Homework for a High Schooler (punish, teaching, game, appropriate)

[reneeh63]

Originally Posted by terracore

Just an observation, but this isn't a homework question. If your kid is failing at school there are many other issues.

A High School kid's primary job is to graduate High School. Your son is failing. Why does he have a second job when he is failing at the first one? Your son needs to quit his job. And you need to keep the video games on a leash. They are a privilege. A reward. They are not a "right".

My daughter graduated a year early and as Valedictorian. We had struggles like you describe and turned them around. She also went to college on a scholarship. These positive outcomes would not have happened without our intervention. And I don't mean a substance abuse intervention, it was entirely a lifestyle intervention.

Just my opinions:

1) He quits his job so he can focus on High School. You give him an allowance to make up some of the difference. It can be performance based, but you'll have to figure that out based on your unique situation.

2) Meet with his school counselor if you haven't already. Request weekly progress reports from his teachers. He's not going to be involved with his schooling unless you are. In many schools the weekly progress reports are collected by the student from each teacher in person. That forces them to talk about what needs to happen to turn things around.

3) No video games until his grades improve. The weekly progress reports will help with that.

4) If you can't tutor him in the subjects he is struggling with, hire one. The HS counselor should be able to make some recommendations. They might even be free through the school somehow.

5) Are there outside influences that need to be addressed? Drugs, bad friend influences, etc? One of the worst things a parent can do is try to be their kid's friend and not set or enforce enough boundaries. I don't recommend people spy on their kids, but they need to monitor them. There are apps for every electronic device that allow parents to do so, but don't install them without telling them what they do. Kids need privacy too, but they don't need to communicate on apps that allow them to send pictures of genitals to each other that automatically erase themselves after they've been viewed.

6) Learn the codes that kids use. They can text right in front of you and you might have no idea what they are really talking about. 10 years ago kids would use "POS" (parent over shoulder) to communicate to others in the chat that they were being watched. "Man that history test was a POS I hate Mr. Berg" had nothing to do with history, with class, or Mr. Berg.

7) Good luck! Parenting is hard. But just like high school is your kid's primary job, parenting is yours. Fixing the situation might at times feel like it's harder for you than the child. That's love.

I agree with most everything here - just as driving is a privilege, so is working. It is pointless for him to "succeed" at working because that will make no difference to his future success if he fails high school. Graduating must be his one and only priority. He may have the feeling that as long as he does okay at work that you'll "forgive" him for failing H.S.

I'm not surprised you've having issues with him rebelling against your "help" if you've never stepped in before now. Something has changed that his grades have dropped and you need to get to the bottom of it. The fall semester is almost finished and time is running out. You may need to start looking into alternatives that are available in terms of summer school, repeating the grade, or even pursuing a GED. Start by talking to him AND anyone you can at the school - this is an EMERGENCY and both you and HE should fully feel the urgency of this. How will he spend the break between semesters? Can he be tutored? Seriously, consider all avenues.

[reneeh63]

Originally Posted by saibot

I have three kids. For my older two kids, who are now in college, I would have answered E. They were both totally responsible in high school and got excellent grades.

My son is a senior in high school and he sounds exactly like your son. Well, not quite, because last year the only class he actually failed was Precalculus. He scraped through Physics with a couple of points to spare. But this is still not good.

My current answer to your question is B. I make sure he does his homework (to the best of my ability) and at the end of every week, I incentivise that by giving him a small amount of money for every day that week that he did NOT fail to do any assignments. (He doesn't currently have a job, and I don't give him money otherwise).

I don't check the actual work--it's mostly done and turned in on the computer, so I never get the chance anyway--and he refuses to ask me for any assistance even though I offer it.

It doesn't help that some of the assignments are incredibly stupid. One that he simply refused to do was an English assignment to "write a sonnet." Are you kidding me?? Write a poem, maybe, any old poem. But write a sonnet? Kids in a regular high school English class are supposed to compose a credible sonnet with its 14 lines in iambic pentameter and intricate rhyme scheme and ending couplet? I took AP English myself and got a 5 on the test, so I'm good at English, and we analysed a ton of poetry in class, but my teacher was never so naive as to ask us 17-year-olds to write a sonnet. I am not surprised that my son did not turn anything in. But, I digress.

The whole thing is incredibly frustrating. I feel your pain.

It really doesn't matter if the assignments are seemingly stupid and certainly to convey that to the child only supports him not even trying. My gd - writing a sonnet is hard? It doesn't even have to be good, just count out the syllables and rhyme...but yes, I digress on your digression.

The point is that there are obligations and rules that he must follow at this time in his life - he will face different obligations and rules later but he has to learn what can be bent and what must be done. Graduating is a MUST DO and it does not help to give a student reasons not to do their work because it seems "silly". Don't let him cut off his nose to spite both your faces.

[saibot]

Originally Posted by reneeh63

It really doesn't matter if the assignments are seemingly stupid and certainly to convey that to the child only supports him not even trying. My gd - writing a sonnet is hard? It doesn't even have to be good, just count out the syllables and rhyme...but yes, I digress on your digression.

The point is that there are obligations and rules that he must follow at this time in his life - he will face different obligations and rules later but he has to learn what can be bent and what must be done. Graduating is a MUST DO and it does not help to give a student reasons not to do their work because it seems "silly". Don't let him cut off his nose to spite both your faces.

I didn't find out about the sonnet until after he had not turned it in. If I had known about it, it would have been done even if we had to sit there together and work on it line by line. I just couldn't resist interjecting my opinion here that I think it was a terrible assignment --reading and analyzing literature and poetry is far more valuable than attempting to recreate it.

And yes, writing a sonnet that scans and rhymes properly and also makes sense is not as easy as you imply. I have done it.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by NewUser

I'm in the middle of an argument with my high school son. . . . . .

My son is a bright kid, but he is lazy and has no motivation for anything other than video games.
Last semester (spring semester of junior year) he failed every single class. . and I'm not talking about getting 59%. . . .No. . . he got 25% in most classes. Our state pulls kids drivers permits if they fail 3/4 of their classes, so he is no longer driving. I have to drive him to and from work.

I want him to get his driver's license back, and I want him to get his diploma, so I told him that this year (his senior year) I would be more active in his classes. I want to make sure he is turning in homework and I want to review his work before it is turned in.

Tonight he had a homework assignment about a Jane Goodall documentary. He was supposed to watch the documentary in class, and answer questions on a worksheet handed out by the teacher. I checked his answers and a few were left blank. He also failed to answer the second part of some multi-part questions. It was obvious that he did not pay attention while the class watched the video. I asked him to redo the questions that he did not complete. I did not ask him to redo questions that I felt his answers were incorrect or inadequately stated.

He blew up and yelled that I am a terrible parent and that NOBODY has parents that check or review their kid's homework before they turn it in. He said that I am following arcane practices from the 80s and that I am being unreasonable.

So, my question is. . . . to what extent do you participate in your high-schooler's homework?

a) Even if my kid was failing every class I would not get involved
b) I make sure that they turn in their homework
c) I review their homework and ask them to redo questions that I know are incorrect, incomplete, or missing.
d) I practically do my kid's homework for them.
e) I don't need to be involved. My kids are able to keep on top of their homework and get good grades all on their own.

Sorry, dad; I can't believe you need outside opinions on this. You sound like you're giving your son's arguments credence, and want to check with impartial sources.

What you should have said is, that HIS parent is checking and reviewing his homework, because he FAILED his 2nd semester of his junior year! He showed the school AND his parents, that he needs supervision! This is the consequence to the poor choices he made.

And while we're pointing out the obvious, tell us please, how he got to senior status after zoning out half his junior year? How/why did the school allow him to progress? Doesn't he have to make up those classes? He won't be college-bound if he doesn't. He'll have to do summer school or some such program, in order to graduate (I HOPE). No university will accept a HS transcript in which the student basically went AWOL for half his junior year. I bet the other half of that year doesn't look very good on his transcript, either.

At least you're trying to introduce some accountability. Keep working on that. Don't fall for a teenager's tantrums.

[Ruth4Truth]

Oh, and I forgot to mention the most important thing: his gaming addiction. Your son needs to get into some kind of addiction recovery program. Maybe you can find one that has something like a 3-week residential program with psychologists on staff during the Christmas break. His schoolwork won't improve just by you bearing down on him, though it's important that you do that. He should be evaluated by a professional for addiction and obsessive-compulsive behavior.

Otherwise, he'll flunk out of college, even a community college, if he somehow manages to graduate HS.


Brace yourself for teen rage. Unless, miraculously, if you demonstrate that you supervising his homework is the new normal from which there's no escape, and that he's lucky he has a parent who cares and is willing to put the time in to rescue him from himself, he finally accepts reality and begins to buckle down. Then maybe the addiction-recovery program and psychotherapists won't be necessary. We can always hope.


Alternatively, there's the military after graduation, if he's healthy, can pass a physical, and has good eyesight.

[NewUser]

Originally Posted by ClaraC

Here's what I heard from a discussion with a school district Superintendent whose adopted son was facing not graduating. You do everything you can to make them graduate. EVERYTHING you can. Because an adult without even a high school education has no prospects for success, and it takes so little effort to minimally achieve this.

I would suggest you say to your son what I said to one of my sons, "I love you more than you love yourself, and that's why I'm going to push with all my might to help you".

Thank you for the reply. I'm going to say that even a school district superintendent feels options b and c are appropriate, and even going as far as option d may be needed.

I will definitely use your quote sometime this afternoon when my son gets home from school. Thank you for that.

[NewUser]

My apologies for paraphrasing your post. . .

Originally Posted by terracore

Your son needs to quit his job
You need to . . . .
* Meet with school.
* Request weekly progress reports.
* Withhold video games.
* Hire a tutor.
* Monitor your child's online activity.

Thank you for the advice. I assure you that all of these things are being done, and have been done for many years.

However, I was not asking for advice regarding this ongoing struggle.

My question was: To what extent do you participate in your high-schooler's homework?

[NewUser]

Originally Posted by reneeh63

I agree with most everything here - .

Thank you for the reply. Please see my reply to terracore above

[NewUser]

Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth

Sorry, dad; I can't believe you need outside opinions on this.

Well, to be honest, my wife and I started our family late in life. I went to high school in the late 70's, and he is our first child. I know what I feel is right, but in 45 years society's expectations change. . . . school expectations change. I'm appalled when I see what some kids wear to school nowadays. And I don't see how kids can concentrate on anything in class when they have a laptop with an internet connection right in front of them. My brother is a public school teacher and I hear all kinds of stories.

Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth

What you should have said is . . . . .

Don't worry. I did not back down. I said all of the things you mentioned, and more.

[2mares]

Originally Posted by NewUser

I'm in the middle of an argument with my high school son. . . . . .

My son is a bright kid, but he is lazy and has no motivation for anything other than video games.
Last semester (spring semester of junior year) he failed every single class. . and I'm not talking about getting 59%. . . .No. . . he got 25% in most classes. Our state pulls kids drivers permits if they fail 3/4 of their classes, so he is no longer driving. I have to drive him to and from work.

I want him to get his driver's license back, and I want him to get his diploma, so I told him that this year (his senior year) I would be more active in his classes. I want to make sure he is turning in homework and I want to review his work before it is turned in.

Tonight he had a homework assignment about a Jane Goodall documentary. He was supposed to watch the documentary in class, and answer questions on a worksheet handed out by the teacher. I checked his answers and a few were left blank. He also failed to answer the second part of some multi-part questions. It was obvious that he did not pay attention while the class watched the video. I asked him to redo the questions that he did not complete. I did not ask him to redo questions that I felt his answers were incorrect or inadequately stated.

He blew up and yelled that I am a terrible parent and that NOBODY has parents that check or review their kid's homework before they turn it in. He said that I am following arcane practices from the 80s and that I am being unreasonable.

So, my question is. . . . to what extent do you participate in your high-schooler's homework?

a) Even if my kid was failing every class I would not get involved
b) I make sure that they turn in their homework
c) I review their homework and ask them to redo questions that I know are incorrect, incomplete, or missing.
d) I practically do my kid's homework for them.
e) I don't need to be involved. My kids are able to keep on top of their homework and get good grades all on their own.

I will have to go with e. I took in my grand when he was 12, so I was on round two from 6th grade through graduation. I have to say I was very lucky that was such a good kid. I did not really have to stay on top of him. I would remind and make sure he had all his homework/studying and certainly help review it if asked.
I did however practically do all the craft/artwork type projects he was assigned for classes because he absolutely hates that stuff and is terrible at it while I love it and figured doing art type projects for non art classes was not really important in the scheme of things.
However if I had the issues you are having I would absolutely be checking up on everything making sure he is doing his best like he was in third grade. If he insists on acting like a third grader treat him like one. He will thank you one day.