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When he screams, turn around and totally ignore him. Go wash dishes or load up the washing machine. If he gets a rise out of you, or ANY attention, good or bad, it will reinforce to him that his screaming can push your buttons. Good behavior is rewarded with loving attention and praise from mommie. When he screams, there is no reward, only nothing. Do not look at him, pretend he doesn't exist until he changes his tactic from screaming to something more reasonable.
He's got you wrapped around his little finger...how does it feel? You're the parent...get back in charge! He will try you until the day you die...get control now and develop your mommie-manipulation techniques...you will need them...
Spoken like a real Mom maybe a Grandmom or a school teacher.But a good one.
i am at my wits end. i dont know what to do. my son is 2.5 and EVERYTHING i ask him to do ignites a screaming fit. tonight i asked him to go up to bed and he screamed bloody murder. i was sure my neighbors would call the police at any moment. he just screamed at the top of his lungs and then started yelling "no mommy, no mommy" as if i were beating him (which of course i was not---i was clear across the room). i kept asking him "why are you screaming?!!!!"
i just dont know what to do. i dont know if it is a phase or if there is actually something wrong. i had to leave the house and go for a drive when my DH got back from work.
please tell me there is something i could do or that it will stop soon
First of all, it will stop eventually. My son used to scream at the top of his voice as well as he refused to go to bed in his bed. Eventually, we let him share the room with his sister, but like you, we were afraid the neighbors would call DCS on us as he would bang on the window and scream "Let me out! Let me out!" No neighbors called, and no DCS came. They really outgrow this, but if he has a sibling, company might work. I think you mentioned in another post that you co-sleep with him. Perhaps that has made it harder for him to transition but he'll get there eventually. Like the other posters have advised, ignore the bad behavior and reward the good.
no,we have no other children and although i would like to have another, i dont feel i can handle it--i can hardly handle the one i have.
i went to the grocery store with him this morning and he started screaming in the parking lot, then as i was putting him in the cart he started again and as i was trying to get him to sit, he was trying to get out and screaming. i cannot tell you the looks we get at the stores--as if our son is the only one with this behavior. many times, one of us has to take him to the car while the other continues the shopping. we cant even attend church do to his behavior. i am so upset i just want to cry.
And he KNOWS that and that is why he does it. He WANTS to embarrass you, because it gives him power over you.
I did not permit screaming or any type of manipulation. The rules are the rules, and what I say goes. If he started to scream in the parking lot or in the grocery store, I'd immediately take him to the car and put him in it - by himself. And stand outside or sit on the car with my back to him until he was done.
This has probably been going on since his birth. When he cried in his crib, did you go running in, even though you KNEW he had just been fed and changed and was fine? He Knew you would give in eventually. And this behavior will only get worse if you cry, give in either immediately or eventually, or try to bribe him. The previous posts here have been very good, now I'll give you one more piece of advice -
LAUGH AT HIM.
Eeeek. Totally politically incorrect, I know - but when my kids were demanding and whiny, instead of crying, giving in, or losing my temper, I would laugh. "You look soooooo ridiculous. You should be embarrassed. You look like a fool." Then into the room or the car with him, and CHILL. DO NOT let him see that you are upset, are checking on him, or watching him. Act completely unconcerned. If people pass by and he throws himself at the windows, look at them with a cynical smile, shake your head, laugh and say, "Kids! They have to learn somehow!"
Unless you teach him self-discipline through discipline, he will NEVER learn it.
ALL of my children are grown and know that Mom exists to embarrass THEM, not the other way around. They all have self-discipline, self-esteem and self-confidence (no matter what the social workers pontificate). Oh, yes, and they love me and still ask my advice and we now party, share, and have fun together, as ADULTS. Stop letting him make you into a child, and be the adult-in-charge NOW - or you never will be. Being a parent is a responsibility, not a way to make your own live-in friends, or to have something to cuddle and coo over and have people admire you for. Trust me, they will admire you a LOT more for having a well-behaved child who is taught to exhibit self-control.
At that age, my son did this too. He was an extremely difficult toddler, but the good news is that he is a very easy soon-to-be 9 year old.
We did have an excellent bedtime routine - it began when he was about a year old and we started "slacking" when he was 5 and didn't want us to do it anymore. He always had a hard time settling down for the night, so ours was pretty drawn out and we never strayed. The bedtime fits began about 6 months after the routine was in place (I went in first-Pjs then prayers, one book and then the same two songs. Daddy next with another book and his 2 songs)
We did once have the neighbors call the base police (former Navy) because of the screaming - they had to come in and we had to go get him from the bedroom so they could see he was not covered in bruises and was still alive. Unfortunately, he had just fallen asleep and we had to wake him, so they returned about 30 minutes later when the screaming began again.
Hmmm, well, Granny, I do a version of the laughing thing, but don't take it as far - we do occasionally tell one of ours that if they truly want to throw a good 2 year old fit they should be on the floor pounding their fists and kicking their feet. When my oldest tried his first fit I threw myself on the floor with him and joined him. That got a laugh, which was the point.
However, I do NOT agree that this started in infancy. I would imagine that there are lots of Ferber-cry-themselves-out threads around here if I cared to look, but to the OP, please know that by picking up your crying infant you did not set the stage for this behavior. I would guess that the crying-it-out crowd had much the same issues with 2.5 year old fits, whether the infant was allowed to cry or not....maybe not to the extent you have, but just about every 2 year old tries the screaming thing - that is why they are the terrible 2s! The issue is his behavior NOW, not when he was a baby.
I agree that the screaming should not be tolerated in public. No matter how much you need those groceries, put him in the car - but ONLY until he stops screaming. Don't let him sit in the car the whole time someone shops. Take him out when he is calm and try again, and again...do not be afraid to leave a cart of groceries if you have to. Unfortunately, all the ignoring has to be done without any emotional response from you. When you catch him being good - walking into the store without a fuss, etc - 'WOW, you did such a good job walking holding mommies hand just now, thank you!'
Get a routine going, add choices into his day (a sticker chart will also help focus on the GOOD behavior) and ignore the screaming. Be consistent with your response, and expect a change in his behavior to happen over a 3 week period. Ignoring strategies work, but they do not work immediately and they do get worse before they get better, as jessie said.
Oh, and also be sure you are taking time for you - a time out to drive around when hubby gets home is necessary but not enjoyable. Go for a coffee, movie, commiseration with friends; find a playgroup or mom's club to join and get some 'me' time - that ignoring strategy will fray your nerves, so find some way to recharge!
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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Just my 2 cents, but I never asked if there wasn't a choice. For example, if it's time for him to go to bed, take his hand or place your hand on his shoulder and simply say "time for bed". Guide him to his bed and ignore his protests.
When my kids were two, I gave them choices when I had time (at one point I had 3 boys under 4 years of age) and when it made sense. But certain things, like bedtime, weren't negotiable. So I didn't bother with the asking.
I did have a screamer and if he started screaming, we would say "Ow" in a really high-pitched voice and tell him he was hurting our ears and we couldn't stay. Then we'd leave him in a safe place and ignore him. Once he stopped, we'd go in and talk to him like nothing had happened and wish him a good night's sleep. Seemed to work.
ok
no i do not give him a choice. when its bed time, its bed time and he knows it. no this has not gone on since birth. in fact he was a very good and quiet baby. he slept in his own room and slept through the night.
this is a new thing---maybe 2-3 weeks.
i try to do many of the things you are all saying. i ignore, i speak quietly to him, i take him to his room. i close the door, etc. he starts to get upset--as if i were abandoning him and comes out crying. i put him back in and close the door again--we go through this quite a few times, until he is so distraught that i can no longer justify it.
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You're the parent...get back in charge! He will try you until the day you die...get control now and develop your mommie-manipulation techniques...you will need them...
