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Is it normal for a 12 year old to be unable to bathe, shampoo, brush her own hair and teeth? My niece was diagnosed many years ago with mild autism, so not sure if this is part of her issue. I remember when I was 12 years old, I was very girly with my friends. We loved trying new shampoos and loved styling our hair.
My mom and I constantly have to nag my niece to bathe and brush her teeth. She's in puberty, smells, has acne, struggles with wearing menstrual pads. Her gums are nasty and inflamed; her teeth a bright yellow from scum. The few times she's attempted to wash her longer hair, she gets out of the bath full of soap.
We've bought her special acne facial cleanser, medication, body puff and body wash. We try and teach her proper hygiene, but she ignores us and outright lies that she's done something. (We see brown scum around her neck.) My mom even caught her sitting at the edge of the tub just swishing her foot in the water. I don't understand how she doesn't find this disgusting!
(By the way my niece is adopted, my brother and her mother were abusive when she was a baby. My mom adopted her from 6 months on.)
Last edited by WildSpark; 07-12-2017 at 11:13 AM..
Is it normal for a 12 year old to be unable to bathe, shampoo, brush her own hair and teeth? My niece was diagnosed many years ago with mild autism, so not sure if this is part of her issue. I remember when I was 12 years old, I was very girly with my friends. We loved trying new shampoos and loved styling our hair.
My mom and I constantly have to nag my niece to bathe and brush her teeth. She's in puberty, smells and has acne. Her gums are nasty and inflamed; her teeth a bright yellow from scum. The few times she's attempted to wash her longer hair, she gets out of the bath full of soap.
We've bought her special acne facial cleanser and medication. We try and teach her proper hygiene, but she ignores us and outright lies that she's done something. (We see brown scum around her neck.) My mom even caught her sitting at the edge of the tub just swishing her foot in the water. I don't understand how she doesn't find this disgusting!
(By the way my niece is adopted, my brother and her mother were abusive when she was a baby. My mom adopted her from 6 months on.)
I know another couple dealing with the same stuff-- including wiping poop off behind problem. The kid is sixteen! Sadly, and more than anything, it's about the genes (defective). I feel sorry for your mom!
Last edited by picklejuice; 07-12-2017 at 11:25 AM..
While it is unusual for someone who is 12, even with mild autism, to be that reluctant to bathe and do self-care it does happen. Sometimes it is fear of water, other times a sensitivity to temperature changes or even trying to avoid new tactile stimulation like a new toothpaste or new towels (or a new detergent on the old towels).
I suspect that the problem may be that you did not set up the expectations from early childhood that she have an increasingly larger role in her own self care.
What can you do now? Just take it slowly. Perhaps use techniques that have been effective in the past, such as story scripts or behavior management techniques.
I know that it is summer now, but what did her special education teachers suggest when you mentioned this to them during the school year? If her problems are that large they must have noticed it at school.
Doesn't she see a dentist twice annually? There is neglect going on. Diseased gums can affect the body's overall health, and is known to cause heart problems.
My take is that some of this self-neglect (I'm sorry, OP, I can't help thinking there's some parental neglect, due to the state of her oral hygiene, as well) may be due to the abuse she suffered as an infant. Did the new parents make a concerted effort to remedy that, after adoption? I mean, by providing a lot of love and affection, cuddling her, letting her know she was loved? They say those first 6 years of life set the stage for personality formation, and success in the rest of life. I know there's the additional challenge of mild autism, but I worry that this child needs to learn self=love, self-care. I wonder if there are psychologists around, who specialize in autism and early childhood/infancy trauma.
I think its normal for kids who aren't neuro-typical to have trouble grooming. Are you and your mother her full time care giver? Has her full time care giver accessed resources to help her adjust to her struggles?
I am not going to go down the rabbit hole of blame. Just offer advice.
1) No more blaming and shaming. Grooming is a matter of fact thing, she isn't gross, she needs guidance.
2) If she hasn't been, she likely needs OT and PT evals. And perhaps IQ and executive functioning testing.
3) Many kids with ASD are visual learners. Invest in a laminator (not expensive) and make visual lists for her to follow. i.e. To brush her teeth it would be a sign or a book with a visual cue for each step. Also if she is an auditory learner, a recorded script to follow might help.
4) Girls often love long hair. But there are some very cute short cuts (look up inverted bob). If she isn't able to wash it fully or brush it, a short cut is appropriate. It doesn't have to be a punishment. Just make sure you have people lined up to tell her how great it looks.
5) Period underwear! If you go on Amazon they have tons of options for period underwear. They aren't the same as thinx, much less expensive. You still use a pad but they are great at catching the leaks. My daughter was very young when she started and they have been a life saver. But I hear some people have good luck with thinx for kids struggling with leaks.
6) Sometimes "yes, when" is the way to go. Perhaps she loves watching a movie. When she asks you say "yes, after your shower"
7) back to lists, she might need a visual list of the grooming that is expected daily.
8) Go to youtube and look up social stories
9) and above all...I am no expert...get expert help
P.S. I really suggest looking into developmental trauma. She might not have ASD at all, there is a lot of cross over. Also suggest looking into TBRI, connected parenting, theraplay. How many services is she getting?
Last edited by HighFlyingBird; 07-12-2017 at 05:13 PM..
You clearly have NO idea about ASD. Showering/Hair/aunt flo/Brushing teethe is a SENSORY related task. Many dont like the input that goes with it.
My 9yr old has SPD ( sensory processing disorder) and some kids with ASD can fall in there too. Thats how I know. My daughter HATES showers and brushing her hair. She has a visual chart, she can shower with her sister, i can get special brushes... and NONE of it matters to her. She needs help. " wet your hair, use this much soap, lather, make sure you rinse, get over there by your ears, get your soap and washcloth, wash your body, dont forget your toes.....on and on.
It helps to distract them from the input. They are focused on the small tasks not " this washcloth is too scratchy".
Try cloth pads instead of disposable ones. Try a different toothbrush with a different head.
My daughter will lie about it all too. " I brushed my hair " and you can look at her and know. " i put on deodorant" and you can smell her.
and for the love of pete, ITS NOT ABUSE OR NEGLECT. Its a brain issue they have.
Last edited by Ohky0815; 07-12-2017 at 06:04 PM..
Reason: traded mental for brain.
You clearly have NO idea about ASD. Showering/Hair/aunt flo/Brushing teethe is a SENSORY related task. Many dont like the input that goes with it.
My 9yr old has SPD ( sensory processing disorder) and some kids with ASD can fall in there too. Thats how I know. My daughter HATES showers and brushing her hair. She has a visual chart, she can shower with her sister, i can get special brushes... and NONE of it matters to her. She needs help. " wet your hair, use this much soap, lather, make sure you rinse, get over there by your ears, get your soap and washcloth, wash your body, dont forget your toes.....on and on.
It helps to distract them from the input. They are focused on the small tasks not " this washcloth is too scratchy".
Try cloth pads instead of disposable ones. Try a different toothbrush with a different head.
My daughter will lie about it all too. " I brushed my hair " and you can look at her and know. " i put on deodorant" and you can smell her.
and for the love of pete, ITS NOT ABUSE OR NEGLECT. Its a mental issue they have.
I very much agree except it isn't a mental issue, its a neurological and developmental issue.
And to those who claim inflamed gums is neglect. My husband is very careful about oral care and still needs a full cleaning every 3 months (like his father) because of his genetics. My brother was neurotic about his oral care and I was lazy. He had many, many cavities. I had none. Oral health isn't a sign of neglect. Ite genetic.
I very much agree except it isn't a mental issue, its a neurological and developmental issue.
And to those who claim inflamed gums is neglect. My husband is very careful about oral care and still needs a full cleaning every 3 months (like his father) because of his genetics. My brother was neurotic about his oral care and I was lazy. He had many, many cavities. I had none. Oral health isn't a sign of neglect. Ite genetic.
I should clarify- i meant mental as in the brain. Neuro would have been a better term.
While it could have to do with her autism, it could also just be a phase. I taught 5th grade for six years, and 6th grade for one year. I always had at least one kiddo with an aversion to bathing and general hygiene. When there were multiples in the classroom, I'd get the guidance counselor over to have a quick chat. When it was just one or two, I'd talk with them. If it didn't improve, I'd have the guidance counselor talk to them. One of the students in sixth grade was the worst. Sometimes I'd have to ask her the last time she took a bath. Sometimes she didn't know. Some of the other kids refused to sit next to her at times because she smelled so bad. Her mother is special needs herself and unable to control the child at all. It came to the point where I'd ask her every day- did you shower last night? And I'd have to remind her to do it when she got home.
Is there a guidance counselor at her school that could talk to her about it? Does it effect her relationships with her peers? As awful as it sounds, it may have to come to no fun activities until you bathe. (Once school is back in session, have her do it as soon as she gets home. Not the best time to bathe, but it is better than not at all!) And an adult sits on the toilet once she is in the shower with the curtain closed.
Also, has she picked out her own shower stuff? Maybe that will help- have her pick what shampoo and soap. And also how she'd prefer to wash- wash cloth, loofah, scrub brush, lol. Whatever helps her.
Why would you ask if something is "normal" about a kid that isn't neurotypical?
That isn't the question. The question needs to be to professionals about what steps can be taken to improve the situation.
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