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My daughter and I no longer speak to each other. She continues to speak regularly to my wife and her older brother. This past Sunday my Daughter's boyfriend planned a surprise birthday celebration at a restaurant near where we live. My daughter and her boyfriend live in Maryland. My daughter's boyfriend's family lives in Brooklyn. While traveling from Brooklyn to Westchester County where the party was being held (my wife and son were invited I was not) They get stopped at an NYPD checkpoint. My daughter's boyfriend was arrested for driving on a suspended license, so they never made it to the party. My wife and son come home and tell me what happened. My wife then asks if there was anything I could do because I am retired from the NYPD. I told her I'm retired and since our daughter was not the one arrested her boyfriend needed to call his parent's and get a lawyer to help. My wife was disappointed with my answer and I had to remind her that she hasn't spoken to me for over two years and now I'm suddenly supposed to help her boyfriend out??? The entitlement here is nauseating. How can I not let this drama not put a strain on things between my wife and I??
Your wife is in the wrong about wanting you to fix the ticket. The boyfriend chose to drive on a suspended license, so let him deal with the legal consequences of that action. If your daughter knew about this and rode in the car anyway, she's wrong too, morally even if not legally. Is your wife in the habit of bailing out your adult daughter and/or her boyfriend? If so, she needs to cut it out, not drag you into it. This is a hill I would choose to make a stand on. Sell your integrity out now, and it will have been cheapened enough that she'll expect you to do it again, whenever the next time comes that something your daughter did needs fixing.
Presumably your wife knows or will recognize if you point it out that you don't and never have used your former/retired position to help friends and other family members out of a jam. Remind her nicely.
Out of curiosity, what would you do if your son were in this position and wife asked you to help him by making a call?
As for your daughter, not going to pry into the issue but offer this.
If its a malicious or intentional lie she told maybe offer to try to work through your issues with a neutral third party like a counselor. Leave a door open for her to apologize even if it takes her time.
If its something that happened that she totally misunderstood......same thing.
If its something she is remembering from childhood incorrectly and blaming on you, like abuse or molestation, then you and your wife need to do a serious inventory of anyone else it could have been. Possibly including asking other family members who could have been subjected to the same.
I noticed that the OP never clarified whether it was an intentional lie or a situation where perhaps she misremembered something or was convinced something happened that never really happened. Similarly, a polygraph doesn’t really prove anything. He could just as easily misremember something and would pass, so I don’t know what good that would do.
At any rate, I don’t really see a reason for the OP to intervene in any manner for the arrest. I understand that some areas use tickets as a way to generate revenue and they can end up being very expensive, but he was also doing something suspicious to get pulled over the second time. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that he has a lot of felonies no one knows about, because an unpaid moving violation is hardly a felony, but it is something he needs to deal with on his own.
The bf was careless/stupid enough to get his license suspended. He was really, really stupid to drive with a suspended license. Helping him, if you are actually able to do so, would be enabling him. Also criminal. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. Your wife is being unreasonable . Even if you were on great terms with your daughter you should stay out of it.
Since you were not afraid to share the story in another thread I'm not sure why you can be more clear about this lie here. Hard to give an opinion without knowing that.
But now that I think about it regardless of the lie she told is it really worth it to throw away your daughter and cut your grandchildren totally out of your life? They will grow old with the knowledge that they never knew their grandfather, not because he had died but instead over a grudge. You will never know your grandkids, that's a ridiculously high price to pay just to prove that you were right.
Some times you need to be the bigger man, you are the parent after all, and move past all of that. If not this will be one of your biggest regrets as you lie on your death bed.
Without being able to know the nature and specifics of the lie, all I can say is...
"To err is human, to forgive, divine".
It is sad that some Christian forgivness can not be employed here.
I am not judging anybody. It is what it is.
I just find that people who stubbornly hold a grudge forever, usually end up only hurting themselves rather than the person they desire to hurt, and forgiveness usually lifts that burden from the shoulders of the one doing the forgiving. Forgiving someone ultimately benefits the person doing teh forgiving far more than the person being forgiven.
My daughter and her BF are 25. Our estrangement is due to a lie she told her mother and others about me that was proven false with a polygraph test.
I did not know polygraph tests proved anything, they are not accurate enough. They might indicate a likelihood but not proof.
The random checkpoints in NYC are a bit disturbing. I did not know that was legal.
I respect not using your badge for favors with the NYPD but if you want to put out an olive branch with your daughter this might be the one time to do that. I don't get it why was he driving? You daughter does not have a valid license either?
My daughter and I no longer speak to each other. She continues to speak regularly to my wife and her older brother. This past Sunday my Daughter's boyfriend planned a surprise birthday celebration at a restaurant near where we live. My daughter and her boyfriend live in Maryland. My daughter's boyfriend's family lives in Brooklyn. While traveling from Brooklyn to Westchester County where the party was being held (my wife and son were invited I was not) They get stopped at an NYPD checkpoint. My daughter's boyfriend was arrested for driving on a suspended license, so they never made it to the party. My wife and son come home and tell me what happened. My wife then asks if there was anything I could do because I am retired from the NYPD. I told her I'm retired and since our daughter was not the one arrested her boyfriend needed to call his parent's and get a lawyer to help. My wife was disappointed with my answer and I had to remind her that she hasn't spoken to me for over two years and now I'm suddenly supposed to help her boyfriend out??? The entitlement here is nauseating. How can I not let this drama not put a strain on things between my wife and I??
What exactly did your wife expect you to do for the boyfriend?
I know this kind of thing happens alot (asking law enforcement friends or relatives if they can 'do something') but as a retired law enforcement professional, my opinion is that this type of interference is unethical. Let the boyfriend handle his own problems. Besides, in NY, this violation is probably a big nothing-burger.
I agree with you on not helping the BF with the suspended license. My question would be why is it suspended. Most people go through life without having their license suspended.
As for avoiding your daughter, really hate to read that. Maybe someday you will loosen up your stance on that just for the good of the whole family. Be polite and cordial, never be alone with her. It might make your wife happier. Happy wife, happy life.
Given that the OP doesn't want to be near grandchildren either, I have an awful feeling the 'lie' is of a sexual nature. I would do the same thing if I was him. The daughter can either apologize and recant the lie or live with the consequences.
What troubles me more is that the wife doesn't stand by the husband, but then, she is in an absolutely awful position.
So, do you think your daughter believes this "lie"? Is it from a memory she has of you that you are denying happened?
Is there no way to put this ugly family rift behind you for the sake of your wife and son?
I can't imagine how awkward and painful it is to get the silent treatment from one parent for years. Surely there is a way to work things out instead of dying on this hill.
Yes this is my biological daughter. The lie she told was serious enough for me o spend a hefty amount of cash on a polygraph to prove my innocence. I don't want to be anywhere near her under any circumstances.
I'm guessing the nature of her allegation. I'd do exactly what you're doing and stay away from her until she apologies AND recants the lie - which may not happen. But even then. She might level a similar accusation.
what an awful position to put you in - her Dad. I'm sorry.
I'm chiming in as I am because I had a similar familial issue (though not the allegation that I'm 'guessing') that caused a years long rift between my husband, his parents, and I. I never got an apology, which I still believe I deserve(d), but he has patched things up with his mother at my urging, because I felt he would regret it if he did not. The father has passed away. But he never stuck up for me in the whole debacle, and though I've let go of it - mostly - it still hurts me.
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