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First off, never ever give in to what he wants when he throws a fit.
And in addition, tell him very clearly that he is not to throw fits and that if he does, not only will he not get what he wants right then but there will be one random unexpected negative consequence in the near future because of the fit. Do not tell him what that consequence will be.
So, he throws a fit because you don't let him eat ice cream for dinner. He doesn't get ice cream, AND the next day when he really wants to go play video games with his friend, you tell him he can't go because of yesterday's fit.
That's it. Then that incident is over. But if he throws another fit, repeat this process. It won't be long before he makes the connection between fits = disappointment.
I have to say I disagree with just about everything you said except "don't give into it".
Tantrums are usually a sign of anger and frustration, or overstimulation, and the inability to adequately articulate it. Tantrums are usually found in toddlers, but they are not unknown in older kids. If he throws a tantrum at home, it can be handled in a few ways. You can ignore it and just walk away. Eventually he'll get the message. You can also be calm, acknowledge to him that you know he's upset, and you know why he's upset. Help him understand his feelings, and hopefully eventually he will be able to articulate that rather than having a meltdown. If you are in public and he throws a tantrum, stop everything you are doing, tell him his behavior is not acceptable, that you know he is angry, frustrated, upset, but if he doesn't stop, you will go home. Be clear on that, and then if he doesn't stop, go home. Be consistent and follow through.
But also make sure you aren't setting your kid up for having a meltdown, like insisting on going out and shopping when he's clearly tired and at the end of his tether.
If you are going to punish your child for having this type of behavior, make it appropriate and immediate. Don't carry on a punishment for days.
When youngest grandson (5) cries and throws a huge hissy, I record it on my phone and show him how he looks. I play it back, over and over, to whoever is around and we laugh at it. Then I threaten to post it on You Tube so it goes viral and millions of people can laugh at it, too. He stops immediately...works every time.
That's not a great solution. You are invalidating him and making fun of him.
Let's put it this way: You're exhausted, feeling bad, at the end of your rope and something sets you off, and you blow up. You'd be okay with having that recorded and shared among whoever is around, and have them laugh at it? How would that make you feel?
I have to say I disagree with just about everything you said except "don't give into it".
Tantrums are usually a sign of anger and frustration, or overstimulation, and the inability to adequately articulate it. Tantrums are usually found in toddlers, but they are not unknown in older kids. If he throws a tantrum at home, it can be handled in a few ways. You can ignore it and just walk away. Eventually he'll get the message. You can also be calm, acknowledge to him that you know he's upset, and you know why he's upset. Help him understand his feelings, and hopefully eventually he will be able to articulate that rather than having a meltdown. If you are in public and he throws a tantrum, stop everything you are doing, tell him his behavior is not acceptable, that you know he is angry, frustrated, upset, but if he doesn't stop, you will go home. Be clear on that, and then if he doesn't stop, go home. Be consistent and follow through.
But also make sure you aren't setting your kid up for having a meltdown, like insisting on going out and shopping when he's clearly tired and at the end of his tether.
If you are going to punish your child for having this type of behavior, make it appropriate and immediate. Don't carry on a punishment for days.
A rather sensible post for the most part
My granddaughter has her share of upheavals. Dare I say we as the adults do not even assume we know what or how she feels ...so we have to take a breather...let her have those few moments to "let it out", then we call her back to hopefully ease her emotions down to a manageable level. "Dismissing" the young one or Ignoring the emotion is not how to deal with it head on. Yes the behavior needs to be curtailed. Its not a one and done modification either. Its a systematic consistent reminder of how they can cope when overwhelmed. Mind you this is not the same as a meltdown of terror. Where they damage or harm themselves or others. Thats entirely a matter that needs to be escalated to a therapy counselor .
Mocking them or shaming them is NOT a positive form of guidance.
1. Practise losing
Family board games are one of your kid’s first chances at learning how to lose. Play games like Snakes and Ladders, but don’t let kids win, have a do-over or get away with not sliding down a snake. Chat about how it feels to win and how it feels to lose. Siblings make ideal practice opponents before playing with peers.
2. Explain chance
Talk to your kid about why we win things: Sometimes it’s because of effort, sometimes it’s luck, and sometimes it’s both. Teach him catchphrases like, “It’s the luck of the draw” and “That’s the way the cookie crumbles,” so he doesn’t always take failure—and triumph—to heart. If your kid complains it’s not fair, fight the urge to reply, “Life’s not fair” and focus on her feelings instead. You could say, “I know you think it’s not fair. Are you angry (or sad) that you lost?”
3. Model good sportsmanship
Whether you are playing a game yourself or watching your favourite sports team lose, model being a good sport–yes, that means no trash-talking or booing! Instead of badmouthing a referee or the opposing team, you could say something like, “I’m upset the Blue Jays lost. But, it’s just a game, and I know I’ll feel better about it soon.”
4. Emphasize the positive
At a time when your kid is calm, talk about what it means to have a positive mindset while playing games. Ask your kid what he enjoys about a particular game and how he thinks he can improve. Keep the focus on pleasure and getting better rather than on winning or losing.
5. Acknowledge empathy
When your kid does handle losing (and winning) well, be sure to acknowledge it. Say something like, “I saw you congratulate the boy ahead of you, even though you were upset you lost that race.” When you talk about sports, focus on effort and empathy rather than success.
6. Be a calm-down coach
Teach your kid to take a few slow, deep breaths or count backwards from 10 when she starts to feel upset. Let her know you’re available to talk through how she feels about losing the game or race once she has calmed down.
With time and patience, Hayden will learn a more positive approach to handling defeat. In the meantime, his mom is trying to see the silver lining in his competitive nature. “He does give everything his all,” she says. For now, the Mansfield family will continue to lace up their bowling shoes and hope for the best outcome, no matter who wins or who loses.
Expert tip:
It might be tempting to steer clear of competitive situations to save your kid from the inevitable meltdown that comes with losing, or to let her win at Candy Land, just to keep the afternoon’s peace. But some experts advise against this. In doing so, you may avoid a tantrum, but you will have also lost an important learning opportunity. Competition teaches kids that persevering through failure can yield future success, and it also strengthens character and builds skill. Learning to be a good sport when you’re a kid translates into not falling apart when your colleague snags that promotion you were hoping for.
Any thoughts on how to tackle a sore loser that seems to be his biggest issue right now
I don't even remember having a problem with it.
I think I would sit the child down on a calm day, not right at the moment that he is having a hard time with losing. Then carefully and gently explain about good sportsmanship and how no one likes to lose but we all need to learn to be gracious about it.
It's also an opportunity to encourage practice of skills, if it is about something that involves skills. If it is something you can practice with him, that will give you a bonding opportunity.
If the losing involves someone else who gloats about winning, that is difficult to deal with, even for adults, so the best you can do is to point out that it isn't gracious sportsmanship and that it is annoying to other people and he is better off to not behave that way himself.
And keep reminding yourself that he is only seven and he's a little kid and he is going to act like a little kid for several more years. Make sure he knows he is loved and be a good role model for him and be patient. You will have to explain manners and acceptable behavior to him over and over and over. That all comes with being a good parent.
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