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Old 12-01-2010, 01:41 AM
 
3,573 posts, read 6,075,039 times
Reputation: 3454

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Quote:
Originally Posted by azoria View Post
Fiddlesticks.

Tough love? What happened to family commitment? When did it become ok to send your own 18 year old daughter out into the streets? And why in gods name would this seem even remotely like a good idea?

It sounds like there is a power struggle? An uncooperative 18 year old daughter who refuses to abide by household rules. So the parents determine that the path to 'winning' is to unload the unrepentant child into homelessness. Tough love my a$s, this is abandonment and worse, pushing a young foolish girl into a very dangerous and precarious predicament. And if this ensues--who is the winner??? What is victory worth when your child is out homeless on the street?

That is just stupid contemporary psychobabble. You don't abandon family members like that, much less your own children. Family is the foundation of culture and country and civilization. Just because there is a belligerent child in the home is no excuse for that kind of inhumanity and abandonment. Especially for a young vulnerable girl.

I don't know what the fix is, but I DO KNOW that throwing family members out the door benefits none of the players here. Perhaps there is some kind of family counseling or remediation that can be found. Perhaps the parents can stifle their frustration for a time while this girl finishes growing up.

I utterly and completely repudiate the nonsense social babble of *tough love*. We need to take care of our own. Even when they are despicable and difficult. When they are old and infirm. When they are tiny infants and unbearably irritating. Responsible adults respond to crisis with reason and caring and thought and purpose. They don't just get fed up and throw their kids out of the house.

It's not ok.
I completely agree with this statement. You can't kick out a 18 y.o. because they won't listen to you. She's not a child anymore so you need to sit down with her and tell her what you expect from her and talk to her like an adult not a child.
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Old 12-01-2010, 01:49 AM
 
3,573 posts, read 6,075,039 times
Reputation: 3454
Quote:
Originally Posted by pandorafan5687 View Post
I don't think I would have ever spoken to my mom again if I had gotten this type of treatment.

I feel bad for you but since you're so young, you have your whole life ahead of you to learn how to be in healthy relationships. Unfortunately, I would cut ties with your family especially your mom and find good friends that will become family. I wouldn't trust your family anymore so to me, I wouldn't be around them. You sounds like you've learned alot from your experience and you're doing fantastic now with having a stable home life and going to college.
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Old 12-01-2010, 02:18 AM
 
1,496 posts, read 2,285,168 times
Reputation: 752
Discipline the child slowly, can not be used harsh methods to educate children.
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Old 12-01-2010, 07:57 AM
 
Location: Southwest Louisiana
3,069 posts, read 2,858,337 times
Reputation: 886
In your case I think the only way to forgive her and heal from this is to sever ties w/ her.
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Old 12-09-2010, 08:49 AM
 
2 posts, read 2,488 times
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I am lost and I have never posted a thing like this before. I am not ok with my daughter being homeless, hungry and vulnerable, but I CANNOT continue with life the way it is going at home now. I have 3 teenage girls and my middle one is the challenge. I admit I over compenstated for her when she was sexually assaulted at an early age and gave into her. I am paying for that (what I thought was love) action now. She is 19 and lazy, disrespectful, thinking life owes her. I am at the end of my rope. Anyone got a magic wand? She has a free ride here-free food, free heat, electric, water. She is asked to do very little and the mouth on her could melt icebergs! Can someone guide me, give me suggestions what to do or require from her?
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Old 12-09-2010, 08:51 AM
 
Location: maryland
3,966 posts, read 6,399,994 times
Reputation: 1729
Quote:
Originally Posted by gfoltz View Post
I am lost and I have never posted a thing like this before. I am not ok with my daughter being homeless, hungry and vulnerable, but I CANNOT continue with life the way it is going at home now. I have 3 teenage girls and my middle one is the challenge. I admit I over compenstated for her when she was sexually assaulted at an early age and gave into her. I am paying for that (what I thought was love) action now. She is 19 and lazy, disrespectful, thinking life owes her. I am at the end of my rope. Anyone got a magic wand? She has a free ride here-free food, free heat, electric, water. She is asked to do very little and the mouth on her could melt icebergs! Can someone guide me, give me suggestions what to do or require from her?

Cut off all her privileges besides basic food...and tell her if she wants anything extra she has to work for it.
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Old 12-09-2010, 06:30 PM
 
2 posts, read 2,488 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paganmama80 View Post
Cut off all her privileges besides basic food...and tell her if she wants anything extra she has to work for it.
We give her no money. I am unemployed and she has a part time (very part time). She does not have a drivers license because our rule is they have to have a 3.0 in school for us to put them on our insurance and she never applied herself to achieve that-when she is so capable! So age 19 almost 20 and no drivers license. But she is resourceful and finds others to take her where she needs. What other priviledges can I take away? She goes no where except to college (which she dropped one class, failed another after being caught plagerizing). Other than that she pretty much hangs in her room or goes to her boyfriends occassionally. The situation at his home is so bad, she does not want to stay there-she prefers the free ride she has here. Listen to me babbling on and on. I love my daughter, but I don't like her. I tried to raise all of them to be responsible and her older sister is a TOTAL 180 from her. I am lost! It was so bad today, I thought things I am ashamed to say. But it would be so much more peaceful for me in the next life
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Old 12-09-2010, 08:38 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 10,907,451 times
Reputation: 19510
Quote:
Originally Posted by gfoltz View Post
I am lost and I have never posted a thing like this before. I am not ok with my daughter being homeless, hungry and vulnerable, but I CANNOT continue with life the way it is going at home now. I have 3 teenage girls and my middle one is the challenge. I admit I over compenstated for her when she was sexually assaulted at an early age and gave into her. I am paying for that (what I thought was love) action now. She is 19 and lazy, disrespectful, thinking life owes her. I am at the end of my rope. Anyone got a magic wand? She has a free ride here-free food, free heat, electric, water. She is asked to do very little and the mouth on her could melt icebergs! Can someone guide me, give me suggestions what to do or require from her?
I'd be drawing up a contract, big time. "These are the things which will ensure you have a roof over your head. Fail to honor the contract and you will be finding another place to live." You need to STICK to the contract or she won't take you seriously! She's over 18 and doesn't need your permission to get a drivers' license, there is however, the issue of a car and insurance. If she's not in college then she needs to get a full-time job, even flipping burgers. If she needs counselling, there are organizations out there who will provide it for her at no cost, due to her income. Many people have been sexually assaulted and abused, you can't ride that excuse forever.
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:58 AM
 
Location: maryland
3,966 posts, read 6,399,994 times
Reputation: 1729
Quote:
Originally Posted by gfoltz View Post
We give her no money. I am unemployed and she has a part time (very part time). She does not have a drivers license because our rule is they have to have a 3.0 in school for us to put them on our insurance and she never applied herself to achieve that-when she is so capable! So age 19 almost 20 and no drivers license. But she is resourceful and finds others to take her where she needs. What other priviledges can I take away? She goes no where except to college (which she dropped one class, failed another after being caught plagerizing). Other than that she pretty much hangs in her room or goes to her boyfriends occassionally. The situation at his home is so bad, she does not want to stay there-she prefers the free ride she has here. Listen to me babbling on and on. I love my daughter, but I don't like her. I tried to raise all of them to be responsible and her older sister is a TOTAL 180 from her. I am lost! It was so bad today, I thought things I am ashamed to say. But it would be so much more peaceful for me in the next life
What beachmel said is very very good. Or if you pay for school tell her part of you doing that is her earning her keep and if not she can pay for it herself.
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Old 12-10-2010, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Southwest Louisiana
3,069 posts, read 2,858,337 times
Reputation: 886
Quote:
Originally Posted by gfoltz View Post
We give her no money. I am unemployed and she has a part time (very part time). She does not have a drivers license because our rule is they have to have a 3.0 in school for us to put them on our insurance and she never applied herself to achieve that-when she is so capable! So age 19 almost 20 and no drivers license. But she is resourceful and finds others to take her where she needs. What other priviledges can I take away? She goes no where except to college (which she dropped one class, failed another after being caught plagerizing). Other than that she pretty much hangs in her room or goes to her boyfriends occassionally. The situation at his home is so bad, she does not want to stay there-she prefers the free ride she has here. Listen to me babbling on and on. I love my daughter, but I don't like her. I tried to raise all of them to be responsible and her older sister is a TOTAL 180 from her. I am lost! It was so bad today, I thought things I am ashamed to say. But it would be so much more peaceful for me in the next life

That's what the "friend" that I'm dealing w/ right now is. I had to begin ignoring his phone calls b/c they'd always be about nothing, or I'd rush over to the apartment thinking that something was wrong, then it would be bull****! He has a million excuses for each family member and why he can't stay w/ any of them and then as soon as he gets a job he quits it(I'm doubting he even had that job that he claimed to have to begin with). I'm w/ you on this one, you give them one mile, they want five. Sometimes, a reality check is just what they need. His roomate doesnt even really want him at the apartment and does not even allow him to stay there when he's not home. His neighbor has just about had it w/ him b/c he will not own up to his responsibilities. We keep telling him to go get his food stamp card so that he can eat, but he refuses, he does everything else he wants to do but he can't get his stupid ass in that line. He knows where the office is, and what time he needs to get there before that line gets too big.

You say the mouth on your daughter could melt an iceberg, If I said some of those things to my dad, he'd be in jail. I would not have any teeth. My dad says if I can talk to him like a grown man, I can get beat like one. You need to take that method w/ your daughter. If she can talk to you like a grown women, she can get beat like one, if she doesnt like it, then show her the door. Sometimes, tough love(or just letting them bump their head and let them lie in the hard bed that they made) is the only option left.
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