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I have a 15-year old son who has me very worried lately, and I want to do what's best for him, but I don't know what's the best thing to do to help him.
When my son was around 7 or 8, a neighbor invited him into his house to watch football and ended up groping my son and exposing himself as well. Luckily, my son was able to run away (the man is handicapped and can barely walk). My son didn't tell us of the incident until a year later. We promptly notified the police, they arrested the man and charged him with numerous offenses. However, when he went to court, he was found incompetent to act in his own defense and all charges were dropped.(yes, really.) My son was always a happy, resilient kid who never seemed bothered by much, so we never sought counseling for him-we just moved on with our lives, angry as we were at the outcome. Meanwhile, this guy still lived in the neighborhood and we had to look at him, knowing what he got away with, for years. Fast-forward to June 2008: my son is 15. He's stressed from school, his parents divorced, his mom has remarried and had 3 more kids, hormonal changes gone amok, he's angry, withdrawn and bitter, mostly about this guy getting away with molesting him. So he gets hold of some liquor, drinks it down, goes over to pervert's house, walks in, and proceeds to terrorize him while smashing his house up with a rubber mallet. Cops get called; my son is arrested. Numerous charges applied. Goes to court; due to the court's understanding that this creep molested my son, my son receives probation and some fines. I bring my son home. Since then, he is very agitated, seems angry with me, has been caught drinking/taking Xanax/stealing/lying, tells me his life has sucked for the last 5 years, is getting crappy grades in school, and at times seems like a bomb getting ready to blow. Other times, he's happy and sweet and loving, like he used to be before all this mess. He's in counseling, but I'm afraid he needs more-much more. His Dad was a career-criminal alcoholic, and my worst nightmare is that my son will grow up to be just like him-in prison for half his life, and getting drunk the other half. I'm so afraid he'll have another outburst like he had in June...no one saw that coming, either. We were totally blindsided. I'm starting to wonder if he may be bipolar, as well.
My son means everything to me and I want him to have a happy, full life. Please help!
I am so sorry about everything that you and your son have had to endure. This is a big issue, I had a friend who was molested by her step-father and her mom got divorced, she moved on, never forgot though. Then I know of two girls who were also molested by their step-father, and to this day, their mom is still married to him, and the girls act like nothing ever happened. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it.
These are all just assumptions, but here's what I think: He obviously is angry with what happened, and doesn't know how to deal with it. He's angry he got away without so much as a slap on the wrist, and is doing things that he knows are wrong to account for his anger and sadness at the issue. To him at his age, he doesn't feel like there's any other way to resolve it, and he feels like it's never going to go away. I have a friend who is bipolar also, and I wouldn't say he necessarily is, but if it's a concern, get it checked out. To me he sounds like a very frustrated and angry kid, who sometimes wishes things could be like they were at one point, so he'll try, and then think things can never be the same, so he turns and lashes out again. Some people end up thinking that there is no other way.
His drinking obviously is an escape, and not to scare you, but there may be more to that than you know, how available drugs can be also. He also may think that the incident had something to do with your divorce, and he may also upset at the fact that you remarried, less positive attention is on him with 3 other siblings, not to mention the fact that you live in the same house. I know that you feel as though the man who did it should be the one to move, but if where you live is affecting your child's mental health, then maybe it's time to think of trying to move the family into another neighborhood at least. You looking at this man, or even his home is much less worse than what your son thinks or feels when he does.
"It's not how you are alike, it's how you are different". When it comes to his dad, just because he is where he is now is not a reason to fear what happened to his father. I know that's not what you want, no one would. He, and you need to remember that although things may be grim looking right now, they are not set in stone and can change. If he or you have talked about his father, you both need to understand that while there are similarities, that doesn't mean that he's going to be the same. Sit down together (if he is willing, if not do it yourself) and make a list of all his good qualities and then the qualities that are known about his father. Show him that they are not the same, and talk about what you can do to make him feel better about himself and his life. Keep the list and when he begins to feel the same, take it out and talk to him.
I'm not a counselor, just trying to give some suggestions on what I would do if faced with the same situation. I hope that I could help and please let me know how he continues to do, I'll help where I can if wanted. Good luck, and if you are a Christian, prayers can do things that nothing else can. Just remember, this is no one's fault, and you are doing the best you can, tell him you love him everyday and just whenever you can. Nothing is more precious than your child. Again, good luck and you're in my prayers
Location: Pelion, South Carolina/orig. from Cape May, NJ
1,113 posts, read 3,494,585 times
Reputation: 1176
Quote:
Originally Posted by BABsMom
I am so sorry about everything that you and your son have had to endure. This is a big issue, I had a friend who was molested by her step-father and her mom got divorced, she moved on, never forgot though. Then I know of two girls who were also molested by their step-father, and to this day, their mom is still married to him, and the girls act like nothing ever happened. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it.
These are all just assumptions, but here's what I think: He obviously is angry with what happened, and doesn't know how to deal with it. He's angry he got away without so much as a slap on the wrist, and is doing things that he knows are wrong to account for his anger and sadness at the issue. To him at his age, he doesn't feel like there's any other way to resolve it, and he feels like it's never going to go away. I have a friend who is bipolar also, and I wouldn't say he necessarily is, but if it's a concern, get it checked out. To me he sounds like a very frustrated and angry kid, who sometimes wishes things could be like they were at one point, so he'll try, and then think things can never be the same, so he turns and lashes out again. Some people end up thinking that there is no other way.
His drinking obviously is an escape, and not to scare you, but there may be more to that than you know, how available drugs can be also. He also may think that the incident had something to do with your divorce, and he may also upset at the fact that you remarried, less positive attention is on him with 3 other siblings, not to mention the fact that you live in the same house. I know that you feel as though the man who did it should be the one to move, but if where you live is affecting your child's mental health, then maybe it's time to think of trying to move the family into another neighborhood at least. You looking at this man, or even his home is much less worse than what your son thinks or feels when he does.
"It's not how you are alike, it's how you are different". When it comes to his dad, just because he is where he is now is not a reason to fear what happened to his father. I know that's not what you want, no one would. He, and you need to remember that although things may be grim looking right now, they are not set in stone and can change. If he or you have talked about his father, you both need to understand that while there are similarities, that doesn't mean that he's going to be the same. Sit down together (if he is willing, if not do it yourself) and make a list of all his good qualities and then the qualities that are known about his father. Show him that they are not the same, and talk about what you can do to make him feel better about himself and his life. Keep the list and when he begins to feel the same, take it out and talk to him.
I'm not a counselor, just trying to give some suggestions on what I would do if faced with the same situation. I hope that I could help and please let me know how he continues to do, I'll help where I can if wanted. Good luck, and if you are a Christian, prayers can do things that nothing else can. Just remember, this is no one's fault, and you are doing the best you can, tell him you love him everyday and just whenever you can. Nothing is more precious than your child. Again, good luck and you're in my prayers
We moved out of the neighborhood a long time ago-to another county, in fact. However, my sister still lives in the old house and every once in a while we'll see the old creep out walking around-but he NEVER comes down our street, thankfully.
Thanks so much for all the helpful replies-it's nice to know total strangers can take a minute to help someone else in need.
As for "growing up and getting on with it", my husband was sexually abused when he was very young by his aunt, of all people, who was only a few years older than him. He never told anyone in the family about it, never sought counseling, and now is a 33-year old man with major intimacy issues. Showing affection is very difficult for him. His aunt was young and probably thought it was OK to "play doctor" with her young nephew, but she warped him for life.
I'll always dislike her for taking away the affectionate, loving husband he could have been, if not for her sick abuse.
I don't buy the claim that an isolated act of sexual molestation causes, let alone excuses, bad behavior later in life. Whatever the boy's problem is, I believe, is a lot more related to his father's bad example than to anything else.
I've raised 3 kids and each were entirely different in how they reacted to life. Each had their own set of trials and tribulations. Your son has a totally understandable reason for him to feel angry and confused. However, when these emotions get mixed with alcohol and drugs, it can really escalate into a situation bigger than he has the maturity to deal with.
As a mom, you want to badly to protect your children from hurt and find some magical formula to 'fix' the problems. I so understand your frustration and hurt. I'm just not sure what the answers are. I guess providing counseling or a mentor or a family member he looks up to will certainly help.....but some things have to mend with time. And some things never mend.....he'll just finally mature enough to be able to sort them out properly.
I was molested when I was young by a family member on more than one occasion. I never told my mother about it until I was in my 20s. But I never dwelt on it. It was past. I didn't affect me emotionally. You can't let the baggage control the rest of your life
But then again I guess it depends on resiliency. I've never let anything get to me for an extended amount of time. Life's too short.
It's good that you didn't dwell on it but not so good that you never told anyone. You could have kept him from molesting other children. He got a free pass to commit crime with you.
This poor kid did the opposite. Told and then put himself on the line by being willing to testify against the pervert thereby letting everyone know he had been molested. Then the guy gets let off. Grown men and women have blown people away (sometimes right in the coutroom) with that kind of provocation. Then he has to continue to live in the same neighborhood with the pervert? Good Lord, what an introduction to the justice system, and for a child, no less. His parents didn't protect him and there was no justice. That poor kid was taking justice into his own hands when he went after that guy. Why the mother added the extra torture of continuing to live in the same neighborhood with her child's molester, I'll never know. Talk about having a daily reminder of your victimization by the criminal and the justice system. Poor darling.
I have a 15-year old son who has me very worried lately, and I want to do what's best for him, but I don't know what's the best thing to do to help him.
When my son was around 7 or 8, a neighbor invited him into his house to watch football and ended up groping my son and exposing himself as well. Luckily, my son was able to run away (the man is handicapped and can barely walk). My son didn't tell us of the incident until a year later. We promptly notified the police, they arrested the man and charged him with numerous offenses. However, when he went to court, he was found incompetent to act in his own defense and all charges were dropped.(yes, really.) My son was always a happy, resilient kid who never seemed bothered by much, so we never sought counseling for him-we just moved on with our lives, angry as we were at the outcome. Meanwhile, this guy still lived in the neighborhood and we had to look at him, knowing what he got away with, for years. Fast-forward to June 2008: my son is 15. He's stressed from school, his parents divorced, his mom has remarried and had 3 more kids, hormonal changes gone amok, he's angry, withdrawn and bitter, mostly about this guy getting away with molesting him. So he gets hold of some liquor, drinks it down, goes over to pervert's house, walks in, and proceeds to terrorize him while smashing his house up with a rubber mallet. Cops get called; my son is arrested. Numerous charges applied. Goes to court; due to the court's understanding that this creep molested my son, my son receives probation and some fines. I bring my son home. Since then, he is very agitated, seems angry with me, has been caught drinking/taking Xanax/stealing/lying, tells me his life has sucked for the last 5 years, is getting crappy grades in school, and at times seems like a bomb getting ready to blow. Other times, he's happy and sweet and loving, like he used to be before all this mess. He's in counseling, but I'm afraid he needs more-much more. His Dad was a career-criminal alcoholic, and my worst nightmare is that my son will grow up to be just like him-in prison for half his life, and getting drunk the other half. I'm so afraid he'll have another outburst like he had in June...no one saw that coming, either. We were totally blindsided. I'm starting to wonder if he may be bipolar, as well.
My son means everything to me and I want him to have a happy, full life. Please help!
Well, I can't blame him for wanting to go over to that guys house and smash things up. I also can't blame him for being pissed off at having a lame good-for-nothing alcoholic father. He sounds really angry and he probably feels like nobody stood up for him. He probably feels like you didn't protect him from that creep next door and that you never protected him from his alcoholic father either.
Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you need to go to therapy to learn a little more about your own family dynamics. I think he is mad at you for putting up with his father -- and for having three more children. There's probably a lot going on there.
Last edited by Woof Woof Woof!; 10-31-2008 at 09:39 PM..
[quote=djacques;5936111]I don't buy the claim that an isolated act of sexual molestation causes, let alone excuses, bad behavior later in life. quote]
Ever experienced it or known of anyone who has??? It DOES NOT by any means excuse the bad behavior, and no one is saying it does. You have to try to look at things from his point of view before making any judgements. Not to mention that in a lot of people, it doesn't cause just bad behavior, but can also cause relationship problems as adults, not just romantic but for friendship as well, plus much more other problems. Trust is not as easy to come by anymore. Just because his dad was bad doesn't mean that he will be, moreso it should give him an example of what NOT to do, especially having a caring mother and other positive male examples in his life.
Is it too hard for people to realize that this post is about asking for help in dealing and taking care of the situation, not to be critical or "act" like you know the answer??? If you're not going to try and help the person that's asking, why post anything??
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