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I have two young adult sons who live in a different state (for now, I will eventually be moving back there next year.) The older one (24) doesn't ask for much, but I've helped him with rent in recent months, and he's been job hunting but after getting fired from a couple of places, he's not getting any good results. His girlfriend has been doing most of supporting him for years. He doesn't know how to drive (has resisted learning) but his girlfriend has a car. Recently telling me that girlfriend has developed quite a drinking habit
The younger one (22) is the bigger problem. He went off to Job Corps for a while and got his driver's license and got trained in carpentry but has not been able to find work since his return to Colorado Springs. For a while he was living with his girlfriend in her car, but then the transmission went out on it, and since then they have bounced back and forth between her family's home and my ex husband's camper...and neither situation is optimal at all. In fact, her family just flat out does not want them there, and my ex is willing to offer very conditional access to the camper for my son only but not his girlfriend, and at this point, they are attached at the hip and refusing to be parted for any time at all.
The girlfriend also drinks a lot. The kids were at her family's home over the holidays along with several other visiting relatives, and all I heard from my son was about how she was constantly starting fights and drama, and humiliating him in front of her family (he likes her family, when she is not making them angry)... But what's really concerning is that I found out that she is not on birth control, and now she is refusing to take a pregnancy test. Her mother has said, "maybe she needs to have a baby to grow her up." As a homeless alcoholic?? It is a huge mess. My son has been out applying for jobs and just got offered one, but getting to and from that job is going to be hard...heck just having shelter from one day to the next is hard.
The homeless shelters in Colorado Springs are few and terrifying. I have read awful horror stories. They make it incredibly hard to work a job while you stay there (counterintuitively, they seem to prioritize participation in the faith based programs over getting independent)...and it's getting very cold at night.
Here's where I come in...I am the cash cow. I am not a person of limitless wealth, but I'm doing pretty OK financially. My son asks me for money and generally I give it to him. He says he needs food here, a bus pass there, but it's always something. Sometimes I know he has lied to me and used my money to buy weed or alcohol. He says a lot of the "right" things but then turns around and DOES the wrong ones. And it's gotten ridiculous. I have offered to pay for the car to get fixed mostly out of gratitude for girlfriend's family for housing him on and off for months...but that's between me and her parents. It is their car, not hers. And they have connections and are getting a good price on the repairs. But in terms of cash assistance I've given my son (and by extension his girlfriend)...it has run just over $2,000 this month. And the worst part for me is that it feels wasted because their situation is not better, it's arguably been getting worse.
I just cannot bring myself to cut him off. I am literally afraid that if I do, he will die. That he will not find a way to survive without help. I love my kid. I feel like I can't totally turn my back on him, I just can't do it.
So I have nearly resigned myself to the possibility that when I move back I may be having to get a home big enough to offer housing to one or both of my kids. I was even thinking maybe their girlfriends, too. Until this whole "what if she is pregnant, and she won't even be bothered to take a test and let me know" matter came up. My older son's girlfriend has successfully and with great determination prevented pregnancy all the years they've been together (and it has really been a while!) But I absolutely DO NOT want to be raising my grandkids in my home. I have a hard enough time dealing with being a parent to the young adults I've got and feel I did not do the greatest job with them, since clearly they can't even "adult." I just refuse to take on a grandbaby. Especially since the young woman apparently won't stop drinking and so...likely a special needs grandbaby at that.
/sigh
So here's what I'm wondering for right now... it would actually be cheaper if I just rented them an apartment and then said "I've got your rent, that's it, do not ask me for anything more." I could rent a place near the job my son just landed, and it would be in a spot with plenty of other opportunities if he were to lose that one. Eventually perhaps they grow up enough to take over paying their own rent. This would be half as costly as what I've been doing and feel like I'm actually making a difference rather than just enabling whatever bad choices they keep on making. They would have a warm home, anything else...up to them.
I have had some say that I need to show up for my kids to every extent I am able...as who they are today is who I raised them to be, they did not even ask to be born, etc.
I have had some say that I'm just enabling and I need to cut them off entirely and they will just have to figure it out if they don't have any other choice.
I am inclined to seek a middle way...but is it still too much? I don't know. Thoughts?
Tough situation, but realistically you are supporting a not so great lifestyle for both sons. The one son doesn't have to worry about keeping a job, because you will bail him out. The other one and his girlfriend sound like a mess. If you want a middle ground, give them $X amount to fix the car and $X amount over that and say they are cut-off after this. If you choose to do something beneficial with this money great. If you choose to waste it then that's on you and you'll have to deal. In the end, you have to watch out for yourself as well. Just tell him you are tapped out and can't afford this anymore so he doesn't think he can go back to you for more. If he does just tell him no. He'll figure it out real quick. If you keep giving them money they will not change their situations.
A jobcorps trained carpenter who cannot find a job? He might need some assistance in that department. Why is the older one loosing his jobs?
Both need a sitdown about their ladies.
Can you get a two bedroom and put them together?
A jobcorps trained carpenter who cannot find a job? He might need some assistance in that department. Why is the older one loosing his jobs?
Both need a sitdown about their ladies.
Can you get a two bedroom and put them together?
I have thought about that, but the older one has a cheap housing situation that is pretty good at the moment, and he's in the middle of a lease there. He rarely asks for anything from me...so helping him with rent for a couple of months has not been a huge hardship. He rents a room in a shared apartment that is "student housing" (but not actually a college dorm and not terribly strict on whether the kids are enrolled.)
I feel like eventually what I would most like to have, is when I move back perhaps I buy a house that has an ADU (accessory dwelling unit, like a mother-in-law suite) so that if either or both the boys need a home, I've got 'em covered and if not, maybe I can rent it out.
Just trying to figure out if I should concern myself with housing for the younger one in the meantime...
Yeah he bailed on Job Corps before he did the work based learning portion, so he got through the trade education but did not do the "on the job" stuff, and so he has no references to provide and employers are not having it. He does seem to have a hit on a Walmart application though, so we'll see if that pans out.
Yes, quitting Job Corps is a red flag, Let's hope for WM.
You are talking about "the boys" but currently the boys come in somewhat not very positive packages. A 22 year old unemployed does not need a child with an alcoholic mother. Can you have a sit down?
You cannot cancel a rental today because your kid needs to move in tomorrow. Buy a winterized travel trailer and pay the lot fee? A lot of oil and medical travellers go that route. Will have you not as much on the hook as signing a lease for them.
I can't follow how many gf's have a drinking problem. Just one, or both?
I think your moving back and having them live with you, even just the boys, would be too much stress, and there would be a high likelihood of them never getting independent. How much would this job pay, that the one got offered? Minimum wage-ish, or is it a "real" adult job? How much schooling do each of them have?
I have thought about that, but the older one has a cheap housing situation that is pretty good at the moment, and he's in the middle of a lease there. He rarely asks for anything from me...so helping him with rent for a couple of months has not been a huge hardship. He rents a room in a shared apartment that is "student housing" (but not actually a college dorm and not terribly strict on whether the kids are enrolled.)
I feel like eventually what I would most like to have, is when I move back perhaps I buy a house that has an ADU (accessory dwelling unit, like a mother-in-law suite) so that if either or both the boys need a home, I've got 'em covered and if not, maybe I can rent it out.
Just trying to figure out if I should concern myself with housing for the younger one in the meantime...
Yeah he bailed on Job Corps before he did the work based learning portion, so he got through the trade education but did not do the "on the job" stuff, and so he has no references to provide and employers are not having it. He does seem to have a hit on a Walmart application though, so we'll see if that pans out.
Construction is always hiring labor. He might have to start off in a laborer position to get his foot in the door and then once he has proven himself a bit maybe he can move up into a more skilled position.
This "I can't find a job" sounds almost like "I can't find a job that will pay me well enough". He is learning the hard way that he needs to get the references now that he should have gotten with the "on the job stuff" through Job Corps. He's young and is still developing his professional savvy. Opportunities aren't just going to fall into his lap. One thing that he and his girlfriend might consider is getting jobs on a cruise ship. That way they can do some travelling and have the structure that they seem to need.
The older son sounds like he may be sort of coasting and doing the minimal amount to get by. I don't think that is super unusual at his age. At least he has a cheap housing situation that is working for him. When he wants more, he'll figure out how to earn more. But he has to want it for himself.
FWIW, I've got kids close in age to your sons and they will always have a room in our house if they need it. Even when we downsize and move to an over 55 community they will be welcome to stay with us.
The brothers are close enough in age that they can pool resources and rent an apartment together. They are lucky to even have that as an option. The girlfriends sound like psychos, I doubt the relationships will last. I bet a year from now they'll both be gone.
Stop paying their way. If they get hungry or cold enough, they'll figure out what needs to be done to fix that!
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