Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It's good that he's working. He doesn't sound like a bad kid, I'm actually surprised that his professors are letting him blow off class the way that he is. Many professors factor in class participation as part of the grade and if you miss classes your grade is going to take a hit.
Your stepson could be doing "A" level work in the class but if he isn't showing up to the lectures he might only wind up getting a "B".
As far as coming and going goes. If you live in the same house it's common courtesy to let each other know how late you'll be working, if you're going out, what time you'll be back, etc.
I agree with all this. I think he is getting good grades but might be a lil shocked when his report card comes in. He has to show it to my husband - my husband will only pay if his grades are good, which I think is a good approach & gives stepson more motivation to do well but i think in stepson’s eyes it’s a case of thinking he’s smarter than he is & doesnt need to attend class. We’ll see.
I always had to let my parents know where I was going when i lived in their house however we also did not have cell phones then.
BUT he's getting good grades. So what should the expectations be? Should it be attend class or else? Get good grades or else? Attend class and get good grades or else?
For me the important thing would be to get good grades and if he can do that while skipping an occasional class so be it. I think for a lot of parents, and just people in general, when someone makes a decision that isn't the decision we would make we automatically assume it's a poor decision.
Im just concerned the more classes he skips the harder of a habit it will be when he starts working in the real world … like u cant do that type of thing with a job. He is pretty good about going to work now. He calls in ‘sick’ a few times a yr maybe which isnt like the worst thing. He can be responsible about some things but then there are other things I see him be irresponsible about - but I get it - he’s a teen
If I recall, didn't your stepson live with his mother until he was fifteen or sixteen, at which point there was an issue with her parenting and he came to live with your husband? Did your husband ever have primary custody before that point? I wonder if it is possible he is not comfortable being bad cop now if he did not have to do that as his son was growing up and it's easier to be more of a laid back friend rather than a parent who enforces rules?
If I recall, didn't your stepson live with his mother until he was fifteen or sixteen, at which point there was an issue with her parenting and he came to live with your husband? Did your husband ever have primary custody before that point? I wonder if it is possible he is not comfortable being bad cop now if he did not have to do that as his son was growing up and it's easier to be more of a laid back friend rather than a parent who enforces rules?
My husband never had primary custody of him until he came to live with us.
Yes i think my husband is this way bc his parents didnt allow him to do anything so my husband doesnt want his son to be so sheltered & smothered like he was.
I was also sheltered but the main difference was my husband did **** anyway whereas I always did what my parents wanted me to do. Not that that is so good either … but we learn a lot of who & who not to be when parenting our own kids
There def needs to be a middle ground & its tough bc u dont want to treat them like a child but also they’re not always so mature enough to be treated like an adult either. Im trying to figure all this out. I have no kids of my own & am just learning as i go
Im just concerned the more classes he skips the harder of a habit it will be when he starts working in the real world … like u cant do that type of thing with a job. He is pretty good about going to work now. He calls in ‘sick’ a few times a yr maybe which isnt like the worst thing. He can be responsible about some things but then there are other things I see him be irresponsible about - but I get it - he’s a teen
Natural consequences. Parents naturally never want to see their kids fail or have to learn things the hard way, but getting a poor grade, having to retake a failed class (at his own expense), or losing a job due to poor attendance, none of those things are the end of the world. They are setbacks that can be overcome, and they'll reinforce lessons in a way that no amount of advice, guidance, or intervention will ever do.
My stepson is 18. I dont @ all feel he is an adult but my husband says bc he is 18 he is an adult & can make his own decisions. The law doesnt dictate maturity. I dont believe that @ 18 a parent should treat them like they’re a full-on adult. I am not saying to treat them like children either … but there does have to be a line drawn.
Stepkiddo is in college & skips classes a lot. His grades are overall good but my husband doesnt ever say anything about it & says to me “its his life” … i still think that @ 18 you are not really an adult yet & still need parental advice & intervention.
Idk. Maybe it’s just me. Some 18 year olds are probably more mature. I think my stepson still needs some guidance … & thats ok!
The LAW has "drawn the line". At 18, the law expects us to have a certain amount of maturity. But there's also a certain amount of maturity that the law can't dictate.
Stepkiddo may skip classes "a lot" to *you*. But if his grades are "overall good", then what's the problem?
And yes, some 18 year olds are more mature than others. But just because a particular 18 year doesn't seem to be "mature" TODAY, doesn't mean they won't be TOMORROW. I've known a number of college students who "partied" for the first two years...and then one day, they literally woke up and realized that if they wanted to graduate, they HAD to buckle down.
If stepkiddo is in college, AND holding down a job, AND getting "overall good grades", why worry?
My stepson is 18. I dont @ all feel he is an adult but my husband says bc he is 18 he is an adult & can make his own decisions. The law doesnt dictate maturity. I dont believe that @ 18 a parent should treat them like they’re a full-on adult. I am not saying to treat them like children either … but there does have to be a line drawn.
Stepkiddo is in college & skips classes a lot. His grades are overall good but my husband doesnt ever say anything about it & says to me “its his life” … i still think that @ 18 you are not really an adult yet & still need parental advice & intervention.
Idk. Maybe it’s just me. Some 18 year olds are probably more mature. I think my stepson still needs some guidance … & thats ok!
I think at 18 what was a mandate needs to be a strong discussion, maybe backed by incentives and disincentives. I do believe the term "trust fund babies" has its place; they do need protection but that protection is hard to mandate. Personally I feel adulthood starts somewhere between 25 and 27 in most cases, though people obviously vary. I have a 24 year old son on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum who will always need help and guidance. I have a 26 year old son, living at home (for geographic reasons), fully and happily employed, with a serious girlfriend, who I regard basically as an adult. At 22 that was definitely not the case though he was well on his way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mink57
If stepkiddo is in college, AND holding down a job, AND getting "overall good grades", why worry?
What I will say is that at 65, I am doing a lot of reading, to catch up on learning opportunities skipped while I was at Cornell by skimming or not reading some material. I missed many intellectual opportunities in favor of social opportunities I was just not going to have.
Some courses are structured such that attendance and participation are part of a grade. Others are not.
I've had courses where the class grade was 15% for the first midterm and 20% for the second midterm, and 65% final, and the material was easily learned (at least by me) by reading the textbooks, assigned readings in academic journals and the like. If I missed some of the lectures, I wasn't at much of a disadvantage, especially with introductory courses (freshman year).
I remember another class where the grade was 100% based on written research papers, the topics of which were assigned over the course of the semester, all of which were due on the last day of class of the term. There were something like a dozen research papers in all, each about 20 pages in length. That was quite the lesson in time management.
I remember upper division math open-book take-home tests that were assigned 1 week prior to their due date. Each had 5 questions, and 1 of which could not be solved given the student's understanding of mathematics - but of course you didn't know which one was unsolvable; to each of us, they all looked unsolvable. We'd head to the math library and just grab a shelf of books at a time, flipping through them hoping to find some clue or example that might help us solve the test problem. Each of us would regularly spend over 100 hours on the test over the course of the week, missing many other classes. "The penalty for incompetence is eternal calculation," said the math professor.
I was very immature at 18 and I think young people still need guidance at that age. It seems to me that most people dont really grow up until about 21 or 22. And some people never do.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
