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My question is mostly for parents who have 2 or more boys. But could be for a father-son "training", or sparring. Do boys fight physically all the time? Do you view it as good for their future (warding off bullies, for example)? At which point do you think it may become aggression training?
OMG, I have two young boys and they are always wrestling. I've taken many different routes to try to curb this...consequences, punishments, ignoring it, etc. Nothing has worked so far. And it almost always ends with someone getting 'hurt'. It's frustrating as a mom. I'm still not used to the aggression of 'boy culture'. I want my boys to grow up to be peace loving people and I tell you, some days it feels like I'm raising the next WWF champion.
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I have three boys--they're now all teens---and I've never allowed fighting. They wrestle with each and goof around, but I've never let them express anger/frustration by pounding on each other. They've never sparred with their dad, either. Their dad has actually taken the lead in introducing them to sports, woodworking, stuff like that.
Boys do have lots of energy and we've always directed that energy to some type of physical activity--sports, physical work, etc. In my experience, the kids who are bullied are usually the ones who lack self-confidence. My boys come across as very self-confident. They've faced a few bullies over the years, but they've never had to resort to punching them. To tell you the truth, they usually laughed at them----and then got their other brothers if they needed to.
By not allowing my boys to fight, I've been trying really hard to nurture a friendship based on respect between them. Each of them gets a voice in making family decisions. But the rank in the family carries a little more weight. In other words, the oldest son gets more privileges than the youngest. The youngest boy definitely looks up to his older brothers. We've also stressed family unity and honor to them. I think they're good friends and if you mess with one, you definitely mess with all three.
So to answer the question: nope, never saw the value in allowing or tolerating brothers to fight each other.
I have three little boys (7, 5 & 3) and my friend described it best - she said it's like watching puppies. They are always touching each other and jumping around.
As for actual physical fighting - I won't tolerate that!
The older two will pull or push each other now and again, but I draw the line at hitting!
My 4 & 7 year old boys seem like they are always going at it- However that doesn't mean physical fighting in anger. They tease & wrestle each other around & sometimes one gets a bump but it's all horseplay. I do try to direct them to do something more constructive but that doesn't always work. They know any lashing out in anger, i.e. hitting, kicking, biting etc.. is NOT acceptable. My boys also like to play karate with dad. They get in the bedroom & throw all the pillows in the floor & attack daddy (who is usually some sort of monster or space alien at the time) Sorry but I don't know any brothers who haven't wrestled or horseplayed in that manner at some point growing up. Boys are usually just more physical than girls when playing. However, me being the only girl in my entire family, I wrestled with the best of them
Oiy! I have a 5 y.o. and a 21 MONTH old and they go at it! Some of it is agression and I try my hardest to stop it and explain. A lot of times it is goofing around and I pretty much let it go until it looks like it is getting out of hand. Already my mantra seems to be "well, if you play rough someone is going to get hurt!" I can't wait until the younger one gets a little bigger and isn't quite so fragile. A book I have been reading on raising boys suggests that dads get down on the floor and wrestle with the boys. This way he can set "rules" for the boys to follow while playing rough (no hitting, biting, etc.). The idea is that wrestling with their dad builds confidence and lets out their energy, while letting them know that there are acceptable boundaries.
As for boxing--nope, none of my boys will even learn it. I figure boys (usually, and it seems definitely mine) have so much testerone-fueled energy that they don't need any instruction in fighting--it probably comes naturally. I try to show my son why bullies are bullies and what to do. Already he has "walked away."
Last edited by crazyme4878; 08-11-2008 at 09:33 PM..
I had 2 boys, 3 years apart, and a girl in the middle. I never allowed fighting. They would wrestle once in a while but actual fighting was out. I didn't need the hassle and I'd seen other kids "playing" like that, that ended up in someone getting hurt.
That is and has always been natural. That's where you step in as a parent and stop it if it is out of anger. Boys, and some girls pick this up from several different aspects in their life like - Other children around them, Television, Some video games, our natural Defense mechanism, and Anger issues (worst case scenerio).
A neighbor and I were talking about raising boys (she has three, 11, 8 and 4; I have two 5 and 21 mo.). We both expressed how we hoped our boys would learn to communicate their emotions, how to handle their anger, and not fall into the "manly man" trap. Out of that conversation, though, came a great quote from her--"But if he is meant to be a warrior, you want to help him become the best warrior he can." I think of that quote every week.
I want my son to be a peace-seeking, sensitive human, but I also can't deny what is already in him. So I try to teach him ways to direct his anger. I teach him what is bullying and why people bully. I tell him its okay to cry and its okay to be mad. And if, as he grows up, he turns more toward the warrior end of the spectrum than the non-violent peace activist end, then all I can do is trust my previous parenting and help guide him through it.
I hope this is on the topic enough. It's not easy being a girl and raising boys (I grew up with all girls). But I never appreciated how much boys and girls are different before I had them.
I have two boys ; 8 & 9. They are not allowed to wrestle eachother. They are taught to respect eachother, to understand each other and not to hit.
They are best friends, but lately the older one is more moody. But they oth have lots of energy ; when they get out of hand, I tell them if they have that much energy, they need to walk or cycle around the block. That usually stops them as its at least one mile around the block.
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