Friend doesn't discipline her kid - drives me crazy! (ADHD, custody, out of control)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have a friend who doesn't discipline her kid AT ALL! I love my friend, but it's so annoying when they come over, my husband goes in the back room to watch TV! I've resorted to planning our visits at their house.
The kid farts in the middle of the room (without even being embarassed), whines about everything, speaks without thinking about social graces. The other day he said about my 18 mo old: "I don't like his teeth, they look funny." I waited for his mom to say something and when she didn't, I said: "You know what they say, if you don't have anything nice to say..." Of course he doesn't know what they say, because they (his parents) don't say anything! He'll get up when we're in a restaurant and say, "let's go, I'm bored..." His mom will say, "We're still eating. Why don't you go outside and walk around."
I think he's got something wrong with him. He's in 5th grade but he acts like he's 4 or something. He has no sense of himself. But he's in the GATE program at school, is an avid reader, and has an incredible vocabulary. Does this sound like any disorder you know about, or is it just bad parenting?
I know a kid like this. Actually I know 2 kids like this. I don't think its a disorder. Well, I can't say that for sure, but I wouldn't assume that, I think its a personality, coupled with a particular parenting style. Until you said he's in fifth grade, I was thinking, well...the kid is blunt, but he's not actually being mean...but really by fifth grade the kid should have some self-control/self-editing ability.
I can imagine the parents' inner dialogue, because all the examples you gave, they're a lack of social graces, not really examples of a destructive or harmful behavior. Some parents get used to behavior that from the outside is clearly improper for a child's age, but in their minds, they've excused it for so long they don't even realize that they should be correcting this. THey're thinking, he's not hitting, he's just being direct, that's just how he's always been.
I feel free to comment on this behavior when I experience it in the kids I know. I just say, in our house, we excuse ourselves when we fart. Or, I'm sure your mom will consider your request if you ask in a normal tone. I keep it matter of fact, as these kids tend to be a little detached from emotionally laden signals. Their parents haven't abandoned me yet.
Now I'm wondering....are these traits of Asperger's - anyone?
That's what I was wondering too. I've actually talked with my friend about it, she thinks he's a genius - and has mentioned Asperger's. She gets embarrassed by his behavior, but doesn't correct it. I think your analysis of her not noticing 1/2 the stuff is spot on!
I don't think he's a genius, it's just that SHE does his homework! I told her to get his IQ tested, but she won't. Because, I think she fears that he might not be.
Just drives me INSANE when she says, "You're so lucky your two kids are so well-behaved!" I want to shake her and say, "Luck has nothing to do with it!"
Well you can have Aspergers and not be a genius, although often the kids are very smart in their own quirky ways. And I know kids who have actually been diagnosed with Aspergers and they have learned to behave much better than these other kids. So its not really an excuse. Either she gets him examined/diagnosed and finds a program that can help her with his behavior, or she starts raising the bar on his behavior. Do you know why she doesn't correct him if she's embarassed? Does he react badly?
Well you can have Aspergers and not be a genius, although often the kids are very smart in their own quirky ways. And I know kids who have actually been diagnosed with Aspergers and they have learned to behave much better than these other kids. So its not really an excuse. Either she gets him examined/diagnosed and finds a program that can help her with his behavior, or she starts raising the bar on his behavior. Do you know why she doesn't correct him if she's embarassed? Does he react badly?
Yes, he whines and will whimper and even cry like a baby! He's 10!
She's definitely embarrassed of that. It's so sad cuz the dad has just given up on it, and calls him a wimp. He's tired of his wife complaining when he'd try to tell him to knock it off, so he just doesn't try anymore.
I personally think in some way she likes babying him because she's got nobody else to baby. But that kid's gonna get his ass kicked in HS.
Do you know why she doesn't correct him if she's embarassed? Does he react badly?
React badly? So what. If a kid that age wants to throw a temper tantrum anywhere, anytime, I'd let him make a fool of himself. By just allowing that kind of behavior, he will never stop, and imagine high school...
My stepson has just moved in with us and his been diagnosed with Asperger's. (By three different physicians - we didn't trust the earlier diagnoses.) Your friend's son's behavior sounds, in some ways, like some of the traits of Aspergers - the inability to understand appropriate social interaction/boundaries for instance.
BUT, good consistent parenting, guidance and perhaps counseling go a long way toward guiding that behavior. I'd say in all probability, he's just being allowed to get away with bratty behavior!
I'm personally dealing with this myself. Both of my stepchildren (12 and 13) have just moved in with us because their mother is seriously mentally ill and it was no longer a safe environment for them. (And she tries to make all our live's seriously miserable - to the point of threatening my life! I guess she can't stand her kids being in a happy, healthy home.)
My ss has Asperger's, depression and OCD (all diganosed by 3 different docs.) My sd has very severe ADHD and is literally out of control without her medication. Add to that a completely messed up home life with an unstable mother for the last 6 months until we could get custody, and they're a mess!
I also have a 2 year old and am 3 months pregnant. We also just moved so we could be closer to them until we could get custody and just closed on our house today - at a huge loss. What a crazy couple of months!
We have a very normal, stable, supportive, loving home, so we hope they will be able to do well here. Okay, so none of that had anything to do with the OP, but I feel better having vented a bit! Thanks!
So in a shameless attempt to turn this selfish post into helpful advice, I'd say your friend just needs to have some consistent boundaries and positive encouragement, and whether it's just bad behavior or something else, it should help at least!
React badly? So what. If a kid that age wants to throw a temper tantrum anywhere, anytime, I'd let him make a fool of himself. By just allowing that kind of behavior, he will never stop, and imagine high school...
Well, duh! But I was asking why the kid's actual mom doesn't discipline him. Is she scared of him having a tantrum? What you or I would do is of little help in understanding what's been happening in their home.
My DSS has ASD. Yes, some of the OP's examples are traits of ASD. BUT, they are also traits of a child who has control of the household. Children who learn at an early age (ASD or not) that whining/tantrums/hitting/whatever will get them what they want, then use these reinforced lessons to manipulate the adults into giving in and letting the child mae the descions for the family. Something as annoying as his remark in the resteraunt reinforces his position.... {I'm bored... I wanna leave... so my parents are going to make that happen for me}
DSS is 10 also. And he is very sensitive. If he gets called down he does get teary.... but that is not going to stop us from calling him down for inappropriate behavior. How else is he going to learn? Just the other night, after bedtime I heard angry noises comming from his room.... He was having a minitantrum because he didn't get to watch a tv show that day (dvr and quite honestly I didn't want to watch it). I told him that if her was going to throw a fit over it, I'd erase every episode and turn the auto record off. He calmed down and things were back to normal. The thing is, there are concequences for actions..... so he whines.... give him consequences for whining. A good month to six weeks of consistant dicipline will bring a world of change in this boy. But until the parents stop babying him, he will continue to act like an inpulsive four year old.
Last edited by rockinmomma; 01-31-2009 at 10:02 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
He's 10!
