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Old 09-04-2011, 01:16 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 11,957,873 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bbekity View Post
No one ever said being a parent is easy. I am so glad that I found this site and this post as it is something I have been going through with my 18 year old the last few months. It breaks my heart to look at family pictures with him when he was young and so loving and to realize what he has become now. He screwed around so much in high school that he did not graduate. Got his gf of two years pregnant, turned 18, did not graduate or go to prom and found out he was selling pot all in the same week. His gf (now ex) got an abortion and a month later broke up with him. We kicked him out after finding a bag of pot in the car I bought him and insured and other paraphenalia of a drug seller. Through everything out including him. He had been forewarned way before this that this would be the action taken if he ever did this. He spent one night at a friend's house and then promised never to do that again..that he was trying to get quick money for the abortion which was $600.
We let him back home. About a month later he left his FB on and read a conversation with others that he was selling something else. I felt as if I had been stabbed in the heart. He was out at the time, so I told his ex what he did...she knew..kicked him out again and left his things at the front door. Long story short...after crying on the phone with me after repeatedly calling and not picking up to talk to him, he admitted he had a problem, was extremely depressed and needed me. I still did not want him back. He had no car, no money, no job and was going to summer school to get his diploma. My husband was the one who couldn't live with him being out on the streets. My son agreed to everything we said he had to do in order to come back which was drug counseling in an outpatient facility, seeing his own therapist and possibly anti depressants. Within days after letting him back his ex let me know that he was talking suicide and she was scared. Me too. With advice of different professional sources, we took him to the emergency room with a story of getting him drug tested. We wanted to get him evaluated professionally to see if he was a danger to himself or anyone else but he fought it, tried to runaway, but was stopped. He spent the night in the psch ward voluntarily, got out the next day after convincing the Dr. he had a plan to get better (the one we agreed on) and checked out. Long story short....he told me two weeks later when it was time to start outpatient drug counseling that he wasn't going, didn't have a problem, only agreed to everything to come home and not argue with me. Another stab in the heart. We have attempted to kick him out three times now and let him back after false promises were made. He is still here, starting Jr. College this week, put him back on insurance because he also got a job, but he has been verbally abusive to me now when he doesn't get his way. If he doesn't stay in college and get good grades, stay at his job, or has more issues with drugs, he is gone, period. He is a master manipulator and liar. I don't trust anything he says and it has made me old with worry. Please don't tell me that having a plan is the answer because they will say anything to have a roof, free food and a soft place to land instead of the streets, couches at friends and no love.
I really feel for you and know exactly what you mean about feeling "stabbed in the heart." Have you thought of getting support for yourselves in counseling or maybe in Alanon? There are also online support groups (Sober Recovery Forum is one, but I think there are others) . . .

Liar, manipulator, abuser with a bad track record . . .I personally believe in prayer but I think you need to take care of yourselves number one before anything else . . .I wish you the very best.

I would say not to dwell on the past, but don't forget it either and don't hide your head in the sand or go into denial (easy to do because you want to believe he is on the right track, which he very well may be - but keep your eyes open).

When he admitted to lying to get back in the house, did he see anything wrong with that in terms of your feelings? Was he remorseful?

I think what I am learning about people is that some people just don't give a crap about others . . . would he do the same kindnesses for you that you have extended to him?
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Old 09-04-2011, 02:43 PM
 
574 posts, read 987,329 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
I really feel for you and know exactly what you mean about feeling "stabbed in the heart." Have you thought of getting support for yourselves in counseling or maybe in Alanon? There are also online support groups (Sober Recovery Forum is one, but I think there are others) . . .

Liar, manipulator, abuser with a bad track record . . .I personally believe in prayer but I think you need to take care of yourselves number one before anything else . . .I wish you the very best.

I would say not to dwell on the past, but don't forget it either and don't hide your head in the sand or go into denial (easy to do because you want to believe he is on the right track, which he very well may be - but keep your eyes open).

When he admitted to lying to get back in the house, did he see anything wrong with that in terms of your feelings? Was he remorseful?

I think what I am learning about people is that some people just don't give a crap about others . . . would he do the same kindnesses for you that you have extended to him?
First, thank you for not judging me. Was afraid posting such a personal story. Alanon has been suggested to me by all of my friends but something is blocking me from going. Maybe I am in denial that he has a drug problem because I haven't seen him obviously high or what I believe a high person acts like. Maybe he is really good at maintaining himself or...he doesn't have a drug problem as in has to do it daily but maybe occasionally does pot. I'm working on it and have a therapist but feel silly sometimes going on about my life. I feel like I get more out of talking with my friends that are brutally honest. He did apologize to me today for being so rude to me lately and attributed it to all of his friends moving on and going to college, knowing he messed up, scared of Jr. College and knowing is ex left town for college and couldn't say good bye. I told him plain and simply that I will not tolerate his disrespect for me and that he will not be welcome here any longer if he continues, period. I also explained what was expected of him in school, work, and home to keep his car or any driving priviledges.
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Old 09-04-2011, 03:24 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 11,957,873 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bbekity View Post
First, thank you for not judging me. Was afraid posting such a personal story. Alanon has been suggested to me by all of my friends but something is blocking me from going. Maybe I am in denial that he has a drug problem because I haven't seen him obviously high or what I believe a high person acts like. Maybe he is really good at maintaining himself or...he doesn't have a drug problem as in has to do it daily but maybe occasionally does pot. I'm working on it and have a therapist but feel silly sometimes going on about my life. I feel like I get more out of talking with my friends that are brutally honest. He did apologize to me today for being so rude to me lately and attributed it to all of his friends moving on and going to college, knowing he messed up, scared of Jr. College and knowing is ex left town for college and couldn't say good bye. I told him plain and simply that I will not tolerate his disrespect for me and that he will not be welcome here any longer if he continues, period. I also explained what was expected of him in school, work, and home to keep his car or any driving priviledges.
Hopefully, he was going through a rocky or experimental phase and will tow the line now . . .it sounds like he is starting to wake up, re: having regrets and apologizing to you. I think you are smart in having very firm boundaries with him.

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Old 09-05-2011, 08:51 AM
 
Location: Western North Carolina
6,001 posts, read 8,905,568 times
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As the parent of two teens myself, don't you just love pat, black and white answers some people give? Usually this is from people who have not experienced raising teenagers, are have been lucky enought to have easy, compliant ones.

Part of the problem right now is this terrible economy.

It's easy to say just make your child get out on their own and get a "full-time job flipping burgers". Anyone read the papers lately? There are middle-aged people with 30 years of solid work experience that can't get full-time jobs flipping burgers. Are there people who actually believe a minimum wage job is going to put a roof over someones head and groceries on the table these days? What about transportation to and from a job. Looked at the cost of used cars out there, car insurance, etc? This isn't the 1950's. Even the Military and Job Corps do not take high-school drop outs anymore, so that old standy doesn't fly.

Tough Love? Lay down the house rules? Just that easy, huh. I have an uncle that is a Chief of Police and can't get his own child under control. I've seen good, responsible parents that have rotten children, and slacker, alcholic parents whose kids turn out fantastic. Maybe responsible parents do TOO much sometimes.

With my two on the edge of adulthood right now, I struggle daily with what is helping and being supportive, and what is enabling. I want them to be happy, but I want to be happy too. I have decided that when it doesn't feel good "in my gut", it is enabling.

I have older relatives whose problem teens, and now adult children have drained them and ruined them financially, emotionally, and physically. Part of the problem is that they deny the fact that their child has no regard for the toll they have taken on them, and they remain in denial, making no effort to protect themselves. One Aunt has a child that continues to steal her money, checkbook, credit cards, medications, etc. This happens over and over. Huh? Why is it accesible then? Is it fear? We bring children into this world, and then fear them? Not I. Not in this lifetime.
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Old 09-05-2011, 10:19 AM
 
574 posts, read 987,329 times
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Had a really calm and informative conversation with my son last night after a pretty stressful night. I am glad that out of that stressful night some enlightenment came between my son and I. Because he kept most of his experiences to himself I would usually imagine the worst like if he slept over at a friends house or if he was out all day into the night, but after talking with him he allowed me in to see that he really has made changes in the last few months, has been truthful about where he has been and what he has done and that he knows he messed up big time not doing well in high school which left him watching his friends eventually moving on to great colleges mostly out of state while he will be going to Jr. College. He also admitted that he knows this is his chance to change and move on with his life.
He went to a block party held by parents of one of his best friends yesterday. Apparently his friend was drinking and was later picked up by the police after being seen at a elementary school hanging out with another friend late at night. My son and his new female friend had been there also but had left to take a walk together leaving the drunk friend at the school. Unfortunetly, my car was left at the school too and was going to get towed if it wasn't moved soon. In our town, the police were nice enough to show up at our house at 12:30 am to let me know about my car and to call the police to get more details on where it was to pick it up before it was towed. Pissed doesn't describe how I felt. Once my husband and I arrived at the school, only the police were there letting us know my son and the girl were gone and his other two friends were picked up by the parent's leaving my car all by itself. There were no signs saying it was illegal to park on the property either. I was thinking the worst of course that my son and this girl left the scene drunk and left their possessions in my car. Ultimately my son and the girl had walked to his friends house as they were afraid when they saw the police cars coming back from their walk. He called to let me know he was ok and I let him know how worried the girls father was and to have her call him. He was later driven home by the drunk boys Dad who happens to be the head honcho of a large correctional facility territory! My son was not drunk or high and was very remorseful for worrying us and for leaving the car. This was the part that got me though. His friend's parents know their son drinks...it's what kids do in high school? They were "disappointed" that this happened. His blood alcohol level was .09....disappointed???????? The police told me most parents have the "kids will be kids" attitude I spoke of before and don't set limits for them. Anyway, a good ending to a stressful evening.
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Old 09-05-2011, 10:43 AM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 11,957,873 times
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I don't know what the actual statistics are, but when I was in high school a very long time ago, the kids I hung out with drank. I don't think anything has changed. I think there is a lot of drinking in high school and it is seen as a right of passage . . . not sure what can be done about that.

It is also complicated that "kids" are technically adults at 18, can smoke and join the service, but can't legally drink till 21. Of course 18, 19 and 20 year-olds drink! Everyone knows it . . .I don't know what you can do except tell your son what you expect from him and have some kind of reasonable understanding of what the culture permits.
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Old 09-05-2011, 11:12 AM
 
14,323 posts, read 11,704,264 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by montanamom View Post
As the parent of two teens myself, don't you just love pat, black and white answers some people give? Usually this is from people who have not experienced raising teenagers, are have been lucky enought to have easy, compliant ones.

Part of the problem right now is this terrible economy.

It's easy to say just make your child get out on their own and get a "full-time job flipping burgers". Anyone read the papers lately? There are middle-aged people with 30 years of solid work experience that can't get full-time jobs flipping burgers.
Huh, it must be different geographically. Walmart, MCDonald's, convenience stores all have help wanted signs up here. One of the problems I have read in the paper is that people with "30 years experience" are on unemployment looking for work only in their own field *turning down paid work*.

In any event, I don't see what that has to do with allowing an out of hand, irresponsible person of the legal age to run amok on the parent's dime. If the kid can't live according to the rules of the house, the kid can't live in the house.

Just my opinion.

Quote:
Are there people who actually believe a minimum wage job is going to put a roof over someones head and groceries on the table these days?
It can be done. Little prince or princess isn't gonna have a 3 bedroom house complete with an XBox. But they will learn the value of money then.

Quote:
What about transportation to and from a job. Looked at the cost of used cars out there, car insurance, etc?
Yah what about it? Fundamentally not the parent's problem. It SHOULD be the person's responsibility who is of legal age. If they want a free ride, and Mom and Dad want to offer them a free ride, then it is THEIR responsibility to live by Mom and Dad's rules.
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Old 09-27-2011, 01:01 PM
 
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i think she should stay with her parentz nd chll 4 abit then go wen shez redy 2 gt married and liv on her own
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Old 09-28-2011, 09:34 AM
 
10,452 posts, read 11,571,985 times
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Just make sure it's a reasonable reason to kick her out. My parents kicked me out with the ultimatum: "If you don't get your vision back..." (For the weekend, and I came back, but it was very clear they weren't interested in me being around them as long as I was blind so I moved in with my girlfriend at the time.)
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Old 09-28-2011, 10:42 AM
 
17,045 posts, read 20,278,927 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nimchimpsky View Post
Just make sure it's a reasonable reason to kick her out. My parents kicked me out with the ultimatum: "If you don't get your vision back..." (For the weekend, and I came back, but it was very clear they weren't interested in me being around them as long as I was blind so I moved in with my girlfriend at the time.)
How in the world would that work? Were they expecting you to find a cure?
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