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My daughter and I no longer speak to each other. She continues to speak regularly to my wife and her older brother. This past Sunday my Daughter's boyfriend planned a surprise birthday celebration at a restaurant near where we live. My daughter and her boyfriend live in Maryland. My daughter's boyfriend's family lives in Brooklyn. While traveling from Brooklyn to Westchester County where the party was being held (my wife and son were invited I was not) They get stopped at an NYPD checkpoint. My daughter's boyfriend was arrested for driving on a suspended license, so they never made it to the party. My wife and son come home and tell me what happened. My wife then asks if there was anything I could do because I am retired from the NYPD. I told her I'm retired and since our daughter was not the one arrested her boyfriend needed to call his parent's and get a lawyer to help. My wife was disappointed with my answer and I had to remind her that she hasn't spoken to me for over two years and now I'm suddenly supposed to help her boyfriend out??? The entitlement here is nauseating. How can I not let this drama not put a strain on things between my wife and I??
A few questions because there is a lot of missing context, and context typically matters.
How old is your daughter and the BF?
Why are you estranged from your daughter?
How long has she been going out with the boyfriend? Have you met him? Is it a relationship that is likely to become long lasting?
Do you hope to ever have a relationship with your daughter again?
Have you considered how this estrangement impacts your wife? I suspect it hurts her emotionally. How about your son?
I think your original advice is spot on, but you can also do a bit more, the bare minimum really, to make your wife happy. Call a few of your old friends in the department. Find out what you can, but you don't have to ask for favors. You can then tell your wife you made a few calls and there is nothing you can do.
Please note, this is my advice without knowing any of the context.
A few questions because there is a lot of missing context, and context typically matters.
How old is your daughter and the BF?
Why are you estranged from your daughter?
How long has she been going out with the boyfriend? Have you met him? Is it a relationship that is likely to become long lasting?
Do you hope to ever have a relationship with your daughter again?
Have you considered how this estrangement impacts your wife? I suspect it hurts her emotionally. How about your son?
I think your original advice is spot on, but you can also do a bit more, the bare minimum really, to make your wife happy. Call a few of your old friends in the department. Find out what you can, but you don't have to ask for favors. You can then tell your wife you made a few calls and there is nothing you can do.
Please note, this is my advice without knowing any of the context.
My daughter and her BF are 25. Our estrangement is due to a lie she told her mother and others about me that was proven false with a polygraph test. My daughter and her boyfriend have been together now for about 5 years. Their relationship is serious and will more likely lead up to him proposing in the near future. I refuse to talk to her until she apologizes for the lie she told. My wife understands the situation, but she feels its important to continue to have as positive a relationship as she can with her. My son has no idea why we are no longer talking. My wife does feel bad about the estrangement, but I never requested her to discontinue her relationship with our daughter. As far as making a phone call I never in the 32 years I spent with the department ever asked for any favors on behalf of any of either my wife's or my own family members who ran afoul of the law. As long as my immediate family (my wife, son, or daughter) are not the ones in cuffs I stay out of NYPD business and advise other family and friends to pay their tickets, or seek legal advice from a lawyer.
I refuse to talk to her until she apologizes for the lie she told.
Get over it and move on.
There was a Meryl Steep movie: "Ricki And The Flash". The mother (Meryl) was having conflict with one of her adult children. There was a great line in that movie, "As a parent it is your job to love them, not theirs to love you". I thought that was powerful. And much truth to it--we bring them into the World, it is our job to love them. There was also a great line in a child raising book I read a long time ago, "Love them when they least desire it".
Why lose anymore time with your daughter? You both seem a bit stubborn. Just let it go--have a relationship with her.
So, do you think your daughter believes this "lie"? Is it from a memory she has of you that you are denying happened?
Is there no way to put this ugly family rift behind you for the sake of your wife and son?
I can't imagine how awkward and painful it is to get the silent treatment from one parent for years. Surely there is a way to work things out instead of dying on this hill.
So, do you think your daughter believes this "lie"? Is it from a memory she has of you that you are denying happened?
Is there no way to put this ugly family rift behind you for the sake of your wife and son?
I can't imagine how awkward and painful it is to get the silent treatment from one parent for years. Surely there is a way to work things out instead of dying on this hill.
If there is I haven't found a way around it. I went and paid for a polygraph test to prove I was telling the truth. I felt that was the best way for me to give some proof that what she alleged was a lie. I feel the only way to begin to heal is for her to take a polygraph. If I took that drastic measure to prove I didn't do what she alleged then she needs to do the same.
If there is I haven't found a way around it. I went and paid for a polygraph test to prove I was telling the truth. I felt that was the best way for me to give some proof that what she alleged was a lie. I feel the only way to begin to heal is for her to take a polygraph. If I took that drastic measure to prove I didn't do what she alleged then she needs to do the same.
Sounds like that's a rule you made up all by yourself. Do you make all the rules in the family?
You can make all the rules you want. They don't have to follow them. Is she willing to have a relationship with you or does she believe the lie so much, that she can't either? One of our sons was estranged for quite some time. He told and probably at the time, believed many lies. But we never cut him off completely. He is now getting married soon and asked me to officiate. By trying to keep some communication, healing has occurred.
What if they have children? Do you want relationships with the grandchildren?
cd : O)
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