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Old 04-07-2009, 03:11 PM
 
11,642 posts, read 23,812,076 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theroc5156 View Post
Because your children are relying on you and need help. They can't fend for themselves like an adult can. An adult should be able to handle things by themselves.
Look, I am not suggesting that parents should neglect the basic care of their children. Nor am I suggesting that parents simply ignore their kids so that they can pursue their own interests. However, I do think that parents are raising spoiled rotten children if they constantly put their children first.

I am not suggesting that parents do not help their children. What I am suggesting is that all family members have needs including the adults. Children who are elevated to godlike status grow up to be miserable adults.

Nobody in my house gets to be the number one priority all the time. But everyone gets a turn to be the number one priority, including my husband and I.
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Old 04-07-2009, 04:44 PM
 
8,518 posts, read 15,595,546 times
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A lot of kids are spoiled today. The irony is that many of them are spoiled because the parents DON'T want to spend time with them. The parents work all day, they come home exhausted, and they don't have the energy to deal with the screaming kid who wants attention. So they pick up fast food or order a pizza, let the kid go watch TV or play video games, and before long that kid grows up to be an overweight teenager who thinks he can get anything he wants. Just imagine how different that kid might turn out if his parents found the time and energy to actually parent. But too many parents act more like babysitters than parents. Worse, a lot of parents treat their kids like pets. Did I feed him? Check? Is he clean? Check? Does he have enough toys to occupy him? Check. Did he potty already? Check. Your life doesn't have to revolve around your kids, but for these parents, the kids are almost like an accessory to their lives.

Now, there's no question that parents should be allowed to pursue interests of their own. If you love watching football with your buddies, you shouldn't have to give that up once you have kids. At the same time, you should be willing to cut back. There are too many parents out there who have kids and seem to make no changes whatsoever. It's those parents that are selfish, because they want the kids without having to make the concessions that are required. And what's required is realizing that there will be times when you have to put your kids first. If I wanna workout in the evening and my kid is sick and throwing up, then I'll postpone my workout. On the other hand, if that kid just wants someone to play video games with, I'll tell him to wait.
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Old 04-07-2009, 07:04 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
24,012 posts, read 28,343,998 times
Reputation: 41121
Quote:
Originally Posted by theroc5156 View Post
First of all; calm down.

Secondly, you are arguing the wrong point and letting semantics get in the way. Just because I said "full time", I didn't mean to insinuate that those who DIDN'T get home until 6-7pm weren't working full time. You are reading too much into this and not focusing on the crux of the argument. I don't pity your daughter. I feel bad for you that you couldn't spend more time with her though. However, you were making a better life for you and her by working/going to school/building the house. This is a far cry from going for a run or meeting a buddy for a few beers (which can be done AFTER the kids are asleep).

Thirdly, the point I was getting across was that my coworker works from 8-5. That means he leaves the house at 7am and ,at the earliest, gets home around 6. His kids go to be around 8 or 9 from what I gather. That gives him 2 hours with the kids IF he leaves work at 5 (he doesn't). 2 hours is not enough time to spend with kids a day if you ask me, but there are many people who can't even do this for a variety or reasons. Some of these reasons are legitimate. In his case, he leaves work after 5pm and at least 2-3 days a week, will go running, to the gym, or for a beer with friends immediately after work. In fact today he will be meeting his sister at 6pm for a run. What my point is, why can't he wait until after his kids are in bed to go running? After I put down my son, I will be working out. Like I said earlier, doing something like this on occasion is ok. However, doing it frequently as he does is unacceptable to me. Did you read the part about his hypocrisy?

Lastly, I spend plenty of time with my son and have never put my needs in front of him. I wish I can spend more time with him, but due to work, I can't. My quest for a perfect body, buzz, sleep, or any form of "me" time comes after my son's needs.
Here's the deal. I spent today feeling bad that I was kinda snippy in my remarks this morning. Then I come home and reread the posts so that I could think about where you are coming from. What I keep coming back to is you have presented yourself as a caring and responsible parent who is concerned about a co-workers family. That may be the case - but I gotta say I see some things here that give me pause.,...In your OP you state that you are SURROUNDED by these selfish parents who constantly put themselves first. And how do you know this? You overhear their converstation at work and they "admit" to working out if the baby wakes up...We all have said we know a few selfish parents but when a person is "surrounded" by them...well...? Then you mention that not only are they selfish but "holier than thou" - Honestly, you sound pretty "holy" in your attitude. You go on to chastise posters for taking/practicing voice lessons not knowing one thing about that posters situation. And, this is the one that got to me - sorry, apparently SAH parents can take a bit of time to themselves or pursue an interest because they are spending "enough" time with their kids but a working parent shouldn't. Many families have 2 working parents and are able to schedule their days to minimize daycare. Um again, in order to parent, a person should have a healthy, well balanced life. Several posters have commented on this and just when things start to quiet down you come back with some inflammatory statement judging someone's choices. You came back to me with some sort of tentative "approval" about my families time because apparently it was morally OK to spend that time away since we were "bettering" our family through education. I have news for you. Yes, we were but the baby couldn't discern that. Time away is time away. Just because it was more morally palatable to you somehow makes it OK? I applaud that you are taking your parenting responsibilities seriously, I really do. Perhaps your "co-worker" is a selfish parent, I have no idea. But you might want to consider you don't know everything that goes on in everyone's life. People make the choices they do for all kinds of different reasons. Most families that I know, are doing the best they can, making the choices they believe are the best for their situation - even if I don't make those same choices. I have also found that over the years, people really surprise you. Many people who you wouldn't imagine it, turn out to be excellent parents. Some people are better at different stages - I know people who aren't really "baby" people but are super parents of teenagers; I also know people who were all about the babies and once they weren't so obviously needed, got bored with the parenting thing. If you are a parent, you need to be in it for the long haul -which means putting your family first - that includes you, your spouse, your children and the entity. I honestly mean this when I say, perhaps you should stress yourself less and not spend all this energy worrying about all these selfish people surrounding you - especially the one that you know an awful lot about. Perhaps you're really complaining about a spouse? IDK. Either that or you're stalking the guy - and if he works the same time as you do (since you seem to overhear about his life so much) - what work do you do that you can be posting on C-D during the workday? Good thing I can't do that - I'd never get work done! Sorry the post is so long.....
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Old 04-07-2009, 07:20 PM
 
Location: Sacramento
2,568 posts, read 6,730,635 times
Reputation: 1933
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
Here's the deal. I spent today feeling bad that I was kinda snippy in my remarks this morning. Then I come home and reread the posts so that I could think about where you are coming from. What I keep coming back to is you have presented yourself as a caring and responsible parent who is concerned about a co-workers family. That may be the case - but I gotta say I see some things here that give me pause.,...In your OP you state that you are SURROUNDED by these selfish parents who constantly put themselves first. And how do you know this? You overhear their converstation at work and they "admit" to working out if the baby wakes up...We all have said we know a few selfish parents but when a person is "surrounded" by them...well...? Then you mention that not only are they selfish but "holier than thou" - Honestly, you sound pretty "holy" in your attitude. You go on to chastise posters for taking/practicing voice lessons not knowing one thing about that posters situation. And, this is the one that got to me - sorry, apparently SAH parents can take a bit of time to themselves or pursue an interest because they are spending "enough" time with their kids but a working parent shouldn't. Many families have 2 working parents and are able to schedule their days to minimize daycare. Um again, in order to parent, a person should have a healthy, well balanced life. Several posters have commented on this and just when things start to quiet down you come back with some inflammatory statement judging someone's choices. You came back to me with some sort of tentative "approval" about my families time because apparently it was morally OK to spend that time away since we were "bettering" our family through education. I have news for you. Yes, we were but the baby couldn't discern that. Time away is time away. Just because it was more morally palatable to you somehow makes it OK? I applaud that you are taking your parenting responsibilities seriously, I really do. Perhaps your "co-worker" is a selfish parent, I have no idea. But you might want to consider you don't know everything that goes on in everyone's life. People make the choices they do for all kinds of different reasons. Most families that I know, are doing the best they can, making the choices they believe are the best for their situation - even if I don't make those same choices. I have also found that over the years, people really surprise you. Many people who you wouldn't imagine it, turn out to be excellent parents. Some people are better at different stages - I know people who aren't really "baby" people but are super parents of teenagers; I also know people who were all about the babies and once they weren't so obviously needed, got bored with the parenting thing. If you are a parent, you need to be in it for the long haul -which means putting your family first - that includes you, your spouse, your children and the entity. I honestly mean this when I say, perhaps you should stress yourself less and not spend all this energy worrying about all these selfish people surrounding you - especially the one that you know an awful lot about. Perhaps you're really complaining about a spouse? IDK. Either that or you're stalking the guy - and if he works the same time as you do (since you seem to overhear about his life so much) - what work do you do that you can be posting on C-D during the workday? Good thing I can't do that - I'd never get work done! Sorry the post is so long.....
We must be reading a different thread. I sure didn't get the vibe you did. I am not going to re-read all the posts but I thought the OP was just using his co-worker as an example of a selfish parent. I also thought the OP said the co-worker was telling all the things he said to him directly not that he was eavesdropping.
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Old 04-07-2009, 07:26 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
24,012 posts, read 28,343,998 times
Reputation: 41121
Quote:
Originally Posted by suzie02 View Post
We must be reading a different thread. I sure didn't get the vibe you did. I am not going to re-read all the posts but I thought the OP was just using his co-worker as an example of a selfish parent. I also thought the OP said the co-worker was telling all the things he said to him directly not that he was eavesdropping.
Maybe so.
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Old 04-07-2009, 09:03 PM
 
1,156 posts, read 3,736,029 times
Reputation: 488
maciesmom-
I feel a little of the same weirdness from the OP's comments as well. I can't quite put my finger on what makes it feel so indefensible, other than its seems like its a cattle call to all pile on and gripe about parents we love to hate. I don't know if the OP is trolling, or is a genuine caring person. I also don't personally know the coworkers in question, so its hard to "confirm" the diagnosis. Anyway - nothing against the OP - but just wanted totell maciesmom I don't think she's nuts, either.
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Old 04-07-2009, 10:08 PM
 
13 posts, read 25,010 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
Why should the kids always come first? Can you please explain how allowing multiple priorities necessarily means not caring for your children?
It's like this... my kids, 3 and 13 ALWAYS come first, this means if hubby and I are talking and my 3 year old wants something, I get it for her, if my 13 year old has a question about her homework, I tend to her. My hubby can wipe his own bottom, get his own drinks, food, etc., my 3 year old can't. It is my duty/responsibility as a parent to care for my children in their time of need. Neither asked to come into this world, I brought them into this world and they will always come first. I am their guardian and protector, my husband is old enough and does not require the same needs as my kids. Neither of my kids are spoiled, both are very kind and polite and it's not an act. I have had the parents of my daughters friends make the comment they wish they could trade children, as my 13 year old is such a different 13 year old. Making my children my number one priority does not mean they are spoiled.

I lost a job recently because my youngest daughter was sick, she has asthma. I had exhausted all my sick days and was going to be reprimended if I missed another day of work. Ya know what, they can take that job and shove it. Even during this horrible economy, despite the lack of jobs, no employer will can make me choose between my job and my kids, and if they do, my kids trumph the job.

My husband is my partner, my soul mate, my best friend. Yes he needs me, but he understands that our kids need me first.

I do believe a happy home/marriage makes happy kids, but that is not to say a divorced couple are bad parents and raise unhappy kids.
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Old 04-07-2009, 10:11 PM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 19,951,692 times
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My ex husband was extremely selfish and neglected his kids to the point that he has no relationship with them now that they're grown and he was anything but Christian or religious. Quite the opposite. I don't see what Christianity has to do with it or why that was brought into it.
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Old 04-07-2009, 10:23 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
24,012 posts, read 28,343,998 times
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I think it's the ALWAYS part that is a tough sell. Especially for a 13 y.o. In general, I would say DH and I put our kids needs ahead of our own. Our kids are now 18 and 15. Very nice and polite kids also. They understand that we make sacrifices to allow them to do some of the things that they want to do which we consider a luxury. That goes for us too. Sometimes we might say no to a trip or expensive item for the kids and say yes to something for one of us. Sometimes my son will want me to drive him to a friends house during a time when I have other plans. I personally feel I would be doing him a disservice by dropping or changing my plans just to drive him to a friends house for no real reason. The world does not revolve around him and it's good for him to know that. It hasn't hurt him yet to stay home one evening....it also helps him to realize that other people have lives and plans too. If DH and I are having a discussion and DS needs something from me that he can't get or do by himself, I would expect him to wait for a few moments before he asked. Just as I would expect that if he had a friend over, I might wait to ask him to do something. I expect him to treat me with the same respect I would expect him to treat someone else......I don't think that's selfish.
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Old 04-07-2009, 10:43 PM
 
13 posts, read 25,010 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Public_Newsense View Post
My ex husband was extremely selfish and neglected his kids to the point that he has no relationship with them now that they're grown and he was anything but Christian or religious. Quite the opposite. I don't see what Christianity has to do with it or why that was brought into it.
My sister is the same way, her and the father of my neice are both so selfish, they don't realize that their little girl has grown up and really doesn't like either of them. She was left at home alone at the age of 9, has heard her mother called everything but a mother, has heard her mom talk about her daddy as if he was pond scum. Has seen has daddy trade their car 4 days before Christmas for crack and seen her mom falling over furniture because she was so drunk. If not for me and my husband, she would not have had a christmas for 3 years in a row while my sister was addicted to pain killers.

Her daddy is now in jail for a DUI, he does not even live in the same state. Her mom has since cleaned up (somewhat) but she still comes to my house or wants to more than she stays home. She just turned 16 and for he birthday, I bought her a $250 cell phone and she is on my plan. I can hardly afford mine and my daughter's cell phone but I wanted her to have a cell phone. My sister has not once offered to help pay the bill, even when she got back over four grand for income taxes and knew I was in a bine, nor has she ever thanked me. But my neice thanks me all the time, still... even after 4 months, she tells me thanks for the phone. She once told me and my mom that if not for us,. she don't know what she would do.

I am sure it upsets my sister that her own daughter would rather be with my family than her own mother. She has even stayed with us when my daughter had plans and went to a friends house. She doesn't get love and affection at home, she isn't told she is beautiful at home, she isn't hugged or kissed, yet my sister feels she gets away with too much over her and her banned her from coming back to my house. It breaks my heart that it has come to this and there is absolutly nothing I can do but sit back and hope my siste changes her mind. I honestly believe that my neice is the person she is today because of my influence on her; otherwise I think she would have tried to drop out of shcool, I think she would have tried drugs and possibly even experminted with sex. No child should be treated like they are a burden. My sister has the same mentality, her "man" always comes first and, my neice is old enough to realize this and it hurts her, badly. And there is absolutly nothing I can do about it.

Sorry to get off topic, this just happened really recently and it really breaks my heat that she won't be here this weekend.
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