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Old 11-09-2010, 10:33 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 10,660,157 times
Reputation: 19503

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
Where do you shower? What if your parents won't allow you to use their address? Where do you sleep?

How do you save $900 for rent/security plus all the deposits for utility turn on fees while living out of your car? How do you pay for food? How do you cook that food? How do you wash your clothes? Where do you keep them?
I made friends quickly, before I chose to stay there. I had saved money before I went wandering! If the kid is looking for a job in their parents' town....don't ASK them! How many employers are going to be sending anything to the house! My Gosh, they just want an address for SS purposes!! In my case, I PAID my friend's parents for the use of their shower. There are also campgrounds in most larger towns or state parks that had "pay showers", there are laundrymats.

In the case of a kid having to leave right out of home, get a part-time job and save the money! Don't go spending it on ridiculous crap. If you know you're going to get kicked out, you better start learning to plan ahead. Your earnings are not MAD money....it's savings for when you have to move out! It's a matter of learning to "manage" both time and money. You can't LEARN to do those things until you DO them Mags! You can not just tell a child how to do them...you have to MAKE them do it! You have to give them a REASON to want to learn how to do it.
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Old 11-09-2010, 10:50 AM
 
Location: In a house
13,253 posts, read 39,220,475 times
Reputation: 20198
How is it possible that an 18-year-old has alienated everyone in their lives, or failed to acquire anyone in their lives, that no one on the entire planet is willing to take them in?

That's a clue right there. I don't know of any teenager who has no one they can turn to. And at age 18, you are legally an adult. You are legally responsible for yourself. You are legally -expected- to have spent the last 17.999 years learning how to take care of yourself.

By the time a kid is 12 he has had experience interacting with other kids, to the point where he can start making comparisons. "Oh this kid seems happy - what's he and his family doing that me and mine are not?" "That kid is always in trouble - what is he and HIS family doing, that me and my family are not?" "How can I try to be more like this kid, than that kid?"

By the time they're 18, if they haven't learned SOMETHING about life, independent thought, the ability to get out and DO things for themselves, then it's the kid who has failed. Not the parent. If an 18-year-old ADULT needs to be homeless to learn how to live independently, then he has already failed.
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Old 11-09-2010, 01:04 PM
 
28,180 posts, read 22,337,535 times
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Well if you want to comfort yourselves that all 18 year olds have family and/or friends willing to let them stay with them for an extended period of time, go for it.

Now *I* personally (and my husband) would allow our niece to stay with us. But most people we know, wouldn't allow it. Cramps their style too much. Plus a lot of people just don't want to "get involved" with parent/child tiffs.

Again, I ask if you have NO PLACE to go (which was my situation) where the heck do you go?

Don't answer with, "Well, if you don't know" crap because frankly, at 32, I wouldn't know where to go if I were suddenly thrust out the door.
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Old 11-09-2010, 01:21 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 10,660,157 times
Reputation: 19503
[quote=Magritte25;16586000]Where do you shower? What if your parents won't allow you to use their address? Where do you sleep?

How do you save $900 for rent/security plus all the deposits for utility turn on fees while living out of your car? Extra shifts! Lots and lots of them! How do you pay for food? Had some money saved! How do you cook that food? I had a cooler and ate sandwiches. How do you wash your clothes? Laundry mat & paid friend's parents to do it. Where do you keep them? Folded neatly in a tote! [/quote]

Here's the ironic thing...I only had to live in my car for just over a week. While doing laundry at my friend's house...waiting for it to wash and dry, I wanted to keep busy. The mother had a full-time job and a couple of kids at home who weren't much help. They were more interested in playing and partying than they were helping around the house. By the time I got my laundry done, the house was clean...including the stove and refrigerator. I folded all of their laundry as well....after all, it was the LEAST I could do for her, since she was being kind enough to let me pay her to do laundry at her home. She was so impressed with my values that she let me stay there until I got my second paycheck. I did pay her 50/wk. I kept her house spotless for her and kept the laundry all caught up, even though I worked almost constantly. I didn't eat there, because I was rarely around at meal times, due to all of the extra shifts I worked. I had a purpose....make money, repay kindness, get a place of my own, make more money to put it in the bank. When I got my own place, it was unfurnished, with the exception of appliances. I had dishes/towels/wash cloths/bedding in my car. I slept on the carpet in the living room and slowly purchased a few pieces of furniture at Salvation army....love seat $15, chair $5, air mattress for bed, small stereo. I didn't need much. I had no intention of staying there forever and would have to leave the furniture behind when I left. I didn't need a television....didn't have time to watch it anyway. It was more important for me to work and make money than it was to watch tv or movies! It all boils down to where you set your priorities. I made many friends, people I will never forget, at work. I enjoyed work....it's where my friends and security were. Some people look at work as just that....some of us do not. OMG I rambled on....sorry y'all....one of those days I guess!
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Old 11-09-2010, 01:54 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 10,660,157 times
Reputation: 19503
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
Well if you want to comfort yourselves that all 18 year olds have family and/or friends willing to let them stay with them for an extended period of time, go for it.

Now *I* personally (and my husband) would allow our niece to stay with us. But most people we know, wouldn't allow it. Cramps their style too much. Plus a lot of people just don't want to "get involved" with parent/child tiffs.

Again, I ask if you have NO PLACE to go (which was my situation) where the heck do you go?

Don't answer with, "Well, if you don't know" crap because frankly, at 32, I wouldn't know where to go if I were suddenly thrust out the door.
Mags, I'm sorry....You have some valid questions you're asking and they're not being answered. Okay...."If you have no place to go, where do you go?" If you found yourself in the situation we're discussing, here would be my suggestions; Go to a church or a mission. Hit a phone book and look for homeless shelters, missions, and again, churches. If you are genuinely in desperate need, there are people out there who are more than happy to help those who are in a fix, especially if you are the kind of person who is willing to help themselves. They will give you a shoulder until you are able to get things straightened out. You might not get the answer you're looking for right away, but keep knocking on those doors. They might not be the kind of living arrangements that you're used to, but they are better than living under a cardboard box. Once you prove yourself to be of good moral character and show that you genuinely want to do for yourself, are not blowing smoke, and truly want to be "self-sufficient, there are so many people who will help you make things happen.
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Old 11-09-2010, 02:43 PM
 
28,180 posts, read 22,337,535 times
Reputation: 16630
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
Mags, I'm sorry....You have some valid questions you're asking and they're not being answered. Okay...."If you have no place to go, where do you go?" If you found yourself in the situation we're discussing, here would be my suggestions; Go to a church or a mission. Hit a phone book and look for homeless shelters, missions, and again, churches. If you are genuinely in desperate need, there are people out there who are more than happy to help those who are in a fix, especially if you are the kind of person who is willing to help themselves. They will give you a shoulder until you are able to get things straightened out. You might not get the answer you're looking for right away, but keep knocking on those doors. They might not be the kind of living arrangements that you're used to, but they are better than living under a cardboard box. Once you prove yourself to be of good moral character and show that you genuinely want to do for yourself, are not blowing smoke, and truly want to be "self-sufficient, there are so many people who will help you make things happen.
Yeah. Like I said, I wouldn't do this to a dog, let alone my child. I cannot imagine telling my kid to go live in a shelter - with drug addicts and homeless people! Ugh.
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Old 11-09-2010, 03:17 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 10,660,157 times
Reputation: 19503
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
Yeah. Like I said, I wouldn't do this to a dog, let alone my child. I cannot imagine telling my kid to go live in a shelter - with drug addicts and homeless people! Ugh.
Meh, all the more reason for a kid to keep their noses clean, be respectful of their parents, and be thoroughly contributing members of their household, eh? The reality is this, most of them do it to themselves, IF their parents don't kow tow to them and enable them to be worthless, entitled brats. Let's face it....if your kid is "homeless" he/she is one of them...many of them are addicts who refuse to clean up. Therefore, technically, they're living with their own kind! If that's your take on it, they'd be happy there, right? No one to keep nagging them about using, ruining their lives, etc. By the way...there are a whole lot of different types of people who are in those shelters. They're not all addicts, although yeah, they are homeless.

You know, like some of us have said, it's great that you've never had to protect younger children from older children or protect yourself from your own child, because Mags.... that is just a fact of life for some people. I've worried terribly for a few people's lives, because they just couldn't bring themselves to put their kid out on the street....and seen 2 of them treated in the ER for that very same reason. The kids ended up in prison, for a good long time. Hmmm, I guess ER for you and prison for your kid is a better alternative to a homeless shelter.
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Old 11-09-2010, 05:07 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
3,365 posts, read 4,087,575 times
Reputation: 2752
Quote:
Originally Posted by azoria View Post
Fiddlesticks.

Tough love? What happened to family commitment? When did it become ok to send your own 18 year old daughter out into the streets? And why in gods name would this seem even remotely like a good idea?

It sounds like there is a power struggle? An uncooperative 18 year old daughter who refuses to abide by household rules. So the parents determine that the path to 'winning' is to unload the unrepentant child into homelessness. Tough love my a$s, this is abandonment and worse, pushing a young foolish girl into a very dangerous and precarious predicament. And if this ensues--who is the winner??? What is victory worth when your child is out homeless on the street?

That is just stupid contemporary psychobabble. You don't abandon family members like that, much less your own children. Family is the foundation of culture and country and civilization. Just because there is a belligerent child in the home is no excuse for that kind of inhumanity and abandonment. Especially for a young vulnerable girl.

I don't know what the fix is, but I DO KNOW that throwing family members out the door benefits none of the players here. Perhaps there is some kind of family counseling or remediation that can be found. Perhaps the parents can stifle their frustration for a time while this girl finishes growing up.

I utterly and completely repudiate the nonsense social babble of *tough love*. We need to take care of our own. Even when they are despicable and difficult. When they are old and infirm. When they are tiny infants and unbearably irritating. Responsible adults respond to crisis with reason and caring and thought and purpose. They don't just get fed up and throw their kids out of the house.

It's not ok.
If the daughter was given a chance to follow the rules of the house, she was told of the consequences if she did not want to abide by them, getting her to leave the house is not lack of commitment. It is a hard decision for a parent to make. At least the parent had a plan and the son or dauther knows the consequences. You said you do not know what the fix is. You are honest but if you do not know what to do it is difficult for me to agree with you that taking this tyupe of measures is incorrect. I do not see how your disagreement can be compared with the proposed solution from other in what the call tough love.
You bring the children into this world, love them, care for them, and make sure they have the tools and skills to make it in life. If you tried your best and that child does not want to respond with respect to the family, then she needs to go out there and learn the hard way. That is what a loving parent needs to do however painful it may be, take care.
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Old 11-09-2010, 07:38 PM
 
28,180 posts, read 22,337,535 times
Reputation: 16630
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
Meh, all the more reason for a kid to keep their noses clean, be respectful of their parents, and be thoroughly contributing members of their household, eh? The reality is this, most of them do it to themselves, IF their parents don't kow tow to them and enable them to be worthless, entitled brats. Let's face it....if your kid is "homeless" he/she is one of them...many of them are addicts who refuse to clean up. Therefore, technically, they're living with their own kind! If that's your take on it, they'd be happy there, right? No one to keep nagging them about using, ruining their lives, etc. By the way...there are a whole lot of different types of people who are in those shelters. They're not all addicts, although yeah, they are homeless.

You know, like some of us have said, it's great that you've never had to protect younger children from older children or protect yourself from your own child, because Mags.... that is just a fact of life for some people. I've worried terribly for a few people's lives, because they just couldn't bring themselves to put their kid out on the street....and seen 2 of them treated in the ER for that very same reason. The kids ended up in prison, for a good long time. Hmmm, I guess ER for you and prison for your kid is a better alternative to a homeless shelter.
Yep, that's right. It's either homelessness or prison. No possible in-between.
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Old 11-09-2010, 08:25 PM
 
Location: In a house
13,253 posts, read 39,220,475 times
Reputation: 20198
According to you Margritte, the only option would be homelessness. That's what prompted all these responses in the first place. Because you claimed that telling an adult of 18 years of age that he or she needs to get out of your home now, would mean that person is a homeless child.

That person isn't a child..and she'd only be homeless if she chose to insulate herself from the rest of the world growing up - rejecting every piece of data about "what it's like to live as an independent adult" from school, from peers, from older brothers and sisters of herself or her friends, from teachers, from "home economics" classes (if they still teach that..), from Hallmark movies on TV, from the internet, from the newspapers..

If that girl didn't pay attention to all of that, then yeah she might end up homeless. But if she didn't pay attention to any of it, then homelessness is the least of her worries. Because even if she had a home to go to, she wouldn't have a clue as to what to do with it.
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