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Express love and emotional support and make it clear you are allowing him to make his own adult choices complete with consequences.
This. If he wants to move out and live on his own like an adult (sort of, except not paying his own bills), then he needs to deal with things like an adult. If he can't handle the adult thing, then maybe he needs to go to a school closer to home where he can still receive guidance from his parents on how to be an adult. He may not be mature enough to live on his own yet.
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Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
I agree with the fact, that the entire scenario was premeditated. She knew exactly what she was doing, while he was clueless. One tell-tale sign: she clearly lied about having a round-trip ticket. So it's fairly safe to assume that the bit about having a bunch of friends to stay with, and then suddenly ALL of them bailing on her, was also two more lies.
Yup. She may just be immature, rather than a hardened calculating con artist, but the fact that she came for a "visit" and yet won't leave after weeks-- and even admits that she doesn't want to go back "home"-- tells me she didn't just "accidentally" fall into a bad situation and not know how to get out of it. She absolutely lied about her intentions and now is still lying (coming up with excuses why she can't leave rather than being honest and saying "I want to live with you.") (And the fact that she does not apparently have any friends who will help her is telling. I always advise people-- if an acquaintance or near-stranger wants something big from you-- money, etc.-- ask yourself why people close to them won't help...)
I mean, I'm not insensitive to the fact that maybe this girl is escaping abusive parents and literally has no one else to go to, but it doesn't sound like this is what she's claiming? And if it is the case, then that's all the more reason she needs social services.
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Originally Posted by cleasach
Your son really sounds like he has a particular syndrome in which he feels he has to save a damsel in distress. There is a vile, disgusting term for it that I don't subscribe to. The gal has done a number on him by making him her only source of help so he'll feel guilty if she has to go to a shelter. Guys like to feel needed and she is feeding him this vibe which puffs him up and gives a sort of "you and me against the world" patina to the whole scene.
Sure. Many people have it. We've seen it here many times, from people much older than this kid. (I'm not even talking about codependency where a person "gets off" on being the hero... some people just have way too soft of hearts.) They think they have to "save" someone. They think it makes them a "good" or "nice" person to do so. They watch too many movies about the noble person who sticks by someone else in hardship no matter what... but in the movies it always ends well and we get to admire their nobility in the end, whereas in real life it often ends up with the "nice" person trampled into the mud with little or nothing to show for their kindness. And I get it; it's hard to feel like you caused a bad outcome for someone else, even if it wasn't your fault. But... it behooves a person to learn how to protect themself and that it's not "selfish" to do so. This kid gets a chance to learn it early; I hope he does.
(The other problem is that once she has been "saved"-- if she ever is-- she may discover there is no more place for him in her new life, either because he is now no longer her only option*, or because she wants to get rid of the "old, hard" life she is leaving behind and that includes people and perhaps places she knew at that time.
*Could be good to remind him that being "needed" isn't all it's cracked up to be. A person can "need" another without even liking them-- they just stick around because they haven't much choice, but it doesn't mean they want or like to... it's when someone doesn't "need" you but rather is with you becuase they want to be, that you know you have a good and genuine relationship.)
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Originally Posted by calgirlinnc
My son says we are being selfish for not wanting to help her. He doesn’t understand why we are bothered as it is not like it costs us any more in rent money.
But it will cost you more. Not more rent, but more in utilities. More in food. What if she has medical bills? What if she needs transportation? Who will buy her clothing and such? Does she have hobbies or will she expect to go out and do fun things, and who will foot the bill for that?
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Originally Posted by calgirlinnc
ETA: I think we’re going to have to approach this as, she needs help. You aren’t equipped to help her. Let’s get her to a place where she can get the help she needs.
Yes-- this is a good approach. Remind him he's not a social worker and cannot help her; even if he wants to, he doesn't have the qualifications or resources to do so effectively and thus will not be good help. But he can support her in seeing a social worker who can, and that is the best way he can help her. (But I suspect there's a good chance that when she finds out he'll be her steadfast friend... in accessing social services... she'll suddenly discover she has other options...)
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Originally Posted by calgirlinnc
I approached it from, “we are trying to help you”. I was super sweet. I told her, I understand you are in a bind, but you cannot stay there. The lease is being broken.
She said, “can you send me a copy of the lease? I’d like to see that for myself.” She said she didn’t believe me.
I take it the landlord hasn't contacted him or her? If the LL is willing to toss her out, then maybe LL needs to let her know that.
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Originally Posted by calgirlinnc
She said she won’t work because there is no guarantee she will get paid.
What is her reasoning for thinking this? (Does she have a paranoia issue?) Is she planning to not work the rest of her life because she's afraid legitimate employers are out to scam her?
Sounds to me like your son needs to hop a plane and come home for a nice long visit and the landlord needs to change the locks while he's gone. Like I'm talking send her out to buy bagels and get the heck out of there while she's gone. And of course he needs to be sure she hasn't duplicated his key before he leaves.
I hate to even suggest this, but I wonder if her entire plan is to get pregnant in the hopes that your family will be her meal ticket. You don't need to answer this, but if you and your husband are middle to upper class, she may have very well looked you up just like you looked her up to check and see if she was 18 and had graduated and decided on YOU as marks the same way she decided son was her mark. If she gets pregnant by him, he's on the hook for 18 years of CS, and yes, it's on him to pay, not you, but she could put a lot of emotional pressure by saying she and baby are homeless, she won't let him see baby, baby is hungry, dtc, and if your son is too soft hearted to take her to a shelter, she's likely counting on him trying to get money out of you on her behalf. I hope I am wrong.
About half an hour after that phone call, my son called.
He said (and I’m paraphrasing), ~~ Mom, I’m alone right now. I’d like to apologize for that. I was horrified. No one talks to my mother like that. You deserve better than that; you have always fought for me and she has no idea about everything you have done for me. She is out. I’m getting her out. That was an ugly side of her I’d never seen. ~~
He said he had been prepared to fight for her, but her complete lack of self control and disrespect really put him off.
My husband is still going out there as we don’t know if she’ll go easily.
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What is her reasoning for thinking this? (Does she have a paranoia issue?) Is she planning to not work the rest of her life because she's afraid legitimate employers are out to scam her?
Why work if you can scam some “rich kid’s” parents?
I hate to even suggest this, but I wonder if her entire plan is to get pregnant in the hopes that your family will be her meal ticket. You don't need to answer this, but if you and your husband are middle to upper class, she may have very well looked you up just like you looked her up to check and see if she was 18 and had graduated and decided on YOU as marks the same way she decided son was her mark. If she gets pregnant by him, he's on the hook for 18 years of CS, and yes, it's on him to pay, not you, but she could put a lot of emotional pressure by saying she and baby are homeless, she won't let him see baby, baby is hungry, dtc, and if your son is too soft hearted to take her to a shelter, she's likely counting on him trying to get money out of you on her behalf. I hope I am wrong.
I would not put this past her. At all.
We aren’t wealthy, but compared to poor people we are very well off.
Talked to my son again. He put the girl on speaker.
Oh my Gosh.
I approached it from, “we are trying to help you”. I was super sweet. I told her, I understand you are in a bind, but you cannot stay there. The lease is being broken.
She said, “can you send me a copy of the lease? I’d like to see that for myself.” She said she didn’t believe me. She said she wasn’t living with him, just staying for a few weeks and what is wrong with that? I told her she gets like 5 days and those days are used up.
She said she won’t work because there is no guarantee she will get paid. She said everyone has to rely on someone, like our son relies on us. Sooo resentful. She can’t go to any of her relatives because her “entire family is toxic” and she needs to get away from “such toxicity.”
OMG my head is exploding.
All that you wrote here (in particular, her wishing to have a copy of the lease to peruse) tells me that she specifically targeted your son as her ticket out of having to provide for herself and her own needs. This is precisely the type of woman who will get pregnant "accidentally on purpose," so reiterate to your son that he cannot trust her to either be honest about her use of birth control or that she won't sabotage birth control efforts on his part (tamper with condoms/use their contents (ew, but there are women who do that, I kid you not).
She has zero right to see the lease; the sooner that she's out of that apartment the better. This is not some naive damsel in distress, but a young woman who made a calculated move to latch onto someone to provide for her. She told your kind, trusting son lies to get her hooks into him. While it's nice that he's a kind and empathic soul, he needs to see this young woman for the grifter that she is.
I'm glad that the property manager is on your side with this.
All that you wrote here (in particular, her wishing to have a copy of the lease to peruse) tells me that she specifically targeted your son as her ticket out of having to provide for herself and her own needs. This is precisely the type of woman who will get pregnant "accidentally on purpose," so reiterate to your son that he cannot trust her to either be honest about her use of birth control or that she won't sabotage birth control efforts on his part (tamper with condoms/use their contents (ew, but there are women who do that, I kid you not).
She has zero right to see the lease; the sooner that she's out of that apartment the better. This is not some naive damsel in distress, but a young woman who made a calculated move to latch onto someone to provide for her. She told your kind, trusting son lies to get her hooks into him. While it's nice that he's a kind and empathic soul, he needs to see this young woman for the grifter that she is.
I'm glad that the property manager is on your side with this.
Yes, 100%, right on target.
One of the reasons my husband is going is because he is the lease holder. He can call the sheriff and have her arrested for criminal trespass.
I don’t put it past her to get pregnant by some random guy and blame my son.
(And obviously I told her I was not going to share a private legal document with her.)
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