How Much Freedom(?) to give to an 18 y/o

[Madreof3]

I have a 20 yr.old son that still lives at home, goes to school and works. I don't make him pay rent or for food and yes there is a curfew. He also has to help around the house it's not asking to much. He is very good about calling me and telling me if he is going to be late and why.

Your daughter needs to realize that living out on her own with no rules might be fun but can she afford it, if not live at home and live by your rules period.

Good Luck.

[I love the Bears]

We all have different things that work in our families and that is why we are posting here - to see what others do. I am blessed to have 4 children that are doing well in school and are not on drugs or in jail (I know that could change at any time - no spitting in the wind here!)
My 17 year old (almost 18) will be a senior this year. We bought him a car last year after he turned 17 and told him he was responsible for gas, insurance and repairs (we made sure it was in tip top condition). The only "string" was that he had to maintain a's and b's on his report card. He got his report card 2 weeks later and he got a c and the car sat parked. His next report card was all a & b.
He is going to be going to college and we are paying for it as long as his grades don't slide. He'll have to work to pay for his car and cell phone and the extra's - but we'll be supporting him for the most part. We want to do this. But - we have made it clear - our house and our rules - you don't like it - there's the door and good luck - I'll buy you a set of dishes and a nice potted plant for your new place.
It works for us and for him - he's a great kid with a bright future but let's face it - he's still a child and that can equal moron sometimes! Heck - I'm almost 40 and that still equals moron more than I'd like to admit.
My son actually thanks us for being the "mean ones" because he's not getting into trouble like his friends are.
I am a firm believer that people (including your kids) only treat you the way you allow them to (big picture here - not the normal slamming door teenage crap!)
Good luck!

[drjones96]

I think you have to ask yourself a few questions.

1) How does my child deserve to be treated?
Have they paid their dues? Made good grades? Plans to go to a local college? Plans for success one day? Generally respectful to you and not a PITA? If they deserve respect the situation will be better served treating them as an equal and less as your subordinate. And as an equal they should feel obligated to help out with up-keep of the house and other chores. Trade off on doing dishes, laundry and housekeeping. Make them feel at home in your home. But because it is their home too they need to be involved in the running of the home....not just treat it as a bed and breakfast. Also they should know that coming home drunk with a random guy at 3am is not acceptable or respectful behavior for a responsible minor adult.

2) How would I feel if they didn't live here?
You realize at 18 they don't have to choose to live with you. They want to live at home....because it's home to them. Maybe they are nervous about going out into the real world. So...they see this as a safe way to move forward with their lives. Stay home, save on rent money and other general bills, make college a little more economical etc etc. But if you treat them like a second class citizen instead of an adult they will likely make the choice to leave. For their age it's just not worth it to have someone who's always on their case about something. If you want them to leave then make all the hard a$$ rules you want...even make them pay on the mortgage...LOL. They'll leave for sure!

[SanAntoQT]

I agree with those who say that if she is not attending school full-time, then she needs to kick in some rent. Unless you charge her some exorbitant fee, I'm sure it will be far less than she would pay, if she moved out on her own. Nowhere else will she get room and board for $150. Setting a GPA is a great idea. A 3.0, IMO, is reasonable. If she wants to be up 'til all hours of the night, she can utilize that time for studying.

As for curfew, when my kids turned 18, I gave them a 2:00 a.m. curfew. If they violated, they did get grounded. My house, my rules. As far as them being equals, not a chance! As long as they were living under MY roof, eating MY food and I was supporting them, they were not equal.

[I love the Bears]

I agree with the not an equal thing - I am a parent - not a room mate! My son was joking around - trying to see what I would say and asked what if he didn't go to college? I told him I couldn't force him to but that he had 3 months from the day he got his hs diploma and then he would have to move out. My job is not to be his friend - my job is to raise him to be a decent adult. If he feels that he has outgrown me - then he can move out. That's just how it is in our home. You have to let them make their own mistakes yes - but being the parent means setting limits.
Again - this is what works for us - everyone has their own way and own opinion - yes I think I'm right - that's why it's my opinion!

[dynimagelv]

We have a rule [raising 2 g'kids....teenagers] When you graduate from Highschool [WHEN not IF] You have 2 options ....... #1 College [you can live at home rent free] #2 Military. No other options apply.... and if you choose option #1....we still make the rules.

[NiciLi]

If you consider the time we live in, to date, her behavior can easily spiral downhill for the worst.(just speaking on reality with gen Y) They adopt very unattractive habits very quickly, despite our good intentions as well as parenting styles and their great start with good informed decisions. IMO, if one's communication(all forms) level with their children is filled with "IF", there's too much room for exploitation from the child. As a parent, with a son and daughter, both viewed upon as individuals...my style of parenting is more diplomatic, however I would refuse to negotiate any form of self-destructing behavior.(no matter what some legal jargon states of paper) We're to lead by example as well as help them bloom into productive individuals.(for the better of them and mistakes are allowed, however many humans view repeating the same illogical act over and over as mistakes when in reality, it's stupidity after the 2-3 attempt). IMO, an 18 year old has no clue still, they're just winging it, hence, many adults(30+) still have no clue and can't deploy a plan on obtaining one for that fact. A suggestion, stick to your guns and maybe develop a better co-op system for the two of you. As you know the reckless behavior for many today, has a way of biting them in the a** in areas of future more constructed and productive endeavors.(i.e. career, her own family--maybe...etc) Just my strong view and experience of once being a teen and working with them and now as a parent of a daughter(Millenial Generation) & son(New Silent Generation)

[lakerat]

Sounds like you are trying to give your daughter the benefit of the doubt but it also sounds like she might be taking advantage of the situation.

Your house=your rules.
If you have to write the rules down, fine. The key is to be fair but firm and, consistant.
If, after understanding the rules, she decides she can't follow those rules, maybe she needs to find another place to live. Afterall, she is an adult (legally). Sounds like you are being more than fair to her but she keeps pushing the envelope on you.

The ball is in her court. If she decides she can not follow your rules then she is deciding that she wants to go find another place to live.

Good luck.