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I must say i agree with you guys, im in a similar predicament at the moment and i really dont know what to do about it, the sad this about it is i think she would leave me over it as she is soooo head strong. i havent wanted children for a long while and i have my reasons but she has one daughter from a previous relationship of whome looks at me as her daddy she is only 3 and i love her to bits and i wouldnt want to have another child ruin what we have. i have only ever wanted 1 child and i feel this is the perfect way for me. correction i have never wanted a child until this little girl came with my partner of whome i had known for years. if anyone has any thoughts on this i would love to hear from you. i will check back on here over the next few days. please no nasty messages i just would like some non judgemental opinion. Thanks all
I got remairied 3 years ago. At the time I had a nine and a seven year old who were living with their mother in Canada. My wife had a two-year old girl. Before we got married we discussed having more kids. We agreed that we would have one child together and that we would discuss the possibility of more. Now my wife is 30 and I am 38.
Just before we got married my ex was having some serious problems so she sent the kids down to live with us. They were with us for a year and a half. My kids were really needy at the time and I spent quite a bit of time with them and unintentially neglected my wife and her daughter somewhat. Since my kids have gone back to Canada, I feel that situation has been remidied. I have really bonded with her daughter and in my heart I truely feel that she is my own child (it helps that her bio father isn't in the picture at all). On the other hand, she does not see my kids as her own.
A year after we got married, we had a baby boy. The pregnancy was unnexpected but after the initial shock we were both very excited to welcome him into our family. Now, he is two and is the joy of our lives.
The problem is that now my wife STRONGLY feels that she needs to have another baby. I believe that what she is feeling is caused by hormones and other chemicals but whatever it is, it is very real. I believe that if God really wanted us to have another child, he would put at least some desire in both of us. Unfortunately, I feel zero desire to have another child. (other than to make my wife feel better) We went to a counselor and he suggested that we throw out all of the cons and only focus on the pros of having another baby, and that I put a significant effort into praying and meditating to determine what Gods will is. Well, I did that. I put away all of my reasons why I did not want a baby (admittedly I was not able to come up with many reasons why I would want a baby) and I spent many hours praying and meditating with and open mind and heart. In the end the answer was no.
This was crushing to my wife. She is having a really hard time with it. She cried for about 3 days straight and she still can't go to church because of all the baby sounds. She has not been able to accept that my answer came from God and she blames me for being selfish and not loving her enough to give her a baby. She has told me that she has not given up and she wants me to pray and meditate about it again in a few months. She has threatened to get pregnant without my help and asked what I would do if she did. I said that I didn't know.
For me, it is not a money issue. I am just ready to have my life back. There are alot of things that I enjoy doing that don't involve kids or are more difficult with more kids. I also want to be able to give alot of attention to the kids we have. I have been changing diapers for the better part of 12 years now and I am ready to be done with that stage of my life.
In the meantime, the pressure is wreaking havoc on our sex life and other aspects of our marriage. I believe that what she is feeling is real and I also know that what I am feeling is real. I just don't believe that it is right to have a baby that isn't really wanted by both parents.
I just wish that I could find a way to make her feel better and just enjoy the beautiful family that we already have.
If it is that important to you, do not have more babies. It is your body and you have the right to your reproductive decisions. It is up to you how you want to allow her to muscle her way on this one.
If I did not want to have any more children I would get a vasectomy to make sure she did not trick you later.
Now if she is that important in your life and you do not want to loose her at the expense of her getting her way with you, it is your decision. It is a matter of priorities in your life.
I must say i agree with you guys, im in a similar predicament at the moment and i really dont know what to do about it, the sad this about it is i think she would leave me over it as she is soooo head strong. i havent wanted children for a long while and i have my reasons but she has one daughter from a previous relationship of whome looks at me as her daddy she is only 3 and i love her to bits and i wouldnt want to have another child ruin what we have. i have only ever wanted 1 child and i feel this is the perfect way for me. correction i have never wanted a child until this little girl came with my partner of whome i had known for years. if anyone has any thoughts on this i would love to hear from you. i will check back on here over the next few days. please no nasty messages i just would like some non judgemental opinion. Thanks all
You'll probably have a better chance of getting responses if you start a new thread. Since this thread is a few years old, it's likely that few people will see your post towards the end of it.
I don't think you should give in and have more children than you want to have. You should try to find out why your wife is pushing for another child. It's VERY likely that she thinks she needs to have a biological child with you---to secure her position in the marriage. If that's the case, perhaps you can convince her that you don't need a biological child, you love the child you have as your own, and reassure her that you love her without having children with her.
I really wish people would talk about children before they marry. It's such a sad situation that you feel your wife will leave you if you refuse to have more children. That along tells me that it might be a good idea to seek marriage counseling. No spouse should threaten to leave a spouse over a disagreement like this.
Seriously consider getting a vasectomy (if you're SURE you never want children) or using condoms. Dont' rely on her to use birth control.
Children have the right to be born into a family where BOTH parents want them and are willing to make the sacrifices to have them. It would be different if you were 23 and wanted to have a few more years to "party", but you are a grown man and obviously have some feelings of your own.
Children add incredible stress to a relationship and there are so many stories of people having kids to keep their spouse and that usually ends up not only with a baby but a divorce as well.
Your wife obviously wants kids and it gets tricky because those feelings are "real" (and bravo to you for realizing it) but if you aren't on board, she shouldn't force the issue.
I think before you do anything as drastic as having a vasectomy, you really need to understand the reasons for your reluctance to have kids. You said yourself that you weren't excited about having a baby at first, but really love your child now. This could be the same thing with another baby.
And I do agree with other posters that say not to leave birth control up to your wife. I don't know your wife, but I am a woman and know that when we set our minds to something, we often think that we can get our husbands to change their minds...so if her feelings about having a baby are strong, it wouldn't be unheard of for her to "accidentally" get pregnant with the belief that since you came around for the first one, you'll come around for another. Don't underestimate the biological clock.
I think before you do anything as drastic as having a vasectomy, you really need to understand the reasons for your reluctance to have kids. You said yourself that you weren't excited about having a baby at first, but really love your child now. This could be the same thing with another baby.
Of course he'd still feel love for a baby if one was born. But love isn't really the main reason people don't want to have children or more children.
My husband is one of these men who never wanted children----ever. Yet, he fell in love with me and my children. He adopted them and has been an amazing father. He never wanted to have more children. When my girlfriend was dying, she asked if we would raise her son. My husband didn't hesitate---a child needed help. He also hasn't hestitated to let these two recent teenagers move into our house.
Bottom line: My husband is all for being there for children who are in need. He just doesn't have a desire to literally bring a child into the world on purpose.
Although he's a wonderful father, I think it had something to do with his childhood. (I never pushed him to share why he didn't want more children because I simply respected his decision.) If you met my inlaws (his brothers and sisters), you would perhaps understand that it might be possible that he doesn't want to genetically recreate anything like them. Out of 7 brothers and sisters, only one other has married, and that one is the only one that has had biological children. (The other 5 have never married.)
It seems to me that there must be family skeletons or SOME GOOD REASON they all chose to not have children. They grew up in utter poverty and they all seem to be mostly concerned with financial independence. I also think that they didn't want the financial responsibility of raising children. I think they feared that would mean bringing a child into a life of hardship like they endured. But maybe the family skeleton is something even worse than that.
That's just an example. I'm just trying to share that I can understand how a person can fall in love with a nonbiological child and still not want to purposely have children. Sometimes, it's just truly loving the parent of the child and accepting the child as part of the negatives that you overlook when loving someone. The fact the person falls in love with the child isn't a reason to have more children. It's just a darn good thing that the person fell in love with the child---since the child is going to be living in their home. The alternative (not falling in love with the child) would be aweful.
Of course he'd still feel love for a baby if one was born. But love isn't really the main reason people don't want to have children or more children.
My husband is one of these men who never wanted children----ever. Yet, he fell in love with me and my children. He adopted them and has been an amazing father. He never wanted to have more children. When my girlfriend was dying, she asked if we would raise her son. My husband didn't hesitate---a child needed help. He also hasn't hestitated to let these two recent teenagers move into our house.
Bottom line: My husband is all for being there for children who are in need. He just doesn't have a desire to literally bring a child into the world on purpose.
Although he's a wonderful father, I think it had something to do with his childhood. (I never pushed him to share why he didn't want more children because I simply respected his decision.) If you met my inlaws (his brothers and sisters), you would perhaps understand that it might be possible that he doesn't want to genetically recreate anything like them. Out of 7 brothers and sisters, only one other has married, and that one is the only one that has had biological children. (The other 5 have never married.)
It seems to me that there must be family skeletons or SOME GOOD REASON they all chose to not have children. They grew up in utter poverty and they all seem to be mostly concerned with financial independence. I also think that they didn't want the financial responsibility of raising children. I think they feared that would mean bringing a child into a life of hardship like they endured. But maybe the family skeleton is something even worse than that.
That's just an example. I'm just trying to share that I can understand how a person can fall in love with a nonbiological child and still not want to purposely have children. Sometimes, it's just truly loving the parent of the child and accepting the child as part of the negatives that you overlook when loving someone. The fact the person falls in love with the child isn't a reason to have more children. It's just a darn good thing that the person fell in love with the child---since the child is going to be living in their home. The alternative (not falling in love with the child) would be aweful.
I agree and my husband sounds like yours...really having to LEARN to be a parent since his were awful.
That's why I told the OP that only HE can figure out what his reason is for not wanting a child. He made some good points...decades changing diapers, wanting to be able to enjoy the freedom that comes as your kids get older, etc.
There are thousands of reasons not to have kids and even for the reasons that most of us would "scoff" at (wanting to still be able to party), it could be a good one for someone else.
There are children born to parents every day that don't want them and the consequences are devastating. There are some kids born to parents who aren't quite sure about this "parenting thing" but end up being great parents. Only the person in that situation can decide for themselves if their reason for not wanting a child will be good enough when the time comes that they CAN'T have a child if it was worth it.
This man is mature and clearly conflicted about it. The problem is that you've got his wife who may decide that this is a good reason to break apart their marriage. It's not good to pressure ANYONE into having a baby and it rarely works anyway, but the fact remains that the OPs wife may be so angry and upset that their marriage suffers and that's not a good thing either. It's why the OP really needs to figure out if it's worth it.
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