We Think Our Son is Being Used — He Thinks We’re Unreasonable (college, friends)
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I believe your son would benefit with taking the world in with some healthy skepticism. Viewing the world from a purely emotional response like with this girl is not arming him with the tools needed to be an adult. Ask your son if he would purchase something online from a person that seemed like a "to good to be true" type deal. Healthy skepticism helps you develop to question things to discover the truth and fine tune your intuition. When the girl said she couldn't get a job b/c people would likely not pay her.... seriously? That is exactly when having these skills comes into play.
I believe your son would benefit with taking the world in with some healthy skepticism. Viewing the world from a purely emotional response like with this girl is not arming him with the tools needed to be an adult. Ask your son if he would purchase something online from a person that seemed like a "to good to be true" type deal. Healthy skepticism helps you develop to question things to discover the truth and fine tune your intuition. When the girl said she couldn't get a job b/c people would likely not pay her.... seriously? That is exactly when having these skills comes into play.
I agree, he was just responding emotionally and not logically. I told him that and last night we talked about all the red flags that were there and why he may have overlooked them.
How awful and sad. Yes I’m afraid of this happening.
Our relationship is already damaged in the sense that he has lied to us from the beginning . He lied about how he met her. He lied about her staying with him. Although I think she lied too…she started out with, I have a round trip ticket and friends to stay with and I’m just visiting. Then it turned in to her just having a one way ticket and all her friends bailed.
I don’t believe she ever intended to just visit, ever had friends to stay with, etc.
We saw the writing on the wall, and that’s why we were talking to him. My husband had an hour long conversation with him, explaining all the reasons why a strange girl should not stay with him, and he bald faced lied to my husband and promised that wouldn’t happen.
As I said, her story changed along the way.
One thing about my son, he is a hard worker and he is ambitious. He said a few days ago that she was “looking for a job” but she keeps coming up with excuses as to why she can’t find a job. I think this bothers him.
Two days ago he called me up and said he was in over his head. He wants her out but doesn’t know what to do because she has nowhere to go. (His place is 215 SF; there’s barely room for one person in there.) That’s when I said, send her back home, put her in a youth hostel, here are some homeless shelters etc. He called again said, I told her she needs to leave, and she decided she’d fly back home.
I know his dad saying he’d be cut off financially had him in a panic.
Then last night he called up and said she will NOT go back home but he knows someone who might be able to help—yada yada yada — but it will be at least next week before she can leave. He’s like “the relationship is just fine, don’t worry.”
I have no doubt she sweet talked him in order to buy more time.
That’s when we said enough. We told him she is using him, and by extension using us, and she needs to leave today. We offered to pay for her flight back home (about $100 one way).
She won’t go back to her home state.
Like I said, she wanted to get to where he lives and he is her meal ticket.
Agree.
The drive between his city and her old city is 21 hours so that won’t happen.
Yes this is accurate, although I doubt her mom is really that horrible.
It could two ways.
One is that he is all amped up on the idea that they are “growing together” and that he finally has someone. One of the reasons he is so desperate is because his younger sister has her very first boyfriend and the boy she is seeing is a great guy. It’s like he has to prove that he can be in a relationship too.
The other way is the money. He does not like being broke. Trying to pay his rent by himself will deplete his savings very quickly. I don’t think he has a lot of respect for people who won’t work. My concern is that he will think he can play it both ways, lying to us that she isn’t there, but still taking our money.
As an aside, we disagree with shacking up together on principle, but even more so when it’s on our dime.
Consider hiring a private detective to really investigate her back story
I bet it is all lies
She is probably older than she has told your son
May have done this multiple times in the past
Scam artist
Your son needs to freeze his credit and ensure she has not taken out any credit cards in his name since she probably has access to personal/private info of his
This could really come back to haunt him
And why is he going to a community college so far from home?
What is so special about a community college that it is worth that type of expense layout?
Not against a community college for first yrs of college but the only one I would probably consider in TX far from home would be Blinn because of the ability to enter A&M as transfer
And why is he going to a community college so far from home?
What is so special about a community college that it is worth that type of expense layout?
See post #120.
Let me state it quite clearly:
Of all the things that people could be questioning, the choice of where he is going to college should not be one of them.
The school is a perfect fit for him. He loves it; he is learning more than he ever thought he could, he is thriving (except for this incident); he gets in state tuition during his 3rd semester and he already has a tuition discount because of his internship. We consider ourselves extremely fortunate that we found this program.
This was a kid who didn’t even want to go to college, so the fact that he now wants to finish and the respect he has for his professors and what he is learning is huge.
(Also we don’t live in Texas nor does he.)
For what it’s worth, (and he’s lied a lot lately) he has given me his word that he did not have intercourse with her.
…
I do hold him responsible because we warned him and he ignored us.…
I’ve warned him a million times. I am truly terrified of this.
…
I truly do appreciate everyone’s support and advice and good wishes.
Could you preemptively call the local police, file report about unlawful trespassing, her threat of suicide and manipulation, her demanding to see the lease (she has hoped that your son is on the lease and she could manipulate him into adding her on or giving her a permission to stay - sort of fu to you)
Report that you are afraid that she would claim rape in order to terrorize the family? Tell them that your son wants her out, but she refuses to leave
At least it may help you and your son if she intends to escalate..? Does she have a driver’s license - really hope she is of the right age.
You need her name, address and other identifiers for the report. Ask your son to get a screenshot.
A nightmare - so sorry, but you need to act fast -
Read the whole saga. Great to hear that your son has dodged a bullet.
Cannot help but think that the root of everything (including avoiding such situations in the first place) is in finances. It was mentioned that 1) the son has his own savings and 2) he studies in a community college (the overall bill is lower).
We have a similar situation (savings and community college), but my child is paying for her living from her savings. Basically I had pre-thought (pre-crystal-balled) endless variations of our future, and decided for myself that:
1) I was uncomfortable supporting a young able adult fully (some misc. like grocery/laundry/clothes are OK)
2) Working before college at an entry-level job would instil the necessary respect for finances (better than my white noise)
3) and would create a pile-ish of money for the college costs for the year.
4) Having felt with all her fibres what a low-paid job is, she would appreciate the college so much more.
--- all of these points would increase, in her eyes, the value of what she has against the forces that may destroy it.
I had put my foot down that she had to pay for her dorm (a similar square footage). She observes with a heavy heart how each 1st of the month a chunk of her savings disappear. She keeps working 1 day a week for some living/pocket money. I think this is the best insurance against her having to suddenly support someone with her money. Our arrangement also removes me from micromanaging, gives me some pause/respect to not meddle in what she is doing there. It is like I am slowly passing the torch of the responsibility for her life onto her.
In this vein, I am not quite understanding why a student has to have savings but be supported by his parents. If a valuable life lesson is lost with such an arrangement.
Since I also have a son who is approaching the college age, I can see that boys are more clueless and can be smitten with girls to the point of doing stupid things. My defense against it? Again, mostly through finances.
1) Getting him to "feel" the pain of losing: investing with him (his pocket money) since he was 16, riding through all the bears and bulls
2) this one, I know, might look soooooo nerdy, but since he is nerdy (and therefore more prone to what happened to the OPs son): writing a large spreadsheet of the future - good education to earnings to savings to investment returns to retiring at 35. He wants is badly. I hope this will turn into his core mentality: weighing a particular encounter that would want to siphon off of him, against the "spreadsheet of life".
3) Talking about girls and about psychology (what is a narcissist, what are psychopathic tendencies, etc.) Low-key talks and discussions over the years. Of course, with the embeddings of "you would have to support a child for 18 years".
Could you preemptively call the local police, file report about unlawful trespassing, her threat of suicide and manipulation, her demanding to see the lease (she has hoped that your son is on the lease and she could manipulate him into adding her on or giving her a permission to stay - sort of fu to you)
Report that you are afraid that she would claim rape in order to terrorize the family?
At least it may help you and your son if she intends to escalate..?
Please don't involve the police at this time. If she harasses him, he can seek a restraining order, but until then, it's best just to move on. That being said, the young man should consider having his apartment door re-keyed, and he should definitely lock his credit, make a thorough inventory of his belongings, and monitor his credit card for fraudulent use.
I agree, he was just responding emotionally and not logically. I told him that and last night we talked about all the red flags that were there and why he may have overlooked them.
The promise of **** will do that to a young fella. And even many not-so-young fellas.
Please don't involve the police at this time. If she harasses him, he can seek a restraining order, but until then, it's best just to move on. That being said, the young man should consider having his apartment door re-keyed, and he should definitely lock his credit, make a thorough inventory of his belongings, and monitor his credit card for fraudulent use.
Yes, although totally annoying, it doesn't rise to the level of involving lawyers or law enforcement at this time. She is a manipulator-paper tiger who has been out maneuvered and is now busy looking for next mark. It will catch up to her sooner or later but that is her family's problem. LE has real criminals to deal with not her emotional crap.
The son in this thread is so fortunate to have a caring family, I hope he understands that.
I would hardly call him dumb if he is living (sorta) independently and keeping on top of his work and school obligations. He just has a kind heart.
LOL, that's just a nice, roundabout way of calling him dumb...
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