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Old 10-15-2008, 07:01 AM
 
Location: San Diego
40,486 posts, read 36,284,800 times
Reputation: 24777

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Give them a bill for rent and/or a list of work that must be done before they are allowed home each night otherwise the deadbolt stays on.
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Old 10-15-2008, 08:37 AM
 
Location: North Florida
414 posts, read 1,721,574 times
Reputation: 350
Default You will regret not being tough

Quote:
Originally Posted by kimmieyky View Post
At 18, she is a legal adult. I know it is a difficult thing to do - parents never think the baby they raised and loved so dearly will end up with so many struggles, but it happens.

Tough love is just that - tough. If she refuses to follow the rules, then let her go. Put her things on the porch and change the locks. I would add one thing - a note. This 'child' needs to understand what is going on and that if she is willing to play by house rules - she can come home (I assume that would be the case). This gives her an opportunity to think about her actions while she is out. I would also put some money in an envelope alomg with the note to give her a head start. No more than $100.00, just enough to eat for a few days and get herself somewhere. Hopefully, that will be back in the house with a true change of heart.

The only thing that scares me is where she may end up. This is such a delicate situation, she may get farther into trouble if she is somehow not monitored from afar. Falling deeper into the wrong crowd or getting into horrible trouble is possible, but it is a chance one has to take.

I do believe from the way it sounds, making her go is probably the best thing which can be done. So many teens complain about what they do no thave, but truly have no idea what the real world is all about. This will force her to get herslf together - one way or the other. My oldest son decided to move out when he was 19. I was separated from his step-father at the time, he refused to come with me and his brother, although I begged him and created a home for the three of us, but he wouldn't budge, He moved out without my knowledge, moved in with a girl who he barely knew (she is now his wife and they are expecting my first grandchild), but this was probably the best thing that could have happened. As much as I tried, he always felt like he was owed something even though he had everything. After moving out and finding out paying bills and keeping house along with working his butt off was no picnic, his attitude changed dramatically and now I have my son back.

Pray, pray, pray, take a deep breath and do it. Just the action of putting her on the porch without a key may be a catalyst for change. I pray that is the case.

God Bless you all. Kimmiey
Even though I don't have kids, I watched my parents continually assist my brother and bail him out when he couldn't make it. It started at 16. He didn't want to follow rules any longer and wanted to drop out. My dad put him to work doing manual labor and told him this was the kind of work he'd be doing if he dropped out. In Florida, he could drop out at 16 and he did it anyway. My parents coddled him, got him a job through a friend and let him live rent free so he could save his money. My brother tired of their rules, and he left to live with a friend. 6 months later he was back and my parents allowed him to move back in. This back and forth continued for 4 YEARS!! My brother has never learned responsibility, the ability to save, the value of a dollar or developed work ethic. He's now 33 and barely makes ends meet. He is on his own, but still has a roommate. He never got his GED and will always work dead-end jobs. I love my brother, but my parents enabled him. I know I'll eventually have to take care of him, and I will. Please do not give in on this one. Teach your kids lessons, even if it's tough. You'll only be giving them valuable life skills.
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Old 10-15-2008, 10:11 AM
 
7,672 posts, read 10,993,547 times
Reputation: 7973
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
I have a friend whose daughter is refusing to follow the rules of the house. Kids these days think they know it all! What is the legal way to kick her out in FL?
The ultra legal way would be start eviction proceedings with the court and formally kick her out with the sheriff's department.

The not so legal way would be to put her stuff in storage and give her the key to the lock telling her she has one month free storage till she finds her own place.

The right thing to do would be to get her an extended stay motel for one month and tell her she has one month to find her own place to live but meanwhile she can stay there.
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Old 10-15-2008, 11:38 AM
 
Location: Orlando
8,178 posts, read 17,179,547 times
Reputation: 49813
Quote:
Originally Posted by azoria View Post
Fiddlesticks.

Tough love? What happened to family commitment? When did it become ok to send your own 18 year old daughter out into the streets? And why in gods name would this seem even remotely like a good idea?

It sounds like there is a power struggle? An uncooperative 18 year old daughter who refuses to abide by household rules. So the parents determine that the path to 'winning' is to unload the unrepentant child into homelessness. Tough love my a$s, this is abandonment and worse, pushing a young foolish girl into a very dangerous and precarious predicament. And if this ensues--who is the winner??? What is victory worth when your child is out homeless on the street?

That is just stupid contemporary psychobabble. You don't abandon family members like that, much less your own children. Family is the foundation of culture and country and civilization. Just because there is a belligerent child in the home is no excuse for that kind of inhumanity and abandonment. Especially for a young vulnerable girl.

I don't know what the fix is, but I DO KNOW that throwing family members out the door benefits none of the players here. Perhaps there is some kind of family counseling or remediation that can be found. Perhaps the parents can stifle their frustration for a time while this girl finishes growing up.

I utterly and completely repudiate the nonsense social babble of *tough love*. We need to take care of our own. Even when they are despicable and difficult. When they are old and infirm. When they are tiny infants and unbearably irritating. Responsible adults respond to crisis with reason and caring and thought and purpose. They don't just get fed up and throw their kids out of the house.

It's not ok.

I could not disagree with you more. But unless a young adult learns not to be a disrepectful moocher this person will be this way for the rest of her life.

Children at 18 think they know everything. It's up to us as parents to teach them about the real world. If the person that we are supporting refuses to listen then at some point you have to let them fend for themselves.

The job of the parent is NOT supporting their children for the rest of their lives. The job legally ends when the child is 18.

Tough Love is not easy on anybody, but in some cases it's the only alternative.

If you can come up with something else that teaches this child to be a productive member of society please feel free to share it with us.
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Old 10-15-2008, 01:32 PM
 
Location: Alaska
5,356 posts, read 17,155,867 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by akck View Post
Put her stuff outside the door. Change the locks.
I should add that just because you do this, it doesn't mean you stop talking to her. The main point is to give her a wake-up call, that her actions or inactions have consequences. So far, it's been a one-sided benefit on her part. She needs to compromise with her parents if she wants to continue living under their roof.
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Old 10-15-2008, 01:51 PM
 
8,415 posts, read 36,902,309 times
Reputation: 6319
What adult could get thier **** together in less than 24 hours? Could you? If some person just locked you out of your house where would you go?

I think you jst need to be logical and real world based and give her 30 days to ship out before resentment builds. Crazy just adds more crazy. And one day YOU are going to be old and needing someone. Dont think the person you forced to be homeless is really going to give a flying **** about you....
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Old 10-15-2008, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
12,285 posts, read 28,655,460 times
Reputation: 5053
Thanks for all the opinions! Apparently you can't just throw anyone out. You have to go to the courthouse and get an eviction notice. Then, they have 30 days to get out.
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Old 10-15-2008, 07:26 PM
 
Location: Wethersfield, CT
1,273 posts, read 3,861,229 times
Reputation: 901
Growing up, one of my best friends father was a cop. At 16 she stayed out all night. When she got home the next day, he took her to his job and made her sit in jail for the same exact amount of time she was gone.

After she graduated high school, she chose not to go to college. She couldn't hold down a job. Her father told her that unless she worked or went to school, she couldn't stay there. She thought he was kidding. After staying out for 2 days she came home and there were nails on the windows. That really affected her.

She ended up joining the service and taking advantage of the education they provided. She's now married and has been all over the world.

Back then, I thought he was being mean, but looking back at it I have a lot of respect for him.
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Old 10-15-2008, 07:59 PM
 
Location: Orlando, Florida
43,856 posts, read 46,309,507 times
Reputation: 58669
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
I have a friend whose daughter is refusing to follow the rules of the house. Kids these days think they know it all! What is the legal way to kick her out in FL?
Maybe your friend should look into one of those one way trips to Nebraska where you are allowed to drop off your kids without legal ramifications.

Seriously, you could try reading around on MyFlorida.com - Home
I sure do understand what your friend is going through. I have an 18 year old who just turned 19, but after running away for a month when she was 17, she came back pregnant. I can't bear to kick her out and the baby not have a home. It's just a messed up situation for parents of teens these days. They do what they want to do, show NO respect and we are stuck holding the bag with the consequences.

I know people are against spanking children, but if I had to do it all over again, I would listen to my mother and not the child experts. I was WAY too lenient and have paid a big price for it.
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Old 10-15-2008, 08:39 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
12,285 posts, read 28,655,460 times
Reputation: 5053
It's just a messed up situation for parents of teens these days. They do what they want to do, show NO respect and we are stuck holding the bag with the consequences.

I know people are against spanking children, but if I had to do it all over again, I would listen to my mother and not the child experts. I was WAY too lenient and have paid a big price for it.[/quote]

Boy do I agree with you!
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