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I have to agree with Ann and disagree with most of you.
I guarantee you that 90% of you who think your kids are under control have done things you have no idea about and would never approve of.
I'm 30 now. When I was 14, I snuck out a lot, just because I could, mostly from friends houses. We would just go and walk around, or go wake up other friends and hang out. I think most teenagers sneak out at some point, just to show they can.
At that same age, I went to a lot of wild parties, unsupervised, with boys and alcohol. You know what? I didn't have sex, I didn't do drugs and I didn't drink (not even a little). This is with open access to all of it.
Know why? I had a good open, friendly relationship with my mom and knew she would be disappointed and upset. Not because I was afraid of punishment.
Talk to your daughter about WHY you don't want her sneaking out in the middle of the night. Give her a bit more leeway and she is much more likely to talk to you before doing something stupid, rather than hiding it from you afterwards. At the same time, let her know that there are rules, what the rules are, and WHY they are important. Let her know, both what your consequences are if she breaks the rules, and also what LIFE may offer up for consequences.
My mom had an open, ongoing rule at my house for both myself and my younger sister. She didn't want us drinking, but if we ever did drink at a party or a club or whatever, if we called her for a ride home, there would never be any recriminations or questions. I never drank, so didn't take advantage of it. My sister has used it once, and true to her word, mom just went and picked her up and brought her home. No punishment.
Once you lay down the rules, and expectations, stand by them, good or bad. And don't overreact to this. Sneaking out is normal behavior at 14. It doesn't necessarily lead to worse. Just use it as an opportunity to open discussion.
You know, I did the same, and never had sex, did drugs, or alcohol, but the few of us who voluntarily choose at that age to behave are very strong willed and capable of self-control and good reasoning/common sense despite our raging hormones. Most kids...most adults, in fact, are not so blessed. Yes, there are kids that will resist temptation and peer pressure, but they are not the majority, even within the same family. Any parent worth their salt, knowing the dangers, has to take what they consider to be necessary action. If the parent doesn't want to, that's their prerogative as parents. We were asked for our opinion, and many of us agree on enforced boundaries. It doesn't make our methods mandatory, though; it's only our experience and our opinion.
We were asked for our opinion, and many of us agree on enforced boundaries. It doesn't make our methods mandatory, though; it's only our experience and our opinion.
I apologize if I sounded like I was trying to force anything on anyone. I wasn't. I was just trying to voice an alternative opinion. Everyone was so "fire and brimstone" I felt I needed to speak up for taking a calmer approach.
I apologize if I sounded like I was trying to force anything on anyone. I wasn't. I was just trying to voice an alternative opinion. Everyone was so "fire and brimstone" I felt I needed to speak up for taking a calmer approach.
I think it's great of you to pitch in and give us more to think about. If I misinterpretted, my apologies.
You know, I did the same, and never had sex, did drugs, or alcohol, but the few of us who voluntarily choose at that age to behave are very strong willed and capable of self-control and good reasoning/common sense despite our raging hormones. Most kids...most adults, in fact, are not so blessed. Yes, there are kids that will resist temptation and peer pressure, but they are not the majority, even within the same family. Any parent worth their salt, knowing the dangers, has to take what they consider to be necessary action. If the parent doesn't want to, that's their prerogative as parents. We were asked for our opinion, and many of us agree on enforced boundaries. It doesn't make our methods mandatory, though; it's only our experience and our opinion.
I definitely did sneak out here and there. But I never did drugs. I tried marijuana a few times but hated it. I didn't even start drinking until I think I was like 17-18. And even then I controlled myself and didn't get belligerent like some kids do. I didn't have THAT open of relationship with my parents. I KNEW they would be SO mad if they ever caught me doing stupid things. So that was a pretty big incentive not to do it. PLUS I got the crap scared out of me in school when I was in like 6,7,8th grade and had health class and they taught us all about STD's and the effects of drugs on people. THAT scared the bejesus out of me into NOT doing them. Plus I just knew it was down right wrong.
I did sneak out here and there to meet up with friends. Walk around, play ding gong ditch and stupid stuff like that. But I never did what the one poster said about the after school activities with 11-17 year olds!!!!! OMG!!!!! If I had ever seen that crap when I was that young I would've been scarred!!!
When my daughter was 14, she would sneak out occassionally too. It would make us furious! The first time, we freeked out and called the cops to report her missing. The cop said kids do it all the time. We took her phone from her. She was piunished and not allowed to talk to her friends. Did it work, not really. She had to grow out of it. Sorry to say, get used to it b/c this is what teens do and you're not alone. My son is 14 now, he never did it here, but one time he did when he spent the night at a friends. The father found them outside, down the street with a bunch of girls! I tell you, kids these days. All I can say is good luck and be firm! As far as putting her on birth control, I'm a firm believer, I did it!
Strict? So, what? You think twelve? Thirteen? As soon as she's menstruating? Before she's menstruating? Should we also provide free access to beer, wine, liquor, too? And should we get a spare bedroom ready for the baby-on-the-way or, instead, sit a birth control pill and a female condom next to her plate every morning at breakfast?
Do I sound facetious and ridiculous? Well, it seems to me that permitting children "their head" when they are much too impressionable, much too susceptible to peer pressure, much too vulnerable to predation, and much too influenced by raging hormones is completely irresponsible.
Even at sixteen, seventeen, and eighteen, children need to be where they say they are going to be, maintaining appropriate behavior, and preferably chaparoned until parents are sure that they are "strong enough to say no," and have proven themselves capable of making wise decisions. It really depends on the maturity of the child, but so long as an underaged child is my personal responsibility, no, they ain't goin' out neckin' in the back seat of the Lexus! Nor are they going to that party over at so-and-sos whose parents aren't responsible or aren't home so they can suck down booze, suck up coke, and get down in a teen orgy.
I am completely with you on this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann in Oriental
I am having a hard time grasping the fact that you all appear to be SO strict. Not able to date until 16!!? Sounds like something from the 1940"s. I feel very sorry for your daughter.
When the hell was your child allowed to "date", 12?? I am sorry, kids nowadays.
Sorry, I don't believe my daughter will be "dating" at 14. Going out in mixed company is one thing. "Dating" will not be happening. There will be no lack of supervision. If I don't go back to work till she's married that's fine. Dating is for adults, or at least people who are not on a restricted driver's license. Screwing around is what kids do. My DD will be supervised, unlike me, and let me tell you, even though I was in the National Honor Society (HA HA) I got into plenty of $hit my mother had no idea about. That's because she was at work or just trusted me because I was her "good" kid. Little did she know.
I hate to say it, but teenagers are generally not to be trusted. Give them an inch, they'll take a mile.
Yeah, I could see what my husband would do if she snuck out of the house at 14. Remember the thread about the father that beat the kid up that he found in bed with the daughter??? My husband thought that man was completely justified. If he hears this he'll have the alarm installed right now, right outside the kid's doors.
I have no idea what I'd do with the girl. I snuck out of the house when I was around 10 to go to the pool at the park to play barbies with my friend. It was about 11PM and my parents had no idea. What could have happened to us is frightening. Maybe the parents could describe, in terrifying detail, what can happen to young girls who are out in the dark alone when no one knows where they are.
I am loving the alarm thing and the locking them out. If they're worried about DSS, pitch a tent and throw the blankets in there......LOL.
=Her dad (we are divorced & I am remarried) blew a gasket. Of course she must be punished, but how can I do this tactfully, get my point across, & not have daddy flipping out?
This issue with Dad is a big problem. As long as your daughter knows (or perceives) that you have a vested interest in keeping Dad from blowing a gasket, she'll be able to get away with a lot of mischief. If she thinks that you will protect her from Dad's rath (justified or unjustified), she'll try more and more. If she knows that you two are working together regarding rules and punishments, she'll be much less likely to try something!
This is why I shouldnt be a parent. Im far too ornery when crossed.
IF I was though my reaction would probably be...
1. Stripped of all privledges. She'd be allowed food, clothes, shelter and her schoolbooks and thats IT.
2. Id follow her to school and be waiting for her at EXACTLY the time she got out. No extracurriculars either. Straight home.
3. Windows nailed/glue/barred shut
4. Either reset code on the alarm OR put something very sensitive and jingly on the doorknobs.
5 Id have her doing every household chore I hate to do ( scrubbing toilets, dishes, mowing grass)
I was an ornery teenager...and I wish somebody would have done it to me. It would have kept me out of alot of trouble and watermelon patches.....(dont ask)
This is why I shouldnt be a parent. Im far too ornery when crossed.
IF I was though my reaction would probably be...
1. Stripped of all privledges. She'd be allowed food, clothes, shelter and her schoolbooks and thats IT.
2. Id follow her to school and be waiting for her at EXACTLY the time she got out. No extracurriculars either. Straight home.
3. Windows nailed/glue/barred shut
4. Either reset code on the alarm OR put something very sensitive and jingly on the doorknobs.
5 Id have her doing every household chore I hate to do ( scrubbing toilets, dishes, mowing grass)
I was an ornery teenager...and I wish somebody would have done it to me. It would have kept me out of alot of trouble and watermelon patches.....(dont ask)
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I tell you, kids these days. All I can say is good luck and be firm! As far as putting her on birth control, I'm a firm believer, I did it!
