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You said in the thread title that you think he a good reason, yet he simply said the generic "have plans" which is not really a good reason.
First off it's your birthday and your call. But since it's always been a big deal in the family I can certainly understand why the other family members are upset. He is 19, not 39 with a family of his own. He is out on his own but that's a recent development. If I'm dad I'm upset and very concerned that this starts a trend and suddenly and just like that birthday dinners, special evenings that you enjoyed as a family for decades, will come to an end.
He is 19, not 39 with a family of his own. He is out on his own but that's a recent development. If I'm dad I'm upset and very concerned that this starts a trend and suddenly and just like that birthday dinners, special evenings that you enjoyed as a family for decades, will come to an end.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 7 days ago)
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It's curious that he's not saying what his other plans are.
OP, it sounds like you have a good relationship with him, but is there a dynamic with his siblings, that he doesn't want to be around all of them at the same time?
Obviously, there are some other commitments that would be perfectly understandable for him to have to miss your birthday dinner, everyone gets that, but it's odd that he's not saying.
to the OP...I did want to say that it is commendable overall that your family maintains this kind of connection with each other. It's not very common anymore.
Due to a series of untimely deaths in my family (and a diaspora of our sibs) our traditions evaporated pretty quickly (though we're still close and visit a lot). My wife's family is more like yours and I have an appreciation for it.
Maybe this is a growth step, asserting his independence. Not continuing childish traditions is part of growing up. How long should a child believe in Santa? When does he start spending Thanksgiving with his friends?
I'm glad you mostly aren't taking this personally.
Was the date cleared with your son when the party was planned or did it have to be on your exact birthdate?
As an adult living apart, maybe your husband should have checked to see if your son was available then or if another date was better. Would it be a problem if it was a day or two sooner or later?
I think it is very impressive that your son visits every week so you must have a good relationship. Your accepting attitude about this is commendable.
Maybe the “surprise” activity or whatever is planned is something he does not want to do?
Celebrating on the exact date with all family members was never a “thing” in my family but usually on a weekend before or after. There will probably be more issues in the future if the celebrations have to be on the exact day as conflicts do come up.
It's curious that he's not saying what his other plans are.
I find it curious that a grown man is supposed to tell his parents where he's going to be, as if he was a teenager.
When I got tired of going to family family gatherings, I just told the people involved that I didn't want to go. I didn't want to go because I didn't enjoy them. I'm from a laissez-faire family where you could say things like that, but I can see where others would need to be more diplomatic and beg off with "other plans."
I would tell the rest of the family to back off Jon. Yes traditions may change, or this could be a one off. Maybe he made a date with someone that is important to him and he doesn't want to cancel. Maybe he's planned a sky diving trip with buddies. This is not a hill for anyone to die on.
So, I only have one son, he's 34 now. He's always rebelled against forced family get togethers. He's been a very stubborn person from the time he was a toddler. I'm okay with his rebelling, personally. There was nothing I hated more as a kid than to be forced to talk to grandma A, grandma B, bonus grandma, bio dad, his wife and anyone else the family decided they needed to call on holidays. It was uncomfortable and unenjoyable to me. I'm an introvert (as is my son) and forced chit chat pretty much is a waste of time as far as I am concerned. It didn't matter if it was family or strangers.
My husband and his family guilt each other into doing things with the family, even though my husband is 61. It's ridiculous. His mom threatens to cut him off all the time because we live down south and she lives in NY and he doesn't visit all the time (we own a business and can't just get up and leave when we want to). The rest of the family competes to see who can plan the best birthday, mother's day, easter, etc for his mother. So my husband gets very upset when my son doesn't call me on mother's day or my birthday (he texts and I am fine with that).
My point is, too many people put too much pressure on the other members of the family to fulfill whatever they want family life to be. My son loves me, I love him. But I allow him the space he wants/needs and I am there when he needs me to be there (if I need him, he's there for me, too). He's a good kid (adult, but to me a kid).
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