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If you won't describe here what happened, are you going to be comfortable describing it to his parents?
Posting the details of her daughter's near-sexual assault on the public internet to a bunch of curious strangers is nothing like letting the parents of the offender know what their son's been up to.
Without knowing you, your daughter, the boy or what actually happened, it's tough to recommend to you how to proceed.
You love your daughter and believe her. The boy's parents love him and will believe him. And by your daughter's own admission he did stop.
I don't know, this is delicate ground. You're understandably upset but that's maybe not the approach to take with his parents.
How are you thinking you'd phrase the incident to them? The given assumption of guilt on his part? "The little scumbag almost sexually assaulted my daughter" will probably get the reaction "almost?"
I understand a mother's concern for her daughter but...but...this incident could make her life more miserable if it goes public and the boy feels the need to defend himself to their friends.
Remember what high school was like?
I'm sorry your daughter had this experience with someone she trusted.
Without knowing you, your daughter, the boy or what actually happened, it's tough to recommend to you how to proceed.
You love your daughter and believe her. The boy's parents love him and will believe him. And by your daughter's own admission he did stop.
I don't know, this is delicate ground. You're understandably upset but that's maybe not the approach to take with his parents.
How are you thinking you'd phrase the incident to them? The given assumption of guilt on his part? "The little scumbag almost sexually assaulted my daughter" will probably get the reaction "almost?"
I understand a mother's concern for her daughter but...but...this incident could make her life more miserable if it goes public and the boy feels the need to defend himself to their friends.
Remember what high school was like?
I'm sorry your daughter had this experience with someone she trusted.
These are mostly valid points except of course I wouldn’t say it like that.
Should I say nothing to make my life easier with the result that a different innocent young girl will find herself in this same situation 6 months or a year from now?
His parents may not believe me. But if I know he is a threat and I say nothing and do nothing, isn’t that on me?
This is a public forum and people can be doxxed. Nobody needs to know the specifics. Do you really need to know the details about what happened to a 16 year old girl?
I will say he lied to us and lied to her about where they were going to go and what they were going to do. And after she successfully fended off his advances, he told her that he never liked her but that she’s a good friend. What a jerk. She is also inexperienced and this is messing with her self-esteem.
His parents are not necessarily responsible but it might be good for them to intervene in his behavior before some girl accuses him of rape. The world is a different place for young men now, and if he doesn’t know this, his parents better make sure that he does.
ALSO
I’d bet she is not the first girl that he has tried this with. But hopefully she can be the last.
He's legally an adult. The parents can't control what he does. If he lives there, they should be notified, but legally, they're not going to be responsible.
He's legally an adult. The parents can't control what he does. If he lives there, they should be notified, but legally, they're not going to be responsible.
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I also don't quite know how to respond, with so little information.
Good that your daughter came to you with this information, and also good that she was able to stop him by requesting that he stop, since it's likely she could not actually physically stop him. So, he did relent when she told him to.
You said this isn't a police matter.
I wonder. Is there any woman here, who hasn't had to make it VERY CLEAR the male needs to stop his sexual advance? And when they do stop, well, job done. Perfect.
At this point, I think you should tell your daughter, GOOD JOB, you stuck up for yourself and were successful! Carry on, you're a very capable young woman.
These are mostly valid points except of course I wouldn’t say it like that.
Should I say nothing to make my life easier with the result that a different innocent young girl will find herself in this same situation 6 months or a year from now?
His parents may not believe me. But if I know he is a threat and I say nothing and do nothing, isn’t that on me?
No, this is your daughter's life, not yours. You sound like a good mother and close to your daughter but she's on the cusp of becoming an adult. What are her thoughts on what to do? She might be an innocent young woman but she's intelligent and will know her social dynamics better than you do. Perhaps you should let her take the lead on this.
Quote:
with the result that a different innocent young girl will find herself in this same situation 6 months or a year from now
As long as you can truly say this is your motivation and not avenging your daughter, then maybe. But look into your motives honestly.
I know you and your daughter will do what's right in a difficult situation.
I wonder. Is there any woman here, who hasn't had to make it VERY CLEAR the male needs to stop his sexual advance? And when they do stop, well, job done. Perfect.
I am not being argumentative in this reply.
But…
How many times is it acceptable to have to tell him to stop? If by the end, she is scared and crying, is it still OK because he stopped?
Does it matter that her trust is now destroyed, even though he stopped? That she feels used, cheap, worthless, because he finally stopped….but then he told her he never actually liked her. Because he stopped, is it just fine that it went from her first kiss to begging him to stop? Does it matter that for the rest of her life, her memory of her first kiss is forever ruined because of what came next…even though he stopped?
There is a lot of damage that can happen in the moments before he stops.
I have to question my own parenting because she did not call me to come pick her up when she was at a place where she didn’t feel comfortable. I question my judgment because he seemed like a very well mannered nice young man. He was over at our house a lot. The whole thing seems like a lie.
This is a public forum and people can be doxxed. Nobody needs to know the specifics. Do you really need to know the details about what happened to a 16 year old girl?
I will say he lied to us and lied to her about where they were going to go and what they were going to do. And after she successfully fended off his advances, he told her that he never liked her but that she’s a good friend. What a jerk. She is also inexperienced and this is messing with her self-esteem.
His parents are not necessarily responsible but it might be good for them to intervene in his behavior before some girl accuses him of rape. The world is a different place for young men now, and if he doesn’t know this, his parents better make sure that he does.
ALSO
I’d bet she is not the first girl that he has tried this with. But hopefully she can be the last.
Okay, but often things are not one sided. If it is, call the police, but consider that it is not and these are really both good young kids exploring sexuality and need respectful lessons from their parents.
To another person this story may have been, me and her often lied to her parents and said we were going one place and went to another because they might not approve. When she was comfortable with what we were doing she had no problem with it. Every time we engaged in touching and petting before she was into it, never said she did not like it, and never gave any indication to me that it was not fun for her as a consenting partner. This time, when she made it clear she was not consenting to the contact, I stopped immediately. I admit I acted poorly after being rejected by a girl I thought was sexually attracted to me, so I said I never liked her, but that was a defense mechanism. I clearly like her and just did not know what to do when I was so hurt.
In her mind it may well have been, I do not want to lie to my parents but I feel obligated to. I do not want to ever kiss or touch, but I feel obligated to. I wish he would stop moving things further, but I am afraid to say anything. Why doesn't he get the non-verbal hints. Okay, I'm going to hit him and yell at him, he stopped finally. Why is he saying he doesn't like me now. What a jerk.
They are both young. In every story there are two sides. I just role played what could very well be one of them. I suspect he is also inexperienced and this is messing with his self-esteem. When you talk to his parents, I suspect that this will be a part of what they have to deal with.
It comes down to one thing, did he touch her after she told him verbally to stop. If he did , call the police as it is a crime and a police matter. If he did not, then it is not a police matter and was likely bad choices by TWO young people.
If he were my son and you told me this I would not go an accuse him of attacking a person, but I would respectfully listen to his side, let him understand why the girl may have felt differently. I would tell him why its important to talk to a girl if you choose to enter into any sexual contact of any kind and make sure you are all on board with it. Ask her if its okay if you touch her and if she wants to touch you. Talk about it.
If she were my daughter I would have told her that it is important to feel safe in every situation. To make sure that the person you are with understand exactly what you want to do. If you are not old enough to talk about touching, kissing, touching sex organs or other body parts, oral, sex ... then you are not old enough to do it. Make sure that you tell the other person exactly what you are okay with. That it is okay to talk about kissing and touching, but not further. Communication between partners is key.
Communications with kids and parents are also key. I think in most of these situations there is a lot of misunderstanding. While it certainly may be a criminal act, and if it was, you HAVE to report it. But if its not, then there is a lot of understanding they each need to learn. Best to you and your family and best to him and his family.
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