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Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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The bottom line is that you've made your feelings known and it doesn't seem to be impacting your mom's behavior. We could debate all day on whether her behavior is moral or if you have a right to even question it.
She's doing something that bugs you. I doubt she will change. You have to decide, at this point in your life, to take control of the relationship. For example, don't want to hear about the relationship? Tell her you'd rather not hear about it and change the subject. She keeps bringing it up? Ignore it and, if necessary, end the conversation (say goodbye and hang up, walk away, etc). Next decide what you need from your mother. An hour conversation once a week? Politely ask for it. She's talking to you and your having a good time, thank her for it. In other words, know what you want/need from her. Give her positive attention when she does what you want/need and ignore the rest. Want the financial info? Keep politely asking. Above all stay calm.
The bottom line is that people we love do things we think are wrong/disagree with. Unless it's a dealbreaker (is this?); then you have no choice but to find a way to deal with it. Cause ultimately this is your problem, not your mother's.
I've been in your shoes!! I feel for you. No a mother should not date a guy that close to her daughter's age. And she should have handled the situation a lot better by NOT bringing him out there to see you. Your mother is just thinking about herself now. She should be thinking about you and what your needs are in college to be able to give you a push into adulthood. Believe me this will not last. My mother dated and later married the biggest jerk who was 19 when I was 14!! She was 32!! Anyways, 7 years later he dumped her. It will pass you need to call or write to her and tell her she needs to give you that financial info because you need it for school. Then just go and make your own life. Don't tell her I told you so when this young guy dumps her. Just be prepared because he will dump her, it's just a matter of time. I am telling you this because I have been there. And at my age I would NEVER DATE A GUY 10 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME!
I have a 17 year old daughter and I would never put her in that situation.
Well in my mind, there's a big difference between a cougar and a relationship with an age gap. I've never considered myself a cougar. My boyfriend and I just got along really well and had a lot of common interests and the same opinions on life. He wasn't impressed with the women his age that he knew. We started out as best friends first and it was only a platonic friendship. To me, a cougar is an older woman looking to pickup up younger men for a brief fling or hookup. I consider my boyfriend my peer. And we are both consenting adults, we both respect each other. And I don't consider Demi Moore a cougar.
I don't know your mom or her boyfriend, so of course I don't know what their relationship is really like. But I feel that if she needs to come to her senses and this guy isn't good for her, the best thing you can do (after you nag her and get that paperwork from her) is to stay out of it. Don't let her know that you disapprove of him being in her life, don't beg for her attention. Give her some time to get over her initial excitement and crush feelings towards her new love. And if things don't work out for her, don't tell her any I told you so's.
So here I am, almost 50, and one of the things that I have learned over my lifetime, is while I respect my mom, she's only human, not perfect and she makes plenty of mistakes. Yes, your mom should know better and act smarter, but she's only human. At this point, you are acting a lot wiser than she is.
And people don't and can't change who they are. I think that your mom is just being herself and that you can't save her from herself either. Just accept her the way she is. The only person you have control over is yourself.
And if you and she are all you have family-wise, you also need to accept that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. And forget that blood is thicker than water stuff. What you should be doing is keeping an eye out for those special people that will be your true best friends and/or mentors. I have a few favorite non-family people in my life that I consider to be my surrogate aunts and uncles. And I enjoy their company way more than my mother. And they offer me better emotional support than my mother ever did.
I wouldn't even date my friend ex. it's already weird enough.
but when a mother of a 18 years old date a boy that is 20yrs old that was interested in you daughter, and talking to the daughter about they having sex .
Damm! That is just Nasty.
Well. This has turned into advice on aspects & topics I hadn't even though of or intended this to be about, but none the less... I appreciate it. I guess I shouldn't have used the extent of circumstancial details from the beginning because really all I wanted to know was how people felt on him being my age as her daughter. See, I never really had a problem with age differences, I'm a very open-minded person. But this "cougar," as they're calling it, thing has always set different with me... before this even began. I guess, everything else aside, I don't understand why you would want to date someone who could be your child? And not just your child in the age difference, but literally, the fact that he's hardly an adult himself. I know age is a number - but doesn't it seem like there is some moral difference when it's someone your child could've gone to school with? Your take?
LOL I was just thinking that it's so much more common for the child's (and ex wife's) complaint(s) to be that their dad is now dating or marrying a woman that is much younger and prettier than their mom! Older men and much younger women is more typical and more easily accepted. I just had to point that out...
Anyway, this is a role reversal issue. Instead of a parent upset at their child dating someone they don't approve of, it's the child objecting to who their parent is dating. And the same observation is true, by objecting to the relationship, the other person is going to get more stubbornly dug into keeping the unacceptable relationship going. In your case, if you tell her things like she looks stupid with him, she looks too old to be with him or the neighbors are laughing at her, then it's only going to cause a bad rift between the two of you.
So best of luck in school and in CA. Focus on your new life and friends. Get A's in school. Keep in touch by mailing her pictures of your new life, tell her the details by letters that she can read and reread later on. Don't mention her boyfriend, but wish her well and say that you hope that she's happy and not missing you too much. I think that she'll regain her senses eventually. Mail is better than phones and emails imo. With the phone calls, you might heard the boyfriend in the background which will annoy you. Mail over emails because they are more private and she can read them away from a computer.
Well. This has turned into advice on aspects & topics I hadn't even though of or intended this to be about, but none the less... I appreciate it. I guess I shouldn't have used the extent of circumstancial details from the beginning because really all I wanted to know was how people felt on him being my age as her daughter. See, I never really had a problem with age differences, I'm a very open-minded person. But this "cougar," as they're calling it, thing has always set different with me... before this even began. I guess, everything else aside, I don't understand why you would want to date someone who could be your child? And not just your child in the age difference, but literally, the fact that he's hardly an adult himself. I know age is a number - but doesn't it seem like there is some moral difference when it's someone your child could've gone to school with? Your take?
I don't think it's immoral, but I do think it's disrespectful to you for her to date this guy and basically shove it in your face. I would never do that to my daughter because I love her and I know that no 20-year-old stud-muffin would be worth hurting our relationship.
It makes me wonder if your mother isn't having some issues of her own. Does your growing up make her feel old? Is she jealous of you? Has she been completely devoted to you and now wants to make you pay for that in some way?
Also, I get the feeling that you may have always been the mature one in your relationship with your mother. Is that possible?
Yes, I do think it is a little amoral to date a guy who is 20 when you are so much older. I wouldn't object to the age span, but the age of 20. Well, I think it is a little borderline then, but how many of us have said "just because they are 18 doesn't mean they are adults." So, in my eyes, at least he isn't 18 or 19...at least he has had a couple years out of high school and on his own (I hope). But, like its been said over and over--there's nothing you can do about it.
Im 32 and i wouldnt date an 18 year old thats just weird.
My dad starting dating someone 2 years older than me when i was 16.
Someone dating with much of an age gap has some issues regardless of legality.
The mom is showing alot of disrepect and it sounds like the daughter had..
To learn how to grow up quickly because mom was trying to be the friend.
While I agree your mother is making a fool of herself, it's not your business.
Live the best life you can, enjoy your college years and make your decisions based upon what's best for your future. At least you aren't living with her while this is going on.
In awhile, you and your mother will meet on common ground, but while she's experimenting with trying to recapture her youth, you have to kind of steer yourself for awhile. Associate with people who are healthy for you and will support you.
When I was in my 20's and living in a different state, there seemed to be an attraction between my dad(single) and one of my best friends who was estranged from her own dad. My friend was 22, I was 25, and my dad pushing 50. It was not a comfortable feeling, to say the least, and even though nothing happened as far as I knew. If something had started, I was all ready to tell my dad"please don't sleep with my friends!".
I think the age difference is a real factor, but I think that the fact that he was in the same group as the daughters' friends adds "insult to injury". In other words, if she were dating a 20 yr old man who was known to be a cad, she would be taking a risk with her own reputation, but by dating a guy in her daughter's circle( and disliked by her own daughter), she steps into being an hurtful mom, not just a cougar. I really think that is the main issue.
Having been in a similar potential situation, it feels wrong for a reason, it is not worth risking such an important relationship as these for a "hook-up".
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