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Old 01-26-2023, 05:38 AM
 
762 posts, read 445,080 times
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Mothers tried to model moral decency to their children.... It's no wonder they are the way they are nowadays, there's no respect for their moms and dads (if the dads are even in the picture). Wrap it up.
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Old 01-26-2023, 06:14 AM
 
Location: U.S.A.
19,591 posts, read 20,023,844 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfenstein View Post

so what am I supposed to do?
You have two choices here: turn on classical music or Bob Marley when you are babysitting.
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Old 01-26-2023, 02:28 PM
 
13,254 posts, read 8,329,669 times
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At one pt I was a single parent.
My paramour at the time made much sense when he said: I can discipline them without harm dear, watch and see.
Sure enough : he directed them with : pick up your coat, hang it in the closet. He used please and thank you for formal matters. He didn't beg or plead. If they gave him an attitude he maintained a stance . Was respectable and assertive. And yes on occasions ' listened' to and mediated.
So I suggest when the lady expects you to be the adult in attending to this young lad. That it includes discipline such as the style discussed above. It's not too late. I know as I found in my early teens a positive person who showed me how to do better with their guidance.
You have a voice and some positive wisdom... Let your lady faire know you will do what is best ...and that includes being the responsible adult
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Old 01-26-2023, 02:53 PM
 
Location: New York NY
5,508 posts, read 8,690,875 times
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Originally Posted by Cloudwalker View Post
Outside of school, what does he do besides gaming? What are the things about him you like?

I agree there should be parental controls on the phone, but they also need to be used selectively. No one likes to feel like they have no privacy, kids included. I wouldn't flip out about him talking with a 12yo girl from Roblux.

The shower, backpack, not picking up stuff - those are definitely annoying, but fairly standard issues around that age. You both need to be calmly consistent on requiring him to come back and fix it. It doesn't happen overnight, especially with ADHD in the mix. When you are there and she is not, you are the adult in charge, so be firm in your expectations, but not scary.

Catch him being good. When he actually does the things you want him to do without being asked, make a big deal about it. We all want to be seen, and positive feedback really works to get a much better dynamic going.

The crying around game playing/having a tough time losing graciously - again, not that uncommon in kids who still have a very fragile sense of self. It's a sign of being overwhelmed. Ten is a pretty brutal age, other kids can be merciless in teasing and put-downs, and it's possible the ADHD involves behaviors that mark him as a bit "different" at school, so maybe that all plays into it in the background. Be patient and supportive and keep playing games with him. When he calms down, talk with him about how he felt. (I wish I had focused more as a parent on teaching my kids to be able to recognize and sit with/manage their emotions, playing catchup now that they are teenagers. It didn't even occur to me when they were young, I wasn't raised that way, but for our family, it definitely makes a difference)

Go and see a therapist together if you are thinking of moving in. You are not his parent, but you would be assuming some parent-like responsibilities, yet you can't talk to her about it for fear of a fight...that is not a recipe for success. But it doesn't mean things are doomed either. Once you've done that, do some family-focused therapy with the three of you, especially before any more children come into the mix. There are patterns getting established that you need help to break.

Finally, as a parent of a 16yo son with ADHD, the struggles that condition brings are real. It can be hard at times to tease out what is ADHD and what is you just being played, but don't doubt that it does make life harder for him and those who care for him. You have already been around for a good chunk of his existence and have a great opportunity to be a patient, calm, positive ongoing presence in his life. It speaks well of you that you can see there are issues and are looking for answers. I hope you find some.
This is all great advice--especially the part about seeking therapy if you are seriously considering living together or marriage. Parenting stepkids can be a tremendous strain, and it's best to examine what life might be like with this boy and your SO with the help of an outsider before moving deeper into the relationship.

Another thing: Sometimes ADHD meds or their dosage need to be changed. Their effectiveness can wane when kids are growing or going through a growth spurt. When is the last time Mom had a follow up after the initial prescription?

And yes, he IS a ten-year old, so a lot of his behavior doesn't seem that far from normal, like the sloppiness, the temper tantrums, and the fake showers (one of mine did that too!). There are also a a lot of kids --ADHD or not--who are perfectly well-behaved out of the house, but feel free to break down and go a little nuts at home because that's where they feel safe, sort of a back-handed compliment to Mom. (I would let him keep his phone, but I'd put a parental control or spyware on it.) And good for you for not bad-mouthing his Dad to him. That would only make things between you and him tense and more complicated.
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Old 01-26-2023, 05:56 PM
 
2,098 posts, read 2,481,492 times
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For the shower, I'd suggest that he should be giving his phone/electronics up at a certain time of night (perhaps 8) so he can start winding down for bed. So the switch and phone should go to you or his mom and you'll keep it in your bedroom until morning. So that would be a good time for him to take his shower at that point.

I would pick three behaviors you most want to focus on. If it's showering, hanging up his school things on the hook and completing homework, then he checks those three things off and he gets electronics time after school the next day. If he doesn't, the phone and video games are surrendered to parents as soon as he gets home from school and he gets to try again for the next day. If he fake showers, he simply doesn't get his phone the next day. Up to him.
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Old 01-26-2023, 08:04 PM
 
603 posts, read 330,032 times
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You are not responsible for stepping in and being the white knight to rescue this lady from her life choices. Your biggest worry should be the 10 year old getting ticked off with you setting any kind of limits, he only needs to make a couple of allegations to child protection and law enforcement and your life is ruined.
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Old 01-26-2023, 09:15 PM
 
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Good luck! I hung in there with that situation for years. It didn't end well for me!
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Old 01-27-2023, 02:02 PM
 
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My gut is saying run, but my heart is saying have a very serious talk with her first. Let her know you will not continue to pursue a relationship as you don’t want to live like that nor raise your own kids that way. See what she says. If she’s willing to listen to your areas then go from there. You sound like you will be a great parent one day.
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Old 01-27-2023, 05:10 PM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,210 posts, read 14,434,494 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Txdac16 View Post
My gut is saying run, but my heart is saying have a very serious talk with her first. Let her know you will not continue to pursue a relationship as you don’t want to live like that nor raise your own kids that way. See what she says. If she’s willing to listen to your areas then go from there. You sound like you will be a great parent one day.
Same.

I can sympathize with a Mom just trying her best (if misguided at times) to be a single parent, losing a man she cares about and envisioned a future with because of these kinds of differences, but you really do need to get your philosophies more aligned about parenting if it's gonna work.

Talk to her.

And I agree with another post saying that the electronics should be taken away at a certain point, or more significantly only given for his use for a limited time daily. I think that you were right about the flip phone idea, OP. And I wish I'd kept video games out of my kids' hands when they were growing up. When I was a kid, my parents wouldn't let me have video games and I was so unhappy about that, it seemed like everybody was getting a Nintendo or a Sega or something and there I was, with nothing. But I became a voracious reader. And that has served me very well. Much better, I think, than video games would have. For all that some defend video games or try to posit that they teach you some kind of useful skills, I've known a lot of people who developed into very successful adults without them and I know some very UNsuccessful adults who are addicted to them.

The issue with the "girl on Roblox" is that neither you nor he knows if it's even a girl, let alone the age of this person. One of my sons got scammed once, he thought he was chatting with a pretty girl his own age, and she coaxed him onto some video chat platform and caught him in a um...compromising...act. He was like 15 or 16 then. Anyways, it was a scammer and they recorded him and told him that unless he sent them money, they'd send the video to all of his friends and family, and they had access to them through Facebook. Fortunately we have a good relationship and even though this is embarrassing, he brought it to me and I helped him sort the situation. Called police and reported it, blocked the scammer, had him send a message to the people he was worried about (like his grandma) telling them if they receive a message that seems to have a video of him, do not click on it, do not open it, do not play it...it's a scam and they will be hacked if they do. Problem solved.

But young people are vulnerable, and do unwise things. You can't assume that they know better, even smart kids. Scammers are getting pretty slick these days, y'know? Nevermind the sheer perversity (too much even for me and that is really saying something) of some of the content on the internet.

At that age, I would not be comfortable with them having a smart phone and I also would not let them use a computer in private behind a closed door. My kids' first computers were out in the living room, where anything they did, someone could walk by and see at any time. I didn't necessarily want to spy on them constantly, it's just there's some stuff I did not want them seeing and doing at young ages if we could help it.
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Old 01-28-2023, 08:07 AM
 
11 posts, read 6,835 times
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Thanks for the advice everyone.

The main things I would love to focus on are:

1. His phone addiction. If you didn't know any better you would think it was just another one of his appendages. It's dangerous and there is absolutely no need for it. I would take away the smartphone and he would be given the most basic phone on the market where he could only make calls. No texting.
Even at night she allows him to have a phone in bed. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night for a snack and I can hear him playing on his phone between 12-2am.
I told her about the roblox girl. I've noticed the past few days she has made him stay downstairs all night with it but what good is that if you're going to continue letting him have it in bed? Even if she actually is a 12 year old girl(could be a 45 year old man for all she knows), from my experience girls mature faster and with a name like "darkness", yeah that would be a hard no.

2. Responsibility and accountability. When I was growing up at his age my mom gave me small chores every day. Pick up my room, unload the dishwasher, gave me my laundry to fold and put away, take out garbage etc. You didn't get to do anything else until those chores were complete. Every year I was given more responsibilities. I think he should be given a chore chart and shouldn't be allowed to play games until both his homework and chores are complete. Those chores plus my parents making me get a job at 15 was a couple of the best things they could have done for me. I haven't been without a job since.

3. Respect and listening. There are so many times she has to tell him multiple times to do something even using please. Including me. He should be told nicely once and if it takes a second or third time, no games for the rest of the day and night. If there are no consequences to your actions, there is no learning. He is capable of learning regardless of his ADHD, stop treating him like he's mentally handicapped. He's not.

4. Going outside to play with friends. He use to do this every once in a while but there have been multiple times I have caught him bullying other players on games. I don't tolerate bullying AT ALL and I think the reason his friends don't come knocking on the door to get him to come outside anymore is because he is probably bullying them. I see them outside playing yet they never knock on the door anymore. Another thing I have mentioned to her before.

I think I'm going to write up how I want to bring all this up to her. I just really feel like she is going to again, bring up the fact I'm not a parent and if that happens again, I know I probably should just move on. She is a good mother and the boy has never been without. The time is now to stop treating him like a baby.
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