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Old 08-21-2008, 07:32 PM
 
Location: In My Own Little World. . .
3,238 posts, read 8,776,719 times
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OK, when I was a teenager (back in the dark ages), it was expected that we would be virgins when we got married. It didn't always work out that way, but that was the expected norm.

I have a 16 year old daughter. We have openly talked about sex and all the consequences. I have always encouraged her to get a ring on her finger before she considers sex. Not necessarily a wedding ring, but something that shows a committment, an idea of a future with this person. She has a very good head on her shoulders, and I know from things she's said that she wouldn't take her first sexual experience lightly.

I have an 18 year old son who has been having sex with his 18 year old gf for several months now. I've had the "safe sex" talk with him, but I was a little disturbed that they decided to have sex because I tried to explain to him over the years that sex changes things. Not just the physical act, but emotions become stronger, and you have to be mature enough to handle it. His gf is going off to college in a couple of weeks, and I know he's going to have a really hard time with her gone because of their closeness, which I don't think would have been such an issue if they hadn't had sex.

My question is this: Since being a virgin when you marry is not really expected nowadays, especially with people marrying well into their 20s, how do you handle the "talk" with your daughters? With my mom, it was easy. You didn't "do it" until you were married. Not realistic these days however, although I know it happens.

Who would like to add to this conversation? I feel like I'm wandering all over the place.
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Old 08-21-2008, 08:05 PM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
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I don't guess I ever had "the talk" with either of my kids, it was more like a lot of little talks over the years. Like the day I came home and my daughter told me some kids had been suspended from school (middle school) for having oral sex under the bleachers in the gym. Wow! Perfect opening for a discussion, eh?

I guess I tried to emphasize that sex was more meaningful with someone you loved and truly wanted to spend your life with. That if it was possible for them to wait until they were older they would realize that it was worth it. But that sexual feelings could be overwhelming and I wanted them to be prepared in the event they found themselves in a 'situation'.

I was not above using scare tactics however, and told them that when they had sex with someone they were also basically having sex with every person their partner had ever slept with also. ALWAYS use a condom!
Told them also that if a pregnancy resulted they might find themselves tied to their partners for the rest of their lives, long after any initial attraction had worn away.
My scare tactics didn't keep them from having sex, but at least I hope it made them seriously think about what they were doing beforehand. At any rate there aren't any grandbabies yet, knock on wood!
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Old 08-21-2008, 08:07 PM
 
396 posts, read 1,033,618 times
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It sounds like you have double standards for boys and girls.
I would talk to your daughter about safe sex, and self esteem. Maybe things were more simple at one time, and I think that must have been nice in a way, but I also think that people were most likely sneaking behind their parents backs then, as they are now.
I think sex is more risky now because of disease and what is on television, videos, advertising,...
I think that self esteem is something that needs to be addressed, as it seems like there are all sorts of weird sex games and things that kids are doing now. She needs to know how to protect herself if she does go down that road, and if she feels ashamed because there is not a ring on her finger...... she will not come to you for help. You want her to be able to take care of herself. This is not giving permission to go out and have sex, but, you know what I mean.
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Old 08-21-2008, 08:38 PM
 
3,842 posts, read 10,494,805 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by colleeng47 View Post

My question is this: Since being a virgin when you marry is not really expected nowadays, especially with people marrying well into their 20s, how do you handle the "talk" with your daughters? With my mom, it was easy. You didn't "do it" until you were married. Not realistic these days however, although I know it happens.

Who would like to add to this conversation? I feel like I'm wandering all over the place.

What do you expect from your daughter?

Why isn't it realistic? Not every teenager is having sex nor does every teenager want to have sex.

Maybe your daughter is one of them.

Do you want her to be or do you want her to have a choice?

It's a decision you need to make.

I'm sorry, but the negative & lifelong consequences (emotional, physical, mental, etc) of having sex at such a young age far outweight encouraging & promoting abstinence
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Old 08-22-2008, 07:13 AM
 
Location: beautiful NC mountains!
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Like the above poster, I have had many talks with my 16 year old daughter and 19 year old son. I have talked to them about birth control, std's, etc.
I have also told them about my cousin who at 17 had a child and how it affected her life. She never went to college, had to raise a child on her own when the sperm donor disappeared and claimed he didn't even know her. She has struggled financially all her life.
I also benefit from having a 6 year old. Both my older kids have seen first hand what it takes to raise a baby. That it isn't all fun and games. It is work, sometimes work you don't feel like doing. They also see how much money it takes to raise a child.
When my daughter turned 16 this year and began dating, I put her on birth control pills. I told her that this was NOT condoning sex, but that if sex became a part of her life that I wanted to make sure a baby was not the consequence. I told her that I would love her no matter what her choices were.
I have known for quite awhile that my son was having sex. My husband and I keep a drawer of condoms in the house and told him we do not count them. (We use them as well so there is no knowing who is using them up). I have also told him that I became pregnant using condoms. They are not 100% effective! But they are certainly better than nothing at all. I have explained to him that if he were to get a girl pregnant that I would make sure HE took care of that baby for LIFE. You do not get to walk away because you are the guy and it is the girls problem.

I guess I don't expect my kids to be virgins when they marry. I'm not even sure that is advisable. I just hope that all of my three are safe and that when they make that choice that they are emotionally ready for it. Ultimately it is their choice, not mine. It is my job simply to help them prepare and be responsible when they make that choice and all others. I hope I have done that.
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Old 08-22-2008, 08:47 AM
 
Location: Junius Heights
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Quote:
Originally Posted by old biddie View Post
It sounds like you have double standards for boys and girls.
Not Necessarily. The boy is 18 the girl 16.
My parents put it in an interesting fashion. They told me what they believed, and then explained that religion aside (I was an atheist at the time, not any longer) having sex before 18 was unethical. As an underage child, they were legally responsible for m, and my medical bills. At 18 they weren't. Under 18 if I got an STD, it cost them money, if I had a child same thing, and they would end up helping watch him/her as they were required to support me while I was in school.
They also explained that should I get an STD or a girl pregnant at 18 they weren't going to push me out the door, but they would have a legal right to, so deciding not to would be their choice, not forced upon them. In other words you have the right to take risks with your life, health and money, but not with another persons. That has made sense to me from 13 to today.
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Old 08-22-2008, 10:52 AM
 
2,542 posts, read 6,902,363 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VBmom View Post
When my daughter turned 16 this year and began dating, I put her on birth control pills. I told her that this was NOT condoning sex, but that if sex became a part of her life that I wanted to make sure a baby was not the consequence. I told her that I would love her no matter what her choices were.
I have known for quite awhile that my son was having sex. My husband and I keep a drawer of condoms in the house and told him we do not count them. (We use them as well so there is no knowing who is using them up). I have also told him that I became pregnant using condoms. They are not 100% effective! But they are certainly better than nothing at all.
Make sure you inform your daughter that certain activities can limit the effectiveness of the pill. An acquaintence got pregnant with her first child (she was 17) while on the pill. She was also on antibiotics at the time. While they can't be 100% sure, her and her mom think this might have been the culprit.

And yes, there does seem to be some unbalance between what is expected for the boy and girl. Although another poster supported the reason very well, I think the OP should be aware that if adults are leaning toward thinking that, a 16 y.o. will definitely think that way. So you might make a reference to standards of sex as she ages. I obviously don't know about the OP's daughter, but many teenagers will rebel if they think their parents are being unfair like this.
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Old 08-22-2008, 11:52 AM
 
1,156 posts, read 3,743,162 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VBmom View Post
When my daughter turned 16 this year and began dating, I put her on birth control pills. I told her that this was NOT condoning sex, but that if sex became a part of her life that I wanted to make sure a baby was not the consequence. I told her that I would love her no matter what her choices were.
.
I found what you said surprising. I would worry as much about the potential side effects from birth control pills as I would about a pregnancy. It seems (to me, and I am not judging, just trying to understand) that medicating someone on the chance they might start having sex is beyond proactive. When you wrote dating - did you mean more seriously? You acknowledge this is ultimately her choice, but to tell her to take birth control does seem to me like you're making the choice for her. Again, I am trying to understand, not judge you one way or another.
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Old 08-22-2008, 02:50 PM
 
Location: beautiful NC mountains!
904 posts, read 2,868,892 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cdc3217 View Post
I found what you said surprising. I would worry as much about the potential side effects from birth control pills as I would about a pregnancy. It seems (to me, and I am not judging, just trying to understand) that medicating someone on the chance they might start having sex is beyond proactive. When you wrote dating - did you mean more seriously? You acknowledge this is ultimately her choice, but to tell her to take birth control does seem to me like you're making the choice for her. Again, I am trying to understand, not judge you one way or another.
I see your point. Not offended. I guess I should have stated that I took her to an OB/GYN and she had a private session with the doctor. Yes she was and still is dating this boy seriously. After she talked to the doctor (alone) we all three decided to put her on the pill. She was also having extreme periods and the doctor felt that being on the pill would regulate them. (It has). The decision was made as much for the periods as to prevent pregnancy. She claims she is not sexually active at this point. I just wanted her to be safe either way. During her visit with the dr. she was given information on birth control, std's , and etc. She is well aware of the side effects of the pill and that they are not 100% and that the pill does not prevent std's. This was her choice as well as mine. All I did was make the appointment and take her. I would have done that with a 16 year old anyway. I wanted her to be well informed and she is. what she chooses to do when I am not around, I cannot control but I can be assured that she was given correct information from a doctor. Not incorrect information from her friends or boyfriend. Sorry I didn't state all that before, just didn't want the post to be 9 miles long.
When I turned 16 my parents told me, and I quote..." Don't come home pregnant or we will take you kicking and screaming for an abortion." Believe me, I didn't come home pregnant. I didn't want scare tactics to be used on my daughter. I wanted correct information and personal choice for her. If she chooses to have sex with her boyfriend, I cannot stop her. I just hate to see innocent children that are not wanted brought into this world.
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Old 08-22-2008, 03:02 PM
 
Location: In My Own Little World. . .
3,238 posts, read 8,776,719 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 121804 View Post
What do you expect from your daughter?

Why isn't it realistic? Not every teenager is having sex nor does every teenager want to have sex.

Maybe your daughter is one of them.

Do you want her to be or do you want her to have a choice?

It's a decision you need to make.

I'm sorry, but the negative & lifelong consequences (emotional, physical, mental, etc) of having sex at such a young age far outweight encouraging & promoting abstinence
Actually my daughter is one of them. She just dumped her bf because he was pushing her to have sex. My original post was referring to being a virgin when you got married -- not necessarily teenagers. I don't expect my kids to have sex as teenagers, but kids don't always do what you expect. I also know my daughter will not be talked into or out of whatever she decides to do or not do.

My son, on the other hand was very easily swayed when his gf gave him the go-ahead as a birthday gift!

I have told both of my kids that I would expect them to get married if there was a pregnancy involved. Of course, I couldn't force them, (or their partner), but I want them to know what I expect. I just don't go along with all these unwed parents, even though there are a couple in my extended family. I still want to be a mother-in-law before I'm a grandmother.
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