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Old 10-15-2008, 09:41 PM
 
Location: Broward County
2,517 posts, read 10,425,751 times
Reputation: 1376

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This is the problem with America...kicking kids out at 18 because you have basically "given up" and can't hack it as a parent. This is why today's youth loves to get into trouble, loves abusing drugs and alcohol and has hatred in their heart. If my parents kicked me out when I was 18, believe me...I would have an agenda against the world. Tell your friend to be a real parent. 18 is way too young...18 is when kids need their parents the most for guidance, nurturing and support.
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Old 10-15-2008, 11:02 PM
 
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
8,307 posts, read 36,826,297 times
Reputation: 7144
Quote:
Originally Posted by azoria View Post
Fiddlesticks.

Tough love? What happened to family commitment? When did it become ok to send your own 18 year old daughter out into the streets? And why in gods name would this seem even remotely like a good idea?

It sounds like there is a power struggle? An uncooperative 18 year old daughter who refuses to abide by household rules. So the parents determine that the path to 'winning' is to unload the unrepentant child into homelessness. Tough love my a$s, this is abandonment and worse, pushing a young foolish girl into a very dangerous and precarious predicament. And if this ensues--who is the winner??? What is victory worth when your child is out homeless on the street?

That is just stupid contemporary psychobabble. You don't abandon family members like that, much less your own children. Family is the foundation of culture and country and civilization. Just because there is a belligerent child in the home is no excuse for that kind of inhumanity and abandonment. Especially for a young vulnerable girl.

I don't know what the fix is, but I DO KNOW that throwing family members out the door benefits none of the players here. Perhaps there is some kind of family counseling or remediation that can be found. Perhaps the parents can stifle their frustration for a time while this girl finishes growing up.

I utterly and completely repudiate the nonsense social babble of *tough love*. We need to take care of our own. Even when they are despicable and difficult. When they are old and infirm. When they are tiny infants and unbearably irritating. Responsible adults respond to crisis with reason and caring and thought and purpose. They don't just get fed up and throw their kids out of the house.

It's not ok.
I'm hearing a lot of passion, but no alternatives and no solutions here. Here in the real world, there ARE situations that make ejecting your young adult child from the home ok. Teaching your kids that there are no consequences for total rebellion and bad decisions IS abandoning them.

Different kids are motivated different ways. I needed more than nurture. If there wasn't a coercive authority alongside the loving authority I would have walked all over my parents and never would have learned anything other than "my parents are pushovers." That's not every kid, but it is a lot of them.
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Old 10-16-2008, 06:30 AM
 
Location: USA
1,952 posts, read 4,453,502 times
Reputation: 2214
I do believe our first responsibility, as parents, is to equip our children to be successful adults.
With the 18-year-old girl who will not follow house rules, putting her out on the street - while certainly "tough love" - I would not do simply for safety reasons.
An 18-y.o. girl, alone and without income, is not safe. She would be prime pickin's for any number of predators. Teaching someone a lesson at the cost of their personal safety isn't a good idea. JMHO
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Old 10-18-2008, 01:24 PM
 
8,413 posts, read 37,464,735 times
Reputation: 6328
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundance View Post
I do believe our first responsibility, as parents, is to equip our children to be successful adults.
With the 18-year-old girl who will not follow house rules, putting her out on the street - while certainly "tough love" - I would not do simply for safety reasons.
An 18-y.o. girl, alone and without income, is not safe. She would be prime pickin's for any number of predators. Teaching someone a lesson at the cost of their personal safety isn't a good idea. JMHO
Well said.
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Old 12-21-2009, 02:54 PM
 
1 posts, read 27,542 times
Reputation: 12
Sundance,

I hope this thread is not too old and you get this. I love a man with all the answers.

So here is the situation. 20 year old step-daughter who has not job, does not want one. Has reached the point that if she gets any money at all she will add yet one more tattoo to her collection. If you spike her in any way she will disappear for days at a time. She has stolen out credit cards and ran up $5K in debt. She can't be trusted to stay at home alone as she will have friends come over and "The party is on". She currently get a place to sleep and food on the table. No cell phone, no car, no transportation.

If we just keep the status quo ;"putting our lives on hold as we can't go anwhere or do anything without her (which due to the piercings and tattoos' is very awkward), will she just snap out of it one day?

Greg

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundance View Post
I do believe our first responsibility, as parents, is to equip our children to be successful adults.
With the 18-year-old girl who will not follow house rules, putting her out on the street - while certainly "tough love" - I would not do simply for safety reasons.
An 18-y.o. girl, alone and without income, is not safe. She would be prime pickin's for any number of predators. Teaching someone a lesson at the cost of their personal safety isn't a good idea. JMHO
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Old 12-21-2009, 03:36 PM
 
2,790 posts, read 5,986,577 times
Reputation: 1947
Every time my kids threatened to run away or move out, I told them I would help them pack their bags as soon as they had a plan. As much as I would miss them, their happiness was more important and if being somewhere else would make them happy, so be it. They had to find a place to live where they would be safe. Moving in under an overpass was not acceptable. I handed them my personal phone book and the phone reciever and let them have at it. After any number of relatives told them how good they had it and ought to appreciate their parents, they always straightened up. One is career military and the other one is deciding while he attends college. Sometimes the "threat' of tough love is sufficient.
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Old 12-22-2009, 04:46 PM
 
Location: On the Ohio River in Western, KY
3,388 posts, read 6,190,557 times
Reputation: 3361
Quote:
Originally Posted by Granny Sue View Post
I could not disagree with you more. But unless a young adult learns not to be a disrepectful moocher this person will be this way for the rest of her life.

Children at 18 think they know everything. It's up to us as parents to teach them about the real world. If the person that we are supporting refuses to listen then at some point you have to let them fend for themselves.

The job of the parent is NOT supporting their children for the rest of their lives. The job legally ends when the child is 18.

Tough Love is not easy on anybody, but in some cases it's the only alternative.

If you can come up with something else that teaches this child to be a productive member of society please feel free to share it with us.
I agree 110%!

I watch my BIL mootch off everyone, not keep a job for more than a week or 2 tops, go back and forth with drugs (any drugs, he's not picky), and steal from whomever will let him in their house.

If he would have been sat down and treated a bit more harshly at 18, I think he would have turned out differently.

I left home at age 17 (for college), and I have never moved back home. I am ok with the fact I might have to move back in to take care of my parents at some point, but that is for a whole nother reason, and IMO there is nothing wrong with that.
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Old 12-22-2009, 05:58 PM
 
6,764 posts, read 20,878,194 times
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The thing is, unless your kids sudden (at 18) develop a drug habit or some other issue this is a long time coming (kid having no respect).

It starts as little kids. You make them do chores and earn things above 'basic needs.' You have to impart to them that they are not 'entitled' nor do you give in to them whining and crying for the latest 'game device' as soon as it comes out. You don't let them think they DESERVE their own tv, computer or car 'just because.'

You explain to them that 'just because' they want things they cannot simply 'have them' without working for them.

It's not laughing when the kid at 8 says 'shut up' to your spouse and you think it's cute...it won't be cute at 18...

It's about not raising your kids on a pedestal where they think the sun and the moon revolve around them.

Like I say, you don't suddenly have discipline problems at 18 (discounting drugs). They start much younger...

I'm sorry for your friend but she must have some sort of hand in the child's behavior.
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Old 12-22-2009, 07:55 PM
 
43,011 posts, read 100,458,245 times
Reputation: 30547
Quote:
Originally Posted by greglwood View Post
Sundance,

I hope this thread is not too old and you get this. I love a man with all the answers.

So here is the situation. 20 year old step-daughter who has not job, does not want one. Has reached the point that if she gets any money at all she will add yet one more tattoo to her collection. If you spike her in any way she will disappear for days at a time. She has stolen out credit cards and ran up $5K in debt. She can't be trusted to stay at home alone as she will have friends come over and "The party is on". She currently get a place to sleep and food on the table. No cell phone, no car, no transportation.

If we just keep the status quo ;"putting our lives on hold as we can't go anwhere or do anything without her (which due to the piercings and tattoos' is very awkward), will she just snap out of it one day?

Greg
When she steals credit cards, you call the police.

Anyway, there are other ways to prompt children to get on their own feet without literally putting them on the street. You could rent an apartment---paying three months in advance. Furnish it with free stuff from craig's list. Stock the kitchen with a month's worth of food. Move her in. Give her spending money that will basically cover bus fair or gasoline for job hunting. She'll have to find a way to earn money to feed herself within a month. Within three months, she'll need to pay rent.

My favorite idea is selling the house and moving---not taking the adult children with you. If that doesn't inspire adult children to get their act together, nothing will. Of course, I say this idea in jest, but I believe I would dare to do it if I were in your situation.

Either that, or send her to live with a relative in a different state. You think you can't force her, but she can't force herself to stay under your roof. You sit her down and say, "Next month, you're going to live with Aunt Sally in North Carolina. If you don't want to live with Aunt Sally, I recommend you find a job and have an apartment before then."

See how those alternatives are different from literally kicking a child out of the house and into the streets?
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Old 05-25-2010, 11:13 AM
 
1 posts, read 26,865 times
Reputation: 16
Amen to Robhu, as for Azoria, she doen't have a clue. It dosen't sound like she has ever had to deal with a difficult teenager, I have read most of these quotes and I don't get the impression that anyone posting on here is a terrible person wanting to harm their own children or even hoping that something bad happens to them. There comes a time when you have to let individuals make their own choices even if it bad choices, that is part of the learning process. I am dealing with this same thing right now, and I know how hard it is. but for my family's sake I haave to make the choice to put him out. I have spent the last twenty five years teaching my children good values, three of them have turned out fine. the forth and youngest child will have to take what I have taught him and make his own choices. I know he will turn out just fine, and he will come to me someday "and hopfully soon" I tell me that it was the best thing that could have happened to him. The rest is up to God. and I trust in him.
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