My wife wants more babies and I don't. (legal, child, married)
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This kind of brings the topic around to the fact that if both couples are ABSOLUTELY sure they do not want to either have kids at all or not have any more, then something permanently needs to be done so that it doesn't happen. Not rely on birth control.
We had decided not to have any more when our son was about 2 and I kept bugging my husband to go get something done about it. (Figured it was his turn!). He put it off and put it off. Then 5 years ago BOTH of my older sisters (both in their 40's at the time) had "oops" babies. We had all gotten together for a visit - one's child was 2 the other sister was pregnant. I think within a week of getting home from that reunion he was at the doctors office taking care of business. It was THE way to insure we wouldn't be in that boat!
Thankfully we've always been on the same page in this regard. It's very hard when couples are not. But in the long run, when someone adamantly does not want to have a child, it benefits no one to go ahead and do it. Someone always gets hurt.
This kind of brings the topic around to the fact that if both couples are ABSOLUTELY sure they do not want to either have kids at all or not have any more, then something permanently needs to be done so that it doesn't happen. Not rely on birth control.
We had decided not to have any more when our son was about 2 and I kept bugging my husband to go get something done about it. (Figured it was his turn!). He put it off and put it off. Then 5 years ago BOTH of my older sisters (both in their 40's at the time) had "oops" babies. We had all gotten together for a visit - one's child was 2 the other sister was pregnant. I think within a week of getting home from that reunion he was at the doctors office taking care of business. It was THE way to insure we wouldn't be in that boat!
Thankfully we've always been on the same page in this regard. It's very hard when couples are not. But in the long run, when someone adamantly does not want to have a child, it benefits no one to go ahead and do it. Someone always gets hurt.
It reminds me of a couple I knew once...they were older than me (their daughter babysat my son). They had talked about having only one. Well, right after the birth of their daughter, the husband went out and had the procedure done! She ended up wishing for another one, but because the situation was taken care of right away, before the yearn came on, it was more of a wish then a big controversy for them. That probably wouldn't be true for everyone, but if you agreed beforehand and then take care of it right away, it does seem like it would solve future problems!
We decided on two, but my husband didn't want me to have the surgery because he said it was less invasive for him to have it. Well, turns out he came upon some negative websites and it scared him from having it. But do you think he told me right away, when I could still decide to have the surgery right after the birth? NOooooo. So now our intimate life is suffering a little because I am terrified at getting pregnant again. I found out that we wouldn't have to pay much insurance-wise for it, but I'm in a new area and I'm having a hard time finding a good Gyn. (its not exactly a conversation starter...). Of course, now the husband is flip-flopping again, but I don't care, I'm going to do it--got to take matters into your own hands!
By the way, even though I'm terrified of having a third, I still went through a really big baby-want about a year ago, and even now I sometimes think about what it would be like. Craziness! But making babies is very primordal (sorry on the spelling)--we shouldn't just assume that our minds are always going to be stronger than the hormonal urge!
Well, turns out he came upon some negative websites and it scared him from having it. But do you think he told me right away, when I could still decide to have the surgery right after the birth? NOooooo. So now our intimate life is suffering a little because I am terrified at getting pregnant again. I found out that we wouldn't have to pay much insurance-wise for it, but I'm in a new area and I'm having a hard time finding a good Gyn. (its not exactly a conversation starter...). Of course, now the husband is flip-flopping again, but I don't care, I'm going to do it--got to take matters into your own hands!
Men who had a good experience (well, good all things considered for what it is) would never think to start a website. So all there is are the negative ones which is too bad. Really, it was no big deal for my hubby.
I mean really - I'm sure you've done this plenty - but remind him that for you to have it done is major surgery which has a lot more possibilities of complications. He will be SO HAPPY once it's done and over with and you both no longer have the worry of getting pregnant!
I am a woman who would like more kids and my husband doesn't think it's a good idea (mostly due to financial reasons and our age-we're both 38)...Even coming from this perspective, I think your wife is being COMPLETELY irrational and selfish. I can't believe she would imply she would get pregnant accidentally or that she would leave you!!! She is being manipulative and not taking your feelings into consideration at all. Do not have another child with her if you in your heart do not want another one. It is not fair to the child-both parents have to wholeheartedly want a baby. I think she has in her head that the last one was unplanned and you accepted him so it won't be a problem to have another one. Did you say you're 38 and she is 30? If so, then she does not understand that the energy levels decrease after 35. I think that despite my desire to have another baby, the one reason I'm not pushing it is because I know how EXHAUSTED we'd be. Diapers, night-time feedings, soothing a crying baby is TIRING!
As one friend put it when I said I feel sad we're probably done with the babies-she said, "you'll always feel that way-you're a mom"...so whether a woman has 15 babies or 2 babies, I think she will always miss the feeling of being pregnant, those first newborn coos, rocking and swaddling...that's why women can't wait to be grandmas!! But that doesn't mean popping out babies every year or so will necessary satisfy that feeling. She needs to accept your decision and re-focus on the family you already have-and maybe even getting closer to your other children.
I really hope she comes around! It's unfortunate that she doesn't recognize the efforts you've made to embrace this idea. Best of luck to you!
Perhaps your wife could volunteer at the church or in a hospital or shelter taking care of babies. I think it's hard on women when their baby is becoming his own person and separating from her. She might miss that feeling of being so deeply needed. I take care of babies in a childcare center all day, it's the best birth control in the world. I LOVE the babies, but I'm really thankful when I'm in my quiet home relaxing!
That's a great suggestion! When I realized that we're likely done with the babies I thought, well, that's ok I can just volunteer at the children's hospital when our kids are older. Whenever my friends or neighbors have a baby, I'm always offering to hold them so the mom can eat, relax, etc. And actually now it's kind of nice handing the baby back when the baby's fussy or has a poopy diaper!
In all 3 examples, one has to wonder why the men just didn't bother to get a vasectomy. All that trouble and heartbreak could have been avoided.
Men can be such wusses.
OP should get snipped.
The problem with having a vasectomy without informing the spouse is that it's a huge breach of marital trust and anyone willing to undertake these measures must live with their decision in secret for the rest of their lives. It will cause major damage to the marriage (if not outright divorce) if she ever finds out.
For the record, I'm neither for nor against secretive vasectomies (or tubal ligations, for that matter) because each circumstance is different and sometimes it could be warranted. But I strongly feel that a decision like this should not be made lightly and performed only as a last measure because it's so potentially damaging to the marriage.
This kind of brings the topic around to the fact that if both couples are ABSOLUTELY sure they do not want to either have kids at all or not have any more, then something permanently needs to be done so that it doesn't happen. Not rely on birth control.
We had decided not to have any more when our son was about 2 and I kept bugging my husband to go get something done about it. (Figured it was his turn!). He put it off and put it off. Then 5 years ago BOTH of my older sisters (both in their 40's at the time) had "oops" babies. We had all gotten together for a visit - one's child was 2 the other sister was pregnant. I think within a week of getting home from that reunion he was at the doctors office taking care of business. It was THE way to insure we wouldn't be in that boat!
Thankfully we've always been on the same page in this regard. It's very hard when couples are not. But in the long run, when someone adamantly does not want to have a child, it benefits no one to go ahead and do it. Someone always gets hurt.
Maybe yes, maybe no. Prior to being married I had a very active sex life. And it was my experience that you can tell when a man has had a vasectomy by his performance. Sorry, my opinion was that the procedure results in negative changes. I would not say this if it had not been my observation time and time again. It got to the point where I would not even consider a dalliance with a man who had been snipped because I knew I would not like the experience. I guess it goes without saying that I would NEVER want my husband to do this. I may have to take birth control pills until I am 70 (women in my family are notoriously late menopausers) but it is worth it to me. YMMV
Maybe yes, maybe no. Prior to being married I had a very active sex life. And it was my experience that you can tell when a man has had a vasectomy by his performance. Sorry, my opinion was that the procedure results in negative changes. I would not say this if it had not been my observation time and time again. It got to the point where I would not even consider a dalliance with a man who had been snipped because I knew I would not like the experience. I guess it goes without saying that I would NEVER want my husband to do this. I may have to take birth control pills until I am 70 (women in my family are notoriously late menopausers) but it is worth it to me. YMMV
20yrsinBranson
Well, I've been with my husband 21 years - noticed no difference after the procedure. Did you have sex with that many men before and after who had the procedure done? Or are you comparing men who had a procedure done against those who hadn't. Maybe it was just the guy.
One reason I did not continue birth control - as in the pill - was because I had been on it too long. I had a friend who had a stroke that was directly related to being on the pill too long, so I guess that was also one reason why I wouldn't continue. But that's just me and I realize there are other forms of birth control. We just did not want to take any chances and did not want another child. The peace of mind is well worth it.
And let's face it - if a man is so worried that he's going to get his wife pregnant when he is not ready or wanting any more children, really effecting their sex life......then, well, I'd opt for the vasectomy.
I also don't condone having one done behind anyone's back. It's obviously something that needs to be discussed between a couple.
Obviously a very personal issue between couples and there are so many factors to consider! We all come from such different places and experiences when considering the issue.
She has threatened to get pregnant without my help and asked what I would do if she did. I said that I didn't know.
I know what I would do and that is have a paternity test done. Because if she has one without your help it would have to be somebodys else and that would mean she cheated. You don't want another child of your own so are you willing to raise another mans kid. Have a vasectomy.
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