Do you feel like @ 18 they are adults and can make their own decisions? (daycare, toddler)
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Stepson lives with us, not away @ school … he commutes
To answer yr final question, IDK, but his parents were the same way. My parents were not & even @ 40, they still are involved in some of my decision-making, for advice if anything
If his son asked him for help or advice, my husband would be there, but my husband doesn’t think it’s his place to regulate what his son does.
I dont believe it is the right approach but he isnt my son & I know his son likes it too, that dad is not all up in his grill… but there needs to be boundaries set & an understanding that there are consequences that can affect his life drastically & he sometimes needs dad’s expertise
I also don’t know if it’s different because I’m a girl and he’s a boy but when I was growing up anytime I left the house I had to tell my parents where I was going and what time I would be back. My stepson is allowed to come and go as he pleases -again I don’t know if that’s the right approach. I don’t particularly care where he goes but I would like to know where he is in case something happens to him we can find him
Quote:
Originally Posted by G-fused
An 18yr old is not prepared to make his/her own decisions. They don't know the basics - how does one buy a house? How does one do their taxes (do they even know there are property taxes)? How does one start a business? How does one get electricity for their home/apartment? Do they know how to tie a tie? That their belt should match their shoes or that their socks should match their pants rather than their shoes? Do they know what "business casual" means? Can they change a tire? Pump their own gas? What would they do if they broke down on the road? Call their parent? What about if they are in a car accident? I can go on.
No, they should not be treated as an adult but your husband does have a point, it is his life and there are some lessons people need to learn and navigate themselves. It is a balance.
Best of luck.
Majority of these questions either don't matter or are things that you should know well before turning 18.
how does one buy a house? Most 18 year olds can't buy a house. I'm 32 and I've never purchased a house before and still don't know all the ins and outs.
How does one do their taxes (do they even know there are property taxes)? Most people, if unable to do their own taxes get their taxes done by a company.
How does one start a business? Again what 18 year old is going to start a business? And again even I at 32 would have to look into everything that goes along with starting a business.
How does one get electricity for their home/apartment? This is something you should know before you're 18.
Do they know how to tie a tie? Again something you should know before 18.
That their belt should match their shoes or that their socks should match their pants rather than their shoes? Why is this even here? This has nothing to do with being an adult.
Do they know what "business casual" means? Again, has nothing to do with being an adult. It's not hard to ask a company what their dress code is.
Can they change a tire? Again, something I can't do. Granted I simply physically, its called AAA or your car insurance.
Pump their own gas? This is something a 15 year old should know how to do.
What would they do if they broke down on the road? Again, AAA or their car insurance company, if they're driving they should know.
What about if they are in a car accident? Again, if they're driving age they should know what to do before they turn 18.
Also, those last two things I still call my mom for. AAA can tow my car but I still have to get home and if I'm in a car accident mature adult or not I'm calling my family. More than likely I'll need a ride.
None of these things make a person "mature".
Many people who are adults on their own don't always do everything they're supposed to do anyways. Does that mean we need to be stripped of our adult rights and our parents given control back?
I'm behind on my car payment, I haven't cleaned in about a week due to working overtime and I overslept and was 10 minutes late for work this morning, does my mom need to strip me of my rights? Lol.
Stepson lives with us, not away @ school … he commutes
To answer yr final question, IDK, but his parents were the same way. My parents were not & even @ 40, they still are involved in some of my decision-making, for advice if anything
If his son asked him for help or advice, my husband would be there, but my husband doesn’t think it’s his place to regulate what his son does.
I dont believe it is the right approach but he isn't my son & I know his son likes it too, that dad is not all up in his grill… but there needs to be boundaries set & an understanding that there are consequences that can affect his life drastically & he sometimes needs dad’s expertise
I also don’t know if it’s different because I’m a girl and he’s a boy but when I was growing up anytime I left the house I had to tell my parents where I was going and what time I would be back. My stepson is allowed to come and go as he pleases -again I don’t know if that’s the right approach. I don’t particularly care where he goes but I would like to know where he is in case something happens to him we can find him
Legally, he's an adult when he turns 18... but he really ain't a grown ace man until he lives in his own place and is able to support himself (with the exception of staying home to take care of a sick parent).
I don't agree with an 18 year old (living at home) being able to come and go as they please with no explanation, no curfew, and little to no restrictions. It's not how I was raised, and I got my first taste of complete freedom when I was a 20 year old sophomore and lived in a dorm. But every parent is different and if the young man is otherwise staying out of trouble, not coming home high/drunk, not violent, not verbally disrespectful... hopefully this will just be a phase for him because it DOES take young men a lot longer to mature.
An 18yr old is not prepared to make his/her own decisions. They don't know the basics - how does one buy a house? How does one do their taxes (do they even know there are property taxes)? How does one start a business? How does one get electricity for their home/apartment? Do they know how to tie a tie? That their belt should match their shoes or that their socks should match their pants rather than their shoes? Do they know what "business casual" means? Can they change a tire? Pump their own gas? What would they do if they broke down on the road? Call their parent? What about if they are in a car accident? I can go on.
No, they should not be treated as an adult but your husband does have a point, it is his life and there are some lessons people need to learn and navigate themselves. It is a balance.
Best of luck.
Some kids are more sheltered and unprepared than others, I guess.
Your list of questions are just silly. People learn what they need as they move through life. Parents guide and teach and provide examples. My son got his own luxury apartment at 18. He was already working, driving, figured out what to wear to work. He must've done alright because he got several promotions. He had already had car breakdowns, knew who to call, knew how to pump his own gas and even pay for it. At tax time, I taught the kids how to do their own taxes so they could their refunds.
Are grown children allowed to call their parents for advice? You bet.
Some kids are more sheltered and unprepared than others, I guess.
Your list of questions are just silly. People learn what they need as they move through life. Parents guide and teach and provide examples. My son got his own luxury apartment at 18. He was already working, driving, figured out what to wear to work. He must've done alright because he got several promotions. He had already had car breakdowns, knew who to call, knew how to pump his own gas and even pay for it. At tax time, I taught the kids how to do their own taxes so they could their refunds.
Are grown children allowed to call their parents for advice? You bet.
Those questions were just off the top of my head and meant to demonstrate basic life knowledge. The point was that most 18yr olds today don't know the basics and aren't experienced enough to know what is good for them. A caring parent would have a much better understanding because they have gone through those experiences and have a better understanding. When you say that "People learn what they need as they move through life" you are demonstrating my exact point. I feel like we agree?
That said, I don't think it is always best for a caring parent to take over even if they know their kid is not making a good decision. People have to learn some things on their own and manage life on their own. Parenting is a balance right?
Some kids are more sheltered and unprepared than others, I guess.
Your list of questions are just silly. People learn what they need as they move through life. Parents guide and teach and provide examples. My son got his own luxury apartment at 18. He was already working, driving, figured out what to wear to work. He must've done alright because he got several promotions. He had already had car breakdowns, knew who to call, knew how to pump his own gas and even pay for it. At tax time, I taught the kids how to do their own taxes so they could their refunds.
Are grown children allowed to call their parents for advice? You bet.
I actually feel proud and flattered when my grown kids still ask me for advice. They are my step-kids so I get a little joy when they ask me before their mom AND their own father....lol
how does one buy a house? I would have known do call our family lawyer, who would have guided me.
How does one do their taxes (do they even know there are property taxes)?I knew how to call our accountant.
How does one start a business? That maybe not.
How does one get electricity for their home/apartment? I would have known to ask a neighbor or other obvious person who would have told me what to do.
Do they know how to tie a tie? Yes
That their belt should match their shoes or that their socks should match their pants rather than their shoes?Yes, but my wife, at 65, sometimes says "that doesn't match."
Do they know what "business casual" means? Didn't exist in 1975 or we didn't call it that. I would ask, though, "do I need a jacket" or "do I need to dress up."
Can they change a tire? I've sort of done it but don't trust must myself not to over-tighten the lug nuts.
Pump their own gas? Actually did that starting at 17 in 1974, when my area got its first self-serve, the "Gulf Self Serve." I remember writing the check to "Wex-Wel Gulf." It isn't there any more.
The fact that I could do most of those things or figure them out didn't qualify me to make all my decisions unguided, nor did it make me an adult.
You had a family lawyer and accountant!? Dang...must have been nice lol. Did the family nanny teach you how to tie a tie? Or teh family chef teach you how to cook? Lol. Just messin' with ya little. But really, that is far from how I grew up.
To be clear, this isn't about you or what your generation knew.
Here, I'll speak like how your family lawyer probably spoke (all eloquent and stuff): The questions were just demonstrative rather than a literal prescription of adulthood.
So my point was that an 18yr old today does not have the tools of an adult. 18 is just out of high school, they have no real life experience. Honestly, I meet many people in their 20's who lack that too. They are mostly just on their 2nd or 3rd real job and still figuring out life. I'm not judging, just saying. I actually think that people with less resources have kids who are more independent, those kids have to be. They have to find a way to pay for college or to get a job and then go part time, or not go at all because it is not worth it, etc. The children of people with little means or immigrants must grow up faster just to survive. I am the son of immigrants so have a good understanding of that. I will admit that I don't have a good understanding of how you grew up. So maybe I am incorrect about those who had resources to call upon and could help them figure things out quicker and help them understand how things worked. I'm just coming from my perspective so again, maybe I am wrong.
Majority of these questions either don't matter or are things that you should know well before turning 18.
how does one buy a house? Most 18 year olds can't buy a house. I'm 32 and I've never purchased a house before and still don't know all the ins and outs.
How does one do their taxes (do they even know there are property taxes)? Most people, if unable to do their own taxes get their taxes done by a company.
How does one start a business? Again what 18 year old is going to start a business? And again even I at 32 would have to look into everything that goes along with starting a business.
How does one get electricity for their home/apartment? This is something you should know before you're 18.
Do they know how to tie a tie? Again something you should know before 18.
That their belt should match their shoes or that their socks should match their pants rather than their shoes? Why is this even here? This has nothing to do with being an adult.
Do they know what "business casual" means? Again, has nothing to do with being an adult. It's not hard to ask a company what their dress code is.
Can they change a tire? Again, something I can't do. Granted I simply physically, its called AAA or your car insurance.
Pump their own gas? This is something a 15 year old should know how to do.
What would they do if they broke down on the road? Again, AAA or their car insurance company, if they're driving they should know.
What about if they are in a car accident? Again, if they're driving age they should know what to do before they turn 18.
Also, those last two things I still call my mom for. AAA can tow my car but I still have to get home and if I'm in a car accident mature adult or not I'm calling my family. More than likely I'll need a ride.
None of these things make a person "mature".
Many people who are adults on their own don't always do everything they're supposed to do anyways. Does that mean we need to be stripped of our adult rights and our parents given control back?
I'm behind on my car payment, I haven't cleaned in about a week due to working overtime and I overslept and was 10 minutes late for work this morning, does my mom need to strip me of my rights? Lol.
I hear a lot of "they should know". My point is that they don't...hello?
If you think that knowing what business casual is or just how to look well put together isn't relevant to being an adult, well I don't know what to tell ya except that it absolutely is.
You missed the point I was making with the questions. They are meant to demonstrate the ability to manage one's own life, which is what adulthood is.
I am stunned that you think so much of that doesn't matter. It really really does. Best of luck.
We live in the age of instant info at your fingertips. Just google anything you need to know.
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You had a family lawyer and accountant!? Dang...must have been nice lol. Did the family nanny teach you how to tie a tie? Or teh family chef teach you how to cook? Lol. Just messin' with ya little. But really, that is far from how I grew up.
Nothing like that. Upper middle-class. You shouldn't mess that way. Most take it as an insult. I feel that any family, middle-class and above should have a callable family lawyer. In our case he was also the family plumber and his wife the family travel agent.
Quote:
Originally Posted by G-fused
Here, I'll speak like how your family lawyer probably spoke (all eloquent and stuff): The questions were just demonstrative rather than a literal prescription of adulthood.
So my point was that an 18yr old today does not have the tools of an adult. 18 is just out of high school, they have no real life experience. Honestly, I meet many people in their 20's who lack that too. They are mostly just on their 2nd or 3rd real job and still figuring out life. I'm not judging, just saying. I actually think that people with less resources have kids who are more independent, those kids have to be.
I have a friend who grew up lower middle class, graduated Ivy League and still can't figure out that it costs more to drive a rental car than one he owns. He calls to ask whether to get a tire patched or replaced. Sometimes you got to wonder.
Quote:
Originally Posted by G-fused
They have to find a way to pay for college or to get a job and then go part time, or not go at all because it is not worth it, etc. The children of people with little means or immigrants must grow up faster just to survive. I am the son of immigrants so have a good understanding of that. I will admit that I don't have a good understanding of how you grew up. So maybe I am incorrect about those who had resources to call upon and could help them figure things out quicker and help them understand how things worked. I'm just coming from my perspective so again, maybe I am wrong.
That may have something to do with it. I lost my Dad when I was 15 and had to figure things out. When my Mom and I went into NYC to see Streetcar Named Desire about a month later, in February 1973, she forgot the tickets, and my grandmother, who had them, was playing cards at a friend's apartment with an unlisted number. We needed the seat numbers. Without a moment's hesitation I said "call the (telephone) operator and she'll call the apartment." Moments later we were happily on our way to the show. Some people have "street smarts" and some don't. That's different from truly being able to make your own decisions.
My stepson is 18. I dont @ all feel he is an adult but my husband says bc he is 18 he is an adult & can make his own decisions. The law doesnt dictate maturity. I dont believe that @ 18 a parent should treat them like they’re a full-on adult. I am not saying to treat them like children either … but there does have to be a line drawn.
Stepkiddo is in college & skips classes a lot. His grades are overall good but my husband doesnt ever say anything about it & says to me “its his life” … i still think that @ 18 you are not really an adult yet & still need parental advice & intervention.
Idk. Maybe it’s just me. Some 18 year olds are probably more mature. I think my stepson still needs some guidance … & thats ok!
Heck, I treat my 13 year old the same way. I know she has homework due, she makes excuses, I shrug and WISH her choices had consequences, but the school system seems to be more punitive towards teachers if they fail a student, rather than punitive towards students who don’t do their work.
This is an ongoing issue in colleges at the moment, because a lot of kids end up there and never experienced actual deadlines and expectations and limited chances. The school system tries to make every student believe they’re a straight A rather than ensuring they have meaningful education.
I am fairly passive at the moment because I’m hopeful she’ll experience some consequences in the next couple of years… but I’ll be changing my approach if it looks like her career options are suffering because of her lack of maturity
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