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Anyone have any advice on how to stop or at least tune down my constant worry over our child? She's in college, smart, getting good grades, has nice friends etc, but when she tells me she is going out to clubs etc or out of town to see friends, my thoughts race and I just think the worst will happen to her. She is not aware I am this worried, but it is not getting better and I am trying positive thoughts, meditation and praying, seems to help, but anyone have any aditional advice for me? Thanks!
It sounds like you may be catastrophizing. Going out of town to visit friends; what's worrisome about that? You said she has nice friends, so if you stop and consider it, is this a rational fear? Can you trust her judgment, or are you scaring yourself due to all manner of stories in the news, past and present? Can you talk yourself down from these fears, by reminding yourself, that she has good friends, she has a sensible head on her shoulders and has never done anything to give you cause for concerns, etc.?
What could possibly happen at a club? She's 19; isn't that under drinking age? How is she even allowed into these clubs? Does she even have any interest in alcohol that you know of? Maybe she's going simply to socialize and enjoy the music. You'd be surprised how many kids in college aren't interested in alcohol. Is this another irrational fear spurred by the media in one way or another?
Might these fears be arising because she's not away from your watchful eye, even though at her age, she no longer needs a watchful eye over her? Could this possibly be due to a subconscious need to have control over her? Maybe you're going through an adjustment process relating to her becoming an independent adult...?
[quote=Ruth4Truth;63343489]It sounds like you may be catastrophizing. Going out of town to visit friends; what's worrisome about that? You said she has nice friends, so if you stop and consider it, is this a rational fear? Can you trust her judgment, or are you scaring yourself due to all manner of stories in the news, past and present? Can you talk yourself down from these fears, by reminding yourself, that she has good friends, she has a sensible head on her shoulders and has never done anything to give you cause for concerns, etc.?
What could possibly happen at a club? She's 19; isn't that under drinking age? How is she even allowed into these clubs? Does she even have any interest in alcohol that you know of? Maybe she's going simply to socialize and enjoy the music. You'd be surprised how many kids in college aren't interested in alcohol. Is this another irrational fear spurred by the media in one way or another?
Might these fears be arising because she's not away from your watchful eye, even though at her age, she no longer needs a watchful eye over her? Could this possibly be due to a subconscious need to have control over her? Maybe you're going through an adjustment process relating to her becoming an independent adult...?[
Thank you for replying! I think most of my worry stems from hearing about terrible accidents in the news, how they are just sitting there at a standstill in traffic or whatever and a semi rams the back of them because they are on their phone etc etc. really scares me! So when shes driving to Tallahassee etc, I gets so nervous for her.
I think the talkyourself down is great advice for sure, as she does have nice friends according to her(we have not really met her friends in college as yet). We did raise her to be sensible so that is a great point!
The clubs she goes to are 18 and over, though she has told me that she is still able to get drinks etc, though she is not a huge drinker as she is a powerlifter as well, but still, if she leaves her drink, guys can spike it at any given time. I tell her to keep her drink with her, but she is only 19 so.....
It probably is a control thing as she just moved out in August and though we have always been fairly "cool" parents ans not helicopter parents, we still worry about her well being. I agree, it is probably an adjustment process that is taking a while, good points you have for sure! Thank you for your advice, I will heed it for sure!
She does need to make sure, to keep her drink with her, or have her friends watch it (like hawks) at all times. Good suggestion. Important suggestion.
Anyone can get into a freak car accident at any time, including you. To be alive is to be at risk of dying. It doesn't sound like she's taking undue risk. I assume she goes clubbing with a group of friends. That's important, too, in case something should go wrong, the friend group can look after her and get her out of there, if necessary.
It sounds like you've done a good job of keeping the lines of communication open. She trusts you enough to tell you what she's up to. This is good. Keep up the good work.
P.S. Clubs are nothing. At least she doesn't go to fraternity parties, right? o.0
I won't tell you to stop worrying. Its primed in our nature to be of concern on our kins well being and safety.
I will tell you that you are blessed to have todays techology to "ease" some of that concern.
When my son was in college I didn't worry that he couldn't handle himself . I worried that the peers from his college were bad influences. It didn't take long- Two months actually for him to apply at another "more" academic and "Less " Bad Boys. Think of the Animal House Movie and that is what my son luckily escaped.
Back then he didn't have a cell phone . I'd get a phone call or an email from him to share his status in courses or social events.
How did I stop worrying? I didn't. Most of my work or social life had to balance that out. Feedback from friends, or a listening ear from time to time put things in perspective. It took some "mental" walk thrus to idle the worry. At least it wasn't perpetuating or crippling my days......... So accept that your going to have peaks and lulls in your concerns ....
When you call or text her though, keep it positive . My son would later confide that he didn't share some of the real matters he went thru because of the fact he knew I worried. I told him that had I known that he was shielding that , that perhaps it was my duty to lower that worrisome attitude. . Young adults shouldn't have to shield their parents though......
She does need to make sure, to keep her drink with her, or have her friends watch it (like hawks) at all times. Good suggestion. Important suggestion.
Anyone can get into a freak car accident at any time, including you. To be alive is to be at risk of dying. It doesn't sound like she's taking undue risk. I assume she goes clubbing with a group of friends. That's important, too, in case something should go wrong, the friend group can look after her and get her out of there, if necessary.
It sounds like you've done a good job of keeping the lines of communication open. She trusts you enough to tell you what she's up to. This is good. Keep up the good work.
P.S. Clubs are nothing. At least she doesn't go to fraternity parties, right? o.0
Thank you, we are very close and she has always been able to talk with both my husband and i anytime.
She does go with at least two friends and does on occasion go to frat parties as well, but she knows most of the guys and girls that seem to go to frat parties and they are pretty "tame" frat parties as she shows me videos sometimes of how much fun she had ,LOL, thank you for helping me, you have helped me more than you know!
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
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When ours was that age and in college in San Diego, about 500 miles away we worried too, it's just natural. We found out nearly a year later that she and her friends had been crossing the border into Mexico to drink (legal age 18). Still, nothing happened, and it turned out that the father of her roommate had been driving them, and picking them up. Sometimes you just have to trust that you did a good job raising them to be responsible.
I'm the same way. I worry all the time over my adult children. I'm beginning to suspect that this doesn't end...
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