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Lesson learned...I would just be very clear with her if she comes over in the future. "Nothing gets taken out of this house with out my permission". Tell her if you see she has taken anything, she will no longer be welcome over. You are the parent, set the rules and enforce them. I really don't see it as a big deal. If we cut everyone out of our kids lives that did something wrong, they would be friendless.
My daughter has a tough time with understanding social etiquettes and has had a very tough time making friends. She was recently diagnosed with high anxiety disorder and aspbergers. She's an intelligent 4th grader but has a tough time with interaction with other kids. We've encouraged this relationship with Emilie as they've known one another for four to five years. Emilie and her mom began attending our church a few months ago and are very involved.
We've known the Emilie has an issue with taking things that don't belong to her and her mother has reprimanded her in front of us numerous times on asking other kids for their toys. This was the first time Emilie stayed with us without her mother.
We have taken the opportunity to explain to our daughter why we think Emilie did this. Our daughter still wants Emilie to be her friend and allow her to visit our house. I want to protect my daughter and family, but at the same time I do want her to learn as one other poster mentioned. My daughter is a lot like me so I think I understand why she allowed Emilie to take the stuffed puppies. However, when she got them back she was so relieved. Her anxiety level went from a 15 down to a 4.
Maybe this could be a good learning experience for both of them?
I sure hope so. It definitely makes my wife and I more aware. Our daughter was very embarrassed and kept apologizing to us. We told her there was no reason to apologize. Talking with her gave us the opportunity to give her some new tools to deal with situations like this one.
From the reaction you got from the visiting child, "deer in the headlights", you may have nipped the problem in the bud. This child seems to have the "makings" for being a bully at some point. She pestered your daughter until your daughter gave in and handed over the stuffed toys. I would reinforce in your daughter the importance of sticking to her guns when her friends put pressure on her; pressure of any kind. This is especially important with your daughter approaching her teens in another 3 years.
I would probably say go ahead and talk with this child's Mom, if you are good friends with her and socialize on a regular basis. Don't make a huge deal out of it but tell her. Let her know that you are trying to teach your daughter how to make decisions and stick to her guns and that your daughter felt somewhat pressured into handing over these stuffed animals. As far as the other toys coming up a.w.o.l. kind of late to say anything to the mom now so I wouldn't go there.
Kids do all kinds of trading and dealing but you have to be sure that they were not pressured into doing so and did really want to "make the deal". My son was constantly trading marble, baseball cards, matchbox cars...that kind of stuff so I know they will do this voluntarily as well.
Good luck...not as big a dilemma as you think...this friend's child needs a little more guidance I think.
I sure hope so. It definitely makes my wife and I more aware. Our daughter was very embarrassed and kept apologizing to us. We told her there was no reason to apologize. Talking with her gave us the opportunity to give her some new tools to deal with situations like this one.
Exactly and if this girl is a good friend in other ways, and your DD has some challenges socially, I would probably try to figure out a way they can both benefit from the lesson and the friendship can continue. OTOH, if this girl is really not a good friend to your DD then you do want her to be able to differentiate between a person who is a good friend and one who is not. Good luck.
I would continue to have the girl over. You sound like a good influence on her.
We have learned not to let the kids give away or trade toys. Even at 12 years of age they do not understand how to make a fair deal. With our 12 y.o., he can do this but he has to get parental approval. WIth the younger ones, the rule is that the toys stay at our house. We never take toys to other peoples houses and we try to encourage other people not to bring toys to our house. Its fun to play with other people toys - something different. It also helps to teach the kids to share because the visitor has no toys and so our kids have to share with them and this is sometimes hard for them as whatever the visitor wants to play with, suddenly that is what our kids want and so on. Often leads to tears. But it helps that as a parent, we can re assure them that the visitor is going to give it back when they go home so it is not lost forever.
My daughter has a tough time with understanding social etiquettes and has had a very tough time making friends. She was recently diagnosed with high anxiety disorder and aspbergers. She's an intelligent 4th grader but has a tough time with interaction with other kids. We've encouraged this relationship with Emilie as they've known one another for four to five years. Emilie and her mom began attending our church a few months ago and are very involved.
We've known the Emilie has an issue with taking things that don't belong to her and her mother has reprimanded her in front of us numerous times on asking other kids for their toys. This was the first time Emilie stayed with us without her mother.
We have taken the opportunity to explain to our daughter why we think Emilie did this. Our daughter still wants Emilie to be her friend and allow her to visit our house. I want to protect my daughter and family, but at the same time I do want her to learn as one other poster mentioned. My daughter is a lot like me so I think I understand why she allowed Emilie to take the stuffed puppies. However, when she got them back she was so relieved. Her anxiety level went from a 15 down to a 4.
Don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds to me that you think your dd has to settle for a lesser quality friend because she has issues. That has the potential of causing so many problems in the future. If your dd has tough time making friends I would work on that. Try to give her tools that will help her. Practice what to say when she meets new kids, etc...
When I was a kid, I had a "best" friend who would steal things from me or try to steal things from me all the time. I think it took me a while to catch on, but she was also a very spoiled child and at home she usually got things her way if she threw a fit. I eventually got fed up with it and started stealing my things back when asking/demanding outright didn't work.
My mother tried to speak with the girl's parents and they simply didn't care. Eventually when I'd gotten back many of my belongings I always came up with excuses why I couldn't hang out with her when she wanted me to. Eventually I had another friend help me tell her off, I told her I was sick of her stealing things from me and that our friendship was over and that was that. I never looked back, and never hung out with her again. Was a long time ago, but I think it did me a world of good.
Sorry if that was kind of long. I'd have a talk with your daughter about bullies and people of the "friends that try to use you" variety. I'd also casually bring it up with the girl's mother if you don't think it will cause any major issues. As someone who's been in your daughter's position, situations like this suck!!! Good luck!
I can't imagine how your daughter must feel dealing with anxiety at that tender age. I suffer from generalized anxiety, PTSD and panic attacks and I can tell you as an adult its very hard to cope with.
I have been told by my therapist that I should confront the anxiety and panic with logic. Maybe that might help your sweet little girl.
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Daughter's Friend Taking Toys
I think it took me a while to catch on, but she was also a very spoiled child and at home she usually got things her way if she threw a fit. I eventually got fed up with it and started stealing my things back when asking/demanding outright didn't work.
