I don't like parenting right now! (divorced, clothes, daughter, 16 yr old)
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Is it possible to love all ur kids, but only like one? Is this right? Sometimes I think I have a fairly good son and one that is going through a phase of not so good. Now this is what happened the oldest teenage boy who has a body like a Greek god- u know muscles every where. He is very athletic. This kid is intelligent, tall, good looking and has social capital. This kid really has what it takes, but he is mean especially to his younger brother, whom I like. There is totally no reason for him to be jealous. I only dislike the oldest kids ways. The younger kid has not "arrived" just yet. He is still growing, voice is changing, has difficulty with friends and school. He #1 asset is his heart. He always tries to take the "high road." My eldest should be setting the example, but he is not... Now I left the house for exactly 2 hours and about 50 minutes. The elder kid was home from school, but the younger was not. I specifically told the older where I was going, who I was going with and when I would be back AND I said "make sure u keep the peace, I don't want any problems b/t u and ur brother... understand?" He replied "Okay." I have told the older kid he must keep his hands off his brother and his mouth too... I told him it is important b/c u don't know where something like that may end. He could ruin his future if he is not careful. He is also constantly threatening his younger brother about telling saying "snitches get stitches" or he says watch out ur not going to be around mom all the time." I take my mother who has terminal cancer to the movies and when I get back the oldest kid, who knew how important this outing was acts like nothing has happened. He specifically tells me everything went well... The younger one is clearly upset. I ask him what's wrong, but he denies anything is wrong. I press him and he tells me his older brother beat him up. I am so mad I could spit. I confront the older boy and the younger boy together. The older one gets mad at the younger one and attempts to walk through me to get to his brother. They were actually going to fight with me caught in the middle. I pushed the older kid hard enough to knock him on his bed and I was totally prepared to defend myself. I told the younger to go to his room and lock the door. Then told my oldest to count up the cost of his actions and if he hurts his brother I will prosecute him to the full extent of the law and if he does not stop this behavior he will need to get a job and move out. Am I wrong? I perish the thought of doing anything I said. I love my son, but I can't stand him right now. I know I will defend my other son with my life. How do I impress upon the older kid he absolutely must not put his hand on his younger brother. Any body got any good ideas?
Is it possible to love all ur kids, but only like one? Is this right? Sometimes I think I have a fairly good son and one that is going through a phase of not so good. Now this is what happened the oldest teenage boy who has a body like a Greek god- u know muscles every where. He is very athletic. This kid is intelligent, tall, good looking and has social capital. This kid really has what it takes, but he is mean especially to his younger brother, whom I like. There is totally no reason for him to be jealous. I only dislike the oldest kids ways. The younger kid has not "arrived" just yet. He is still growing, voice is changing, has difficulty with friends and school. He #1 asset is his heart. He always tries to take the "high road." My eldest should be setting the example, but he is not... Now I left the house for exactly 2 hours and about 50 minutes. The elder kid was home from school, but the younger was not. I specifically told the older where I was going, who I was going with and when I would be back AND I said "make sure u keep the peace, I don't want any problems b/t u and ur brother... understand?" He replied "Okay." I have told the older kid he must keep his hands off his brother and his mouth too... I told him it is important b/c u don't know where something like that may end. He could ruin his future if he is not careful. He is also constantly threatening his younger brother about telling saying "snitches get stitches" or he says watch out ur not going to be around mom all the time." I take my mother who has terminal cancer to the movies and when I get back the oldest kid, who knew how important this outing was acts like nothing has happened. He specifically tells me everything went well... The younger one is clearly upset. I ask him what's wrong, but he denies anything is wrong. I press him and he tells me his older brother beat him up. I am so mad I could spit. I confront the older boy and the younger boy together. The older one gets mad at the younger one and attempts to walk through me to get to his brother. They were actually going to fight with me caught in the middle. I pushed the older kid hard enough to knock him on his bed and I was totally prepared to defend myself. I told the younger to go to his room and lock the door. Then told my oldest to count up the cost of his actions and if he hurts his brother I will prosecute him to the full extent of the law and if he does not stop this behavior he will need to get a job and move out. Am I wrong? I perish the thought of doing anything I said. I love my son, but I can't stand him right now. I know I will defend my other son with my life. How do I impress upon the older kid he absolutely must not put his hand on his younger brother. Any body got any good ideas?
Wow. You may have said this earlier in the thread, but how old are we talking about here? Is your older son old enough to move out (over 18?)
Have you tried more intermediate punishment for such behavior? Grounding? No car? etc. Also, how did he react to you telling him this?
Hopefully, you will get some good advice from others on this forum. I had an only child. So I have not had the experience of dealing with sibling problems. My only other thought is to tell your oldest son that you intend from now on to very specifically ask the younger boy if there has been any fighting and that you expect a truthful answer. So hopefully, this will alleviate the "snitch" problem to some degree at least.
I'm bumping this up because I think you do need some advice from others with that situation who have had more than one child to deal with. As I said, I only had one. Hope things are better than when you posted the other day. ((hugs and prayers))
Wow. You may have said this earlier in the thread, but how old are we talking about here? Is your older son old enough to move out (over 18?)
Have you tried more intermediate punishment for such behavior? Grounding? No car? etc. Also, how did he react to you telling him this?
Hopefully, you will get some good advice from others on this forum. I had an only child. So I have not had the experience of dealing with sibling problems. My only other thought is to tell your oldest son that you intend from now on to very specifically ask the younger boy if there has been any fighting and that you expect a truthful answer. So hopefully, this will alleviate the "snitch" problem to some degree at least.
My oldest son is 17. Yes my first line of punishment is always the perks like cell phone, ipod, activities and driving. My son and I didn't talk for a couple of days after this incident. Typically I don't allow my kids not to at least speak to me, but I was so heart broken and I really wanted to avoid having to make good on any threats. I really don't think he is mature enough to live independently at this time; plus, he has a lot of potential if given the right support. I think he thought about what I said. He wants to be a firemen and a criminal record won't get him there. I don't know how what I said really made him feel inside though. Surely he must have felt bad, but I felt worse and guilty. Guilty for all the things I did and should not have or the things I didn't do, but should have. After all aren't I the one responsible for his character. I can see he is trying to avoid confrontation and I can appreciate that. However, I feel we have crossed a threshhold and there is no going back.
You are responsible for his character only to a certain extent. All you can do is lay the groundwork, and when he reaches a certain age, it is up to him to make the right choices. You cannot completely control his choices. I think you have done as well as can be done. Sibling conflict is a very tricky issue.
I'm at the point of just being fed up with my 15 year old daughter!
This past summer, she was staying at a friends' house and the friend's dad dropped them off at my house (even though he knew we were not there) and they had a few friends' over. They even got into the hot tub! I had that thing drained and throughly cleaned after that!
She also told me recently that she was spending the night at a friends' house and I found out that she went to a concert that I had told her she was NOT to go to.
Now she is grounded, her cell phone taken away.
Last night I allowed her to go out to dinner with her BF and BF's parents, since it was BF's b'day. They got home at 11PM but I knew they were going to be late. BF's parents are known for starting late and ending late!
Today, I find out that she skipped first period at school.
What else can I take away from her? I'm so fed up with her. She is 4th of 4 kids and the last one at home.
Vicki
embarass her in front of her friends treat her like she is 7 and that usually worked well with my son . He got embarassed in front of his friends and I told him now how does it feel and he actually saw it from my point of view for once since he embarassed me in front of someone .
My oldest son is 17. Yes my first line of punishment is always the perks like cell phone, ipod, activities and driving. My son and I didn't talk for a couple of days after this incident. Typically I don't allow my kids not to at least speak to me, but I was so heart broken and I really wanted to avoid having to make good on any threats. I really don't think he is mature enough to live independently at this time; plus, he has a lot of potential if given the right support. I think he thought about what I said. He wants to be a firemen and a criminal record won't get him there. I don't know how what I said really made him feel inside though. Surely he must have felt bad, but I felt worse and guilty. Guilty for all the things I did and should not have or the things I didn't do, but should have. After all aren't I the one responsible for his character. I can see he is trying to avoid confrontation and I can appreciate that. However, I feel we have crossed a threshhold and there is no going back.
Maybe you could try writing him a letter explaining what you explained to us. Sometimes teens get so wrapped up in the emotion and testosterone of the event they don't really see and hear what is going on. If he has cooled off he might be receptive to reading what you have to say in the privacy of his room. Ask for him to write you back - maybe some emotional distance is what you both need right now.
You are responsible for his character only to a certain extent. All you can do is lay the groundwork, and when he reaches a certain age, it is up to him to make the right choices. You cannot completely control his choices. I think you have done as well as can be done. Sibling conflict is a very tricky issue.
Yes, exactly. Don't get mired down in false guilt. The teen years are very challenging without question.
Sun Queen, how have things been going with your boys? I was thinking about your situation. Perhaps a different approach is in order.
Your older one is old enough now that you might see better results if you enlist his cooperation rather than demanding his compliance. Along the lines of, "You're almost a man now and I need your help with..."
One, he may be taken aback by this, and let his guard down. Two, you are acknowledging what I know a 17 year old sees as his adulthood. He will hopefully feel more included, and you draw him in to you rather than closing him out. Feeling treated as an adult may inspire him to act more like one.
I wish you the best and hope this can help.
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((hugs and prayers))
