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Yeh I pretty much think it would be the worst thing you could say.
I am just doing a sanity check because this was the straw that broke the camels back when speaking with mother. She was 30 years old when she had the family. Plenty old enough to know what you are doing.
Just had a birthday so I am in in personal review of things/life/etc.
I had cut my parents off for over a year now.
Because of a mountain of etcs that I am not even going through.
But I aborted myself....a little belated
I think I am going to keep it that way.
I wish you well and I know what you mean.
I don't have children--actually didn't think I would be good--after living through my parents' difficulties. The things that are said in anger--yes, they have an impact. At least go back and apologize or discuss the reason for the cruel remark. I know I would have at least tried to do that.
Maybe I would have been a better parent than I thought. I know that I was at one pointed a much wanted child--then the marriage fell apart and they didn't get a divorce. Oh, how I wanted them to just get a divorce--anything but tear each other to pieces every day. Not to mention how this affected 'The Kids'.
I heard worse. For example "You being born ruined my life" and "I wish you had never been born" and "The biggest mistake I ever made was the day you were born". All much worse than saying "If I had it to do over again I would not have had children" which is actually a fairly general statement and does not direct malice at the child.
I heard worse. For example "You being born ruined my life" and "I wish you had never been born" and "The biggest mistake I ever made was the day you were born". All much worse than saying "If I had it to do over again I would not have had children" which is actually a fairly general statement and does not direct malice at the child.
Aren't all of those comments sending the same message? My father used to say things like that. Actually he said, 'None of you are worth a 'D' and I should kill you all...' I was about 14 and couldn't believe it. All I could do was tell myself that it just wasn't true. My mother just cried. No help there. My brother retreated to his room.
Years later--my Mother says--'That is in the Past--I will not discuss it...' I have sought counseling. At fourteen I really didn't know why my parents said and did the things they did. They weren't 'Bad' people--alcohol wasn't a problem--but they managed to be brutal with words. Authoritarian --both wanted to 'Control'--it does little good to be told--'That was all they knew'. Other families seemed to have better ideas--that is what I thought then and think now.
I heard worse. For example "You being born ruined my life" and "I wish you had never been born" and "The biggest mistake I ever made was the day you were born". All much worse than saying "If I had it to do over again I would not have had children" which is actually a fairly general statement and does not direct malice at the child.
Oh. That makes sense. Like dim said.
Things worse than the nice way of putting it had been said before.
The tone of presentation of the "nice way" was nothing more than a jab.
You know how you can tell that when you know someone and have seen them enjoy doing that type of thing to others.
Other have been said...but they were drunk and people say stupid things all the time when drinking. Being younger I am sure I just glazed over a lot.
I just think its wierd when people say mean things to thier kid and are hyper critical.
In my later at home years I asked her if she wanted my honest review of her as a human being and a parent because she always was letting me know her views. She looked freaked then p*ssed and the quickly left the room. Avoided me for quite awhile.
LOL
I think that it's ok to tell your children whether they should or should not follow the same path you did and the reasons why. I think most of the people on this parenting forum have really young children and that's why they can't imagine having complex discussions w/older children (12 & up) about the realities of life.
I don't want my child to do what i did. It doesn't mean that i don't love him or regret having him. Part of being a parent is exposing what's true for you as the parent and as a person to your child. As your child gets older, you want him/her to see you more and more as a person, not just the mythical PARENT. This way, they'll talk to you w/o fear and with respect for your opinions, whether they listen to them or not.
Things worse than the nice way of putting it had been said before.
The tone of presentation of the "nice way" was nothing more than a jab.
You know how you can tell that when you know someone and have seen them enjoy doing that type of thing to others.
Other have been said...but they were drunk and people say stupid things all the time when drinking. Being younger I am sure I just glazed over a lot.
I just think its wierd when people say mean things to thier kid and are hyper critical.
In my later at home years I asked her if she wanted my honest review of her as a human being and a parent because she always was letting me know her views. She looked freaked then p*ssed and the quickly left the room. Avoided me for quite awhile.
LOL
My parents never drank a drop and yet managed to say some pretty nasty things. Bitter, disappointed and brought up with very limited and negative views on just about everything.
I struggle every day to try to 'think differently'. I wonder if others who deal with 'depression, anxiety and similar disorders' might have gotten this sort of view of the world. Listen to the news enough and it is understandable.
There is no medication to cure this. You have to find a different way of thinking--not easy.
i think that no matter how old the "child" is, its a horrible thing to say. the only thing you can gather from that is "you were a mistake and if i could take it back, i would".
children are not mistakes. adults are. adults should be more careful when planning on having children, weighing all options, so that the children that are a result are never considered bad judgement or mistakes. children should never be a regret. they are blessings. if you feel like you aren't ready to love and take care of something unselfishly and know that every waking minute of your life until you die will be consumed by that child....then you shouldn't have them.
i'm not trying to say that to be mean...but i think that lack of planning and taking parenting seriously is the only reason why anyone would regret having a child. that's just sad. its not their fault.
I think that it's ok to tell your children whether they should or should not follow the same path you did and the reasons why. I think most of the people on this parenting forum have really young children and that's why they can't imagine having complex discussions w/older children (12 & up) about the realities of life.
I don't want my child to do what i did. It doesn't mean that i don't love him or regret having him. Part of being a parent is exposing what's true for you as the parent and as a person to your child. As your child gets older, you want him/her to see you more and more as a person, not just the mythical PARENT. This way, they'll talk to you w/o fear and with respect for your opinions, whether they listen to them or not.
i agree with being "real" with your kids...i just don't see why anyone would ever feel that way. "if i could do it over again, i wouldn't have kids" or however that was worded exactly. really?! i mean you genuinely feel that way? that's the part i have trouble with. its not an argument about whether or not you're honest with your kids about having smoked a joint once when you were in college...you should discuss that with your kids when they are older-absolutely!...its the fact that you as a grown adult had a decision to make about having a child and you didn't feel you made the right decision. that's serious!
No, I don' think it's one of the worst things you can say.
I think there is some hard core truth to some parents saying it. They should not have had children. It was a mistake. The CHILD is not the mistake, but all the deicisions that led up to the child were & many of the decisions after were disastorous.
Parenting is the hardest thing in the world. I don't believe ANYONE who says it's butterfly kisses & gumdrop dreams 24/7.
Guess what..sometimes it's downright awful.
And for some people, they just shouldn't have had children & letting their children be aware that it's tough.
I love my kids & it is one of the BEST decisions of my life. But we've had our moments & will continue to have them where I feel like I'm a step closer to the looney bin.
I think there are far worse things to say & more importantly, act.
If a parent feels this is something they need to share with their child, I believe it needs to be said at an age where the child can have dissect what has been said & if possible, have a conversation about it with their mom or dad.
I think ignoring & not talking your children is the cruelist thing a parent can do (I mean straight out ignoring; not ignoring due to temper tantrums, bad moods, etc).
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