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Hi, I'm new here and have read a few posts about the teenage drama. Mine wants to move out as soon as she turns 18 next summer. She makes it clear she can't stand it here. I have trouble being nice to her as I am hurt and offended that she finds it so difficult to be a part of our family. She will still have a year of HS and we won't let her leave until after her senior year. By then maybe she will realize how import college is, but in the meantime, she really thinks she's leaving. She thinks being 18 will be her ticket to do as she wishes with no rules of which she really has very few already. Just to check in and be home by a certain time. I have a hard time reacting to her without being as sarcastic and snotty as she is so I try not to be around her or interfer with her as much as possible. She shares nothing with me. She has a better relationship with her dad. Should I continue to try to stay clear unitl she is ready to be more appreciative of all she has?
BTW she has a twin brother who is a homebody, chats, and spends time with us. Just the opposite of our daughter!
Will she really grow up someday and be civil?
Thanks
Yeah....my 18 yr old goes back and forth on this depending on her mood. She is in college now so really is gone most of the time. When she is gone, she does get homesick (music to my ears!!) but when she is home after the niceness of being home and taken care of wears off (maybe a few days to a week) she is already talking about how she doesn't like to come home and the rules blah blah because after all......wait for it......SHE IS 18 and should be able to do as she pleases! Except who pays for college (partially us anyway); her cell phone; her car ins (when she is home - we did not allow the car to go to college with her); her medical, dental etc etc. I just smile and tell her she better keep on those grades and graduate in 4 years and THEN, once she has a job and is supporting herself, she can make her own rules. While she is living here and we are still supporting her, she needs to abide by the rules of the house....Will that attitude pass? Depends. What was she like growing up? Is this fairly recent or are there other issues at hand? BTW - for pretty much everyone I know, senior year was a nightmare - good, sweet children start to spew pea soup practically - they can see independance want to embrace and roll in it.....sigh.
you need to intervene soon. EVen though she's considered an adult at 18, that doesn't mean she is mentally and adult at that point (No matter HOW much she thinks that)...... I was like her when I was that age. But in the long run I always had to stay at home because of financial reasons. You AND the dad need to make sure she gets a taste of taking care of ALLLLLLLL her own responsibilities BEFORE she turns 18 so she really gets a chance to see what it's like before she just JUMPS in and makes a bunch of mistakes (although, mistakes are the only way she'll learn.... there's no avoiding that)
YOU need to be more assertive. Don't try the guilt trip (crying to make her feel bad, that will only make her more mad, as it did me when my mom would do it)...... whenever my mom SAT ME DOWN and was VERY straightforward and didn't try any manipulation or guilt and just LAID it all out THAT'S usually when I listened the best! The dad needs to help with this situation. She obviously thinks she's mature enough to do it and she probably isn't.
BUT at the same time, you can't really stop her. She'll learn her lessons the hard way. JUST MAKE SURE you let her know you will NOT be bailing her out if she screws up!!!!!! THAT needs to be made VERY clear. Cuz the more you repeat that and lay down that law the more she'll start to rethink. But like I said above, give her a taste of being on her own. Find a place (A friends house, one of those hotels that do rates by the week) and tell her to go live there with RENT and what not and that she's not allowed to have any handouts or do laundry at your house or ANYTHING for like 2 weeks........
By giving her a taste she'll really get the picture
Thanks for your quick response! Your daughter sounds just like mine. Now, I'm only okay when she wants to go shopping! When they were little we had so much fun. I worked, but rarely ever left them with evening babysitters, and was never gone over night. I may have made a mistake---as a teacher wanting to be a stay at home mom, I took them to the school I taught at. Maybe I tried to keep them tooo close. I think things started to change in middle school. As soon as she was out of 6th grade and in her own school, she has been enjoying "her own life".
Can you hear my "sigh"
Don't blame yourself for working or trying to keep her close. I worked part time and I have friends who were able to stay home - we all go through it. I think sometimes I am closer because I did make a huge effort. My daughter and I have always been very close. I think sometimes the closeness makes it more difficult to separate. We were fine through about junior year in HS. Then there were some boyfriend issues and that really caused friction between us. I periodically see my little girl again but not nearly as much as I would like. I do miss her and the relationship we had but I also understand she has to make her own way which includes making mistakes. Your daughter is still young and has some HS left. Mine was young for her grade and graduated HS at 17 so the situation was different - and she does understand the need for college (or some kind of schooling that allows you to support yourself financially). Have you tried writing her a letter with your hopes and concerns? I think that sometimes if they can read something on their own time, in a non-confrontational situation and re-read it at their leisure, they are more open to it. Don't lecture or condemn choices. Just say how much you love her and want her to have the best life possible. If that seems to go ok then take her out for lunch or dinner and say I hear you saying you'd like to move out after graduation...what are your plans? Don't say "that will never work" - just ask. You might be surprised - she may very well have some plans. Also, if your husband seems to have a better relationship with her, talk to him about it....Good luck
I was the same way at the age & I moved out at 17. I ended up pregnant shortly thereafter, but that's beside the point.
It took time, but now that I'm older (29), my parents & I have a great relationship. We're very close.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
Don't lecture or condemn choices. Just say how much you love her and want her to have the best life possible. If that seems to go ok then take her out for lunch or dinner and say I hear you saying you'd like to move out after graduation...what are your plans? Don't say "that will never work" - just ask. You might be surprised - she may very well have some plans. Also, if your husband seems to have a better relationship with her, talk to him about it....Good luck
So far we've been pretty lucky. DD is very responsible, works hard, volunteers, takes school seriously. Just don't like the boyfriend. Everytime we think it's finally over - he's back. Breaks my heart.
Sometimes the break is hardest for the child most like us. Sometimes to build our own lives we feel we need to tear our old lives down. Sometimes the need for independance creates tunnelvision to everything else that is going on in our lives.
Keep the lines of communication open.... she'll come around..... it took me until age 25 to grow up enough to realize my momma wasn't against me.... I left home at 15.
No offense but it kinda sounds like you could be the problem. You react to her in a snotty sarcastic manner? Maybe you both need to grow up. IMO let her finish HS and move out. Maybe she will move back in after she learns the hard way that she didn't know it all. Or...maybe, just maybe...she is capable of being an adult...will go to college, or not, hold down a job and be successful enough to make it. Maybe you don't want to let your little girl go? I always hear parents complaining about their children wanting to grow up and move out at the age of 18....isn't that the idea? Have to cut the tie sometime. Just because she is your daughter does not mean you have to enjoy her company and share hobbies. Like I said, it sounds like you have a problem, not her. She seems happy...just can't stand her smothering mom.
I couldn't wait to move out either... I finally did so at 19, got married at 20, and 10 years and 2 kids later, would not have it any other way. Of course it was hard, but such is life. My parents and I have a great relationship now.
I do know that I talked and talked about moving out when I turned 18, but it took another year for me to actually have a job good enough to support myself, save money, etc. If she still has another year of high school, then unless she drops out and gets her GED, she really won't have a way to support herself anyway, so it's probably a moot point.
Yes, she'll grow up eventually!
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Of course it was hard, but such is life. My parents and I have a great relationship now.
