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take your daughter to a battered womans shelter and have her volunteer one day. have her sit and talk to these women.
i htink your daughter is not respecting herself but does not know this. she needs to respect you and her mind body and spirit.
paint a dire picture and make sure she understands that situations like this most likely end in tragedy. this is not exageration, its the reality.
15 yo's can be tuff but once she understands that someone who cares about her would not treat her like this maybe she will stay away from him.
sit down, ask her what she thinks is appropriate behavior for a women her age? ask her what is appropriate interactions for a normal couple. ask her why she would not want the best for herself when she trully deserves it.
on a side note, do you think drugs are invovled. that immediately came to mind for me. is she blind to this because shes high? dont give up tho. ask questions. has the other daughter helped the situation? do they get along? do you get on fine with both of them? are you preferential to one? there has to be some underlying trigger here. maybe its your own relation with her, maybe its drugs or maybe its just teen angst. but the best thing you can do is juxtapose a good life with what she is living now. and always reassure her that you want to support her, but in a healthy and productive manner and environment. her boyfriend is too volatile and will not help her in the long run, no matter how she feels. just make her see that boys are not supposed to treat girls in the way her BF treats her. she deserves better. once she gets a taste of the good life she will see how ignorant she was being. good luck and i wish you the best. stay strong and keep us updated.
She is so possessed by this guy that she can't see or think clearly....I am sure she's not into drugs....I did speak to her...told her that this wansn't a normal relationship, that his behaviour wasn't normal....but she just says..."anyone can make mistakes"....and forgives him....she used to go to a grammar school, but her maths marks weren't good enough so she had to change shcools....awful system here....(go to a lower grade school) this really shook her confidence and her self- esteem.......I did not want her to go to this school.....(bad area.....rough school) but the only other school was full so I had no other choice, believe me I did everything that I possible could that she wouldn't go to this school......since then she has gone down hill....mixes with the wrong kids......etc...I've waited so long for this day when she finishes school.....to get her away from here and start anew....I thank you for your help....
Where is her father? I think Dad (if he cares about his daughter at all) needs to know about all of this. This punk needs to know there is man looking out for this little girl and that he has a .45 and a shovel. And your daughter may very well need this attention from her father to counteract the punks influence.
We have no contact with him....he couldn'tcare less about them....
She is so possessed by this guy that she can't see or think clearly....I am sure she's not into drugs....I did speak to her...told her that this wansn't a normal relationship, that his behaviour wasn't normal....but she just says..."anyone can make mistakes"....and forgives him....she used to go to a grammar school, but her maths marks weren't good enough so she had to change shcools....awful system here....(go to a lower grade school) this really shook her confidence and her self- esteem.......I did not want her to go to this school.....(bad area.....rough school) but the only other school was full so I had no other choice, believe me I did everything that I possible could that she wouldn't go to this school......since then she has gone down hill....mixes with the wrong kids......etc...I've waited so long for this day when she finishes school.....to get her away from here and start anew....I thank you for your help....
Have you called a women's shelter for some advice yet?
If your dds grades are going downhill anyway, why wait till school is out to move? I think the sooner you get her out of there the better. Will the boyfriend be able to follow her to England? I understand that travel between UE countries is pretty easy -- but I really don't know that much about it. If so, you might want to have a plan in place to ensure he cannot take up residence in you house, or that your dd can't just go back to Germany after a few weeks in England.
I would also consider having her see a counselor. Unfair though it may be, teens often take the advice offered by a stranger more readily then they do their mother. She needs to figure out why she wants a guy like her boyfriend....if she doesn't, she will just keep finding the same type of boyfriend where ever you move.
Hi....I am so distraught I really don't know where to begin.....I'm English and live abroad with my 2 teenager daughters.....I am divorced and brought them up on my own.......did everything for them and more.... gave them securtiy, endless love....was always there for them....My youngest daughter has been so so difficult for years.....I have been very understanding and patient.....I know it's a difficult period....
I have waited to return to England for the past 17yrs.... my youngest daughter will finish school this summer, and our plans were to leave here and start our new lives in England
Since over a year she has had a boyfriend.....I don't like him...he lives in a bad area, has lousy parents....doesn't work (his 18) he is extremely jealous, he's a very bad infulence on her and a control freak.....He doesn't want her to go to England.....and is doing everything possible to make that happen.....Things came to a head last week....he came over....they rowed (they constantly row) he started crying....she asked him to leave.....he wouldn't...she repeatedly asked him to leave....he refused...She had kicked him....and he slapped her face....apparently not for the first time.....I was so shocked.... I asked him to leave.....he wouldn't....I felt so helpless....my hairs began to stand on end....I realized that this guy was 'sick'.....I asked him to leave again and he refused....said I could call the police he wasn't going to leave....and continued to cry....
Before I could say anything else....my daughter told me not to interfere!!
Then 1hr later she left with him!!! I couldn't believe it...
She returned 2days later....wanted to collect some clothes.....I told him to stay outside...he began shouting....calling to her.....I told her if she left with him....then she needn't come back here.....He swore at me and called me all the names under the sun.....
We spoke on the phone a few days later....told her to come home....that he wasn't any good for her etc.....She came home 2days later....we had a good chat....told her life would be better for her in England....new opportunities etc. etc....( There is no work here) told her I didn't want her to see him again...that she had to concentrate on school that we needed to discuss plans etc. etc.
she cried...said she couldn't finish with him...asked if she could spend another week with him.....told her no.....
Instead of coming home straight from school yesterday,she went to him....said she would come home, didn't.....felt so sick, so helpless...worried sick about her.....she knows I don't have anyone to help....that they are no men in my life.....
She came home today...never said a word......I asked her what her plans were....she said she wouldn't finish with him.....Kept telling her that she was under age.....she keeps saying it's her life and she can do what she wants....told her if she wanted to live with me then she would have to do what I say until she is 18.......so I asked her again what her plans were.... i Told her I just couldn't take any more....I've been so ill....coluldn't believe that she would choose to stay with this 'sicko'.....then told her if that was her choice.....then she could stay here....she thinks she can stay with him....but she'll probably have to go in a home.....
I can't believe that I am in this situation.....I just can't think straight....feel so utterly drained..... ....
Your daughter is right, it is her life to live as she wants. The more you push her, the more you push her away.
You would benefit a great deal from the 12-step program Al-Anon, which gives practical support and solutions to people in your very same situation.
Best wishes to you on your path.
Would you have the same advice if she were attempting to commit suicide with pills or a razor? Sorry to tell you this, but that advice stinks in this situation.
The girl is underage, immature and desires to shack up with an abusive personality. He has hit her on numerous occasions and now her only safety outlet, her mother, is leaving the area. This girl must go with mom for the sake of her life. To allow her to make her own decisions while in her dimished capacity will more than likely be fatal.
Would you have the same advice if she were attempting to commit suicide with pills or a razor? Sorry to tell you this, but that advice stinks in this situation.
The girl is underage, immature and desires to shack up with an abusive personality. He has hit her on numerous occasions and now her only safety outlet, her mother, is leaving the area. This girl must go with mom for the sake of her life. To allow her to make her own decisions while in her dimished capacity will more than likely be fatal.
If a person chooses to engage in self-destructive behavior or relationships, including committing suicide, that is their choice. A parent can offer help, support, and other resources, but a parent can not force the nearly 18-year old into any course of action.
A person has to choose health and recovery on their own. They can not be forced or co-erced into it. As a parent, we can not live our children's lives for them, nor can we keep them from painful mistakes. The more we try to force them into any course of action, the more we are enabling them and crippling them from becoming capable human beings in their own right.
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