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Old 08-26-2008, 12:40 PM
 
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My 18 year old niece from Kansas just moved in with our family to go to college at OWC in Niceville, FL. Her mother spent her college education money on drugs and is in rehab,so she is living with us and going to an inexpensive college. How do I give her goals, curfew etc. I have 2 daughters at home also, 8 and 10 years old and I want them to have a positive role model in her. I do not know how things work for a "new" 18 year old adult. Please help give me advise about friends, - should I meet them all? Any advise will help me guide her! Leslie in Destin, FL
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Old 08-26-2008, 12:56 PM
 
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I would be looking for a local support group of 'veteran' parents perhaps through a church or community center.

Fingers crossed that your niece wants a chance for a better life but she may have acquired some negative thinking, etc.

It's your home and you need to establish the ground rules. Your own daughters will be watching.

Good luck.
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Old 08-26-2008, 01:20 PM
 
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i would say try to welcome her freinds to the house and have an active role in her life. she is 18 and therefore an adult, but from the sound of it, she has not had a good role model in her mother.
have her open up to you and let her feel she can talk to you about anything, that way you also know who you are bringing into your home and around your children.
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Old 08-26-2008, 02:39 PM
 
Location: Alaska
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Talk to her. Let her know your ground rules and tell her you'd like her to be a positive role model. Let her know what she can and cannot do in front of your daughters. Set out her responsibilities and household chores she'll need to do. Since she's an adult, she'll likely have some supervision over your daughters, so let her know what restrictions they have. Likewise, let your daughters know what authority your niece has. Set your curfews and restrictions on friends over, but let her know you're willing to adjust as time passes. Most of all, let her know all of this is with her and your family's best interests in mind and that these are the same rules you'd place on your daughters at her age.
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Old 08-26-2008, 02:43 PM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
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I'll probably take some heat for this, but I would pass on setting a curfew, unless this is already a problem area for your niece. I've always thought that trying to set curfews for kids that are legally adults is just too prone to confrontation. It's tough when you want to be seen as an adult but you are being treated like a child, and a lot of kids rebel against any curfew, no matter how reasonable.
lI never had curfews for mine once they were out of high school. I did ask them to have the consideration to let me know approximately how late they would be out, and to give me a call if they were going to be out much later than expected. I found that they were almost always home by the stated time, because they really didn't want to have to call me after midnight and wake me. The few times they did call it wasn't a big deal, and I was reassured that they were safe and would be home shortly.

It wouldn't be unreasonable to tie certain privileges to her school grades and her behavior though. She should be helping around the house and maybe have a small part time job for spending money, if it doesn't cause her grades to slip. Some kids can handle a job and school and some kids have a hard time keeping up with both.

Definitely meet her friends too, even if you have to walk out to the curb and tap on a car window to introduce yourself. Better if you can offer a place in your home for her and her friends to get together occasionally though. In our house a couple of video game systems and pizza and cokes on the weekends went a long way to us getting to know our children's friends.
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Old 08-26-2008, 02:58 PM
 
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I agree on setting ground rules right away. This will avoid any confusion or problems down the line. I think I agree with DubbleT on the curfew. If her mom was an addict, your niece may be use to coming and going as she pleases and changing that when she has finally reached adulthood may create friction. I think letting her know what you think is a respectable time to come home is, along with how you would worry if she stayed out later then expected, along with rules of not waking the household, would be reasonable.

I would have a nice talk about what you expect and what she expects, but I wouldn't do it in front of your daughters. Your niece comes from a hard background and there may things she would want to discuss with you at this time that isn't appropriate in front of younger children.

If it was me, I would want to touch on drug and alcohol use, chores and other family obligations, curfews, and what you expect from her schooling. Have a plan in place in case college doesn't work out (give a timeframe for her to find a job, and what a nominal room and board would be). Make sure it is an open conversation--more of a discussion on what both of you think the rules should be. If she feels like she has contributed to defining the rules, she will be more accepting of them. Another touchy issue is babysitting--make sure you both review what you think is reasonable helping the family and what crosses over into actual babysitting.

Last thing--it would be nice if you threw a "party" for her on her first night at your house. It could be as simple as cooking her favorite dinner and a cake, along with some balloons and signs or cards your daughters made. It would make her feel welcomed into the family--something she may not have felt for a long time.

Oops--I just reread your post and saw that she has already moved in. Well, a welcome to the family party is still good even a few weeks late! (Or a first day of school meal)
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Old 08-26-2008, 03:52 PM
 
Location: Montrose, CA
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She's 18, she's an adult, so there's no more "raising" to be done. If she's going to be paying you anything for rent, then I'd also say there are very few house rules you can impose. You'd be better off treating her like a roommate rather than someone you are raising.
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Old 08-26-2008, 05:49 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuSuSushi View Post
She's 18, she's an adult, so there's no more "raising" to be done. If she's going to be paying you anything for rent, then I'd also say there are very few house rules you can impose. You'd be better off treating her like a roommate rather than someone you are raising.
I hear people say this and I just don't agree.

There is plenty of guiding and counseling to be done at 18 and long after. She may be 'legally' an adult but she has not had a lot of nurturing I would suspect.

Of course explain the household rules and discuss expectations but you are opening your home to her and she will become a member of the family. That may be a very unfamiliar role but I hope things go well for all of you.
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Old 08-26-2008, 10:04 PM
 
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You shouldn't expect her to be a role model for your kids. That's not her responsibility. YOU be the role model.
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Old 08-27-2008, 11:31 AM
 
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I think she should be a type of role model in the OP's house because it is <i>her</i> house. She is living there to go to college. She could be living in a dorm. Not to mention try to be a positive role model (at least not negative) in front of the kids because they are like sponges. And since the niece is 18yo, the kids will copy her more than their mother.

I also think curfew on most nights (like school nights, since that's why she's staying with you) is a good idea. She is only 18yo and if she wanted a place with no rules, she could get a job as well as go to school, and have none. But priveledge comes with responsibility.
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