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I desperately need to know if anyone else feels the same way about this, or if it’s just my cynical nature getting the best of me. I think some woman exaggerate their love of children so that they seem more like the perfect woman. I feel like society says that woman must love kids and if they love kids, they are better people, better women. I have a friend who swoons over kids to such an extent that is nauseating and I swear that it’s part show. I mean there is no doubt in my mind that she likes kids and she wants them, more than anything I know she wants them. But I have a hunch that she feels the need to display her love for them at parties so much partly because she wants people to know how much she loves them and what a great mother she would be. But if that’s how you feel, why do they care if other people know it? Especially other people at a party? I remember at this one party, my friend was completely drunk and would not stop playing with the host’s 2 year old nephew. In front of a bunch of our friends at the party, she was just drunk and playing, carrying the kid around, having his sit on her lap, being really loud talking to him. I like to think that if it were my kid, I would ask the drunken party guest to get off my child! But the mother was in the other room and we were out in the backyard. I used to think that it was a display for her fiancé / now husband, so he could see what a wonderful mother she would be, but now, I think it’s a show for the other girls too. Why do people think that we should know how much they love kids. Do they think that we’ll think more highly of them? At another party, our of our friends brought her newborn. She was like shaking, “let me hold the baby!”. Then when she’s hold her (surrounded by a bunch of our friends) she kept saying “Oh my god, I love her, love her!”. I felt like saying, “Would you relax and stop putting on a damn show for everyone? You like kids, we get it!”
Last edited by 2goldens; 08-17-2009 at 04:24 AM..
Reason: Moved from Other Topics
I think that another forum, like Parenting Forum, might work better for you, Murph.
Hi, Murph. Welcome to C-D. I think that this is probably a question that will be better answered on the Parenting Forum, Relationships Forum, or the Health & Wellness Forum.
You can check here for all of those forums. I would pose this question on the Parenting Forum, if I were Murph. I think you would get some real answers - and some very serious, well-thought out answers.
The Community Chat Forums tend to be more light-hearted and chatty and I think that perhaps this friend of yours might have a security or self-esteem issue that is best handled on another forum.
Let us know how you make out. If anyone else here on CC think that I am off-base, please chime in.
Enjoy City-Data, Murph, and visit and join in anytime - anywhere! You're always welcome here.
I desperately need to know if anyone else feels the same way about this, or if it’s just my cynical nature getting the best of me. I think some woman exaggerate their love of children so that they seem more like the perfect woman. I feel like society says that woman must love kids and if they love kids, they are better people, better women. I have a friend who swoons over kids to such an extent that is nauseating and I swear that it’s part show. I mean there is no doubt in my mind that she likes kids and she wants them, more than anything I know she wants them. But I have a hunch that she feels the need to display her love for them at parties so much partly because she wants people to know how much she loves them and what a great mother she would be. But if that’s how you feel, why do they care if other people know it? Especially other people at a party? I remember at this one party, my friend was completely drunk and would not stop playing with the host’s 2 year old nephew. In front of a bunch of our friends at the party, she was just drunk and playing, carrying the kid around, having his sit on her lap, being really loud talking to him. I like to think that if it were my kid, I would ask the drunken party guest to get off my child! But the mother was in the other room and we were out in the backyard. I used to think that it was a display for her fiancé / now husband, so he could see what a wonderful mother she would be, but now, I think it’s a show for the other girls too. Why do people think that we should know how much they love kids. Do they think that we’ll think more highly of them? At another party, our of our friends brought her newborn. She was like shaking, “let me hold the baby!”. Then when she’s hold her (surrounded by a bunch of our friends) she kept saying “Oh my god, I love her, love her!”. I felt like saying, “Would you relax and stop putting on a damn show for everyone? You like kids, we get it!”
One thing I have come to understand is when someone does something like this, they are showing an insecurity on the inside. For example, my total guess would be this woman feels inadequate somewhere when it comes to child rearing and this is how she makes herself feel worthy. Perhaps she can't have children at all and she feels that going overboard with this sort of energy will help her cope?
A lot of miscommunication rears when you witness things like this. The only way to know for sure is to have an honest chat with your friend and explain how her "antics" seem to you from your chair in the room. She might be defensive but guaranteed she will think about it in private-as it appears what others think of her is indeed important.
Something to communicate to the world since I have the floor for another few sentences is: I am a woman who cannot bear children.
I am prejudiced against, treated rather disrespectfully by women my age in the workplace and I should probably write a novel about how awful my family treats me. Upon anyone new I meet that is a female, when they discover that I do not have children and I am 34 and have been married a while, I get a scoured look and often what I perceive as snobbery breaks out with comments like, "What, are you too busy or too good to have kids?"
It has taken me a lot of maturity, a lot of growing, a lot of loving my life, and lot of painful steps to come to the conclusion that people stop and think what their life might be like without children (the women who have kids usually act this way to me) and either they are jealous, or just think I'm a snob myself for choosing not to bear any.
Truth is, I can't have them. It's not anyone's business, but I am compelled to pass along how hurtful it is when people just don't stop to open their mind that crap happens, just smile and let it go.
I'm not going to tell those spiteful heartless mean women that every time I'm invited to a baby shower and have to shop in the baby section, I cried my eyes out for years at the little tiny shoes. I don't have to tell her how much pain it used to cause me to see happy mommies with little girls playing at the playground, or how many times I wanted to braid a little girl's hair. She doesn't need to know how much therapy I had to pay for just to be around children and not pay attention to the empty pit in my stomach that made me reach for the closest garbage can, nor does she need to know how many sleepless nights I lied awake in the desperate hours wondering if some cruel woman had ditched her baby in a trash can that I could bring home to comfort my soul.
All these women have to do is remember to find that compassion that is in there somewhere and let people do what they must without judgment. If you want to know why in earnest, all you have to do is have the courage to ask. You might learn something important that will change your life.
There are many out there who dont have/want kids because of a career thing. But guys too, are like this, or some people wait till its too late in life and their spouse doesnt want to be raising a baby at the age of 60.
But to love a kids is human instinct.
Ok - I would agree this may belong on the parenting forum, but I'd like to weigh in here.
I was told at 19 that I couldn't have kids. And, apparently, either God has a tremendous sense of humor, or at least had other ideas. At this point, I have now had a hand in raising 12 kids. First batch were step kids that were 8, 11, & 15. Then came a passel of part time kids - OPK (other people's kids) in trouble. Their parents would drop them off at Aunties house to straighten them out. And I would talk with them, teach them, help them understand discipline and self-respect, and send them back to their parents.
Then I got 4 little ones when I married my 2nd husband. These were 4 y.o. twins, a 6 y.o., and a 9 y.o. And we pretty much had them full time. So I've had a long and interesting history with children. My youngest just gave birth to her first baby. We're talking decades of parenting here.
So - in answer to your question - yes, some women just have a higher oxytocin level when it comes to kids. Oxytocin (not oxycontin) is a naturally occurring neuropeptide that the brain emits in various doses so that mothers will take care of their young. Some women just get higher doses than others, and really, truly, DO just love kids. Men get that hit too. But in smaller doses. Actually, the good feelings you have when you are with your girlfriends come from that same neuropeptide.
The women who kill their young, who neglect them, who give them away, who just act bizarre with kids - walking around with a baby like he's a sack of potatoes under an arm, probably don't have as much oxytocin or their receptors aren't working.
Here's what happened to me: I was resigned to the not having kids thing. Not a problem, I come from a large family, and felt we probably already had contributed to the overpopulation of the planet. Didn't give it another thought. Didn't have any yearnings that I was aware of. And got the same discrimination Livewire talks about. I know who I am, so I really didn't take it to heart. Any judgment by anyone is just a reflection of their own issues. When one finger points out, three point back at us.
Then, at 30, I got a taste of what was to come. My brother and his wife visited my city along with their 3 year old son. I volunteered to watch the boy while they spent a much-needed weekend alone at a resort. At about 2 AM, my nephew fell out of bed. He was down the hall in a room with the door closed, mind you. I was up and standing next to him BEFORE I was even consciously awake. It was like my mommy hormones had kicked in. I sat down on the bed, pulled him into my arms, and cuddled him till he stopped crying. It came naturally. No thought to it at all. http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e334/puzzlessue/Smiley%20Life/36_2_84.gif (broken link)
Then the weirdest thing happened. I started noticing little kids. I would talk with them on the airplane, in waiting rooms, in stores. Something in my brain had shifted. Not long after, I fell in love. He had kids. I didn't give it a second thought. Of course I would help him raise them. It was suddenly perfectly natural for me to do that. I wouldn't have even considered it a year before! So something HAD shifted.
Kids are hard. And they are the best thing you'll ever do. But they aren't for everyone, and I think a lot more people shouldn't have them if they already know they don't want them.
For me, it was a good thing: I learned so much about myself through these experiences. I learned about Love - unconditional love - the kind most of us crave in our grown up relationships. I learned how to surrender. I learned who I am. And I learned that self respect is more important than self-esteem. I improved my teaching and writing skills, because you have to simplify things. I learned that I'm a role model and stopped using all the "special" words so much. ("Auntie - YOU SAID A BAD WORD!") And I think I could see myself in the mirror more clearly.
So - I would just leave your friend be. And ask yourself why it bugs you so much. There's an answer in there for you... Her actions are no judgment about your choices. She probably gets a really good hit from being around little ones. Or she's showing off... who cares? If I were at a party with a bunch of critical people, or I saw the kids being ignored, I might go and play with the kids... They are the most honest people you'll ever meet. if they don't like you, what you are wearing, what you just said, how you say one thing and do another -- they'll let you know. It's quite humbling.
"People" don't think anything. There is no such entity as "people." There individuals - each with their own identity and thoughts. And often times we are just putting our own stuff into the little bubbles above those people's heads. In the old days, when someone asked me why I didn't have kids, I would smile sweetly and say, "I can't!" And then walk away before they could lay any of their issues at my feet. It doesn't matter if "I can't" because I have a medical issue, I'm on birth control, or I think I might try and return them to the hospital after a week. The answer, if that is my reality, is I can't!
Take a deep breath. Ignore her the next time she does this. She may be really shy and can't talk with grownups, she may really want kids and her clock is ticking, she may feel she can't compete with all the grownup chatter. She may be a psycho. Who knows? Who cares? Really. Sit back and ask yourself, "What's in it for me to be this upset about this particular situation?" It's a great growth opportunity for you!
I don't think any woman has to feel compelled to bear children just by virtue of having ovaries and a womb. Nor should she have to explain her intentions either way to anyone at any time.
When I first married, I wanted the whole American Dream. Husband, Kids, House etc.
After 5 years I found out that my husband had mumps at age 12 and was unable to give me children. He refused to adopt and I had no intention of leaving him.
As the years went by, I was actually greatful that I did not have kids because I was horribly abused by my own mother and what if I became her? Better to break the cycle than risk it.
However, for most of my life, I have been involved with kids through my Kids Crafts that I take to shelters, food bank parties and local crafts shows. I really enjoy them and I am really happy when in the end they go home with their moms!
I desperately need to know if anyone else feels the same way about this, or if it’s just my cynical nature getting the best of me. I think some woman exaggerate their love of children so that they seem more like the perfect woman. I feel like society says that woman must love kids and if they love kids, they are better people, better women. I have a friend who swoons over kids to such an extent that is nauseating and I swear that it’s part show. I mean there is no doubt in my mind that she likes kids and she wants them, more than anything I know she wants them. But I have a hunch that she feels the need to display her love for them at parties so much partly because she wants people to know how much she loves them and what a great mother she would be. But if that’s how you feel, why do they care if other people know it? Especially other people at a party? I remember at this one party, my friend was completely drunk and would not stop playing with the host’s 2 year old nephew. In front of a bunch of our friends at the party, she was just drunk and playing, carrying the kid around, having his sit on her lap, being really loud talking to him. I like to think that if it were my kid, I would ask the drunken party guest to get off my child! But the mother was in the other room and we were out in the backyard. I used to think that it was a display for her fiancé / now husband, so he could see what a wonderful mother she would be, but now, I think it’s a show for the other girls too. Why do people think that we should know how much they love kids. Do they think that we’ll think more highly of them? At another party, our of our friends brought her newborn. She was like shaking, “let me hold the baby!”. Then when she’s hold her (surrounded by a bunch of our friends) she kept saying “Oh my god, I love her, love her!”. I felt like saying, “Would you relax and stop putting on a damn show for everyone? You like kids, we get it!”
You know what. I like this thread; this is mainly because I am the few among my friends that will not have children. I don't feel an obligation to despite my friends having children. The only problem that could possibly arise is if I ever choose to marry, the guy will have to agree to not have children either.
Also, I have a friend who is a mother and works at a daycare. Hates all children except hers. To each their own.
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I think that another forum, like Parenting Forum, might work better for you, Murph.
I think that this is probably a question that will be better answered on the Parenting Forum, Relationships Forum, or the Health & Wellness Forum.
