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Originally Posted by puffle
Anyone out there that has a husband that has verbal fights with their teenage son and visa versa? My son is no saint but he is still a child and way too often my husband acts like one too. It's like trying to break up a fight between siblings with me in the middle trying to make sure my son doesn't push too many buttons with my husband. I am worn out trying to keep the peace. There are some calm moments but not as often as volitile. My son has legitimate reasons to resent my husband but it seems more like a power trip for my husband when he reacts to my son and says stupid and hurtful things. We are starting family therapy, again, this week because things have really escalated with destructive outbursts from my son that cannot continue. I don't know how to continue? I feel that my first impulse should be to protect my son at all costs because my husband is an "adult", bigger and should know better. Help  |
I have a son that is now 19 soon to be 20. When he had just turned 16 his father and I seperated and divorced. Prior to this there were many head butting incidents between the two of them. I never got involved but to play buffer after the fact and reassure my son that his dad did love him. My ex is in law enforcement and that absolutely does not help the situation because home was like an interrogation room and the uniform never ever came off. It was like the moment he became a cop, he forgot how to be a sympathetic human being and father. During our seperation even he admitted that rather than his job being a job, he had become his job.
Flash forward a bit, after the divorce I relocated and the tensions between he and my son increased. The divorce came as quite a surprise to both of our children and thus my son was struggling a bit. My ex was unable to understand the struggles our son was facing and dealt with our son in a very cold, detached and at times arrogant way. My son needed a father, what he often found was a dictator quick to point out everything he was doing wrong, but slow, if at all, to pat him on the back for something done right or to simply give an embrace and say "I love you".
The increased tension between the two of them really took it's toll on me for some time as I continued finding myself playing buffer between the two of them. It was as if constantly I was making myself responsible to ensure that my ex's relationship with is son was not permantly damaged. It would get very frustrating because I would feel like... shoot, I divorced the man and I'm still having to play buffer for him.
When my son was 17 an incident where very loud shouting (my ex doing the shouting) occured in an extremely public place. My ex practically pushed my son against a wall, got in his face, pointing his finger right between his eyes and threatening him. Mind you, this was over some precieved incident of sibling rivalry that occured between my son and my daughter, something my ex did not witness, yet even my daughter was telling her father that he was overreacting and that she caused the situation. My son however was getting all the blame and being accused of stuff he did not and would never do (i.e. hitting his sister when my son does not believe in hitting girls). This happened in front of strangers, my daughter, my ex's girlfriend and her daughter, and myself. I could see my son's face turning beet red while the tears streamed down his face and his fists were clenched at his side while he was shaking like a leaf with such hurt and anger inside him.
For a moment there I thought I was going to end up having to break up a physical fight between two men (I say men because while my son was only 17 his size was equal to that of my ex). It was a very tense moment for me. Finally my son managed to wiggle out from between the wall and my ex and shouted to his dad that he would not go for any further visits (this had occured during an exchange back from visitation).
I discussed this situation with my son and with his father. His father totally was acting like an *** and child. My son was being more mature and even, at my pushing, continued to go to visit for a couple months (every other weekend). However, while my son was trying, my ex would not. Things got worse and finally I had to put my foot down and tell my ex that I would not be forcing our son to go for visits any longer and if he wanted to know why he has such a poor relationship with his son he needed to take a good long hard look in the mirror for the answer.
My son is now 19 and about to be 20... up until about a month ago he was still trying very hard to gain his father's approval and love. Now he has simply taken an attitude of "when my father decides that he wants to be a dad to me, he knows where to find me". My ex will call our daughter almost daily, yet go months without calling or talking to our son. When called on it he says "well he doesn't call me" to which I respond "and who is the adult/parent here".
Bottom line is.. relationships between father's and son's are very difficult especially as they become teens. Often father's see a clear reflection of themselves and perhaps the things they wish they had changed about themselves and project their own dissatisfaction on their own lives upon their child. Also, father's are used to being the man in the house and as their little boys grow into their own and start becoming men themselves, some fathers feel threatened by their loss of "control" on their choices.
It is more difficult for you because you are an intact family meaning you live with this day in and day out in your home. However, I would strongly suggest that you go through with the counseling. I also suggest that some boundaries be established in the home as to what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior for both father and son. I.E. no shouting, no disrepsect, no volatile behavior from either party.
You may want to sit down and have a good long heart to heart with your husband on this. I'd suggest out of the house, maybe over a quiet dinner or something and that you express your worries and frustrations over the situation with him. Not in an accusatory manner. Perhaps approach it in the way of concern for the damage being done to their relationship as father and son. Explain that you can not continue to be faced with this situation at home. That someone has to be the adult here and he has to remember he is arguing with a 15 year old and in essence stooping to his level and thus losing his son's respect for him. Explain you are sure that is NOT what he is trying to do, but that is what the outcome is being because of how these situations are being handled. Suggest time out periods where he (the father) can say to the son, I am not discussing this with you right now, walks away and when he can deal with it in a calm collected fashion, as an adult, he can then touch on the subject again.
If you have been playing buffer, as I was, going back to your son after the incident and trying to reassure your son about his father's love or whatnot, I would also tell your husband that you are no longer going to be doing that because it is simply wearing on you. Explain that he will have to be totally responsible for his relationship with his son from this point forward, be it a good one or a bad one. But that you simply cannot continue to be put in the middle between the two of them. That you love them both, but you just can't keep it up.
I don't know if anything that I have said here has helped you at all, but do know this.... I totally understand what you are going through and feeling. I have been there, done that and it totally stinks.
I will be praying for your family and that peace may flood your home.
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