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I admit that i am a worrier, or @ least a recovering worrier, but my parents are making my worrying ways resurface. My dad is 67 and my mom is 65. I am not exaggerating when i say this but it seems as if they have given up on living and are in competition w/each other when it comes to who will pass away first. Neither one of them takes care of themself. It hurts me to say that after my dad was hospitalized in May from an ulcer and poor liver function, he has started drinking again, after the Dr. told him that if he drinks again, he'll die (i know i was there). & my mom, who told me "she hopes she dies before he does" is not eating, taking a lot of different medication and sleeping most of the day is a shell of the woman she used to be. It's breaking my heart and i really don't know what to do anymore. It angers too me b/c i have friends who have already lost either 1 or both of their parents unexpectedly and i don't understand why my parents seem to be trying to speed up the process. I'm not sure if i seeking advice or whether i'm just venting. I guess i just need to know if anyone is or has been in the same kind of situation b/c i don't know how to deal with this. I try to tell them both that they need to take better care of themselves, but they just continue to do what they do. We live in different states, but to be honest, i don't think there would be much i could do if we lived on the same block. They are so set in their destructive ways.
It is so sad that they have both given up. I remember the moment when my sister and I 'became' the parents in the relationship. It was a horrible situation and we had to step in and make the decisions for them.
I would suggest trying to get your parents to go to therapy or even doing something as simple as exercising will make a world of difference. Try and get them involved with friends, going out, going for walks. THey need something to grab hold of to realize life is still worth living and can be wonderful!
Two years ago, my dad who is 66, was told that if he didn't quit smoking he would die in a year and if he did quit smoking he might only live 2 years. He quit smoking--for three weeks. Last summer, he almost died of a heart attack and was given a pace maker. He quit smoking right then and has not restarted. It took that event to drill it home that he really could die. I have no advice except to hang in there. They really won't listen to you. It is a decision your parents will have to make for themselves.
It is so sad that they have both given up. I remember the moment when my sister and I 'became' the parents in the relationship. It was a horrible situation and we had to step in and make the decisions for them.
I would suggest trying to get your parents to go to therapy or even doing something as simple as exercising will make a world of difference. Try and get them involved with friends, going out, going for walks. THey need something to grab hold of to realize life is still worth living and can be wonderful!
As far as therapy goes, my dad will ABSOLUTELY NOT DO IT! He doesn't believe in that. My mom on the other hand has done therapy and it didn't help her at all. I think the heart of the problem is their co-dependent relationship. Neither one of them will get better b/c their relationship is dependent on both of them "taking care of each other". My mom's an RN so she knows the importance of exercising and just keeping active, but she just doesn't do it.
I will continue to try as hard as i can to express to them to DO THINGS! Unfortunately, my mom has no desire to do anything and my dad's version of "doing things" is drinking. I have even spoken to both of them about being proud of the things they have accomplished as far as the children and grandchildren they have and their accomplishments in life. I have expressed that this is the time in their lives that they should be enjoying the most. They don't have to worry about us (kids) we all turned out fine, but i think a lot of the dysfunction is from dwelling on the past. I'm talking about things from over 30yrs ago that i can't do anything about b/c i was too young to know what was going on. Maybe i should tell them how much it hurts to see them as they are now, but i don't want to make them feel bad. Whenever either of them brings up something from the past, i listen and i try to help them through it, but it seems like there are certain things that just stay w/them. I'm not sure whether i should even talk about these things w/them.
I say talk to them. You will always ask yourself what if? My parents are the same just as stubborn. My mom is lonely and doesn't have any friends. Both my sis and I try to encourage her to exercise, get out and do things. She won't. She is set in her ways.....
I think our parents will never realize that sometimes the children do know best!
Come up with something you NEED them for. You have no idea how hard it is to not be needed after a lifetime of taking care of others. Kids think they are doing their parents by "not burdening" them. Your parents are still young. (I'm in their age group so you'd expect me to feel that way.) But, seriously, my dad lived to 92 and my mom to 96. Your folks could have 30 years of life ahead. But they need to be needed. They need a reason to get up in the morning.
I can't rep LML again so I'll just second the opinion that everyone needs to feel needed. Other cultures honor and respect age but our society has turned "old" into a horrible insult. It's much too easy for older Americans to feel useless.
My parents are 77 and 85. I value their wisdom and let them know that as often as possible.
Come up with something you NEED them for. You have no idea how hard it is to not be needed after a lifetime of taking care of others. Kids think they are doing their parents by "not burdening" them. Your parents are still young. (I'm in their age group so you'd expect me to feel that way.) But, seriously, my dad lived to 92 and my mom to 96. Your folks could have 30 years of life ahead. But they need to be needed. They need a reason to get up in the morning.
That's a really good idea. It may not change their behavior, but it's a good place to start.
You have to keep reminding yourself that they are adults and as adults, they get to choose their paths and live with the consequences. It's not easy to watch people self-destruct, but sometimes there's nothing else you can do. Believe me, I've been there.
Talk to them on the phone often and tell them you love them. Then resolve to take care of yourself and your own family the best you can.
My parents are in their early 70s and the thing that puts light in their lives is the volunteer work they do. My mom works with an organization helping low income families find food, clothing, home repairs and emergency cash. My dad delivers leftovers from fast-food restaurants to food banks.
You know them--have they ever had a passion or a cause? Animals, children, the poor, local history, books, people who are disabled, the arts?
I wonder if you can give them a nudge in that direction by seeking out some local opportunities for them...
Come up with something you NEED them for. You have no idea how hard it is to not be needed after a lifetime of taking care of others. Kids think they are doing their parents by "not burdening" them. Your parents are still young. (I'm in their age group so you'd expect me to feel that way.) But, seriously, my dad lived to 92 and my mom to 96. Your folks could have 30 years of life ahead. But they need to be needed. They need a reason to get up in the morning.
I really appreciate this advice b/c it's spot on! I don't know why I didn't think of this and I am absolutely one of those kids that worries about "not burdening" my parents, i think all four of us kids are this way.
zentropa,
i appreciate you advice as well. I really think part of the problem is that they don't seek out things to do. I wish I was down there to help them, but I will try to work w/my brother (who lives there) to see if he can help locate some places where they can engage w/other people in activities. My dad likes to travel, from time to time he'll take a drive somewhere. He just wishes he had someone to travel w/him. Since the 2 of them don't get along (usually), my mom will not travel w/him most times.
I know that I have to keep trying w/them, I just hope that they'll let something I say sink in.
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