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Very difficult to have empathy when you are the one accused.
Yes, difficult when you are being accused by a stranger. Not as difficult when it is your own flesh and blood daughter who you raised.
Do you believe something happened to her? Do you care?
I know you are disgusted by your son as well for different reasons. In another thread you basically said that people who don't have kids are the lucky ones. Do you still believe that?
You keep on saying "something"... what?? Does she still believe whatever it is you were accused of? If she apologized, would that mend the rift? Also, is this a one way sort of deal? Or do both sides want nothing to do with the other?
I don't believe a simple apology would fix this. The allegation once made has a devastating effect. You don't just accuse a parent of something, have no context as to when, or where this incident took place.
I noticed that the OP never clarified whether it was an intentional lie or a situation where perhaps she misremembered something or was convinced something happened that never really happened. Similarly, a polygraph doesn’t really prove anything. He could just as easily misremember something and would pass, so I don’t know what good that would do.
At any rate, I don’t really see a reason for the OP to intervene in any manner for the arrest. I understand that some areas use tickets as a way to generate revenue and they can end up being very expensive, but he was also doing something suspicious to get pulled over the second time. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that he has a lot of felonies no one knows about, because an unpaid moving violation is hardly a felony, but it is something he needs to deal with on his own.
The daughter probably made up a claim of sexual abuse and when it reached the DA level, the only viable resolution was a polygraph. Nobody polygraphs for lying about taking the trash out. It was a big deal. And when it’s a big deal, it’s difficult to ignore or pass over time.
For the OP’s question, not worth it and no need to “make a call” based on unpaid tickets that results in loss of drivers license. Boyfriend can just pay more in fines than he would have earlier.
Given that the OP doesn't want to be near grandchildren either, I have an awful feeling the 'lie' is of a sexual nature. I would do the same thing if I was him. The daughter can either apologize and recant the lie or live with the consequences.
What troubles me more is that the wife doesn't stand by the husband, but then, she is in an absolutely awful position.
Sounds like the wife is torn and is not choosing one over the other, trying to keep both relationships.
But you're right, and that's why I posted he should never be alone with his daughter, ever, and any grandchildren. That's just standard practice that many people follow to make sure there's never any accusations. Sad that it has to be with family as well.
So, do you think your daughter believes this "lie"? Is it from a memory she has of you that you are denying happened?
Is there no way to put this ugly family rift behind you for the sake of your wife and son?
I can't imagine how awkward and painful it is to get the silent treatment from one parent for years. Surely there is a way to work things out instead of dying on this hill.
No lie no pain. IMO it's the daughter's job to fix this. If she wants to be stubborn then so be it.
Yes, difficult when you are being accused by a stranger. Not as difficult when it is your own flesh and blood daughter who you raised.
Do you believe something happened to her? Do you care?
I know you are disgusted by your son as well for different reasons. In another thread you basically said that people who don't have kids are the lucky ones. Do you still believe that?
I no longer believe what she says. Therefore if something happened there now is doubt in my mind, because she accused me with no problem. She LIED about me. She accused me, one of two people who had her back through most of her life. I forgave her for sticking me with a $105K student loan debt. My wife and I have bailed her out when she comes up short financially (she has even paid us back for those, not the student loan). The point made is that people (IMO) who decide not to have children ARE lucky. Children can be a blessing, however it can go wrong even when you do the right thing to raise them into responsible adults.
My daughter and I no longer speak to each other. She continues to speak regularly to my wife and her older brother. This past Sunday my Daughter's boyfriend planned a surprise birthday celebration at a restaurant near where we live. My daughter and her boyfriend live in Maryland. My daughter's boyfriend's family lives in Brooklyn. While traveling from Brooklyn to Westchester County where the party was being held (my wife and son were invited I was not) They get stopped at an NYPD checkpoint. My daughter's boyfriend was arrested for driving on a suspended license, so they never made it to the party. My wife and son come home and tell me what happened. My wife then asks if there was anything I could do because I am retired from the NYPD. I told her I'm retired and since our daughter was not the one arrested her boyfriend needed to call his parent's and get a lawyer to help. My wife was disappointed with my answer and I had to remind her that she hasn't spoken to me for over two years and now I'm suddenly supposed to help her boyfriend out??? The entitlement here is nauseating. How can I not let this drama not put a strain on things between my wife and I??
Somehow this thread has because more about the relationship between the father and daughter than the question that was asked, which is how he not let this strain things between he and his wife.
Let's say the relationship was fine between father and daughter. Should family members of police officers be getting their tickets "fixed?" Or, should they be treated like the average citizen?
As someone else said, why was the BF driving and not the daughter? And why is the Mother so keen to help? Is she afraid her daughter will be angry with her? That she will be cut out of her life?
The daughter and BF are adults. They need to be treated like adults and expected to act responsibility or suffer the consequences. Sometimes that's how we learn. Are the daughter and BF drug or alcohol abusers? Is that why the BF was so careless as to get his license suspended?
How can the OP resolve the strain in his relationship without doing exactly what his wife wants? Am I the only one that thinks his wife is the unreasonable one on this instance?
No-one should ever ask a cop, active or retired, to be corrupt. Fixing a ticket for a person you know is an example of police corruption. This is perhaps the only question OP wanted an answer to really, and that's the only valid answer. You are under no obligation ever to act illegally or unethically in order to assist family members.
Beyond that...this seems to be a very complicated family situation and OP has chosen not to divulge quite a few details, so I can only imagine he doesn't really wanna talk about those elements of the story.
Are you avoiding communication with her so the accusation would not resurface to open further scrutiny?
You are not revealing the gravity or nature of the accusation.
Bailing the BF out is not the elephant in the room.
How can I not let this drama not put a strain on things between my wife and I??
You can't.
You can put on your big boy pants and take responsibility for your decision.
You do (or don't do) something that makes your wife mad.
Whether you are right or wrong, your wife is mad.
You get to deal with a mad wife.
It's no fun. Boo-hoo for you. Maybe wife stays mad, maybe she gets over it. None of that is up to you. You control what you do, not how other people act.
End of story.
Sure you can continue to write this story by raging at your wife, at God, at the sky, at everyone else about how unfair it is to you, how you did this and that and are so put upon. You can feel sorry for yourself and ---- and moan about it on social media, at the bar, or with your friends. Not the manliest way to handle it, but to each their own.
In the end though, your wife still gets to be mad at you if she wants to be.
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