We Think Our Son is Being Used — He Thinks We’re Unreasonable (husband, student)
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Why are some people so hung up on where the kid is going to college? Who cares it's not near home? Same thing can happen anywhere.
I was the first to ask why he was going to community college out of their state out of curiosity, I like to learn about things I don't know, the OP's answers were very interesting, but I shouldn't have brought it up considering his college has nothing to do with the content of this thread regarding her son's problems with the girl.
I was the first to ask why he was going to community college out of their state out of curiosity, I like to learn about things I don't know, the OP's answers were very interesting, but I shouldn't have brought it up considering his college has nothing to do with the content of this thread regarding her son's problems with the girl.
xcept that most people attend community college that is close to home and even live at home to reduce college spending needs
It WAS unusual that someone would attend a community college in another state because most people go to community college to reduce the initial two years of costs for basic courses because they are anticipating a 4yr degree vs a 2 yr degree
This community college offers something unique that the OP’s son wants—
Not just a generic 2 yr basic course
Two days ago he called me up and said he was in over his head. He wants her out but doesn’t know what to do because she has nowhere to go. (His place is 215 SF; there’s barely room for one person in there.) That’s when I said, send her back home, put her in a youth hostel, here are some homeless shelters etc. He called again said, I told her she needs to leave, and she decided she’d fly back home.
I know his dad saying he’d be cut off financially had him in a panic.
Then last night he called up and said she will NOT go back home but he knows someone who might be able to help—yada yada yada — but it will be at least next week before she can leave. He’s like “the relationship is just fine, don’t worry.”
I have no doubt she sweet talked him in order to buy more time.
Your son is a young adult male, and is thinking with this sexual reproductive organs. He's also inexperienced with girls, so he's allowing himself to be taken advantage of in hopes that he's going to get some. It just is what it is.
Being ambitious, as he gets older, eventually your parenting will rub off on him and he will turn around. The best you can do right now is make sure you're not enabling this behavior, but IF he's getting good grades in college, you don't want to disrupt that either. Try not to be emotional about it, and be matter-of-fact. While she might be giving him what he wants know, but let him know that this is NOT the kind of person that he wants to end up with... that a woman like this will always be a leech, and he'll grow to resent her, much sooner than later.
Two days ago he called me up and said he was in over his head. He wants her out but doesn’t know what to do because she has nowhere to go. (His place is 215 SF; there’s barely room for one person in there.) That’s when I said, send her back home, put her in a youth hostel, here are some homeless shelters etc. He called again said, I told her she needs to leave, and she decided she’d fly back home.
One negotiating tactic is to turn a request around and make it the other person's problem to solve--which is what this girl did to you and your son. It was nobody's job but hers to figure out where to go.
This community college offers something unique that the OP’s son wants—
Not just a generic 2 yr basic course
Yes, this. Typically graduates from the program either land hard to get industry jobs or continue on to a prestigious arts school that accepts associate’s degrees.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheerbliss
One negotiating tactic is to turn a request around and make it the other person's problem to solve--which is what this girl did to you and your son. It was nobody's job but hers to figure out where to go.
In theory, you are right, and as far back as last Tuesday I said to him that where she goes is her problem.
But someone up thread nailed it by saying it had turned into “you and me against the world.”
My son was shutting ME out and listening to HER and her spin and lies and made up BS. By reframing my position so that I drew a firm line —you can’t stay there—but we can help you figure out solutions, my son decided we were not unreasonable AND saw her true nature.
Yes, this. Typically graduates from the program either land hard to get industry jobs or continue on to a prestigious arts school that accepts associate’s degrees.
In theory, you are right, and as far back as Tuesday I said where she goes is her problem.
But someone up thread nailed it by saying it had turned into “you and me against the world.”
My son was shutting ME out and listening to HER and her spin and lies and made up BS. By reframing my position so that I drew a firm line —you can’t stay there—but we can help you figure out solutions, my son decided we were not unreasonable AND saw her true nature.
It's very good that he learned this life lesson early and while he's still has the support of the parental safety net beneath him. That is, while he'll make mistakes as we all did at his age, it's best that he makes the ones that have the potential to forever alter his life while he still has the wisdom and guidance of his parents just a quick phone call or text away. I think that you, his father, and your son handled this situation with as much grace, wisdom, and quick thinking as possible. With any luck (not that "luck" is precisely the right word to use), this will be the end of this short, but eventful saga. Still, as suggested by another poster, keeping any pertinent information related to this young woman (texts, emails, etc.) is a wise move should she turn up like the proverbial bad penny and make a stink as some sort of revenge. She's proven herself to be untrustworthy, at the very least, and I wouldn't put it past her to make an accusation against your son--especially if her friends believe any lies that she might feed them regarding this situation.
Hopefully, this doesn't make his mistrustful of the world at large as most people are honest and decent, but has taught him that empathy combined with a healthy sense of skepticism is the way to go with not just woman, but with people in general.
Yes, this. Typically graduates from the program either land hard to get industry jobs or continue on to a prestigious arts school that accepts associate’s degrees.
In theory, you are right, and as far back as last Tuesday I said to him that where she goes is her problem.
But someone up thread nailed it by saying it had turned into “you and me against the world.”
My son was shutting ME out and listening to HER and her spin and lies and made up BS. By reframing my position so that I drew a firm line —you can’t stay there—but we can help you figure out solutions, my son decided we were not unreasonable AND saw her true nature.
She thought she had her solution -- living with your son -- so she was not interested in any other solutions. She tactic was to try to discredit you. Her big mistake.
I just read this entire posting and I commend you on the handling. I had a situation with my daughter while away at college where I could foresee she was making a foolish choice that could have significant life repercussions. I alerted my husband and he immediately drove 6 hours to her apartment to make sure things were as they should be. I gave my daughter fair warning he was on his way. Of course she was not happy about it. So, I disagree with those who call such interventions as "helicopter parenting" Like your son, she was a good student and on balance made many good decisions but could have derailed everything with one foolish one.
She thought she had her solution -- living with your son -- so she was not interested in any other solutions. She tactic was to try to discredit you. Her big mistake.
I just read this entire posting and I commend you on the handling. I had a situation with my daughter while away at college where I could foresee she was making a foolish choice that could have significant life repercussions. I alerted my husband and he immediately drove 6 hours to her apartment to make sure things were as they should be. I gave my daughter fair warning he was on his way. Of course she was not happy about it. So, I disagree with those who call such interventions as "helicopter parenting" Like your son, she was a good student and on balance made many good decisions but could have derailed everything with one foolish one.
Thank you for the kind words.
I’m glad your daughter was OK.
One of the funniest comments the girl made was that she couldn’t go to a shelter because they are dangerous for young women. I pointed out she crossed state lines to stay with a stranger from the internet. I don’t think she is as smart as she thinks she is.
Why are you paying for an apartment for him for him to attend a community college???
Almost everywhere has one within easy daily commuting distance. That's the point...
Stop paying for the apartment, etc. He can move and live back home to attend college.
And it's your house, so you get to say who lives there. Problem solved!
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