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Old 09-30-2008, 11:13 PM
 
Location: St. Louis Metro East
515 posts, read 1,553,450 times
Reputation: 335

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We had a knock-down, drag out when DH got home tonight. She almost left. I had the pleasure of telling her mom that she was lying to her about just about everything... Not pretty. I had evidence to back up my claims, though, so in the end, after a lot of yelling, begging, etc., she has agreed to try again with school (if it's not already too late). I'll be meeting with the principal tomorrow... again... I'm on a first name basis with her, and we've only been here a few months! 8-O

And I start a new job tomorrow! Thanks again for the encouraging words. You're all the best!

~D
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Old 10-01-2008, 04:28 PM
 
Location: NW Montana
6,259 posts, read 14,627,828 times
Reputation: 3459
ok, I would suggest since she has shown a propensity towards falsehood you simply draw up a contract and have her sign it, agree to the terms or she is back to her mom. I could go on about how she is using you one against the other but I am sure there are many chapters to the story, remember you must make the example now because you have little ones coming up it sounds like. Good Luck. Take care of yourself.
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Old 10-01-2008, 08:12 PM
 
Location: Earth
24,620 posts, read 28,201,062 times
Reputation: 11416
Whatever you do, it's critical that you stand by your word.
Do not make idle threats, enforce what you say you will.
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Old 10-02-2008, 01:24 PM
 
Location: St. Louis Metro East
515 posts, read 1,553,450 times
Reputation: 335
The meeting with the principl (and guidance counselor) went as well as can be expected. She may be too late to save herself, but they're going to let her try. She has also learned that I will not lie for her, and I will not try to make her look good or reason out any lies she tells. She's been really quiet the past couple days, guess I probably would be, too. I told her mom I wasn't going to let her run over me. I think they're both surprised...

I think by now, she knows that I will go to the mat to help her. I think she's figuring out that's true, even when she doesn't want my help. I love this kid, and whether she wants me to or not, I'm going to do what I can to see that she safely reaches adulthood in one piece. (Not sure whether I'm too stubborn to give up, or just plain not smart enough... lol)

Thanks, all, and I'll keep you updated.
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Old 11-03-2008, 01:50 AM
 
Location: St. Louis Metro East
515 posts, read 1,553,450 times
Reputation: 335
Lightbulb No more mrs. Nice mom!!!!

Today, I found out that DSD, who BTW is becoming less and less beloved with each passing day... (jk... ) helped herself to my credit card when she took her new boyfriend out for dinner and ice cream last Wednesday night. She was at her mom's when I found out. Probably a good thing.

When I went to get her (I meet them halfway, because it's a long drive), I confronted them directly about my findings. She couldn't very well deny it. Her mom was livid, and actually had to leave, she was so angry. I, on the other hand, spoke with a calm, deliberate tone. I think she found that very unnerving. I did not yell, not will I. I told her that she was welcome to come home with me and finish her education, but things were going to be different. Her mom didn't even wait to hear the stipulations. She said you're going. I explained the legal ramifications and sentencing guidelines for credit card fraud. Then, I told her that she needs to provide me with an item of her choice that will sell on eBay for enough to cover the money she stole from me. I told her I didn't want cash, because I know she does not have a job, and her mom is not to pay for this. I also told her that she will be under "house arrest" until December 19th, when she graduates (I hope). She will not be leaving with anyone but me, she will not be allowed to be home alone, and she is not allowed to return to her hometown until then. Her mom is welcome to come see her any time. Mom was perfectly fine with this. She was also in complete disbelief that DSD would have the gall to do such a thing to me. I'll be calling mom in the morning to discuss turning off her cell phone. I wanted the mom to take it back home with her, but she left before the conversation got that far.

I have my own daughter one year younger than DSD, and if she was behaving like this, she would probably be dead by now at my hands... lol...

I guess the way I am looking at things right now is that she was handed to me (and she WAS given to me... they asked ME if she could come, not her dad) with the request that I get her through school. I've tried to let mom handle things the way she wanted to. Obviously, that didn't work, so now, it's going to be my way. She's already charged with one felony, pending trial, probably in January. I plan to tell her that if she drops the ball, I'll be filing charges as well for the two counts fraud that she committed against me. She also got her own mother several times for credit card fraud.

No one will stand up to this kid and do anything to her, or for that matter, FOR her. I will NOT stand by silently anymore. DH didn't want to let her come back. This was the plan of action we came up with collaboratively. I kind of blindsided mom with it, but she seemed all right with it. I'll also be calling a psychiatrist, as I believe she may be bipolar. At the very least, she needs some therapy. Did I do the right thing here? Anyone have any other suggestions?

Thanks again to everyone for all your support.

~D
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Old 11-03-2008, 07:20 AM
 
8,862 posts, read 17,413,935 times
Reputation: 2280
It sounds like that you once again did all that you could do.

I would imagine that your DSD is very anxious with the trial approaching. Counseling might give her some relief and give you some idea if medication or further treatment is required. It doesn't sound like she cares much about herself or anything--very sad because she sounds like she could do so much more.
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Old 11-03-2008, 09:20 AM
 
Location: Chicago 'burbs'
1,022 posts, read 3,363,209 times
Reputation: 763
YOU GO, MOM!!!! I think you did the right thing. It's going to take a lot of work on your part to follow through with all of what you said. It will be worth it in the end. As a parent, you have to TAKE CONTROL, and it sounds like you are. Enough is enough with this standing by. Jump in with both feet, take control and try your damndest to get this kid right!
Definately counciling.
Definately take the cell phone.
No trust, so no freedom.
School, home, counciling. Nothing more.

She is at a fork in the road. Which way she goes is up to her, but you are giving her a good push in the right direction.

Best of luck to you!! Keep us posted. We're all behind you!!

Oh, and thanks for being such a great step-mom. I'm one myself. I'm pulling for you!!!
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Old 11-03-2008, 01:43 PM
 
Location: Some place very cold
5,501 posts, read 22,398,658 times
Reputation: 4353
Quote:
Originally Posted by seven of nine View Post
go in your bedroom, pack a bag and tell your husband you will be back when he takes control over his child. You sound like a caring and good person, you may not see the dirt being wiped off the shoe on your face, AKA doormat. Good luck, take care, she is a kid and a kid will get away with what they can.
This sounds like good advice. I also like the advice someone gave about attending Al-anon.

When kids have problems, it's almost always a family problem, whether the parents want to admit it or not.
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Old 11-03-2008, 08:55 PM
 
Location: NW Montana
6,259 posts, read 14,627,828 times
Reputation: 3459
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtjmom View Post
Today, I found out that DSD, who BTW is becoming less and less beloved with each passing day... (jk... ) helped herself to my credit card when she took her new boyfriend out for dinner and ice cream last Wednesday night. She was at her mom's when I found out. Probably a good thing.

When I went to get her (I meet them halfway, because it's a long drive), I confronted them directly about my findings. She couldn't very well deny it. Her mom was livid, and actually had to leave, she was so angry. I, on the other hand, spoke with a calm, deliberate tone. I think she found that very unnerving. I did not yell, not will I. I told her that she was welcome to come home with me and finish her education, but things were going to be different. Her mom didn't even wait to hear the stipulations. She said you're going. I explained the legal ramifications and sentencing guidelines for credit card fraud. Then, I told her that she needs to provide me with an item of her choice that will sell on eBay for enough to cover the money she stole from me. I told her I didn't want cash, because I know she does not have a job, and her mom is not to pay for this. I also told her that she will be under "house arrest" until December 19th, when she graduates (I hope). She will not be leaving with anyone but me, she will not be allowed to be home alone, and she is not allowed to return to her hometown until then. Her mom is welcome to come see her any time. Mom was perfectly fine with this. She was also in complete disbelief that DSD would have the gall to do such a thing to me. I'll be calling mom in the morning to discuss turning off her cell phone. I wanted the mom to take it back home with her, but she left before the conversation got that far.

I have my own daughter one year younger than DSD, and if she was behaving like this, she would probably be dead by now at my hands... lol...

I guess the way I am looking at things right now is that she was handed to me (and she WAS given to me... they asked ME if she could come, not her dad) with the request that I get her through school. I've tried to let mom handle things the way she wanted to. Obviously, that didn't work, so now, it's going to be my way. She's already charged with one felony, pending trial, probably in January. I plan to tell her that if she drops the ball, I'll be filing charges as well for the two counts fraud that she committed against me. She also got her own mother several times for credit card fraud.

No one will stand up to this kid and do anything to her, or for that matter, FOR her. I will NOT stand by silently anymore. DH didn't want to let her come back. This was the plan of action we came up with collaboratively. I kind of blindsided mom with it, but she seemed all right with it. I'll also be calling a psychiatrist, as I believe she may be bipolar. At the very least, she needs some therapy. Did I do the right thing here? Anyone have any other suggestions?

Thanks again to everyone for all your support.

~D
call the police and report the idenity theft. She is a goner, get her out of your home before your liability increases. Reread you other post, you are still not taking a stand. good luck.
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Old 11-20-2008, 09:50 PM
 
396 posts, read 1,032,664 times
Reputation: 285
Quote:
Originally Posted by chielgirl View Post
I'm going to suggest Al-Anon for Nar-Anon to you.
These are programs to help you get centered.

Abe Twerski has an excellent book: Kindness Can Kill the Alcoholic (and addict). You might want to get a copy for your husband.

She's not going to get clean/sober until she's ready. It doesn't sound like she is.
I could suggest a halfway house, but again, unless she's ready, it's not going to happen.

I've been on a board affiliated with a well-respected rehab and worked with teen girls.
It's heartbreaking, but she has to make a decision.
Please be cautious about enabling her.

Best wishes in this impossible time.
JTMOM, she is right about suggesting ALANON to you.
I was there with you right from the beginning of your posts, and I suggested the same thing to you. This is what you need to do.
I am curious as to why you are not taking this suggestion. The people you will meet there have been dealing with this kind of thing and the solution for a very long time. They can seriously help you. This situation is not getting any better, and if you keep going the way you are going, you are going to drive yourself and those around you crazy.
Also, vicodin is a serious narcotic. I am a recovering alcoholic with 11 years sobriety, and I can tell you that this drug sends many recovering alcoholics back out.
My guess is that the stomach pain/emergency room thing was her trying to get more of the drug. If she is hanging out with other users, which it sound like she is, she is most likely sharing with them.
She is not sober, not one bit. If you go to Alanon you will begin to learn how to deal with this in a way that you do not put your own emotional health in harms way, and that you will stop enabling her, which you are.
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