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Parents seeking advice on disciplining 5 year old and 21 month old boys, opinions from other parents in similar situation, which was easier to discipline
I'm wondering if anyone has been in my situation...
My oldest is now 5 y.o. He was an absolute angel until he was 4. No tantrums, talking back, biting, hitting, etc. No nothing. We had rules and boundries and such, but when you child is so good, well they don't really test them and you tend to make more exceptions (mainly because they aren't the ones demanding the exceptions). Now he is 5, and way too smart and can reason like the ditkins! He talks back (thank goodness not too often), doesn't listen, and basically challenges us on everything. It took us by surprise, so it took us awhile to get a good, firm grasp on the discipline, but I think we are making headway.
Now his younger brother (yes, I think this is some of the reason for the change) is 21 mo. and has already started throwing tantrums. Lately, he has been throwing food at us. I have already started disciplining him (ignoring his tantrums, taking his food away as soon as he starts throwing, etc).
Anyhow, I am amazed at the difference in children, but I am also starting to think that a "terrible two" toddler may be easier to deal with in the long run because they know the cause and effect of acting up/discipline earlier.
Has anyone been in this same situation? Do you think the younger trouble maker was easier to discipline over the long term than the older one?
There is really no way to discipline (i.e., punish) a two year old in a meaningful way. Now, doing things that will reinforce your expectations or displeasure - that can register in a 2 year old's brain. So seems you are really talking about managing things rather than doling out discipline or punishment.
Your five year old is learning skills he will need to negotiate his way in social situations. Responding very little will get you a lot further w/ him so the negative behaviors will not be reinforced by your reacting to them.
Your older son might be pushing his place in the family dynamics now that the younger child is acting out in more physical ways.
Children at 2 can learn NO . . . and repeating such things as "this is not acceptable behavior" to BOTH children will help them sort out what you will and won't allow. Say very little, don't raise your voice . . . What you relay about reacting to your toddler's episodes w/ throwing food, for ex., is right on target! Just take the food away, quietly say "this is unacceptable behavior; we do not play with food" - and walk off or turn away. This shows BOTH children that you are not going to get engaged in a battle w/ them. Where so many parents go wrong is they make every episode into a major battle, wh/ only reinforces that the kids can push buttons w/ mom and dad and take over (and completely dominate) the family dynamics just by acting out.
Sounds like you are doing very well to me. Just don't confuse discipline w/ reinforcement. Punishment has very little meaning to a toddler - and only frustrates both the parent and the child. Positive reinforcement - and showing a child what you mean by your actions - is very effective.
Thanks...we are pulling through. Its definitely no fun going through two "push the buttons" times at once! I was just wondering if anyone else had a perfect angel that decided one day to see what he could get away with!
Thanks...we are pulling through. Its definitely no fun going through two "push the buttons" times at once! I was just wondering if anyone else had a perfect angel that decided one day to see what he could get away with!
My perfect Angel (who is now 24!!!) never had a tantrum, was always compliant, easy to deal with, sweet natured, til one day, at the mall, out of the clear blue he pitched the fit from hell - screaming, yelling, kicking, etc. Never happened b/f and never happened after that. Have no clue what that was all about except we were leaving the mall and I guess he wanted to stay. He was about 2 years old at that time.
They do grow out of this stuff, LOL. As I said - my sweet fellah is in college and has never caused us any worries as far as behavior. Sometimes, they are just gonna push the buttons . . . and best you don't over-react (not saying you are doing that - just advising what I was told - and it did seem to work, LOL).
My perfect angel became the child from hell after we adopted another child. She was 33 months old when child #2 came home. The hellacious period lasted about 6 months, then she went back, basically, to being her usual angelic self. Until about 6 months ago. She's now 5.5 and she thinks she is entitled to whatever she wants whenever she wants it. It has taken a lot of firmness on our parts to help her to see that her behavior is not pleasant and she won't make friends and influence people in a positive way with her righteous attitude. Firmness and consequences for poor behavior have worked with her. She is pretty sensitive to discipline (unlike child #2, now 4, who is not at all sensitive to a raised voice!!) so she understands when I am not happy with her. But she does try to get away with a lot.
I'm a preschool teacher of 4 and 5 year olds (pre-K age.) They are starting to assert their independence at that age, sometimes for the first time. I think some kids who have been angels in the past decide to test the waters and try things out that they havne't tried before. It's just shockign when that perfect little child does things that are just so unlike them.
People tell me both of my kids are angels outside of the house when they're not around me. And those same people tell me that that's a sign of a well-brought up child. They know when to behave and when they can act up a little. That gives me a little solace .
I am in your exact position...My 4.5 year old has turned into...well...I am not real sure. But she was such an easy baby/toddler. Advanced in everything , very healthy, very active...no tantrums ever. Easy easy easy...until she turned 4. We do take time every week just to take her out (not with sister) to spend some one on one time with her. That really helped. It almost seemed like she was unsure of her place in our family... I have also started a coin jar. I will put wooden chips in it if she has good behavior. Once she gets 10 she gets something special...that has helped quite a bit also...
But I must say,,,I was so scared of the terrible 2's and they never came...and then I was a little nervous about the 3's...that was easy too...I thought I was in the all clear and low and behold she turned 4....
I am in your exact position...My 4.5 year old has turned into...well...I am not real sure. But she was such an easy baby/toddler. Advanced in everything , very healthy, very active...no tantrums ever. Easy easy easy...until she turned 4. We do take time every week just to take her out (not with sister) to spend some one on one time with her. That really helped. It almost seemed like she was unsure of her place in our family... I have also started a coin jar. I will put wooden chips in it if she has good behavior. Once she gets 10 she gets something special...that has helped quite a bit also...
But I must say,,,I was so scared of the terrible 2's and they never came...and then I was a little nervous about the 3's...that was easy too...I thought I was in the all clear and low and behold she turned 4....
EXACTLY!!! I was bracing myself for the "terribles" as well.
We try to have "daddy days" and "mommy days" with him, and it does help a lot, but we don't do it enough. Perhaps I need to make more of an effort to. I'm hoping that school will help too. I have tried to keep a schedule, but I'm not naturally a schedule-type person, so the regular schedule of school might help him. Plus, its a built-in break for me, so hopefully I will have more energy and patience for him when hes home.
I highly recommend the book "1-2-3 Magic" by Thomas W. Phelam, PH.D!! It is the best book (in my opinion) regarding childhood discipline. Basically, in a nutshell, you are counting to the number three. If they are still not behaving by the time you get to three, there are consequences. For example, no tv, no video games, no going to the park, etc. The most important thing with this method is follow through.
I have used this method with my kids since both were two. Now my son is almost 10, and my daughter is almost 4. This is the only thing my kids repond to well (that has worked). There is no screaming, yelling or talking back. I would say they 9 times out of 10, I never make it to "three." It works like a charm!
I think all kids at some points just like to test you to see exactly what they can and can not get away with. As long as you stay firm with whatever punishment you choose, they should straighten out eventually. My son is 6 years old and he's starting to test me now too.
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