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I got remairied 3 years ago. At the time I had a nine and a seven year old who were living with their mother in Canada. My wife had a two-year old girl. Before we got married we discussed having more kids. We agreed that we would have one child together and that we would discuss the possibility of more. Now my wife is 30 and I am 38.
Just before we got married my ex was having some serious problems so she sent the kids down to live with us. They were with us for a year and a half. My kids were really needy at the time and I spent quite a bit of time with them and unintentially neglected my wife and her daughter somewhat. Since my kids have gone back to Canada, I feel that situation has been remidied. I have really bonded with her daughter and in my heart I truely feel that she is my own child (it helps that her bio father isn't in the picture at all). On the other hand, she does not see my kids as her own.
A year after we got married, we had a baby boy. The pregnancy was unnexpected but after the initial shock we were both very excited to welcome him into our family. Now, he is two and is the joy of our lives.
The problem is that now my wife STRONGLY feels that she needs to have another baby. I believe that what she is feeling is caused by hormones and other chemicals but whatever it is, it is very real. I believe that if God really wanted us to have another child, he would put at least some desire in both of us. Unfortunately, I feel zero desire to have another child. (other than to make my wife feel better) We went to a counselor and he suggested that we throw out all of the cons and only focus on the pros of having another baby, and that I put a significant effort into praying and meditating to determine what Gods will is. Well, I did that. I put away all of my reasons why I did not want a baby (admittedly I was not able to come up with many reasons why I would want a baby) and I spent many hours praying and meditating with and open mind and heart. In the end the answer was no.
This was crushing to my wife. She is having a really hard time with it. She cried for about 3 days straight and she still can't go to church because of all the baby sounds. She has not been able to accept that my answer came from God and she blames me for being selfish and not loving her enough to give her a baby. She has told me that she has not given up and she wants me to pray and meditate about it again in a few months. She has threatened to get pregnant without my help and asked what I would do if she did. I said that I didn't know.
For me, it is not a money issue. I am just ready to have my life back. There are alot of things that I enjoy doing that don't involve kids or are more difficult with more kids. I also want to be able to give alot of attention to the kids we have. I have been changing diapers for the better part of 12 years now and I am ready to be done with that stage of my life.
In the meantime, the pressure is wreaking havoc on our sex life and other aspects of our marriage. I believe that what she is feeling is real and I also know that what I am feeling is real. I just don't believe that it is right to have a baby that isn't really wanted by both parents.
I just wish that I could find a way to make her feel better and just enjoy the beautiful family that we already have.
Part of me wants to say, have more NOW because you are no younger, and neither is she. Part of me wants to say, WAIT until you see if the additional kids will be permanent or not-if so, maybe you have all you need-if not, practice the prego machine and go for it.
So that's two votes for more kids and one against.
I can't imagine a man so strongly opinionated about babies. Thanks god my husband has No Opinion when I ask him if he wants another. He says he'll be fine with either. He has proven over time to be wise and correct in the long run (can't believe I said that).
There is a saying of "fear of the wrath of the woman scorned" - something along these lines goes here. There will be almost NO way for you to win, if she's got a strong opinion.
I may be slammed for what I am about t suggest - but how about making a *verbal* contract that this baby would be HER responsibility and you would mostly concentrate on the kids you already have?
I feel for you. I was struck by her threat to go ahead without your agreement and her comments that you don't love her enough. That is being manipulative and is now sabotaging your relationship, even if it's not her intention. She may be the greatest person on the planet otherwise, but in this case she is being selfish and disrespectful. I agree that it isn't right to have a child that isn't wanted by both parents. So, while I think you're right and she's wrong, that won't solve your problem.
I don't know how you can make her feel better about the current family you have. My only thought is to get her to agree to a moratorium on any discussions about another child for a year. That might give you enough time to repair your relationship and then perhaps you can bring it up again in a calmer manner. In your shoes, I sure wouldn't want to have sex with her now, because she has threatened to go forward without your agreement. No trust can be had there. This is getting personal, I realize, but what form of birth control are you using? Can you convince her to get something like an IUD that can't be tampered with easily? It's too easy to easy to forget to take the pill. Perhaps if she's willing to do that, then you can agree to discuss it (without threats and hysterics) again in a year. Maybe that year will be just enough time to make a difference.
One more thought, who is your counselor? From the information you gave us, he or she seemed to be biased toward having children. I'd think a counselor, in order to be effective, shouldn't have such biases.
Wow, this is such a tough situation. It sounds to me as though you are honest enough to recognize that both of your feelings are real and valid, whatever the cause.
I think it's fine that you saw a counselor from your church(?), but I would strongly recommend a licensed family marriage counselor who doesn't have any biases for or against children (agree with pp), and can help you and your wife sort through your feelings and thoughts. I don't mean to say you should stop praying about it, I think that is important, and there's no reason why you both cannot continue to pray and meditate over this matter. But I think your wife may need support and help figuring out why she feels as strongly as she does, to the point that she is willing to jeopardize your relationship by getting pregnant in spite of you. To me that is selfish and immature.
I do think that until both of you (that includes her) can come to some acceptance of each other's wishes, you shouldn't make any permanent decisions. In other words, don't go out and get snipped or anything, at the same time use some reliable method of birth control that doesn't depend on her "remembering." Biologically you are both young enough to have more children should you wish to, for a few years yet.
This was crushing to my wife. She is having a really hard time with it. She cried for about 3 days straight and she still can't go to church because of all the baby sounds. She has not been able to accept that my answer came from God and she blames me for being selfish and not loving her enough to give her a baby. She has told me that she has not given up and she wants me to pray and meditate about it again in a few months. She has threatened to get pregnant without my help and asked what I would do if she did. I said that I didn't know.
She blames you for being selfish and not loving her enough, but doesn't think it's selfish and unloving for her to lay a guilt trip on you. You're apparently taking the Biblical approach to this decision. She needs to pray and meditate on Ephesians 5:22-33.
She blames you for being selfish and not loving her enough, but doesn't think it's selfish and unloving for her to lay a guilt trip on you. You're apparently taking the Biblical approach to this decision. She needs to pray and meditate on Ephesians 5:22-33.
Agreed. Women make emotional decisions, which is why the man should do that alone for the family. Her guilt trip is not being your help meet.
Our current method of birth control is something between abstinance and gen38:9 (which isn't all that fun). We tried the IUD but her body kicked it out. I am considering a male pill. Anyone know anything about that?
I am considering a male pill. Anyone know anything about that?
The male pill is different from the female pill. The female pill stops ovulation most of the time, thereby preventing conception (most of the time). The wicked part of the pill is that even if conception occurs, it prevents the baby from attaching to the mother, effecting an abortion.
The male pill serves only to prevent sperm production for the period of the dose. Sounds great to me!
You should be using a condom for now at the very least. The VERY last thing you should do is give her any opportunity to get pregnant. Women like that have a mindset that their husbands will be pleased as punch- regardless of what they say- once the woman is pregnant. Certainly get couples counseling as well.
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(can't believe I said that).
You're apparently taking the Biblical approach to this decision. She needs to pray and meditate on Ephesians 5:22-33.
