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I struggle with this, mainly because it's wrong no matter how you slice it. While the number of women flaking on their kids is more common than I thought, it really grinds my gears. I'm not talking about cases where the ex gained custody because he had more money, or somehow manipulated the system. I mean a woman who lost custody because she neglected her child, did drugs, abused them, anything that was totally and completely her doing.
I don't bat an eyeleash anymore than when the countless number of dads lose custody. What does it matter which gender gets to care for their kids? Dads love their kids, too and can manage to play the role of caregiver just as will as the mother's can. Sometimes better depending on the situation.
I don't get it when I hear/read about women (with no substance abuse tendencies) who walk away from their kids (at 3 months, 9 months, 2 years, 3 years of age), leaving them to their dads or grandparents. Something like Kramer vs. Kramer. So you see this baby for 3-9 months, you bond and breastfeed the baby, then you are up and in another city. You still produce the milk. You don't see the little toes anymore. Or you've witnessed the little mind development for 2-3 years, and nothing touched you?
I don't get it when I hear/read about women (with no substance abuse tendencies) who walk away from their kids (at 3 months, 9 months, 2 years, 3 years of age), leaving them to their dads or grandparents. Something like Kramer vs. Kramer. So you see this baby for 3-9 months, you bond and breastfeed the baby, then you are up and in another city. You still produce the milk. You don't see the little toes anymore. Or you've witnessed the little mind development for 2-3 years, and nothing touched you?
Perhaps some women just don't bond with their kids. Not all moms breastfeed. Not all moms want to stay home. Just because you're a woman and bore children does not mean you automatically feel all these things society says women are supposed to feel.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying what some women do is right, but I don't buy into the "just because you're a woman and a mother" thing. I know a lot of dads who are the better parent, and I can think of one dad in particular who has custody of his two sons, aged 2 and 5. The mother is never mentioned. I've never seen her at school or at any sports game or function.
If a mother endangered her children, she deserves to loose them just as much as a father who endangered them. Makes no difference. Lots of dads decide they don't want a family and leave; some mothers do it too. Maybe they just can't handle the constand need of children.
Last edited by firefightermom; 03-16-2009 at 10:06 AM..
i am a mom of 5 kids- i gave birth to 3, my dh and his ex had 2. when i first moved in with my dh, the following monday morning his ex was on my doorstep at 8am with their son to drop him off. my dh told me this would happen, as even when they were married she would drop off the kids wih gramma or whoever by 8am and when he got out of work he would figure out where they were and go get them. for about three years we would bring them to her just before bedtime and she would drop them off in the morning and we had them every weekend. then, for other reasons, we took custody. after i got to know her, i found she loved her children (and still does) very much, our maternal instints are just wired differently. after all how many woman are there that have nanny's to do their nurturing for them while they go off to work or whatever. what i found for us, my dh's ex is a very high strung perfectionist, and she is so worried that she is going to mess up or that the kids arent going to be perfect, and she stresses at everything. if they make a mess she gets anxious, at night she turns phones off, tvs off, no noise allowed because the child mightwake up- for me, its kind of funny, but i respect that its not to her. and i thank her for giving me 2 more wonderful children to be able to care for.
I get that some women don't have the mothering instinct. I never implied that men couldn't be good, or even better parents. This was not meant to be a gender bashing . It seems unnatural to me for a woman to abandon or neglect her children. It's just a personal "ick".
To me it does not matter if it is the father or the mother that loses custody. If that parent repeaditly abused that child then they should not have that child.
I am a single Mother because my Daughters Father made a choice to NOT be involved in her life.
I try to not be a judgemental person in general but I am affraid I do judge men and women rather harshly regarding how they treat their kids, are they paying child support, are they spending time with their children, are they treating the spouse or ex spouse decently in front of the children, that is part of being a good parent, respecting the other parent.
If a man or a woman has gotten so bad in their life that they loose the legal right to see their children then they are pretty low in my opinion. I of course don't argue that they should be able to. I don't believe the court removes such rights lightly and they do so only to protect the child and I totally agree with that.
I think we have seen here in Florida with the children we have currently missing or dead that maybe there are a few out there who still have custody who should not for the safety of the child.
I make no difference however with men or women. We are both responsible for our children.
I get that some women don't have the mothering instinct. I never implied that men couldn't be good, or even better parents. This was not meant to be a gender bashing . It seems unnatural to me for a woman to abandon or neglect her children. It's just a personal "ick".
There are plenty of women who abuse(physically or emotionally) their children. Then when the children grow up and decide to cut off the abuser from their life they get the "but she is your mother" or "a mother is a mother". Just because you have lived a sheltered life around good mothers doesn't mean everyone else has. So if you ever come across a person who has chosen not to have their mother in their life please don't judge them. Not that I am saying you do. TIA.
Regarding your "ick" factor, I do not get using drugs, criminal behavior or promiscuity either.
I think we can all agree that becoming a parent doesn't mean that you are ready to be a parent.
Getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant is so easy the animals without opposable thumbs can do it.
Its what you do afterward.
I think its sad but true that society has MORE of an ick factor with a woman who is a bad MOther then with men who are bad Fathers. At least thats how I see it.
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