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Background: I have a middle school child that - like many others- switched schools 2x during COVID. He is a kid that doesn’t do well with transition overall. He is still pretty resentful about the last school change.
The issue now is that our current home city has gone into major decline post-COVID. Gun violence and homelessness are both out of control and increasing. While I don’t feel unsafe in our small neighborhood, 15 blocks in any direction are scary. This city even is known to be much worse than others with similar changes, with no leadership in sight to make change.
My instinct is to run away quickly to the burbs. We could do so and keep my son in the same school. Yet I am really concerned about yet another transition for him after the trauma of the last few years. I worry it will break him emotionally. He is SO attached to our current home and neighborhood.
We’ve been here for his whole childhood. He is in 7th grade now.
I constantly come back to what is worse- another transition for him that would most likely cause some social/emotional pain and stress, vs living in a city on the decline with rampant issues and potential safety concerns??
Would love some group think on this issue: what would you do???
Your current home and neighborhood is all that your son knows. But I'm guessing that he sees it as a safe place, as you said that it is. Is your son aware of what things are like 15 blocks away? Is there any feeling of the walls closing in; that the bad areas used to be 30 blocks away, then 20, now they're 15, and soon they'll be 10? How much longer will your little island of a neighborhood remain safe?
If you mean that your son is a rising 7th grader, then I assume this means that he has two more years of middle school before transitioning to high school. Do you think it would be safe to hold out where you are for another two years? Moving to a new high school is easier when you do it with a rising 9th grader, because everyone is new and even the groups moving up together from middle school may well fracture apart and reform in new ways. So if it's possible, I'd say wait until then. But you'll have to judge how things are going and determine if you think your area, and your son's school, will remain safe long enough to hold out.
Your current home and neighborhood is all that your son knows. But I'm guessing that he sees it as a safe place, as you said that it is. Is your son aware of what things are like 15 blocks away? Is there any feeling of the walls closing in; that the bad areas used to be 30 blocks away, then 20, now they're 15, and soon they'll be 10? How much longer will your little island of a neighborhood remain safe?
If you mean that your son is a rising 7th grader, then I assume this means that he has two more years of middle school before transitioning to high school. Do you think it would be safe to hold out where you are for another two years? Moving to a new high school is easier when you do it with a rising 9th grader, because everyone is new and even the groups moving up together from middle school may well fracture apart and reform in new ways. So if it's possible, I'd say wait until then. But you'll have to judge how things are going and determine if you think your area, and your son's school, will remain safe long enough to hold out.
No, he doesn't know how bad it is with safety. If I tell him, then he tells his neighborhood friends, many of whom can't leave for lots of reasons. I don't want to freak him out either so he worries about us or his friends.
Re: high school- he is already in the district in the burbs where he'd stay if we moved (if we moved there it would be his neighborhood school). So there is no school transition at all, just community transition. He already fractured all those early friendships with school changes during COVID (hence the emotional turmoil in the last year). He is fitting in well at the new school, and while he has no best friends yet, he does have lots of acquaintances and feels like he fits in.
Are there any benefits to living in the city? Does he do extracurricular activities that he couldn't do in the suburbs?
We are thinking of moving from a smallish town to a big city for better access to technology, performance and fine arts instructions. Our town has some, but it is pretty limited. For instance, it's mostly parent-run sports clubs, mediocre music/dance/theater teachers, or just some rando with a lego technic collection who put together a "class" published on the city's Parks and Rec activities roster. Most of the locals are hobbyists who don't have all that much skill to impart. By the time our children are teenagers, they will have pretty much exhausted what they can learn from the nearby talent pool and we will either have to drive long distances to find better instruction, move, or come up with some other alternative--perhaps remote learning or something.
Consider whether your low-density dream destination has the sort of opportunities that will be essential for him to grow and develop his gifts and passions during his High School years.
My wife grew up in a capital city with innumerable opportunities and she is a real Renaissance Woman (is talented in everything from ballet to calculus), who was also able to successfully follow her esoteric passion.
On the other hand, I grew up in a low-density region with few opportunities, and I was quite bored. By the time I moved out to college, I had somewhat "missed the bus" in terms of my STEAM passion, and I spent those years in a hard stern chase just to catch up to my peers. Luckily, I had a strong drive and a lot of luck that let me get where I wanted to be in life.
So, moving to an area with less opportunity may not necessarily hobble your son. It really depends on his personality. It is good that you are taking his needs into consideration.
Pre-20XX I would have dismissed your concerns about violence as overblown, but America overall is becoming much more violent, and many states are encouraging more gun ownership, meaning more gun violence--both criminal, and simply because anyone who is angered to violence is increasingly likely to be armed, these days.
I would strongly suggest using CityData to check the violent crime rates--and their trends--of your city and your target suburb. You probably are not the first to think about abandoning the city, and those who have gone before you may have taken some of their problems with them. Furthermore, the large cities in my state have begun to reverse their soft-on-crime policies of the previous decade. Public opinion is shifting to favor victims' rights over the rights of criminals. Violent crime rates in the city we are looking at are declining, while they continue to rise in the suburbs and in our town. If you don't see this same trend happening in your city, then that might be reason enough to leave.
My son moved when he was two years old (NYC to Boston), ten years old (next town over), twelve years old (Boston to NY). When he was beginning a high school, he changed school districts. It seemed like big changes then, now it's a distant memory.
Don't tell him why you are moving, it's your decision. End of story.
I went to four different schools in two years after my father died. I wasn't happy about it, but that's life. Then I was fortunate to be able to go through high school without switching schools.
If you switch now, he will have plenty of years to be with the same kids. Kids want what kids want. But you are the parent and need to do what is best.
Your instinct is to run away to the suburbs. OK, then if things start to get bad "15 blocks in any direction" while you're there, I guess you pack up and move again. Uh, oh, more trouble "15 blocks in any direction"! Start packing the boxes! We gotta move again! Can't blame your son for being resentful. Stop being paranoid!
Your instinct is to run away to the suburbs. OK, then if things start to get bad "15 blocks in any direction" while you're there, I guess you pack up and move again. Uh, oh, more trouble "15 blocks in any direction"! Start packing the boxes! We gotta move again! Can't blame your son for being resentful. Stop being paranoid!
I don't know where the OP is, but in NYC - 20 street blocks are a mile. So 15 blocks are 3/4 of a mile - that's pretty close.
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