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Old 08-31-2011, 11:35 AM
 
2 posts, read 2,273 times
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I am just getting mad reading the things everyone writing! I have a 17 yr old that her father Kidknapped her at 6 yrs old and returned her at 12. She had so much resentment towards me and her brother. I have had nothing but trouble with her from the law and still has a 4th grade education. I have tried so hard to get her to work on a GED. She has no use for it. Well she went to spend the summer with a friend and told me she would rather sleep couch to couch than live by my rules. So i gave her a car and a pre paid cell so i know where she is. She has wrecked the car twice this month. I have bought new tires and rims, radiator and alternator. she got the car back this last Saturday. I went to her house to pick her up and there was no answer. I noticed the car was wrecked yet again. I took the plates with me and now selling the car to a junk yard to get my money back I have put into it this month. Did i mention the car is in my name. I then realized I have to enforce tough love. She called me the worse names I have ever been called and told me I fu#@ed her. So I have told her call me when she understands.

So for you that say tough love is not the way. You are out of your minds. And dont tell me she needs therapy she has had plenty of it. it is just how she is a USER!
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Old 08-31-2011, 11:41 AM
 
2 posts, read 2,273 times
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Read my post... It is almost the same thing. I understand what you are going through. The other kids suffer from them. My son calls his sister "your daughter". He does not even clam her. Her father who took her and dropped her off disowned her. I finally told her to leave me alone. She will be 18 in 2 wks.
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Old 08-31-2011, 01:22 PM
 
14,323 posts, read 11,726,206 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by azoria View Post
Fiddlesticks.

Tough love? What happened to family commitment? When did it become ok to send your own 18 year old daughter out into the streets? And why in gods name would this seem even remotely like a good idea?
Because forcing her to take responsibility for herself is good for her. The real trouble is that if she is this much of a *******, the parents probably had some discipline issues all along.

Quote:
It's not ok.
Worked wonders for my ******* brother. He is completely de-schmuchified.
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Old 08-31-2011, 06:25 PM
 
18,845 posts, read 34,688,950 times
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Just throwing someone out, is not parenting. However, making a plan, and discussing what is going to occur is responsible. Prior to the "event", discuss options, Military, Job Corps, start looking at appropriate living situations, discuss finances, and assist with the move. I had to do tough love with one of my sons, and he was well aware of the expectations for living in my home, he broke those rules, and when I packed his stuff, he literally could not believe I was following thru with the plan. He thought he could just continue his lifestyle, with no consequences. It did not work that way. That is why, if you do make an ultimatum, like..shape up, or you are gone, you better have a plan of where you are going to send them...you really can't just throw a child out in the street, or drop him off at a homeless shelter...no matter how much you want to...
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Old 08-31-2011, 09:01 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 11,973,471 times
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I think it's very short-sighted and unempathetic when people BLAME parents (usually the mother . . . are people aware there is a syndrome called "mother blaming" in psychological literature?) but I digress . . . I think it is just sad when the parent gets blamed for another human being's actions and character. We are all unique snowflakes . . . Gibran's quote about ". . . Your children are not your children . . ." would fit well here.

Every human being is responsible for their own actions. Period. Please don't blame the parents who have bent over backwards to raise the ungrateful brats and have tried everything under the sun to deal with the problems the troublemakers have caused . . . some people (the "kids") just don't give a crap. Maybe they will grow up and grow out of it, but until then, please give the parents the benefit of the doubt.
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Old 08-31-2011, 09:07 PM
 
14,323 posts, read 11,726,206 times
Reputation: 17797
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
Just throwing someone out, is not parenting. However, making a plan, and discussing what is going to occur is responsible. Prior to the "event", discuss options, Military, Job Corps, start looking at appropriate living situations, discuss finances, and assist with the move. I had to do tough love with one of my sons, and he was well aware of the expectations for living in my home, he broke those rules, and when I packed his stuff, he literally could not believe I was following thru with the plan. He thought he could just continue his lifestyle, with no consequences. It did not work that way. That is why, if you do make an ultimatum, like..shape up, or you are gone, you better have a plan of where you are going to send them...you really can't just throw a child out in the street, or drop him off at a homeless shelter...no matter how much you want to...
This is good advice.
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Old 09-01-2011, 05:39 AM
 
2,516 posts, read 4,900,073 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
He is completely de-schmuchified.
I LOVE this word.... de-schmuchified! I'm filing it away in my brain with "gut malls" another prize word first uttered here.
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Old 09-03-2011, 10:57 AM
 
47,528 posts, read 65,024,430 times
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I haven't thrown any out yet, but I do keep reminding them before they're 18 that the big day is coming and also after they're 18 that they reached it.

That way they understand if they don't like the rules of my home (and they aren't overly strict) that they are free to go. I also try to keep reminding them that they will be an adult and need to brace themselves for that, prepare to make it on their own.

I let them know that anything they get from me after their 18th birthday is pure gift, I'm no longer obligated in any way, but I still care about them and I let them eat my food and live in my house still.
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Old 09-03-2011, 12:46 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,883 posts, read 71,365,352 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Robhu View Post
My wife and I raised 6 kids.
When my oldest son was almost 18 he got to thinking he didn't have to live by the house rules and he didn't like the discipline.
He wanted to "get outa here" and live a more exiting life.
One night he went too far and I kicked him out and put all his personal belongings on the sidewalk.
A couple weeks later he ask if he could come back home.
I said this is always your home as long as you respect it as such and act responsible and have some respect for your family and our family values.
A few months later he joined the Air Force.
When he came home from basic he told me that getting tough with him was the best thing I ever did. He said it made him realize that he was reponsible for his own actions and that life wasn't just a party.
Now he is 31 yrs old and has a good job at a local hospital repairing hospital equipment and makes good money.
He has a wife and two kids and they bought a nice house 3 years ago.
Two days ago we had a birthday party for his 4 yr old daughter at his house. ( My adorable grandaughter)
He is still in the Air Force active reserve.
The way he takes care of his family, the way he has taken lifes challenges and served our country, the way his life has turned out and the way he has become a responsible adult makes me real proud.
He might have turned out this way whether or not I showed tough love way back when.
But according to him it was a wake up call that got his attention as to what was important in life and what he needed to do to set his life on a different and better course.
When he was 18 he hated me.
Now we are as close as a father and son can be. We do things together and enjoy the time we spend doing those things.
I've always believed you have to a parent first.
The friendship will come later if you do your job as a parent.
At least in my case it has worked out that way
I'm so glad it did.
I love all my kids. They are all doing well and have made me proud to be their Dad.
Two are in the Military or active reserve.
One is a school teacher.
One is still in college.
The 2 oldest daughters have kids and families of their own.
It isn't like we had a lot of money. I worked all my life on an hourly wage. There was no silver spoon.
My kids got to where they are by hard work, and mostly doing it on their own because we taught them to not give up.
I hope it had something to do with discipline and encouragement and example.
You are obviously a wonderful dad and have been a leader for your family. I commend you. I especially like what you relayed about a parent being a parent first - and friendship can always come later. Very true.
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Old 09-04-2011, 12:05 PM
 
574 posts, read 988,359 times
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No one ever said being a parent is easy. I am so glad that I found this site and this post as it is something I have been going through with my 18 year old the last few months. It breaks my heart to look at family pictures with him when he was young and so loving and to realize what he has become now. He screwed around so much in high school that he did not graduate. Got his gf of two years pregnant, turned 18, did not graduate or go to prom and found out he was selling pot all in the same week. His gf (now ex) got an abortion and a month later broke up with him. We kicked him out after finding a bag of pot in the car I bought him and insured and other paraphenalia of a drug seller. Through everything out including him. He had been forewarned way before this that this would be the action taken if he ever did this. He spent one night at a friend's house and then promised never to do that again..that he was trying to get quick money for the abortion which was $600.
We let him back home. About a month later he left his FB on and read a conversation with others that he was selling something else. I felt as if I had been stabbed in the heart. He was out at the time, so I told his ex what he did...she knew..kicked him out again and left his things at the front door. Long story short...after crying on the phone with me after repeatedly calling and not picking up to talk to him, he admitted he had a problem, was extremely depressed and needed me. I still did not want him back. He had no car, no money, no job and was going to summer school to get his diploma. My husband was the one who couldn't live with him being out on the streets. My son agreed to everything we said he had to do in order to come back which was drug counseling in an outpatient facility, seeing his own therapist and possibly anti depressants. Within days after letting him back his ex let me know that he was talking suicide and she was scared. Me too. With advice of different professional sources, we took him to the emergency room with a story of getting him drug tested. We wanted to get him evaluated professionally to see if he was a danger to himself or anyone else but he fought it, tried to runaway, but was stopped. He spent the night in the psch ward voluntarily, got out the next day after convincing the Dr. he had a plan to get better (the one we agreed on) and checked out. Long story short....he told me two weeks later when it was time to start outpatient drug counseling that he wasn't going, didn't have a problem, only agreed to everything to come home and not argue with me. Another stab in the heart. We have attempted to kick him out three times now and let him back after false promises were made. He is still here, starting Jr. College this week, put him back on insurance because he also got a job, but he has been verbally abusive to me now when he doesn't get his way. If he doesn't stay in college and get good grades, stay at his job, or has more issues with drugs, he is gone, period. He is a master manipulator and liar. I don't trust anything he says and it has made me old with worry. Please don't tell me that having a plan is the answer because they will say anything to have a roof, free food and a soft place to land instead of the streets, couches at friends and no love.
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