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ok, so I have two adult children. my son just turned 19 and my daughter is about to turn 21. My daughter has always been highly motivated to work and has been doing so for years now. She now works in a professional job and is ready to move onto something else for a change.
I have never had a problem getting her to work, etc..
Now, my son on the other hand needs constant motivation to work. He works part time and enjoys making money but seems to be under the impression that he can just get another part time job and live off of two part time jobs.
I would like to believe I've done a good job with them both, they were never in trouble with the law, no one got pregnant or got someone else pregnant, they both graduated high school with good grades and are both well liked by everyone. They are both good people. I don't know how to motivate my son to want to work and to take life more seriously.
They both live at home, daughter moved back after a move didn't work out for her and my son doesn't have his own car yet because to be honest we do okay but I as a single parent can't afford to outright buy him a car but I'm paying for him to be on my insurance and we share mine (he works nights), he has money saved and we are car shopping.
My problem isn't him living at home, no car etc as he does things around the house without me asking but it just seems like he doesn't take lifes responsibilities seriously and it drives me nuts! He bought himself a new phone, fine. But then in conversation he said something to the effect that he might be getting another one soon because he keeps dropping this one to which I replied that was a crappy attitude to have and that a new phone would cost more money - he replies that he has insurance and so what that's what insurance is for.
So, I said look we have insurance on that car so is it okay to banging it up just because we pay for it? These kinds of things come out of his mouth all the time. We have an opportunity coming up (new job) to move out of state and the kids aren't coming, they want to stay but I worry about my son because of his leisurely attitude which is very maddening to me. His father and I divorced many years ago and while he did "his part" and paid child support and he was active in their lives he too is a very unmotivated person and I'm the complete opposite. I've been working since I was about 14.
I'm just frustrated because I want him to do well in life but you can't these days without having major motivation to do so and I have tried all the motivational tools I know of and nothing seems to work.
Anyone experiencing this same thing or did experience it and have any words of wisdom to pass onto me?
All comments / suggestions are appreciated!
It could be more of a birth order situation than a boy vs. girl situation. IMO and experience, first borns tend to be the more responsible and children that are the babies of the family try to skate by doing the bare minimum.
It could be any number of things but it seems like it's working for him so far....I agree with the PP who said - give him a choice - get in some kind of training program (be it CC, vocational school, whatever) put appropriate effort in or find full time employment and start paying his own expenses and some rent. That is the price of living at home. Give him a timeframe and lay out what will happen if he hasn't accomplished the goal in the timeframe. Write it down, have him sign it and follow through. Tough love. It will be the best gift you could give him (although it may be awhile before he sees that).
It could be more of a birth order situation than a boy vs. girl situation. IMO and experience, first borns tend to be the more responsible and children that are the babies of the family try to skate by doing the bare minimum.
I agree about the birth order. We start expecting more of the firstborn as soon as the second born comes home.
Also there is something about moms and their boys. I have seen it with my brother and my BIL. Also, the first time I met my MIL she told me about her visit to my hubby's first apartment. She had dragged my FIL on a plane in the middle of the summer (100 degree weather) just to make sure my hubby wasn't sleeping in the floor.
To the OP...I know anything you do will be very difficult, but you are not doing him any favors allowing him to continue to mooch off you.
I'm not one to say that kids need to be booted out at midnight on their 18th birthday. But, at the same time, if you let this situation continue he will be living on your couch playing video games all day long at the age of 30. He may even bring a wife and kids into the mix. You have to be tough now if you don't want that to happen.
Give him 2 options:
1) school - be it community college, a university, technical school, vocational school, etc. OR
2) FULL-time job (or another part time job with a minimum total of 40 hours of work each week) AND paying rent to live with you
If he does not choose one or the other within say....1-2 months...the locks will be changed AND he will not be permitted to take ANYTHING with him that you paid for.
What motivation have you used to get him up off his hind end? Maybe making him pay rent would make him see that his financal situation would be better suited to a full time job. Take the money and put it aside for college. As for a car, a hoopdie will get him from point a to point b. My son will be driving in a year. He will get my vehicle (paid for 10 years old) and I will get another one. Son will be responsible for insurance and gas. If he can't afford either he won't be driving. Son will be getting a job.... he's even applied for some already, but with the economy what it is and the limited hours he can work, he's not desireable to employers. (work permits do not allow for work after 7pm and he doesn't get out of school until 3:30 and I am at work until 5 so I can't take him to a job before 5:30 or 6) But when he is driving he will be more desireable to potential employers.
As of your post, your son has no reason to step up. You need to give him a reason. I'm not saying it as an either or situation, but as a responsibility he needs to fulfill. Look at it this way, you wouldn't put up with this laiz-faire attitude with his father, why are you putting up with it from your child?
I agree with you all. I've already begun taking steps to help his motivation... I think its partly my own deep seated guilt about divorcing their father and I'm sure I'm not the only single parent that has those feelings.. but yes, the motivating has already begun... I mostly just wanted to know if others were in a similar situation and how they handled it.
Thanks to all.
Just move out without him. That's all the motivation he'll need.
And don't wuss out.
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I have seen it with my brother and my BIL. Also, the first time I met my MIL she told me about her visit to my hubby's first apartment. She had dragged my FIL on a plane in the middle of the summer (100 degree weather) just to make sure my hubby wasn't sleeping in the floor. 
