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Old 11-07-2010, 11:32 PM
 
Location: Southwest Louisiana
3,052 posts, read 2,763,142 times
Reputation: 885

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To those saying, you can't just kick them out, well what do you suggest? When the child is just hard headed, is a wanna-be thug who thinks the world owes them everything on a silver platter? Sometimes tough love is the only thing that you have left. It's meant to be temporary and to be a reality check. I'm 23, and I'm trying to get this little hard headed teeange boy on the right track, but he's one of those who just does what he wants, and he's been put out again and again by just about everyone he's stayed with. I'm about to just drop his little ass to a homeless shelter or just let him go back to jail.
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Old 11-08-2010, 12:48 AM
 
Location: Lowell, MA
6,926 posts, read 5,936,941 times
Reputation: 10149
Default Kicking a 18 yr child out

Quote:
Originally Posted by azoria View Post
Fiddlesticks.

Tough love? What happened to family commitment? When did it become ok to send your own 18 year old daughter out into the streets? And why in gods name would this seem even remotely like a good idea?

It sounds like there is a power struggle? An uncooperative 18 year old daughter who refuses to abide by household rules. So the parents determine that the path to 'winning' is to unload the unrepentant child into homelessness. Tough love my a$s, this is abandonment and worse, pushing a young foolish girl into a very dangerous and precarious predicament. And if this ensues--who is the winner??? What is victory worth when your child is out homeless on the street?

That is just stupid contemporary psychobabble. You don't abandon family members like that, much less your own children. Family is the foundation of culture and country and civilization. Just because there is a belligerent child in the home is no excuse for that kind of inhumanity and abandonment. Especially for a young vulnerable girl.

I don't know what the fix is, but I DO KNOW that throwing family members out the door benefits none of the players here. Perhaps there is some kind of family counseling or remediation that can be found. Perhaps the parents can stifle their frustration for a time while this girl finishes growing up.

I utterly and completely repudiate the nonsense social babble of *tough love*. We need to take care of our own. Even when they are despicable and difficult. When they are old and infirm. When they are tiny infants and unbearably irritating. Responsible adults respond to crisis with reason and caring and thought and purpose. They don't just get fed up and throw their kids out of the house.

It's not ok.
I totally agree from personal experience. When I was 19 my mother kicked me out of the house for protecting my younger brother from a beating whom I adore.

Now this was 37 years ago, my friends were all in college living at home with there parents. I had no where to go but to live in my car.

I was terrified out of my mind. I slept in my car with a hugh knife by my side and washed up in the morning at McDonald's before work. I had a very important job. I worked for M.I.T.'s Fiscal Dept. at Lincoln Laboratory which I had to have a top security clearance in order to work there. Finally my girlfriends mother took pity on me and let me move in with her family, it was so kind of her.

But to get back to the point you don't know what is out on the street just waiting there for her daughter!!!!! If she doesn't have friends to stay with, predators that's all, who will rape her and have her walking the streets in no time. Is this really what you want for your daughter !!!!!

The family unit is suppose to be the mostly tight knight unit.....do everything you can for your disturbed daughter, counseling even hospitalization if necessary, but not the streets. Love her don't throw her away, I never believed in TOUGH love!!!! It's a bunch of crap to me. My husband grew up in Phoenix where they believed in tough love and it didn't help him at all, it just made him an angrier person. It took time and love to help him thru it all.

We do need more responsible adults raising our children in today's world. Unfortunately this is not happening and their answer is just to toss them to the streets and we wonder why children are killing children and the drug addiction among children is growing so rapidly. Where is the parent interaction going on here. Become more active in your child's live. Make more time for them and maybe there won't be so many unruly children. Children need and want boundaries. Set them and stand by them be consistent. Consistency is extremely important, it help children feel safe. When a child feels safe you have a more stable child who grows into a more stable young adult with less problems .
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Old 11-08-2010, 07:01 AM
 
Location: Southwest Louisiana
3,052 posts, read 2,763,142 times
Reputation: 885
Quote:
Originally Posted by hopedelivers View Post
I totally agree from personal experience. When I was 19 my mother kicked me out of the house for protecting my younger brother from a beating whom I adore.
That's a completely different matter, the OP is referring to someone who just does not listen after being given chance after chance after chance after chance. It sounds more like your mom was just an abuser who thought her stuff didnt stink.

Now this was 37 years ago, my friends were all in college living at home with there parents. I had no where to go but to live in my car.

I was terrified out of my mind. I slept in my car with a hugh knife by my side and washed up in the morning at McDonald's before work. I had a very important job. I worked for M.I.T.'s Fiscal Dept. at Lincoln Laboratory which I had to have a top security clearance in order to work there. Finally my girlfriends mother took pity on me and let me move in with her family, it was so kind of her.

But to get back to the point you don't know what is out on the street just waiting there for her daughter!!!!! If she doesn't have friends to stay with, predators that's all, who will rape her and have her walking the streets in no time. Is this really what you want for your daughter !!!!!

The family unit is suppose to be the mostly tight knight unit.....do everything you can for your disturbed daughter, counseling even hospitalization if necessary, but not the streets. Love her don't throw her away, I never believed in TOUGH love!!!! Sometimes, toug love is the only thing you have left. Like I said, w/ the 19 yr old I'm dealing w/ right now. I felt bad for him b/c his family and friends don't seem to want him staying w/ them, but after dealing w/ him for two weeks, I realize that alot of his problems, he brought on himself. Why? B/c he's hardheaded, he's nosey, he does what HE wants, not what anyone else suggests. He needs to be trying to get his GED. I'm about to drop him off to Abraham's Tent if this keeps up.It's a bunch of crap to me. My husband grew up in Phoenix where they believed in tough love and it didn't help him at all, it just made him an angrier person. It took time and love to help him thru it all.

We do need more responsible adults raising our children in today's world. Unfortunately this is not happening and their answer is just to toss them to the streets and we wonder why children are killing children and the drug addiction among children is growing so rapidly. Where is the parent interaction going on here. Become more active in your child's live. Make more time for them and maybe there won't be so many unruly children. Children need and want boundaries. Set them and stand by them be consistent. Consistency is extremely important, it help children feel safe. When a child feels safe you have a more stable child who grows into a more stable young adult with less problems .
Not all children do I'm afraid, some of them are rebellious anyway or just "wanna-be" gangstas(thanks today's rap, atleast old rap had a message), There are some even w/ that stability, they still do what they want and just say **** authority and everybody else. If stability truly worked, we wouldnt have teachers losing their jobs from the false rape claim of a pissed off child who missed his recess.
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Old 11-08-2010, 07:56 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 10,648,146 times
Reputation: 19503
Quote:
Originally Posted by pandorafan5687 View Post
To those saying, you can't just kick them out, well what do you suggest? When the child is just hard headed, is a wanna-be thug who thinks the world owes them everything on a silver platter? Sometimes tough love is the only thing that you have left. It's meant to be temporary and to be a reality check. I'm 23, and I'm trying to get this little hard headed teeange boy on the right track, but he's one of those who just does what he wants, and he's been put out again and again by just about everyone he's stayed with. I'm about to just drop his little ass to a homeless shelter or just let him go back to jail.
Bless you for trying, because you did. You didn't have to, but you put yourself out there for someone else. Unfortunately, you may have been taken in by his stories, hook-line and sinker! Your heart is in the right place, but sometimes, "helping" someone like this is hurting, more than helping. In our earlier years, hubby and I helped many young people. In most of those cases, these kids were simply being rebellious and didn't want to follow the rules of the house. In a couple of the cases, there were legitimate abuse and neglect (including one case of sexual abuse) factors. Our oldest went through a period of extreme rebelliousness and spent a few years telling lies, getting people to pity him. Every person he "conned" into taking care of him discovered in a short period of time that he was not who he claimed to be and that he was a liar.

He's a grown adult now and feels like crap for being such a loser young man, lol, and he has a whole lot of guilt for his earlier behavior. My heart goes out to everyone who fell for his stories.....all of the people who were taken advantage of by him, because they wanted to protect and take care of him. My heart hurts for him too though. He will live with these regrets (and most likely his Karma), for the rest of his life. He will forever be plagued by others' mistrust of him because of the lies of his youth. So many people lost respect for him because of his dishonesty. These "rebel" kids rarely respect the people they are taking advantage of. After all, they're stupid enough to believe a "child's" story, how smart can they be?
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Old 11-08-2010, 01:24 PM
 
Location: Southwest Louisiana
3,052 posts, read 2,763,142 times
Reputation: 885
Somebody is feeling me, Thank God! I don't know how much more of it I can take. It's to the point that I'm neglecting my responsibilities. Then he wants me to haul him and his friends around. He stays out until about 1, and then he can't handle his business the next morning. I'm so close to saying "you are on your own" it's not even funny.
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Old 11-08-2010, 01:30 PM
 
28,180 posts, read 22,305,326 times
Reputation: 16630
If you are ok with your daughter being homeless, hungry and vulnerable, go ahead and kick her out.
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Old 11-08-2010, 01:31 PM
 
28,180 posts, read 22,305,326 times
Reputation: 16630
Quote:
Originally Posted by pandorafan5687 View Post
Somebody is feeling me, Thank God! I don't know how much more of it I can take. It's to the point that I'm neglecting my responsibilities. Then he wants me to haul him and his friends around. He stays out until about 1, and then he can't handle his business the next morning. I'm so close to saying "you are on your own" it's not even funny.
Stop giving him rides.

Lock the door at 11pm and let him know it will not be opened until 7am.

Demand respect by your actions.
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Old 11-08-2010, 02:48 PM
 
2,418 posts, read 4,759,726 times
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If you don't nip defiant behavior in the bud during the early teen years, you have this to look forward to at 18 plus them yelling "I'm 18, I can do whatever I want..."

Not to insult anyone but I think a lot of parents who have good or reasonably good teenagers see their own kids when they read these posts and think "Oh my God, I could never throw out my kid." But in that case, the eyes that are being looked through are completely the opposite of the parent of the mean, defiant, kid. Picture your kid saying "F&*( You!" if you told them to do the dishes.

That is what these parents face in addition to sometimes drinking, drug use, bringing unsavory people home when the parents are not there and stealing money and property. That kind of behavior can bring you to the end of your rope pretty quickly.

I don't think there are too many parents that would throw their kids into the street for the hell of it and not care if they were homeless. Just the fact that they are considering doing just that speaks to the hell they've been put through. I feel sorry for those parents.

I would agree with those that say rent an apartment and pay for two months. Furnish it with the basics. That gives them their independence with something of a safety net and they might feel good knowing that keeping the place is something that they have the power to do.

Last edited by cleasach; 11-08-2010 at 02:49 PM.. Reason: removed a wrong word
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Old 11-08-2010, 02:57 PM
 
28,180 posts, read 22,305,326 times
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Actually I am looking at my teenage self and seeing that kicking an 18 year old out in the streets really messed up my life good for a long time. It isn't the right road to take.
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Old 11-08-2010, 06:02 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 10,648,146 times
Reputation: 19503
Quote:
Originally Posted by pandorafan5687 View Post
Somebody is feeling me, Thank God! I don't know how much more of it I can take. It's to the point that I'm neglecting my responsibilities. Then he wants me to haul him and his friends around. He stays out until about 1, and then he can't handle his business the next morning. I'm so close to saying "you are on your own" it's not even funny.
Pan, don't do it. Don't haul him and his friends around...don't haul HIM around. By the way, if he's "thuggish" and has "thuggish" friends, I wouldn't be letting them hang around your house. What are you going to do when you come home from somewhere and find your crap missing. Be careful..don't put yourself in a situation you can't get out of. This is not your problem. As far as him staying out til 1 a.m., if he's not working at a job, I'd be locking that door at 10 p.m. and his butt would be sleeping at a friend's house or on the front porch....no questions asked, no explanations given. Lay down the rules, if he can't follow them, show him the door. I hope you haven't given this "thug" a key for your house. If so, hopefully, you can get it back before he has a chance to make copies!! I'm thinking of ya...and rooting for you. Be careful!
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