Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You don't need therapy. Your daughter doesn't need therapy. Your family isn't the first to go through this. Back in the day we had several of our friends stay at my grandmother's house because they couldn't or wouldn't get along with their parents and everything turned out okay. 13 year-olds can be pretty snotty. Just send her a B-Day card as others here have suggested and leave it at that. If you do too much she will see it as you being under her thumb (which I believe is her goal). If you do too little you may regret it later. Just B-Day okay? She will know you still care but are hands-off till she wises up.
Don't text. Don't call. Don't write letters or observe any other special days. She is a kid and kids thrive on drama and it sounds like she has had plenty of that. Don't give it to her and don't let her treat you like a door mat. Will it hurt? Hell yeah it will hurt. Life hurts. You have two kids at home who need a mother who is indomitable so be that for them. Be the rock.
My oldest daughter turned 13 today and I feel so sad because she will not speak to me. She lives with her dad 6 hours away. She moved to go live with him at the beginning of this past school year. After basically two years of fighting all the time, I finally agreed to let her move in with him. I did it for her two younger sisters who had to live in constant conflict. And I figured, maybe living at her dad's our relationship could heal. I was wrong though. Things haven't gotten better. She doesn't respond to any of my texts or phone calls..I tried to phone to wish her happy birthday and she didn't want to speak to me. She told me previously she does not love me at all, that I'm an ugly fat loser who no one will ever love (she said it on multiple occasions) and I wonder if this is just the way it's always going to me, if we're are just never again going to have a relationship. My mom tells me one day she's gonna grow up and realize things but I'm ot so optimistic.
I think Covid made.everything worse for our relationship my daughter has always been difficult but covid exacerbated it. She has a mood disorder and is prone to emotional outbursts of anger. When she started playing competitive soccer things got better. Playing 3 times a week with intense physical drills I think she got a lot of that emotional energy out plus she loved it. Then it was cancelled with covid. And then when school was closed, she absolutely refused to do any of the homeschooling, she and I were always fighting about it. Also,.when school finally did resume the next school year, age was put in a class without any of her friends and the school had a classroom bubble system so the entire school year she wasn't allowed.to play with her friends, she was completely cut off from them. She began to really hate school and we were always getting into fights because she often wouldn't go. I was at my wits end.
Couldn't play with her friends at all? Did you keep her locked up all school year so she couldn't see them outside of school hours? How the hell does a parent just allow their child not to go to school?
You don't need therapy. Your daughter doesn't need therapy. Your family isn't the first to go through this. Back in the day we had several of our friends stay at my grandmother's house because they couldn't or wouldn't get along with their parents and everything turned out okay. 13 year-olds can be pretty snotty. Just send her a B-Day card as others here have suggested and leave it at that. If you do too much she will see it as you being under her thumb (which I believe is her goal). If you do too little you may regret it later. Just B-Day okay? She will know you still care but are hands-off till she wises up.
Don't text. Don't call. Don't write letters or observe any other special days. She is a kid and kids thrive on drama and it sounds like she has had plenty of that. Don't give it to her and don't let her treat you like a door mat. Will it hurt? Hell yeah it will hurt. Life hurts. You have two kids at home who need a mother who is indomitable so be that for them. Be the rock.
IMO, except for the last two sentences, this is terrible advice.
"Back in the day" a couple of your friends stayed at your Grandma's house and it all turned out okay is not predictive on how this will turn out.
The mood disorder diagnosis is concerning. 13 is young to get such a diagnosis. However, it is not unusual for mood disorder diagnosis in a teen to turn into a bipolar diagnosis when they are in their early twenties. Talk about drama!
So whatever your personal opinion is of her goal, or whether she is just a snotty kid or not, this girl is struggling.
Over the next five or so years, she will make critical decisions that will determine the course of her life. Education. Careers. Love partners. Motherhood. ...
Typically, teens turn to their friends for affirmation and support as they make the journey from dependence, to interdependence, to independence. Covid limited those friendship opportunities.
But indeed, the OP needs to be the rock. She needs to let all her daughters know that she loves them, she wants the best for them, and she will help any way she can to support them as they step into their lives as adults.
As to counseling, she has two more teens coming up. There is a possibility that some insight into what's going on might be useful.
Not everyone benefits from developing insight and compassion, but some do.
OP, You said it yourself. You daughter has a mood disorder (I suspect bi-polar). It's a severe disorder with no cure. And she is 13! and cannot possibly draw on experience to help herself in any way.
Consider she is mentally ill. It's not a shameful thing. When you push her buttons, her reactions and behaviours are not normal so don't take her moods personally. You didn't do anything. She's unable to control her moods and does not even know she is acting abnormally. Her feelings and beliefs are very real to her and she thinks her complaints have a solid basis. You cannot get through to her no matter what you do. She desperately needs monthly sessions with a psychiatrist to learn how to manage and monitor her life and a cocktail of meds.
I suggest you watch a YouTube channel called Polar Warriors. Your daughter will benefit greatly from the same. You have to get to know the disease thoroughly in order to understand and cope with the mayhem and you daughter has to know too.
I have a mood disorder too and I have been coping with it for over 50 years. It is still not a cake walk.
The fact that she didn’t want to talk to you might mean she is being generally withdrawn and feeling badly about her life. It is possible it is not exclusively directed at you. To me, it seems like she is hurting in her own way. If it were me, I would do something like the following:
-frequent communication with Dad on what is going on in her life, including activities, accomplishments, social outings, and moods/behaviors
-weekly texts, which can include pics of pets or other things of interest, but just so she knows she is remembered
-something mailed monthly: small package, cookies from a local bakery, etc.
-obviously, Christmas and birthday gifts and any other holidays you typically gift for
She needs to have times she is with you and her sisters, even if she doesn’t want to. 13 is not old enough to make that decision to completely cut you out. She is young and immature and things will likely improve, but in the meantime, there needs to be some contact. I’m not certain of the distance between you two. You may need to meet at public places and do overnights in hotels with her. Maybe seeing her outside the home would be better.
I mean this sincerely… other than birthing her, what do you have to offer to your daughter?
I suppose ‘us men’ face this existential problem on the daily, as we supposedly don’t have the bond mothers have (so I’ve been told).
You blame a 13 year old for a lot of problems in your relationship, but my suspicion is that she may be a little smarter than you give credit for, and she see’s you as unreasonable, unkind, and generally unhealthy to be around. Why is that?
What does her father have to say about it? Is she totally different around him, or is she a miserable temper tantrum over there also?
If she’s quite happy there, why is that? What does he do differently?
I hate to think what it was like for a young tween/teen to grow up in constant drama for years… are her sisters ok? Do they not see their father?
Such a rotten situation
I agree. This problem didn't just appear overnight. There's more going on than Covid. The young lady has a mood disorder. Was she receiving treatment for her disorder prior to Covid? What happened to her treatment during the restrictions at school she was forced to endure? It sounds like she has been crying out for help for quite sometime. Fighting with her isn't going to solve any problems.
Think about this from her perspective. Her mother sent her away so that her younger siblings wouldn't be impacted by her being around anymore. That right there is in her head. No matter what a parent's reason, this is what goes on in a teenagers mind. I really hope she is receiving mental healthcare.
I mean this sincerely… other than birthing her, what do you have to offer to your daughter?
I suppose ‘us men’ face this existential problem on the daily, as we supposedly don’t have the bond mothers have (so I’ve been told).
You blame a 13 year old for a lot of problems in your relationship, but my suspicion is that she may be a little smarter than you give credit for, and she see’s you as unreasonable, unkind, and generally unhealthy to be around. Why is that?
What does her father have to say about it? Is she totally different around him, or is she a miserable temper tantrum over there also?
If she’s quite happy there, why is that? What does he do differently?
I hate to think what it was like for a young tween/teen to grow up in constant drama for years… are her sisters ok? Do they not see their father?
Such a rotten situation
Seriously. This such a harsh reply to someone else's situation which you know so little about. What did mom do that was "unreasonable, unkind, and generally unhealthy to be around"???? Mom says they "fought". I know very few teen girls who don't "fight" with their parents. It's a natural part of the "breaking away" that is necessary in adolescence. I don't know any home containing a teenage girl that doesn't have a few doors slamming. It's typical behavior, even for those without any emotional issues.
OP, I hope you are maintaining a good rapport with her father. She needs the two of you to be on the same page discipline-wise, otherwise she will play one against the other.
Your daughter's "going through some stuff". Her mood disorder needs to be treated/handled whichever home she is living in. And both you and your ex should probably see a family therapist to help you navigate this awkward co-parenting situation. Hopefully he's not bad-mouthing you to your daughter, and not letting her do whatever she wants without rules. This is an age where many moms struggle with their daughters, so some of this is normal, and with the pandemic situation, and your daughter's condition, some of it is not so normal, and professional advice would help you both.
Obviously people on this thread are all over the place with advice, so if I were you, I'd go to someone who understands your daughters diagnosis, and who can see and understand the full situation with you and your ex, and your daughter's behavior.
The fact that she didn’t want to talk to you might mean she is being generally withdrawn and feeling badly about her life. It is possible it is not exclusively directed at you. To me, it seems like she is hurting in her own way. If it were me, I would do something like the following:
-frequent communication with Dad on what is going on in her life, including activities, accomplishments, social outings, and moods/behaviors
-weekly texts, which can include pics of pets or other things of interest, but just so she knows she is remembered
-something mailed monthly: small package, cookies from a local bakery, etc.
-obviously, Christmas and birthday gifts and any other holidays you typically gift for
She needs to have times she is with you and her sisters, even if she doesn’t want to. 13 is not old enough to make that decision to completely cut you out. She is young and immature and things will likely improve, but in the meantime, there needs to be some contact. I’m not certain of the distance between you two. You may need to meet at public places and do overnights in hotels with her. Maybe seeing her outside the home would be better.
I strongly encourage get togethers with the daughters.
One father I know rents a VRBO with a pool near his kids.
Not sure if this is something the OP is able to do or that the older daughter would be willing to be part of, but she and the younger daughters stay at a nearby VRBO, and the girls could get together during the day.
;
GotHereQuickAsICould:
Yeah, I may be wrong, or not. I'm just taking things as they have been conveyed here. Reading what OP put down in her initial post I don't see any indication hand-holding and back-patting is going to do anything. The kid allegedly has a disorder, well maybe. Mom didn't say her daughter was diagnosed with one so I'm led to believe Mom just discussed it with friends or got on Wikipedia or something. The way people throw all these diagnoses around you'd think there isn't a normal person on the planet.
It's not going to be fun for Mom either way but having her daughter talk to her the way Mom has laid it out, to me means this kid and her Mom are vinegar and oil with Mom taking the abuse. Mom can stop this if she chooses. I considered not even chiming in here because really, I'm just an ordinary guy but it seemed to me things were leaning toward making this outrageous behavior of the child something beyond her control. Well to me that is not the case.
In fact from what is written here the youngster is in complete control of their relationship. A 13-year old is in control of a relationship with an adult! Her mother! Nah! The lady is soliciting perspectives and I gave mine. I feel bad for them both but if the kid is talking to her Mom like this at 13 what are the next 5 years going to be like unless Mom stands up for herself and takes care of her other daughters who do care about her. I'm going to bow out now and I apologize to anyone I have offended here. That sure wasn't my intent. Good Luck Mom.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
